sign your name on the dotted line...

Ah music... how i love you. i made a playlist of some older songs on my rents computer. There are so may good songs that i have forgotten about.
So as many of the rest of you, i am sick of the snow. well not so much the snow i love snow. but i am sick of being confined and the limitation that the snow brings. Right now i kinda can't be pleased. no activity cures my boredom. i can't think of anything that would make this aggravated feeling go away.. well that's a lie. it's work.. I want to have some work to do. i want to do something for a useful purpose. making some money from it wouldn't be so bad either. My mom has been nagging me to sign up for another course. right now i have three. right now instead of another course i would like to work. as nice as it has been not to work i want more structure and purpose in my life. i am not content as it is.
as a continuation of that thought i want to be good to myself again. at the beginning of this year i started kinda working out and eating better which felt super great. I basically gave that up when i started packing my apartment life up. for the months i was at my parents i lived frivilously and free. which was pretty awesome im not going to lie. but i want that self satisfaction back .
" here's to all those who know me all to well, here's to the night we felt alive, here's to the tears you knew you'd cry, here's to good bye, tomorrows going to come to soon" (mmm music)
when i get home i want to get back into my wonderful ways. i dunno . i want to figure what i really want and go to get it. as for right now my life as no drive because i don't know where i am going. i feel pretty well established in vic. i'm comfortable there. now what do i want.

sometimes i wonder if i am crazy. dur... no like actaully bi polar or have some kind of split in my personality or thinking. or maybe it;s just cuz i just never know. damn it.. i was shoveling snow earlier and i had so many good thoughts to type but now i don't remember any of them. Oh i guess what i was thinking was .. how i have a love hate relationsihp with myself. sometimes i think i am the kewlest person ever. but there are so many things that i hate.. which i do... so thus i hate myself for being like that... .

" someday this chalk outline will circle the city"

Sometimes i feel like i can never be satisfied. Like there is nothing that will keep my happy. i worry that i will be like this forever. jumping from one foot to the other with mu opinions of everything switching back and forth. I want to be content... but do i really. look at me know. i am going nuts. i have no purpose to drive me. i should be relaxing, enjoying holiday festivites. but i don't really care. i do enjoy spending time i with my family but i need my own devices, time, space. It's funny. As a child i never got homesick really. i would go to peoples houses.. or away on trips or camping .. but i never missed my home as much as i do right now i think. i spent my life living in these walls but they feel uncomfortable. i want to be free of them.

"if my heart could beat it would break my chest"

I'm going to type on this side for a change.. hehe hhe.. heheheh
Yay... i dunno why but i seems fun.. somoene posted a link about a string quartet that did a tribute to the mars volta. and it is awesome. go to youtube and check it outs.

Ok thats enough blogity blogity for me tonight ... apparently i'm going out. haha
see ya's

verse 1

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

you make my happy

when stuff and junk is grey. really icky grey

i hope you know dear

i fucken loves you

don't take my sunshine away

cuz i would be sad and stuff

so i just woke up not too long ago. and i realized something funny... or strange or whatever, i dozed off in my dream.  i was hanging around or doing some kinda of job with this group of people and i sat up kinda startled like i had just woken up and then there where some new people around me. i guess it wasn't anything spectacular but it was a weird sensation.  i've done that before... had dreams within dream. or have people in the dream tell me this is just a dream. very strange. But then again, my dreams have never been normal.

"sometimes sentences end with a period... but other times you can add to more dots and keep going"  hehehe this just popped into my head and i thought i was funny. 

i wish i had more things to write... but i donts : (

maybe later

I'll keep digging

fuck you snow.Sure your pretty but your a pain in the ass... or should I say fuck you miata... and your tiny inefficiency. it is what Thursday now? haha i'm surprised i can remember that seeing as i havent done anything of note in the past 4 days. haha i guess that just means no work. :P i've hung out with people went and got food and junk. but really not a whole lot. originally i was planning on comming back to victoria after this weekend. i figured i would be bored in nanaimo. but really i have nothing to do here. and i have a bunch of wonderful friends in nanaimo... so i guess i am staying.... not that i probably have a choice because of the stupid snow. really i'm bored of doing the same thing for 4 days. i need some new scenery, new attitudes and imaginations.
Nothing seems to satisfy. I don't want it. I just need it. To breath to feel to know I'm alive.

i am going to explode, i'm going to explode. i drive myself mad. mad, mad. i'm going to explode. pause. give me a moment. AAAAAHHHHHHHH. driven mad. If i had another foot i would kick myself. get straight. thoughts straight. get it straight. I wish i knew what i was doing, what i am, waht to be. An artist...
The wind is blowing blowing. so fearcefully it blows. haunting me. I dread tomorrow. i don't want what i have accepted. I'm sure i will survice. but it is the anticipation that really kills me.
i'm running. running farther away from myself.

mid. S ( instead of P.S.) i'm sure this sounds funny, but i'm just writting as i think...
breath in , breath out, breath in,..
Take me i am the drug, take me i am halucinogenic.
breath out...
life continues even when you are flat on your face. it passes you over as you stumble to get up... catch up. run away/ run away/ listen to the words that come to mind. try and understand to meanings, the reasonings.
Until the very end of me, until the very end of you...
mmmm head scratchy.... mmmmm mmm mmmm mmm
until the very end of me.
Bed time.

my body has been clamed, soul has been shipped away

what i tell you, more thinking. well this is certainly turning out to be quite the day. i see patterns emerging that i have seen before. hmm I understand this. part of me feels hurt, part of me see's some guilt fall away. Sometimes i hate myself, sometimes i am very proud of myself. i see strength in myself, that gets me though. at many times i say i have no logic, but at time like right now i try and let what little logic i have take over. i have to separate myself or else everthing i have falls apart. I'm beguinning to see patterns, it;s becoming exhausting.

about half an hour ago i returned home after a walk to london drugs. it is crisp and sunny out. i went to the dollar store and london drugs for some key gift pieces. got a caramel machiato from Sbucks and walked the path home listening to my music.two bags, a coffee and a roll of gift wrap under my arm. For about the span of a minute, with the sun filtering onto my face through the trees and the warm flavour of my drink turning in my mouth. I was undeniably happy.
for a moment i was panicked.I thought something terrible had happened. The response was much better than that i dreaded. i think about what this means.hmmm

" Don't wake me up, i am still dreaming, the stories undone, unravel at the seams. Don't wake me up death is misleading, when i fall asleep, sleep with a ghost"

thoughts galore, think and think and think some more...

Why is it that whenever you have the opportunity to sleep in you wake up early. This almost always happens to me. Today for example... i have nothing that i HAVE to do. No pressing matters, assignments, work. Thats all done. today i can do whatever i feel. i wanted to sleep in.... Lame. hahahaha i guess it's still pretty sweet to have a full day off. i will accomplish many small tasks i think.
sometimes i hate the way i am. i always feel differently about things at different times. for example substance. when i first wake up in the morning i almost always have thoughts of guilt. "oh i've eaten to much , drank to much ,, whatever to much. i sometimes make a decision to mend my ways. but as one or a few hours pass my entire perception changes and i'm right back on the edge with all my little friends. My vices.
Last night was a great time. Let me start by taking you back to my Wednesday. I started working at the theatre at 12. Worked cleaning up for 2.5 hours then I treated Amanda to a Beer and some food at the pub. I text dustin at the pub saying we should get some beer tonight. However leaving for home on the bus, a beer and chicken strips in my belly, i start to feel a bit sleepy. Get home, have a bath. I wonder what i will do tonight. i still feel tired and unmotivated.
I go an visit with dustin. we chat about many things and agree that we should go to the liquor store. i purchase a 6 pack and dustin gets beer and wine. We return home and find that kyle had returned as well. The house is lit with chistmas lights and none others. We invite kyle for beer and then spent the next hours sitting around the kitchen table, in the soft warm glow of chistmas lights and talk about everythign and anything under the sun. Not getting wasted, but merrily enjoying each others company and conversation. there where many cheers to the moments present and passed. It was a night worth living for. thanks boys.
why is it that i never know what i am doing. i feel like spend a lot of my life just floating through motions. feeling things as i pass but never being able to touch anything solid because its all floating by to fast. It's like i'm walking down the centre of a fuzzy pinky purple tube. and in the pink purple fuzziness of the wall of this tube of my life are moving pictures of the people i know... of all the different facets of my life. school, work , family, home, friends, love, all these things i can somehow step into the picture and exist in that place for a while. but eventually i get sucked back into that tube. part of me forgets the time i have spent there, part of me remembers and yet at the same time i am distracted once again by the pink and purple fuzzy wall passing me and all it's little moving pictures.
I like wearing pink eye shadow. I think it's my color of choice. not saying that i always wear it. but i feel the happiest when i put it on. like i'm super excited. i'm kinda envious of all you that are able to pull off crazy colors like ,crazy green or orange, or dark blue or purple. i have pink though. i like pink.
hmmm i think those are all the thoughts for now.... but i have the whole day to be free and think... and it isn't even 11 yet.

"i'm gonna miss those eyes"

today i worked at the theatre for a while. After that i came home and proceeded to decorate my house. I was a great success. I am sitting at my kitchen table staring at my cute little chistmas tree. With it's found and hand painted ornaments . I'm eating a delicious meal that i took a fair while to cook. sooo good. i baked cookies before making . my day was productive and i am sitting enjoying the results of my labors. and it feels good....

come with us and you will see....

It's a world of wonders.... i don't think that has anything to do with what i am about to say but, it just popped into my head so i said it anyways. I was face book creeping and i noticed another person that i knew in high school just had a baby... at least he is a year older. my god younger people than me having babies.... blows my mind. i have always wanted to have children. I think that i will be a wonderful mother. probably equally crazy( in the nicest way possible) as my own. i know i will talk to the cats.. and say things that don't make sense, cuz really i do that now. but it's ok cuz i don't have any offspring to embarrass. i worry about my children already. i worry what kind of world they will grow up in. we grew up in an amazing time. it was like the birth of super technology. computeres and the internet , instant global comunication, cell phones, all came into everyday life in the first part of our lives. because of this we look at it in a certain way. we remember what it was like without it. but our children... it will be common place. i don't want practicallyity to be lost on my children.. i want them to know nature and everything there is other than technology. i want them to be confident but humble... make good decision about life. my parents where never particularally strict, but i feel that i still made good decicions about things like drugs... or sex. i never rushed into anything , i always did what felt right. im not saying that anyone who got into that earlier was wrong to do so, but i'm happy with myself that i took my time to think about it before jumping right in.... that something i want my children to do ... i don't want my children to loose their innocense before they hit the double digets. kids are getting crazier younger... that scares me a little. i dunno, is it funny that i'm not so much worried about the cost of raising a child( which still plays on my mind) but more i am worried that they will turn out alright. i dunno
sometimes i think one of my biggest faults is caring to much. i'm not saying it's a bad thing really. It's always been my habbit to put others before myself. I guess i am still working on it. i don't really know where i am going with this... but it was just a thought that occured to me. Do i really care to much... ? what is it about me that makes me want to take care of people? that wants them to be well? mothering instinct perhaps...

I'd like to appologize now for all the spelling and gramatical errors in this post... my brother just came in and hit me with a sock because i haven't been capitalizing my I's . i told him that i am typing my mind and grammer doesn't live there.

anyways nights.

it's fun gettin into trouble

so i have been terrible at blogging for the last month, lame core to the max lisa... not to say i haven't attempted to, but i always seem to get distracted and thus never finish. at the moment .. it is 5 min to 7pm on a sunday night. i have two days of school with 3 classes. tomorrow morning i have a business test that i could quite possibly fail, i also have a reflective digest for applied theatre due in the afternoon which i have not yet completed. but in all honestly i just don't care.

boy oh boy i want to not be sick. i'm tired of coughing and not being able to breath or talk. sad panda. i have decided that although i am not a work-a holic, i defiantly am addicted to activity. i've been sick since tuesday, but has that stopped me from living my life just the way i would in perfect health, not a chance. i really really need to take it easy when i need to. cuz this sucks balls. i went and baught some bucky's today, hopefully that helps.. omg is it gross. i totally almost vomed when i took a swig. it;s like liquid vics vapor rub. ew ew ew.

not much is up, no much is up, i am excited to decorate my house for christmas. i don't have anything planned on wednesday. perhaps if i have the energy i will clean the house and decorate.. bake some cookies maybe? it is still dawning on me that school is done for the semester.awesome. i'll probably go mad.hahaha ha. ha .. bet you a month will fly bye like nobody's business. i will get to visit with you peoples a bunch i hope.

man i'm such a bad student... hmmm maybe if i had something i cared about. right now i am kinda bored... well i dunno. i feel like i want something to entertain me, but i don't know what, i don't want o do my projects or anything. really i guess i just want to sleep. i was invited over to watch movies with peeps. and while i want to i just feel to sick. fuck you sick.. i'm tired of coughing .

soo i 've noticed that this blog is just kinda a jumble of though ish type things. i apologize. i wish it was better. i don't even have anything good to say.

blah blah blah... *insert coughing fit* my goodness, anyways nuts to this i can wait to come visit again . loves.

because i want to be kewl like you hehe

If I were a month I would be: july
If I were a day of the week I would be: thursday
If I were a time of day I would be: 6:30 pm
If I were a planet I would be: earth
If I were a sea animal I would be: sea monkey
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: a dinner table
If I were a sin I would be: gluttony
If I were a historical figure I would be: salvado dali
If I were a liquid I would be: viscous
If I were a tree I would be: an arbutus
If I were a flower/plant I would be: stargazer lily
If I were a kind of weather I would be: a down pour
If I were a musical instrument I would be: a violin
If I were an animal I would be: a tori shell cat.(like stirfry)
If I were a colour I would be: spicey red
If I were a vegetable I would be: a potatoe
If I were a sound I would be: gentil waves
If I were an element I would be: earth
If I were a car I would be: Red yaris!
If I were a song I would be: what to do- ok go
If I were a movie I would be directed by: alfred hitchcock
If I were a book I would be written by:terry pratchet
If I were a food I would be: chicken strips
If I were a place I would be: venice
If I were a material I would bee: satin
I were a taste I would be:sweet and sour
If I were a scent I would be: vanilla
If I were a word I would be: ingenuitive
If I were an object I would be: a toaster
If I were a body part I would be: hands
If I were a facial expression I would be: puffy cheeks
If I were a cartoon character I would be: Gir
If I were a shape I would be a: pentacle

i can tell this is what you've all been waiting for....

or at least thats what i'm pretending... haha. i am feeling pretty alright today. i got some classes to go to then a dress rehearsal of my play... but lets back track a minute
thursday- school and working on set, rehearsal, bed
Friday- up early for scene rehearsal, work, school, rush home to clean, rehearsal, social alcoholic gathering at my house.. bed,.
Saturday- up eary for 930 call , all day tech / dress rehearsal, awesome party, 330-4 , bed.
sunday- up early, 9 am scene rehearsal, 1130 ish... pass out on couch from complete and utter exhaustion. lounge on couch for many hours....
at around 8 pm i was feeling like a had a bit ore energy so i decided to go downstairs and visit kyle who i hadn't seen in a few days. He was in the shower so i waited, josh evenaully came and joined me.. and then dusting after... until kyle finally came out of the shower and we where all sitting in some way or another on his crappy little couch. (... hmm thats a nicely poetic phrase" crappy little couch"... it just has a ring to it...hmmm) this is where we stayed for at least an hour and a half just bull shitting, singing, calling each other fags, and being generally silly... these are some of the moments i think are worth remembering.

here are some other things i like to remember...
~ getting drunk with jill all afternoon and into the night.
~ crawling up eryns stairs after drinking too much wine to quickly
~ sitting in eryns kitchen, drinking and eating Chinese food.
~ sitting around my apartment living room with all of you there.
~ the adventures of pembertim and matt good concert
~having dinner parties at taisa's
~ going to super store because it's super store.. or costco
~ jack johnson and hal johnson and joanne mcloud....... however you spell it..
~ Girls nights at nathans
~ having coffee with gabby, and a nice good talk
~ being able to visit jill whenever
~blanket nests
~picture stories
~ waking up to find tasia sleeping on my couch, then making breakfast and watchin horatio and drinking that little bottle of sparkling wine i got, potaotes and wine.. then screaming and holding tasia's hand because horatio was just to exciting..." they love him sooo much"
martha, jill, gabby, nathan eryn, tasia.. and all the other people that made my life mean so much in the past year. i loves and miss you guys

the next few weeks will be full of dark of the moon, it's a good show if anyone has time to see a play. tickets are going fast i believe so reserve one if your interested... it runs for like 3 weeks or something... anyways i better get ready for school.
*heart*

once she had a red red dress, once she had a blue...

blog blog blog. it feels like forever since i've done this. i've been quite busy lately. not too busy to enjoy some free time , but busy enough not to be bored enough to blog. not that i am really bored now, just got some time.
soo the last week or so most nights i have been at rehearsals for the play " dark of the moon" i'm doing crew for it. fly operator and junk. it's pretty great. the rehearsals have been pretty slow so far but i know it will be better during the run.. and i am getting to know a bunch of people which is also super nice. opening should be awesome.
tomorrow is halloween. who is dressing up? i am. originally i wanted to be manbearpig, but i procrastinated to long and then got lazy.. so i'm not doing that. i was cleaning my room wednesday, trying to decide what i should be and i found my black dress with stars all over it.. so i went outs and got me a witch hat.. i make a pretty cute witch.. just need to find me a broom and a black cat. Dustin is being where's waldo? i helped him make his costume by printing red stripes on his touque and shirt. i'm not sure what josh is going to be but something tells me it will be pretty awesome. I would just like to say in this juncture that i love my room mates.
after being at reheasal all night i start talking with the accent they use in the play.. it;s tripping me up right now. ...
well i got distracted from my blog writting , by facebook.. so now i am tired and going to stop writting.. at least you got a bit...
i wants you kids to know that i miss you, any happy opening to anyone involved in the show, i hope you are all having a good time right now. hehe
and good night.
*heart*

the silence isn't as sweet...

I don;t have much that is interesting to say, nor do i particularly feel like typing ... i always look to see if you guys have updated your blogs.. i fell like i always want you to update so i know what you've been up to, how you've been. but lately i haven't been updating mine.. so i shouldn't expect yours to be.
Oh dear 130 already. tomorrow is not a long day thought.. but this weekend i am going to spend like all weekend at the school like i will only come home to sleep .. isn;t that kinda crazy...

the past two nights i was in rehearsal. this past one was pretty fun. i feel like i know what i am doing. i got put in charge of some first years. it;s nice to know that people realize that i know stuff.. it;f funny because it makes me realize. you mean i'll accomplished something in that past three years... no way.

he he he .. anyways thats all .
*loves*

the calm before the storm

so i just got up and while it is fresh i'm gonna try remembering my dream cuz i like all the rest of them it was uber fucked up... hmm i don't' think i will recall it all but there are parts that stick out in my mind. the main part that does : i was in a big truck with someone and we are kinda escaping from this evil dude. there is a dirt road with cut down trees all around it. we are basically 4xing through the cut down trees, but we where going super high in the air. the part that sticks out in my head most clearly is looking out the front window at the ground like 30 feet below and thinking fuck. i don't know if i was scared to crash or just scared of the hight, but either way we made it.
then another part had josh and someone else in it. the other person, looked a lot like josh and i think i was trying to explain to him the connection that i saw and josh ended up shaving his facial hair off. going back to the first part of my dream. i think it started with my walking down the same dirt road. and i had to go through this big dip that someone had constructed and there was this creepy guy. i had to go up to this other side of the hole thing and grab these shoes i guess. i dunno i remember grabbing some flip flops. come to think of it.. i this dream just goes so many places that i can't remember or think of how to describe so i am just going to quit while i am only slightly behind.

so as some of you might have seen, i have sold my soul to dark of the moon, which is our next prouction at the phoenix. i am doing flys and thus am flying people around the stage yay. i have my first rehearsal tomorrow. haha but today i don;t really have any pressing matters. just a bit of work and class. so next week i'm going to have to be at some night rehearsals, but i also have to figure out times to have my own rehearsals for my scene which is going to be a task, then i have an applied theatre project that i still have to figure out. i will put it to someone to help me figure it i think. other than that i found out yeaterday that i did not fail my last business test like i thought i did. i got 64%, which is by no means spectacular, however i did another one yesterday and felt i did much better. actually i think i dreamed that i got 90% on it. haha wouldn't that be creepy if i was true.... guess we;ll find out. haha . hm hm hm hm hm h what else is new.
i've been getting to know people better which is nice, there are quite a few people that chat with me. haha i'm excited to get into rehearsals, then i will meet more people junk.
on that same note i miss all of you back home. i had a nice talk with nathan on tuesday that really cheered me up. i was feeling kinda negative and nathan took that away. it made me think of all the times i was not myself and one of you would be there to pick me up. *lovelovelove*

anyways i think that is it for now, today i have free and possibly most of the weekend depending on wether i get called to paint or not. but i guess we will see when the storm hits.

Well this part is good and that's well understood, So you should laugh if you know what I mean

Tonight i ordered a book off the internet. The world on blood. I am excited for it to get here. The past few days i have been looking at my blog and thinking that i should update. But now that i have the attention to do that i have nothing really interesting to say.

you know whats weird.. i just thought of it. when i was little, my brother and i used to stay at my granny's and grammy's houses. when i went to my grannies she would play black jack with us... it seemed like the normalest thing to do. when we went to grammy's , she would have cereal in one of the cupboards, and it was kept in like tupperware containers.. and i remember always going to get handfuls of cheerio's. i never asked, even when we just came for a short visit i would get some. and you know what else... we drank out of kool-aid cups. not just drank out of. but i remember loving to eat icecream out of them.... weird though the things that seem so natural when you are doing them ... funny thing.. so afew years ago i was in a flea market with my mom and aunt and granny and i found kool-aid cups that where exactly the same.. so i baught 4 of them and a kool-aid jug to go along with it. nice eh. hehehe my grammy still has those cups

i'm going out of my head ...

The whole day through...
Just an old sweet song, keeps Georgia on my mind...
So it is saturday 524. No one else is home right now which is kinda nice. I finished the part of my assignment that i wanted. Then i decided that i wanted to clean the bathroom hardcore.. so i did and now i look super awesome! nice. hehe . then i started on my room... maybe i'll write a little and do that.
Just before i started this , i was reading some of my older blog posts and it;s interesting to see how much has changed.. not only about my life but the way i see things.

*distraction*... and return

so josh and kyle are home now, I fell in love with a bad idea... Spencer and lisa stopped by and i showed lisa my house. I made the bathroom awesome. i lit some candles and made it look awesome. i am very content.
Always quick to follow, the boys are to refined. I am super stoked for tonight dustin and i have some awesome plans. when i started this post i was really into writting , probable because i was reading what i had written in the past.

*NOTE: haha so this is from last night .. i forgot to post it

dustin and lisa's adventures

So i was reading eryns blog and she inspired me to write the tale of my own adventures.
Lets start with the day first. Got up and started working on my directing thing, skipped first class( i'll just read the book) to work on it. do some excersizes then go to second class. Apres class get dustin and we get stuff to make taco's. apres dinner do some more work for a few hrs. phew, brain can't work anymore... lisa says " hey dustin you wanna go for "
Dustin: " sure"
Lisa " wanna get high first"
dustin " ok"
anyways long story short we went for an epic walk one this trail. there is this lake by our house and i guess that we expected it to go around the lake , but we took the wrong fork in the road i guess so it just kept going and going. for the first part there was this old guy in a schooter with a dog and a big orange light.. and we passes him .. then i guess he turned around.. and then was following us.. we decide that it was a horror movie. for the longest time the air smelled so cool and delicious, like black berries: they where everywhere. we went under like 8 different bridges, they all looked different. we gave them names and genre's i gues. a japanese one., old train on, square one, super round one, ext ext some of them had murals under them which was awesome.
we walked over an sleepy hollow bridge, and one over douglas street and another one over this big lake. it was beautiful. we could see the parliament building lit up. the sky was covered in a blanket of soft linty clouds, with the calming amber glow of the city reflected onto them. the buildings around cast light and reflections on all the water around us. and above all though we where in the middle of the city, it was peacefully quiet. After the bridge( at this point we has probably been walking 45-50 min) there road split off into 3 ways. we chose one and continued on, eventually it led us to these weird apartments. it was like man made perfection. very tight and tall, with shaped roofs, and painted alternating colors. red, blue, orange, green... there where nice are in everydriveway and a garbage can next to them. it was architecture... so precise it had an erie feel to it. shortly after that we turned around to relive the events that we had experienced. there was one point we stopped to look at the lake and as we got near, there was a big splash behind some bushes. dustin and i both jumped back.. we both thought that i was an alligator. haha there where many different landscapes that we passed. some of them stood out. they all had a feel and a genre. i made up a little them song about dustin and lisa's adventure! and we fantasized about what our opening theme song video would look like. it was pretty sweet. i think thats about it. over all it was just an amazingly interesting walk. it lasted for 2 hrs and boy are my legs sore today.
tonight megan form my ball team is comming over and we are gonna catch up and have a good time. tomorrow i'm comming to nan and going out to dinner with my beautiful friends and then gettin fucked up. aside from all the homework i have on the go( which i am proud to say i have been working on every day ) i have a pretty good weekend coming up. !
horay!
see you all tomorrow* heart*

i wrote a post... but decided not to post it. It expresses how i feel at this moment. but i realized no matter how i feel,or no matter how articulately i express that fact, people will go on believing what they want.
This is a pineapple lantern that i carved. some of you will recognize it and know what is playing on the screen in the back ground. I am getting sick and feel ichy right now. this picture has brought me to peace. We have had some fucking awesome times.

Dont let the days go by Glycerine

i am two things right now, tired.. but also not tired enough to go to bed. i feel that today was a fairly good day. i seemed to accomplish alot of things and this makes me feel the day was a success. i did a bit of work on my project. handed in a application for a work studies( apparently i did have enough credits i am just a idiot and can't count) registered for another course bought some house stuff at walmart, cleaned up my room ( i have a floor!) trimmed the ivy. had some x rated cinnamon toast, went for some car rides. made delicious stir fry and watched big fish. it was a good day. i was responsible yet laid back and enjoyed parts of my day. OH.. and i made cupcakes and nathan called me which was super nice.
i think thats it now.
Originally i was thinking about going to nanaimo this weekend, but i have many things here to do. like garden. i have a house that i have to take care of, i thought of it today that it is kinda a weird concept i've never had to deal with before. it;s just weird that , i bet most of us, never think about how much work it is to take care of a house. well i think i am getting the picture.
anyways i guess i'll go to bed now.
fare well . and good night.

suffocating with air all around me

i've almost reached the end of where my patience goes. I try to be honest about how i feel. i don;t think there should be any misconceptions. maybe your just not hearing me so good.
this summer was a great experience for me. i had good times and i felt free. i did things for myself, and just myself. when i moved i thought i would be continuing that trend. expanding what and who i knew. I feel so trapped right now. It's not kewl. Not kewl. I know this is partially my fault. I am not able to live free. I guess i connect with people to well. anyways it doesn't matter what has been. not at the moment. right now all i want to express is my annoyance, and frustration. when i am walking, grasping for my arm and holding on will only make me want to run. trying to see/ talk to me all the time. When did you decide i deserved so much attention?
everyone wants a piece... this pie is not for sale. This pie needs some fucking room to breath.
Don't worry to much, it's not Just you i'm talking about.
don;t be upset, i just want some space to decide what i want as opposed to pleasing others.
My first reaction for this sentance was to say that i was sorry, because i thought writing this is somewhat harsh, but then i realized if i said what i felt, i don;t believe that you would hear it.

Let me reiterate just so my point is clear. I need space to breath.

Come inside just for a second, baby show me your attention ...

friday morning... i can't decide what to do. there are probably, in fact i know there are, plenty of things that i should/ could be doing, but i really cant decide. I find that this often happens when i have time to waste. I become lazy and indecisive. I have a big project for my directing class that i should find someway to start....

Victoria. i like the city, love my house and the people i live with. however i am not settled yet. i have accomplished the bus. you probably all know that i am not bus savvy, so i see this as an accomplishment. i suppose my next task is to become part of the theatre community at the uvic theatre. i want to know how the theatre is run, and be part of it. it will probably take some time. as of now i feel disconnected to it. I want In.

the other day i was thinking... i have flipped from being into wanting commitment to being afraid of it... well no not being afraid but certainly not wanting it. i have made this flip before, however before it was in the opposite direction. I find myself emotionally unattached in a romantic kind of way. I still respond to hahaha lets call it " male stimuli" , however i see it as more of an instinct hahah ( when i say that i don;t mean in a directly sexual way, but if there is a cute boy... you wanna flirt with the cute boy and get some attention kinda way) ... i'm intrigued and curious and want to know more, perhaps feel more. but not in a "love you till the end of time" kind of way.
I feel as though i am an entity , living for myself. i don't see this as a bad thing. i'm quite content with myself. i just think it;s interesting how i switch from wanting things. Over all it is a strange thing for me, i'm used to feeling so much, so deeply, and now i just don't. I know it is not forever, and i know there is nothing i can do to change it. eventually something or someone will happen that will change me again. until then i am content. i have enough things to short out. hahah

it;s funny when you have a silly thought, you wish for something to be true.. and then you look back and realize it is...

I'd sell my soul, my self-esteem a dollar at a time

My girlies are coming to visit today! i am soo excited. i know it hasn't even been a week but i'm excited for you to see my new house. It's very spacious and cozy. there are still a few bits of junk around but for the most part we are all unpacked.

i had my first classes yesterday. one i am on the wait list for but slowly climbing, and the other is called applied theatre. it sounds interesting. *shrug* then i have directing today . dunno what that will be like, i feel that i will stick out hardcore. but hopefully i will get into the swing of things. it was suggested that i take that course so i am.

i was hoping to be a work studies student and get payed for working and junk, but it just reading the things now it doesn;t seem like i am eligible. for one i don't have a huge financial need and 2 i am not in enough classes. i guess i can try to apply anyways, however i doubt i will be accepted. poop.

*leaves and returns*
horay for clean windows.it almost freaks me out how much of a "home maker" i am. i love entertaining, and keeping a clean house and looking after my boys.
haha last night we took a trip to walmart to get some garbage cans and other junk. i got some cleaning things , and josh and kyle bought these nerf dart guns. they are like a shot gun and some kind of riffle. we had a good few hours shooting them at each other. i thought to myself this is prob the best thing ever. i get to hang out with some of my best friends every night. haha. it probably won;t stay that way. but i wonder how it will change. i could understand how girls would turn on each other, but boys are different. i guess we will have to see. i have confidence that it will turn out well.

For one taste, one taste, one taste of you, my Magdalena

How will i break the news to you

here it is. The first victoria post. Moving went as well as can be expected. i have a bunch of tiny bruises but there is was no major problems. then i had an awesome night with you guys. i'm glad we got together. the next day ( sunday) i woke with a sore throat, i thought nothing of it, because of the previous night. did a few things, waited around and got to see my brother for a while. Then i made my way down to victoria. we have so much stuff, and i am still not done going through it. i started with the kitchen , and the living room . so those are basically set up. there are still afew boxes around. then bed time. the next morning, ( monday) i woke and my throat was still hella sore. Wtf so i look at it , and it is all ugly and puffy and red and junk. i'm gotten strep throat a lot so i know what it;s like. i carry on with my day, knowing that eventually i will have to go and get a prescription for drugs. dustin and i get groceries and junk, then when we return and sit to watch a movie, i start to feel really crappy and go to lay down. shortly after my darling joshua offers to take me to the clinic, which fills me with great relief. i detest going to see the doctor so i generally prolong going, and while i have been to victoria many times i do not feel at home here yet. It's always nice to have some one looking out for you. *loves* thank you joshua. after that adventure i get some penicillin , and strangely i feel even worse after taking some drugs. i felt like i had the flu for a day and a half.
went to an orientation yesterday with tasia, it was neat however painful, i felt uber crappy. stared to feel better later on in the day though. i made dinner... and butter,, and hotchocolte. hehe so now when i feel up for it i will make myself some x rated toast. hehe anyways
dudud bed.
wake up in the middle of the night scratching my neck. long story short, i believe i am having a mild reaction to the penicillin. today i woke up early and picked some back berries on my back porch. then i visited with the two cats that came to visit. there is a really friendly black cat that comes. hehe horay for another cat friends. ummmm yea and since then i have been doing stuff making my house look pretty and my room clean .

umm ummumm i am excited for you guys to come and visit me and see me new spiffy house, it is pretty fucking sweet. thats all i got i guess. sorry this was a terrible post, but i thought that i should update.
love you all

You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..

take this sinking boat and point it home, we still got time..

well this is it..well almost. haha, tomorrow i move the majority of my junk down to vic. then either sun or monday i am there for goods. woots and woes' i think the only think i will miss about nanaimo will be people, my friends the most. you guys are my wonderfully diverse and colorful rocks that i hang on to as the ocean of life moves me around. i love you all. i guess i'll miss my family to , including my cat.. cuz come on she is awesome.
i just got home from my last day at work at the restaurant, and although it was a closing it didn;t feel that terrible the first part was busy.. and then there was a little rush then no one came. it was also lans birthday so we just chilled and ate some ice cream cake. then i finished up and said good bye. i made pretty sweet tips. 72 bucks. for some reason some people just gave me massive tips. like 10 - 15 $ for nothing speical. i guess they knew it was my last day haha nah. anyways it;s sweet, i'm going to use it to celebrate with my favorite people. anyways i am realy tired and it will be a long day tomorrow so i best get some rest.
*loves*

Falling slowly , eyes that know me, and i can't go back...

i payed my dues, to watch the dividends roll in...

Well,,, i guess somewhere along the time i payed my dues. either that or all my frantic diligence payed off. we have found a place to live, and in mere hours we will be signing papers and writting post dated cheques.
lets start this story friday. which i believe could have been or was close to the day i wrote my angry life blog...either way . lisa was not a happy person friday. i spent most of the day franticly searching the interweb for houses, sending e-mails , making calls. and then i went to work. oh meanwhile i am texting kyle back and forth because we are suposed to go to the cabin the next day. however i do not feel that we should go spend time relaxing while we still did not have anywhere to live. i didi not want to be at work... but finally i return home and find that some one has messaged me back. yay a viewing. so then i make my way, slightly more optimistic, to give the gift of chinese and enjoy some company of crack whores and hobo's.

next morning wake up 8 am. set my alarm so that i can call back dude. and then go to see a house that day. also find another house to set up viewing with. nice. get a hold of kyle tell him i can not come to the cabin becase i have 2 viewings to go to. mean while i am texting dustin in victoria because he is going to come with me. make my way to vic. then i realize an hour before the 1st one that i don't actaully have the adress to the house. just the street. dustin and i wander, trying to guess which house it is, we knock on some doors and fail. so down hearted we head home, but after looking at a pic decided to try once again. and we found it. yay for deductive reasoning. see that house , apply, and we are on our way to the next. in the end i am glad that these poeple decided to do something that we where not willing to do ( that being wanting a 1 year lease) because we would not have then had our luck,,
anyways back to the story. we see the second house, dusting and i, however they want to meet kyle and josh as well so we set up for them to meet on monday.
lisa returns home one night for terribly boring bbq.
Monday. i hear back from the first house we saw . rented, not us. so i believe that we will get this other house and i guess make sure that i am going to arrange and be there for the boys next meeting. that time comes around, monday night we meet the girl to discuss. she tells us they want a one year lease. This place was hella nice, however it was fairly far away. we would have been able to put up with it for afew months but not a year so, as soon as she said that i knew it was a no go. so we head home, pondering what we do. haha and pretty much as soon as we get home , josh dustin and i are all looking to see if there are any new listings. there where. we where all looking at the same house ondifferent computer haha . anyways so i phone and set up a meeting for 9 am the next morning. kyle josh and i go, its a wonder ful house, will need a little care on the inside but i'm all into that. i see that he has seen other students. so i make the offer that we will pay him an extra 200 each month and sign a 2 year lease.( a trick that somone else pulled to get that other house we looked at) the house has space for a 5th person possibly, so we may find someone and the rent will be cheaper. timeout, let me finish the story, so we leave expecting him to call us back so we can come back and meet his mom who will be looking after the renting, he was going away. however he called back an hour later and offered us the place.. haha and then called back again to make sure we braught all the stuff today to make it official and junk. so anyways fairly nice house. spaciouse kewl deck out back, 2200 plus utilities. 2 year lease. like 600ish a month total. thats doing pretty good i say pretty good. any if we find someone else it;s even better. but i'm not concerned at the moment because i have somewher to live. and once we are all settled you have to come down and visit. to see , to get very drunk see my lookout post. whatever. i am not going to be a hobo yay

anyways i should be back thursday, have my last shift on friday. i want to see you guys before i go, not that i won't be back , but i am going to hella fucking miss you. i can honestly say you are the best group of friends i have ever have, and i don't intent to let you get away because of a little drive. i love you all. talk to you soon
*loves*

...going fucking mad.

just let me start by saying fuck you life. you are a temping devil who wields uncertainty as her great sword. i am going ... hmm lets see kinda nuts at the moment. i have a week basically for find a place to live and i'm not doing so great. i started looking over two months ago and have had no luck in all that time. so what makes me think that in once week i will secure not only what i want, but what i actually need...
at the beginning of the week i was hopeful. i had found a house and got an immediate response to go and look at it. i have not heard back as of yet , which makes me very sad. not only was it affordable but it was quite nice.. and awesome. i suppose i still have a sliver of hope seeing as i do not have a confirmed no on renting it, but.... *sigh* i will phone again today and perhaps e-mail. at the very least i need to know i cannot have it.
today i messaged 3 more potential houses. some of which where just posted today. so here's hoping.
i don't know what it is. bad luck? fate? why is it that even thought we try so hard, even though possibilities are dangled in front of our face, why do we have no luck. sometimes it seems that we are soo close, but then it is taken away and we are father than ever, with less time and less hope.
in one week and 3 days i will be in victoria. i will miss my friends and life here. i am going forward into complete uncertainty which i hate with every part of me.
i am irritable and unhappy. i will not be happy until i find security. for not i am going fucking mad.

and my only consequence is my own self disgust ...

today will be an interesting day. for the majority of the day i have nothing to do but sit around and think. luckily i get to work opening which means i don't have to close. i hate closing. i'm really getting tired of working at the restaurant. i can't wait for the day when i don't have to have shitty jobs. i really can't stand them for that long.
It's strange. On one level i am pleased at the person i have become, the person i am now. But when everything catches up , when you take a moment to reflect, you realize that there will always be dark things about you.

"Remember, your a wreck an accident
Forget the freak your just nature
Keep the gun oiled and the temple clean
Shit, snort and blaspheme let the heads cool and the engine run
because in the end everything we do,
is just everything we've done. "

I wish i had a better understanding of people's minds and emotions. They never fail to confuse and amaze me. not just other people's but my own i suppose as well. i wonder if i should paint today. it seems like forever since i have painted something for myself...

two more weeks till summer is over... i wonder what my life will be like after that..

A quarter and a kiss is all i should be worth to you...

so i have kinda given up hope that we will actauly have a house by september. it's like when you just get so much rejection that something doesn't seem possible anymore. so that is really kinda depressing, because all i want in to have a home again. Not that living with my parents is really bad, but i hate feeling censored. i can't truely be myself. I also hate living out of boxes it uber hard to keep organized. anyways thats my depressing thought for this blog post. Lisa = homeless.

in other news i had a wonderful day yesterday. it was soooo hot and awesome out. met up with drew and went for some good old fasion breakfast at mgm. it was actually super good. mmm hashbrowns. and then we made our way to the gorgiouse river. where, very shortly after, martha, nathan, dan , and liam met up with us. we had a grand time. once we dispersed drew and i picked up some beer and groceries for deliciouse stirfry and margarita's! martha and eryn soon joined and we played boche ball , and drinking games. a day like yesterday is what life is all about. good times with good friends.

and tomorrow ... along with being my dad's birthday that i might not even see him for and just got him a gift today... is eryns party where there will be much more merryment. and i don't have to close so i will get to enjoy more of it!

anyways i am starving. much love.

you are the brick , i'm so unpredicable, led by the current away

so i just woke up from like 4 hour nap. in the middle of the day.... after getinng up like 2 hrs earlier. i dunno what it was. i made hash browns( which i decided reminded me of thundercats, i'll explain later) then read my book for awhile. then i just felt so tired so i went to lay down on my bed. 4 hrs later here i am. i blame it on my dreams. i am under the impression that because i have such vivid dream and remember them that i am not really in the proper state of sleep. so often a full night of sleep i still feel tired. i guess it was not so bad today. i was wonderfing what i should do today before work. and i ended up watching my crazy dreams. *shrug*

hash browns remind me of thundercats because spencer used to make them for me when we where watching thundercats. and i guess i make them like he made them. it was a strange sensation here i was makething something to eat and i was thinking that i was about to watch thundercats,

in other news, i'm getting tired of my work so hardcorely... last night i had to stay till 9 , because the new girl couldn't quite take it. which pissed me off, cuz i had plans. the worst part is that when i first got there at 4 there was no one. no one even showed up to eat until 645. BALLS
*sigh*
i really don;t want to work tonight. 4.5 hrs seems like agony. i'm so glad i have tomorrow off , and hopefully can get friday off. then apres that who knows, but i do know that there will be 4 of us working again so i guess i will tell cassandra to give me less hrs... thought after how badly the new girl did last night might be forced to work more. hahah i can totally tell now ( and i have been thinking this for a while) that i will never be able to have one steady job, i guess at least not a shitty one. haha i need to be free and changing kinda. haha i guess thats why theatre or the arts will work for me.

anyways thats all. still don't have a house . hopefully we get one soon*sigh*

Without the sour the sweet wouldn't taste

i've decided some truths about myself.. they are as follows...

i am a giver i will give you the shirt off my back or my last penny if i thought you needed it, but don't dare take anything from me... i need to surrender things of my free will, or i become very unhappy.

there are men in my life,romantically or otherwise, but none of them control me.
- as of now i am a free soul, and i am talking advantage of the life i have to live.

my life is prioritized like this.
human contact, work , sleep ,food, other.
i will always make time for people first and for most. they help me keep my sanity when things get going out of control. if i have time for work i will generally take it, despite the strain it may cause. if both are needed i will sleep before i get food. or think of it this way i would rather sleep in than get up and make breakfast or a lunch for myself. food is good. and then many other of my lesser responsibilities or wants come after that. i'm sure there must be exceptions but this seems generally true.

i've had some time to ponder things over the past few days. and this is what i figure

I don’t know how to break the bottle I’m living in...

i work every day the next two weeks except for thursdays. poop. o well i guess at lest i will be doing something productive. and i guess 10 30 - 11 is not that late. maybe i will be able to save lots of moneies for my car jar... i want a yaris! hehe keep hoping lisa...
really there are more important things in my life right now, like where i'm going to live. my dearest joshua is working so hard to find something. but i am very disappointed in our other two friends. *shakes head* what are you going to do? you can;t make someone responsible, or willing to help. so here's crossing my fingers for the place they are looking at tomorrow. i can't wait to move, i feel so condensed right now.
first step find a house, second step ... yea.. so as of right now i am only registered for 2 classes first semester, and waitlisted for one... i have 3 classes 2nd semester... the problem is, i don;t know what to take. i can't get into any of the art classes unless i am getting an art degree.( well i might have a chance if i show up on the first class , they might let me in) but other than that... there are hardly any theatre classes i can take... especially right now so what the fuck do i do... i think i may get a job, and only do some classes. i dunno, i've looked, there doesn;t seem to be anything for me.
really i don't know what i am doing. can't i just jump forward afew years.... nah. arn't i suposed to want to spend my life here, in this time...
maybe i will just marry some rich guy and live like a queen, do art all day...
any takers?
didn;t think so ....

... Don’t leave me now

tomorrow i am a princess

i am so very annoyed right now. i fucking hate people who come into the restaurant late... and then just slowly eat and then sit around after they are done eating, WAY TO BE INCONCIDERATE DOUCES! (sigh) o well i guess its over for now...
i have been meaning to post for like ever... wel maybe after days.. so what. the stange thing is i actaully have thought of interesting things to post about, unlike my usual " today i went to the store, i had stuff for lunch blah blah blah, it was of substance , i guess i will try and impart on your my thoughts.... now..
more and more i have been thinking about people... really i always think about people but in this instance i have been thinking that many people believe that they know how they and other people should live their lives... i can think of several people off the top of my head. people try to empart their " divine wisdom " on you, when really it totally doesn;t work for you... fuck half the time it probably doesn;t work for them. people have their own way of going about things. you stick with your way and i'll stick with mine and then maybe we can both be happy. i hate when people try and tell me how to live my life, try to tell me what to do. i can appriciate imput , but not when it's yelled at me without reason. i don;t respond well to nagging either.
i've been thinking about myself. and what kind of person i am, i am sensitive to other people's emotions, i can generally feel what other people are feeling even if i don't react to it. i'm all about how something feels, and while i do use facts to figure things out, in the end i use my gut to figure what to do. i'm not confrontational, i don't like to fight, i don't like to yell. it makes me uncomfortable. perhaps thats why it takes me so long to get angry. i generally back down even if i know the other person in wrong, because really i don;t think it;s worth it. When people start getting angry over stupid shit chances are they arn't going to listen to reason. fuck that reminds me of sam. thank god i never have to see her again. fuck . P in the A. i don;t like to hold onto things. i tend to forgive and forget. if there is an offence against me that is greater it will simply take longer , but there is no doubt in my mind that i will get over it. it often surprises me what i get over. emotions are so funny. it;s strange how they can be so drastically different withing such a short span of time.
..... i'm thinking about myself, becaues i have been thinking about other peoples perceptions of themselves. it's so funny how different our perception of our self is than other people's perceptions of us. If anyone is up for it, or bored or something, will you write out a little blurb about me. just the first things that come to mind when you think of me. they key points maybe or even go in depth if you like...leave a comment or message it to me if you like... i just wanna see what the difference is between what you think and what i think....
anyways... i guess this blog post makes up for my lack of decent blog posts.. i am kinda just rambling now. O well at least i'm not feeling annoyed anymore. just very introspective.

tomorrow i am going to vancouver... and i am going to be treated like a princess. it is nice when people show you how much they appriciate you, i think it is something that isn't often done. I certainly don't feel the appricaition i think i deserve... but i guess that just does along with how we see ourself... it;s how we see our actions.. and how other people view them. maybe i'm not as kind or giving as i think. maybe my offers to help, or the simple act of waiting for , or with someone has less value in the real world than it does it my head...

p.s. pemberton rocked

2 days 18 hrs, 38 min and 43 sec

The time draws near!about a day and a half remains until we set forth to the great pembertim. *hearts* ZOMMG so excited. i have finished the flag. my father helped to make an awesome flagpole! we will be able to find where we are yay! today i finished the t-shirts!! tank tops whatever... they are not fancy but still awesome. tomorrow i will buy some colored permanent markers so that we can get people to sign them and junk. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee




it's strange but i am rather sleepy at the moment. i guess it makes perfect sence for the past week it seems i have been going non stop. if i'm not working, i'm hanging out, or shopping or working on junk for pemberton( which is totally worth it)i could totally just fall asleep right now. all i have to do is put myfd head d ddowwn.gftcj..............*drools*

.... drivers test tomorrow, hope i pass. not that i am a bad driver or anything i just get very nervouse sometimes when i am getting tested. i failed my N test twice. poop the first time because i was nervouse( not that that fucking bitch as cunt of tester helped) and may have backed up onto the curb... the second time when i had the same cunt of an examiner , it was total bullshit.*steams with anger* ....... so i guess the moral of the story is ihaven't had the best luck with driving tests......
p.s. if i do pass someone make sure i have my passport with me , because otherewise i will have no picture id and that could be big troubles..... i have it close to my stuff , but just in case.

anyways i think i am going to do something... restfull..

it'd go the whole wide world...

what day is it... i keep getting the feeling its the weekend , but then i remind myself it isn't. dates hardly matter in the summer. unless you have super awesome things planned.. like pemberton!
one week and counting ladies. one fucking week. breath breath, gonna be soo sweet. but back to my previouse train of thought, and it is gone... left the station good bye
ope here comes a new one. mm i just had a deliciouse dinner . terriaky steak, with potatoes and corn on the cob. unfortunatly i am very sleepy now.poop.

ummm so i got back from victoria today, it was fun , though we still do not have a house to live in which is unfortunate. i will be sooo happy when we finally have one. there will be much celebration. i can;t wait to live on my own again. hmm anyways. i guess thats it. i really don't have much that is exciting to report....
off to work soon, i wonder if i can have a power nap.hmmmm
LOVES!

look at the moon slowly rising, look at those starts up above

i am sitting in a tank top and my underwear with the fan on. it is nice. i love it when the nights are hot. they have an energy. i can;t really describe it, it;s like it gives you life... inspiration. it makes anything seem possible... and the act of simply walking the streets feel like a grand adventure.
when i think back to high school summers i think thats what i think of. wandering the streets just being out with friends..
i remeber some of my old friends would walk by my house and call out my name. then when i heard them i would go out and sit on the grass with them and just chill. it was a wonderful time.. but really .. thats all i miss about highschool. haha .

OMG.. so i just found out the funniest thing. i am in my tank and undies and i went to go take my bra off and i realized it;s inside out haha... here i am thinking to myself " wow why is this so hard"
but then i figured it out and now feel a little foolish. but not really i was in a rush to get to work this morning... SEGWAY
sooo tasia and i are sitting in bed looking at appartment ( that sounds sooooo funny but really we were) and my boss calls says no one showed up for the buss today... so i have to go in.. andways do the bug come home and veg because i have to work again at 5. du du du ... go to work at 5 again no one showed up... so i had to work all night my myself which was balls on one level because there where two reservations and 4 other largs groups showed up, luckily i got out at 1130 because no one came late( like last night.. bastards)and i made fat tips. sooooo i guess it worked out pretty sweet.
( lisa finally takes off bra)
hmmm what else is new.nothing.. oh i made a fish pick.., it;s pretty awesome.


darling just for tonight, until we get it right, lets make believe we're in love..

As the world falls down...

i'm not 100% sure what it is... but i haven't been happy the last little while. maybe it's an effect from moving back home, maybe it's that i'm being fucked over at work, maybe it's the lack of drive i have. maybe it's my disappointment with uvic, maybe i'm lonley. it's probably all of these things combined. It kinda feels like everything around me is kinda letting go, falling loose. I'm not doing anything worth while and it's upsetting me. the past few months i felt quite happy/ content but in the last week it seems to have totally shifted. *sigh*
i guess on one level it's good because i totally don't want to stay in this funk. i have some idea's that i want to do. i guess when i am unhappy( not all the time) i get inspired to change something. earlier this year it was my eating and junk. but funnily enough when i was really happy for a few months i kinda slacked off. it's like i need to be miserable to change.. ha ha or at least produce interesting art work. hahaha oh to be a tortured artist.

i'm sure i have told you, or mentioned it... but what i really want to do is sell my art. i've dabbled but what i need is to go and fucking do it. the only problem is confidence i guess. i have a love hate relationship with my art, i love it , then hate it... i am never really satistfied, so because of this i never really think my art is good enough to sell(despite the positive feed back), and when i do sell it i generally tend to under price it because i feel bad taking lots of money A) for work i don't think is that great or B from people who are my friends. i need to find somewhere to sell it otherwise this is my biggest blockade. i need to find them... i need to go to galleries and ask to put my work up. i just get nervouse doing shit like that. but i guess if i am miserable and want to change that then i have to suck it up. does anyone have any suggestions as to where i can sell/ display my art? i know of one farmers market. do you need a permit to sell stuff by the water front? is it acceptable to go into like coffee shops and ask them to put your work up? how do people do this?

one day i'll be an artist

have fun sitting still on your high horse. I'm walking the fuck out of here.

there are so many little annoying things that you have to deal with as you grow older. blarg. it;s nothing really but i just kinda feel like i need an office or some kind of organizer to deal with all of them . haha. they are just little things that you never really think off. like ccalling and making appointments and stuff. "*shrug* i was just thinking.
yesterday i was suposed to have an inspection of my suit however the person never showed up soooo i have to do it today after work. which is balls.
you know what else is balls. getting fucked over for hours at work. for the next two weeks there are 3 of us and i am getting less hours than when there where 4. out of 15 days i work 6. and they are like 5 hour shifts... my pay cheques are going to be under 200$ , dont even say anythign about tips because half the time i make shitty tips. so what is there to do ? should i run out and find another job for two months. or stick it out, try and relax and maybe work on my own artistic endevours.
its a tough choice for me. on one side i need to work.. i need to be making money constantly. On the other hand i could do what i kinda have been wanting to do and try to sell my art. to this point i haven;t given myself enough time to do this, but as i get tired of the meaningless jobs that i have had i want to do it even more. so do i take a chance and give up some money saved and pursue some dreams?
and it's all fine and dandy to say yes... go get your dreams... but how plausible is that? i don;t wanna end up being idle. i hate to waste time, but.... i dunno.
one day i will be an artist. i just have to get started i guess

haha i've come to think that many jobs that i have worked end up not treating me like i deserve. i am a hard worker. the only thing i ask from a job is a some what flexable shedual. i give notice in advance. i guess that is too much to ask. i find that i feel unappreciated and then become bitter about working. 6 days out of 15. that is bullshit. but i guess the people who are getting this shifts need it more. because really they have nowhere else to go and i am gonna get the fuck out of there and make something of myself.

...

as i was walking to my appartment from my car i had the perfect title for a blog... but now i have fogotten it... fuck. and it was epic too. i remember that because i though it might be a little too epic.
(time passes)
..... so now it is 7:48 on wednesday morning. i'm moving the rest of the stuff out of my appartment today. it's gonna be all nekkid. i will be happy to move on, i am looking forward to living in victoria. i love my parents however i am not looking forward to living with them for a month or so.. haha i know i am a big winner. but whatever. I wonder where i will sleep tonight. tomorrow is a big day because we are going to MATT GOOD. tomorrow is going to roxor my soxors... anyways
i'm gonna get on it. it is a beautiful day outside and i don't want to waste it

I am waiting for vincini...

or martha .. hehe.. yeah yeah i know i am not funny. if you tell me exactly what that is from i will give you a prize. fucking waiting i hate waiting. it drives me nuts when i have to wait for people.. but o well such is life... it kinda seems like we are always waiting for something. people, time to pass, things to get better mr right to come alone. i wonder if there will ever be a point in life when i have everything i could need and am not waiting for anything.

earlier today i felt energized. i wanted to go out , to experience to feel alive.. i wanted an adventure. i still do . everyone is however pre occupied.. either with being out of town or busy with work. so i came home and started packing up my shit. i got a done. though it doesn;t look like much .. i have pack pretty much all of my clothes and my other closet junk into boxes and culled out some clothes that i will probably never wear. some of which are in not to bad condition and make take whatever they please.mmm rum and coke rum and coke.

i was thinking today that it is kinda funny how many of us planned to go away for at least afew days around the same time... and i dunno about anyone else but i never knew of other peoples plans until they where coming us.. i just think it;s funny. it;s kinds nice to.

i wish i was more diligent in writting down my dreams. i did it for a while but have long since stopped. it would be interesting to know how my dreams have changed. i just notice things like i haven;t had dreams where i was flying , or there was someone chasing me, or i was fighting with someone. alll my recent kind of dreams have been like little stories. i where i am working through some plot as the main character. so now is when i really wish i had been more diligent writting shit down because i wonder if it coensides with my life and junk. anyways marhta is here YAYYYYY

a barnacle and a heart of stone

my god i am so lazy today haha. thats ok thought it think it is good that i am doing nothing for a change... so .. let me tell you a little story about my night at work last night. i was working the closing shift 6- 12 . which is lame in it;s own right because it;s no fun to work till 12. after 830 our buffet gets put away and it slows down almost entirely. almost no one comes in after that except on rare occasions i will be busy. if everything is done and there is no one there i can go home at 1130 because thats when the kitchen closes. normally someone will come in just before 11 or slightly after so i can;t go home early. yesterday night was no excaption. 3 people came in and ordered at 10:50. fine whatever i think to myself, i can still get out kind early. nope.. then at like 11:10 two people come in and order. at this point i am very unhappy. then just before the kitchen closes a group of 5 people come in and ordera big dinner. FUCK. at this point i am very unhappy. but oh wait it gets better. the group of 2 have since left. leaving 8 people . at like 1158 the rest of their group comes in, like 5 more people, and expet to order food. thank fucking god the kitchen was closed. so finally when they all left i get to re vaccume , clean up after them and wash all the floors. at like 9 i was so tried and all i wanted to do was come home.... i was very not happy about having to stay till fucking 12 30.
haha the funny thing was when i got home i couldn't even sleep so i stayed up till like 2 or something.
today i ended up sleeping in till about 1230, and have not really done much in the way of productive things. except for a nice walk to the grocery store. horray for walking.

because i am lazy today i have been surfing useless junk and reading some old e-mail that i have saved. it almost makes me sad the way things used to be compared to how they are now. but on the whole i am much happier with things now. last night as i was vaccuming for the first time i was thinking about soul mates. everyone has a different view on them. whether they exist or don;t exist and what being some one;s soul mate actally means. to me it seems like a sappy term for a true kind of relationship you have with a person. to me i dont; think it has to be a romantic bond, but it could be. i think it's finding someone who you feel a strong trusting connection to. for me it;s someone i can be honest with and know that even if they dissagree with what i believe they will try to understand. someone that cares for you and even thought you may be apart for however long your connection keeps you together. a soul mate is like a person, a friend, a lover who is woven into your life, who stays with you as you changeand who undertands you on a different level then everyone else. really i am crap at explaining the wait i think/ feel about this. but o well. in my opinion, i have two soul mates and i know no matter how our lives fluctuate, whether they move closer or further appart , they will always be a part of me and ,even perhaps in the slightest measure, i will love them. what do you think of soul mates? true? false? fantacy?
i may not have made it very far thought this life but i have seen enough to know that the people that are worth keeping around are worth the effort, and will put in some effort as well.

much love, lisa

Blend and balance pain and comfort deep within you

you should all be proud of me haha i just turned down some work. it would have been some nice extra money, but really i don't need the money and i need days off god dam it.. to many times i miss out on things because of work. I'm striving to balance my work addiction. in other news i am also addicted to pocky... for those that don;t know they are very skinny bread stick/ pretzel type things covered in chocolate they are wonderful and deliciouse and fun to snack on. mmmmm sooo good.
not a lot is new with me. i always feel bad about not updating cuz i always want other people to update but really i don;t have a lot to say. other than working at the restaurant , i worked at the conference centre setting sound equipment up for it;s opening.. that was very fun and junk. then on my day off thursday i helped cody paint, took in 73 dollars worth of bottles with tasia and eryn, and then went to help melissa clean up the costume storage at mal.

today and tomorrow i work 6-12 boourns... i slept in but an still tired. sigh. got some school junk done had to send more stupid transcripts to uvic. sigh. hope all that gets sorted out. gonn ahave to start packing soon as i move out at the end of this month and i know time is gonna fly bye just like it already has been. it;s already june! going to seattle next weekend with my mom aunt and tasia. and then a week or so after that it's the matt good concert! yay. and then back to my rents... *sigh* it will be nice not to pay rent but i don;t know what i will do with myself. it will be strange for sure.
o well
anyways.. thats about then end of my interesting list of events or whatever. farewell
*loves*
Relax Slip away....

We love in vain narcissistic and so shallow

i love listening to music in my car. i was't into any of my cd's for a while so i didn;t end up listening to anything in my car for a long time. Then recently i've been rediscovering all my wonderful old music. like marylin manson, he has made some really awesome songs. and done some pretty sweet covers as well, tainted love... sweet dreams.. personal jesus. and the reason they are particularly good in the car ,is because you can really feel the music around you. it;s like your surrounded by the song or in it... *raises eyebrow* marilyn manson ... sooo goood.

you know what i am really excited for.... tomorrow! i get to have a day off. horay. just like these past few days i have been comming to see how much a work. why i am so dumb to work so much. you know the funny thing i keep on telling myself that i will give myself more time off. but then i just accept all the work i get offered... really i think my mother created a monster... she always goes shopping and she is a super bargan hunter. she always shows me her newest "deals" but she is also hard core about saving your money. sooo my want to save money is being spent because of my need to shop. so the little working lisa needs to work all the time to be able to save and buy. i'm a monster i tell you.. A MONSTER...!

I figured a fun thing to do for you guys. i'll organize it and then we can get all excited about it. and trust me.. its fucking awesome

hmm hmm things that make you go hmm

so i totally don't know what to think now... it's been a long time it seems since someone put so much thought into something. i will show you my new found treasure, which i dunno, i guess i don;t deserve? should't have accepted.. but thats out of the question. his hands and voice where shaking
anyways just makes me think, and smile a little

things arn't as pretty on the inside.

"Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind."


i was thinking about this... and it feels true to me. i'm not saying that i am the character who said this or anything. it;s just the idea that people.. i guess guys tend to think of me as this adorable novelty. at least thats how i see it. they seem to like me so much without even really knowing me. It gives the connection a hollow feeling. it makes me feel like a pet. and i am not a pet. i find that i flirt with the idea of someone and then i kinda push them away. or i tell them not to bother with me because i am too much trouble, and if they took off their rose glasses they would be able to see that i am pale and scarred just like everyone else. i'm not saying that is what i am currently doing. In fact i guess i enjoy my current attention however it seems like the same old situation when a boy looses all his senses. I'm tired of goofy eyes. i want a chase, i like a challenge. one day i will have someone thats makes me feel alive. i want to feel alive.

anyways, my thought of the mornin... time for work.

You say the world has come between us, our lives have come between us, still iknow you just don't care

so i did it again. i had some crazy dream where my character in the dream( this time i think it was me) ended up breaking down into tears. i wonder what it means because i really don't feel that upset about anything. in this dream a bunch of us where going on this adventure trip thing... and we had stopped at this big busy store to buy some stuff. this older lady and i where looking at this aqua pastic or something and we where wondering how it worked so i went to customer service where a very useless employee very slowly showed me what i knew and didn't tell me what i didnt,she in the process of showing me she she ruined the product i was thinking of buying. so i ran back to get a new one. i was in a hurry to get back to the group and the store was really crowed and i was dodging around people , i think i then ran outside to check to see where everyone was. they where all waiting for me.. so i ran back in jumped over some bar things the like a police man stopped me and asked me to step outside. it was at this point that i was so frustrated that i collapsed into tears. i was escorted outside by the police officer to a picknic table around the back of the store where he asked me why i was in such a hurry.. and told me that apparely i has poked some lady with a bag i was carrying... ( totally didn;t have a bag but whatever) then that was it. the police officer asked if i had any beer, i said had some in my trunk if he wanted.( the police officer was sitting across the table from me and i think at this point someone was sitting next to me)
then everyone else drove around back to where i was, someone drove my car around for me. and that was basically the end. the was alot more before but i just thought i would share that part.

strange eh. i have always wished that i could determine what dreams mean. i pertty much always dream and very clearly recall what happened. there are many dreams from years ago that i still remember pivotal parts of. o well i will probably never know.

as for today it looks like a waste of garbage, very shortly i will be heading down to the kids fest office to hand in my reciepts for finally get paid back for what i baught. and then guess what i get to go back down there.. probably later today to actually pick up the cheque.. then i get to work at 6, how fucking lame is that like who came up with that system. the annoying part is i'm going to fucking put up with it because i want my 530$ back. a.s.a.p
i guess i will find something to do at home . augh.. they are showing people around my house again today and tomorrow. that is annoying.. means i have to put pants on...

And now what you've all been waiting for...

and update. horay... an extremely long overdue update. it's not my fault i've been retardedly busy.
first thing first kids fest was awesome, a super good fun time. on the whole i would say that i didn;t spend that much time actually working maybe like 25hrs, however i had to spend a lot of time hanging around looking like i was working haha and what took the most effort haha, no jk,.. then everyday after kids fest we would go out or stay in and get liquored.. it;s a tradition. heh a tradition that ended up costing me a good chuck of the money that i earned but... it's totally worth it. anyways then i got back from kids fest and had to work a gig at the college. it was the most beautiful hottest day of the year so far and i was stuck inside a dark box... totally not impressed. o well i'll get some nice over time. then the next two days i went to work at chemainus for some nice 8 hr days.. one of which was a stat holiday so hopefully i get payed moremuhahaha. sun and mon i hung out with cody apres work, then tuesday i worked at the restaurant and got to see some lovely ladies tasia and gabby, horay for a porch oreo. hehe. then yesterday... wait for it... yesterday i had a day completely off... and it was all i thought it could be.. i slept in a bit, got some junk done, cleaned my room( it;s amazing how big it looks now hahaha) made personalized wrapping paper then wrapped my mom;s gifts and gave them to her. then went shopping with gabby tasia and jill. i baught some super cute shirts and the best dress in the world.. but all of those pale in comparison to my new red tea pot and big plate. i love them sooo much . i also had gone shopping the previouse day in my break and got some new capris and shirts and a jacket. really i should be saving my money but honestly, when i work and work and work i need to unwind and waste some of the money i made. i just need it.
anyways after shopping we came home and i made some dinner then we went to pipers with some blankets( apparently not enough hehe) and chilled in the grass. it was nice but to bad we didn;t have a camera. o wells. then came home and chilled.. i passed out like super early. like 10.... i fell asleep. i dunno why i was so tired, i was completely sober. i'm guessing / hoping that i just needed to catch up on some more sleep. i slept solid till like 9. my brain was fully of crazy dreams
it was like a movie... and it seemed like a pretty good movie however there where some parts i found needed a bit more explination.. there was a plot to do with lying.. like there was this group of people who had this kind of power because of lying... like almost magical powers.. anyways there was this one part when i was in the mind of this man and he was in danger of falling from these stairs that where falling apart and his wife is there and ends up telling him that she is on love with another woman.. anyways long story short he finally gets to the ground and had broken down into extreme agony over the loss of his beloved wife that he is sobbing hysterically on the ground. and i can totally feel this emotion. it;s fucking intenst. and then it turns out that i was all a lie. the wife was just saying that to save him or something. i;m not exactly sure how it works but i can kinda see... anyways it was just a dream and mine are strange as hell. but isn't it intense how much you can feel when you are asleep.. it;s like waking up crying that is fucking h-core..

and now for today. woke up to a clean room which was awesome haha. now i am chilling until work.o man opening shifts are a piece of cake. chillen reading on my break. a bit more work then bowling. haza! with cody and melissa and robin. i love 10 pin bowling. : D it will be uber fun and
next thursday i get to go to the chemainus opening with cody, melisa and robin as well. i'm pretty excited.. i'm totally gonna wear my new dress hehe!

anyways i think that is enough useless comentary for now. hopefully now that everyone is caught up on my doings i will be write something kewl. but maybe not. *shrug* it seems like i was gone forever but really i was only out of town for like4 days... weird

kill the bugs

tasia and i just watched star ship troupers... and it was pretty much fucking amazing. well up until the one guy gets his brains sucked out.... sooo fucking intense and ... everyone dies.. eeeee. but terribly entertaining. so today... was the creating of the greatest fruit plate ever. oranges pinapple strawberries, cherries and grapes... all surrounded my nuttella. muahahahahahaha so very delicious. work tomorrow then work for the whole week. anyways

i think that is all ..really i just wanted to express to you how much i loved watching star ship troupers just now.

farewell

did you ever think of me? your so considerate...

i have decided i am very particular about what i like certain things to be like. lots of things i don't care but others... for example, i love being touched. i like when people play with my hair or rub my back or feet. massages are awesome. but i don;t like being touched when i am trying to sleep i have found, it keeps it awake. i defiantly don;t like being touched when i am feeling ill or hung over because i am super sensitive to every feeling. i do like to be held. but not all the time. i like to be free. i have never really liked holding hand it makes me feel like i restrained and i can;t go anywhere on my own. however there have been exceptions... times when i am feeling connected or people that i feel comfortable with. when i feel trapped i tend to get really twitchy and have the insane urge to break free. hmm oh... hmm revilation... perhaps it;s not that i don;t like cuddling but i don;t like the expectation that i have to cuddle. i never like it when someone tells me i have to do something. i guess it is kinda the same except with gestures instead of words. i am such a strange person. i hate when people don;t listen to what you tell them. especially when you are just trying to help them. warn them perhaps of dangers to come. i hate being ignored. it used to happen to me alot.... thought nicely happens much less now. haha people dont cut me off as much anymore yay.. hahah . .

anyways. * large exasperated sigh* what is a girl to do , because yea.... and stuff and junk.. hahaha
i guess i better get dressed and junk.
loves

were just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl..

i had something insightful and poetic and possibly life changing to write however i seem to have forgotten. i was thinking about it as i washed chairs because i had nothing else to do.
hmmm i think it had something to do with life and how we see it. like how sometimes we think we know exactly what is going on with our lives. we think we are in control. obviously life had ups and downs right, and then other times we realize that we know absolutely nothing, and knowing that is more knowledge than "knowing exactly what is going on " does that make sense to anyone?
i am very tired. today at work was excruciating after about an hour my body just started to hurt and all i wanted to do was collapse and not move. that is still what i want to do. i am in a low spot right now, working this past week has slowly stolen my soul. the weather doesn't help, nor does pointless waste of time meetings that i have to go to. at times like these i wish i had a room mate. not even really to talk to, just so i know someone is there. i like to have people near me, it's comforting.
i really need to go to sleep so i can wake up and forget about right now. i hope the weather improves. sometimes you just need a little sunshine to brighten your day.
" you are my sun shine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey...."

anyways bed time for lisa, you know she needs her sleep when she starts singing.

early..ish morning musings

i know this sounds like a horrible thing to say, but sometimes i get really tired of pathetic people. i'm not saying that i am alway better than these people because sometimes i am pathetic myself. i think we all have those moments. but those are just moments... it just drives me nuts, it boggles my brain how people can not make things better for themselves. they are generally just lazy, they sit around and complain. take money for instant. many people complain that they don;t have enough money. well don;t spend it on stupid shit.. or maybe if you worked more than three days a week it wouldn't be a problem. it;s not hard to find a job, especially ridiculously easy ones. think your better than that job? don;t complain about not having money. get off your ass and do something useful for a change. it hurts my head. AHAHAHAHAa i read something today that makes me want to throw my head back and laugh. sometimes i wonder if some people really have any clue about themselves. maybe they should take a step down from their hight horse. maybe they'd see they are sitting on a donkey... no not a donkey they are useful....
perhaps a sheep...

I don't want you to expect anything from me....

It looks to be time for an update. first lets start with todays plan
~ exercise and eat something
~shower and dress
~ do dishes
~make deliciouse sponge cake
~do those dishes
~ go to the college and do junk and stuff
~ do kids fest planning junk
~clean up appt?
~ go for a walk ?
~ go for dinner at rents
~ work

it seems that many things have happened since my last post. indeed they have ... like crazy lady down stairs and the party at gabe. going to see harold and kumar. hearing from uvic... and then all the random adventures in between. the only think that would make it all better, well perhaps not the only thing, would be if it was hot. i long for the warm nights and i know you all do to.
i had a strange dream last night, as i often do. and within it i faced one of my general life issues. i know tim jokes about me having a curse but i don't think he really gets it's true. this "curse" combined with my "semi-selfish freestyle attitude' as of late has presented me with the same issue that arises in the past. boys infatuated with me, they think they really like me but in fact don't know the whole of me. they just see the cute and not the crazy. so anyways i figured telling said people straight up that i was not particularly interested in anyone else. only myself.. at least right now. that i was just doing whatever.. in fact I've mentioned it several times
but i still get the general feeling that i am being a big ass bitch for messing with boys heads. even thought i stated my intentions. are you so attached after a few kisses, one a few of which where when i was sober. two boys on different sides of my world. both very sweet and funny boys. both of whom i explained to that" i am confused and selfish and not ready for anything" but i still see their hope, and i know i will be the bitch when i turn them down or whatever happens right. it seems like a double standard to me. I have been lead on and ditched at the drop of a hat before. i know what it;s like. this is nothing like that. i let everyone know what was in my head, what i am up to. but it seems like i'm not being heard so well. it is just me or do guys get less flack for being a tease or a flirt..? and i ask what the fuck.
In the end i don't want to hurt these boys, because they are sweethearts however i don't think they have much basis for complaint since i told them what was up and like i said really it was just some kissing and cuddling. i'm not writting them off, people just shouldn't expect anything from me right now. it's summer, i'm single and for once trying to do what i want to do.( at least within reason and excluding boys that have a disposition to become infatuated)

I know you well. you are a part of me.

soooo raise your hand if you had a lot of fun yesterday?* raises hand*
hight lights of the day
- bowling
- cupcakes and cake
- double round with mr black in a minute
- roast dinner..minus the very this gravy * lisa dropping ball*
- visiting hawaii
- lazer tag!
-south park... towlie

and now for a little break from that to give my brain cells a fighting chance.
i am finally officially finished school for the summer. horray. now it's just work and work and good times. waiting for the good weather.

i wonder. do you ever thing about yourself and see how well you actually know yourself. i dunno about you but i am constantly surprised at how different i am than how i thought i would be. it's not a bad different, in fact i think i like it. at least for now anyways. moment of clarity are a nice change from the fog.

dududu lisa = bored.. waiting for work
can't wait fro pictures from yesterday eeee
fare well

All you know is when I'm with you, I make you free, and swim through your veins like a fish in the sea.

Note: something important that i left out of my last post.... we played the bean game.

hehe
today i am free. i do not have to work or go to meetings or anything. i have tentative plans that i will keep tentative in my head. no sense setting myself up.
i am not sure what today will be like. dududu made myself a new set of yoga poses to do today. i was getting bored of the other ones. did my exercises and junk and got myself ready for the day. now i am just waiting for things to happen.

last night tasia and i went to walmart, and while walking to and from our cars we had the sense that it was summer. the temperature was a bit off but it was starting to get that feeling and that made me very excited.

anyways i really have nothing to say. i suppose i will go do something productive.

"And if you, Want to leave I can guarantee You won't find nobody else like me"