You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..

so, thanks to miss tasia, i am currently enjoy motion city sound track. it is good and stuff. not only is it helping me not work on my essay but .. well thats all i got.. it sounds good and junk. hehe
i have taken some notes for my essay .. and it;s not due for a while so i'm doing good. haha

and now a few words...
Let me in, let me in to the club, cuz I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and they're useless...

Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling
we'll try not to smile
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights
That still shock and surprise.
I believe that I can, overcome this and beat everything in the end
But I choose to abuse for the time being,
maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.


i always like reading lyrics when i listen to songs. it makes me like them more.. i guess cuz i know what it really says. anyways. HOLLy. he he it is 7 and the sun it still up. that makes me happy. summer will be here before we know it and i will be warm.. mmm warm. i really don;t know what i am going to do with all my time.. it's been a long time since i had a summer " to my self " so to speak. unless i get other gigs and stuff i will have the majority of the day off.. and i will probably wake up fairly early.. i am excited , perhaps i will do fun useful things. like go for walks and read stuff that i have been meaning to. one ish more week of school left... i cannot wait for it to be over. gah... i want my hand to get better it looks creepy and old by the light of my computer. anyways.... i supose i will write some more notes.. or do something else.... ahaha
i don;t really have a lot to say today.

I know I shouldn't waste my time,
Wishing I'd been better designed,
yet for some reason still think

up against an army with six soldiers on my side

right now i feel like garbage.. haha it always happens in the mornings generally. i wake up and realize i have to work the next three days, or my house is an absolute disaster because we made food and were to lazy to clean. i have to do a project i put off until now. i have a few hrs to do it , but that doesn;t make me feel motivated for it.
i kinda feel trapped right now. like bits of my world that where open before are caving in. it may sound dumb but i don't feel i can participate in activities with everyone. everyone is laughing and being happy and having a merry old time and i'm left hiding in the bathroom. if i didn't have those few people who actually come to see me and ask me what i am up to , i would be alone. it sounds stupid thinking it, but i feel ostracized from happy times. i can;t go hang out with everyone, because of where they are. it may be dumb but its really hard for me to go some places, because of what it reminds me of. goodbye many social gatherings. are people going to have to choose between appartment and basement suit? i hope i can get over whatever i need to because i know what the majority would choose.
yesterday i was in the booth with tim, i mentioned it would be kewl to go and see a some live jazz. tim said that a group was going out to the queens to next week and that i should go. but as much as i would enjoy the experience i feel that i am unwelcome. not that anyone has openly stated that, it;s that, i really feel i don;t belong. people will let me tag along, but no one wants to be a tag along. especially when it;s with your ex boyfriend.. and his new girl friend.
on that note it feels like a stale mate for me. i don;t know if this feeling, this situation is ever going to get better for me. i am surrounded. there is no running away right now. i'm stuck.
i can't wait till i can escape. aug the next few days feel so depressing. fuck why did i write this. now i really really have no motivation to work.

to you guys that really care for me, if i am getting through anything at all... it;s because of you. i hope i am not just being unreasonable. it doesn;t feel that way. i'm sorry if i am a no fun bum. but this isn't easy for me, it hurts like a bitch

hey ja ja jaded...

i'm glad i just got back from an amazing long weekend, not that i am glad to be back, i'm just glad all the happy memories are still fresh in my mind. i am trying my best not to care. just work on being numb. i;m so tired and full. i have lots of good things to think about to make me happy, rea;;y i couldn't stop smiling because of them hahaha... " i wonder how we could start..?" hehe hot chocolate. mmm manlyness. mystery of shit mountain. hahaha i was so excited, i wonder if my heart was pumping as much as it seemed. hehe
thank facebook.
just keep swimming , just keep swimming. one day you will forget me and i will forget you and we will both be happy again.
good night all
farewell

falling...

There's such a sad love
Deep in your eyes, a kind of pale jewel
Open and closed within your eyes
I'll place the sky within your eyes

There's such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I'll place the moon within your heart

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But I'll be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down

Falling
(As the world) Falling down
Falling in love

I'll paint you mornings of gold
I'll spin you Valentine evenings
Though we're strangers till now
We're choosing the path between the stars
I'll leave my love between the stars

Falling
(As the world) Falling down
Falling
As the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
(down) Falling
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down

Falling
Falling
Falling

Makes no sense at all
Makes no sense to fall
Falling
As the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
(down) Falling
Falling
Falling in love
Falling in love (love)
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love

i don't know where i am , i don't know where i've been

why is it that i sometimes feel the sexiest with frazled hair a big baggy shirt and pj's on? why do i feel the greatest accomplishment in trivial things like doing my dishes? as i brushed my hair out i had what i can only think to describe as "honest" look at myself. and it made me realize that every time i look in the mirror, i am not really seeing myself, but what i perceive myself to be. it's hard to look past what we think of ourselves sometimes. sometimes i wish i could trap that honest essence, and save it. keep it for myself? share it with someone most dear. because thats the most beautiful part, when i am just me. when there is no pretense, no awkward uncertainty. just times when i am myself and being happy doing it. it makes me wonder, if whatever 'me' i am now can be happy like that again. deep down i hope that some day, one day things will be good again.

*hear* The Last Unicorn *heart*

at work last night,this song got stuck on my head. and i love it because it is beautiful and say. the last unicorn has always been one of my favorite movies,and it probably always will. i hope you enjoy it as much as i do....*warm fuzzies*

stong or stupid

sometimes i wonder why i put myself through this. i have good times, but at the end of the day when i am alone again, the same feelings keep coming back. the worst part is i know it isn't going to just go away. yesterday i had a good day. time took tasia and i to uvic for a tour and a play. it was nice, but when i got home to my empty house and crawled into bed, there was just me. and i was sad that i was alone.
i also realized yesterday that people will still always judge me for the way i am , and act. for things about myself that i cannot change. i would not be myself if i could change it. it is so flustering trying to explain. wash up jonny, ha ha it's a big joke. people wonder why i get so worked up about things, but they don't realize those are things i have been made fun of for many years.
oh no poor lisa got made fun of and now we can't make any jokes because she gets upset. don;t make jokes about lisa she'll throw a shoe at you.
oh lisa your life is sooo hard. fucking get over it already.

i wish i didn't need someone else to make me happy. i wish a lot of things... but wishing doesn;t make them come true, nor does it make people love you, nor does it make you happy, nor does it give hope, or relief or make time pass.. it doesn't do anything.

horatio, superstore, and the dentist

soooo i am just waitin around for my laundry. i had this wonderful plan to come over and visit with my parents( they just got back from a trip) but neither of them are here. boo urns.. i am sure at least one of them will show up before i leave but poo. anyways i had a good weekend. saturday.. i think i must have done some stuff and junk on saturday... then on hmmmm... oh poo.. i totatlly just remembered that i was suposed to pick up baloons for the show.. but i totally forgot again. woops... hahaha it;s because i am suposed to be done this stupid show. i'm not thinking about it
anyways sunday tasia and i watched the last of the horatio hornblowers.. and it was sooo epic,." THEY LOVE HIM SOOO MUCH" then we watched some of newsies but the dvd was a bitch.. sooo we took a mish to super store and i bought aladdin. and a duvet cover ... which is red and kinda shiny and awesome. then we watched aladdin... to a break.... break.. nap whatever... went to the grocery store for provisions.. mm apples. and then watched star dust which i love soooo much.. ( thank you spencer hehe)


soo i went to the dentist today.. on one side i like going to the dentist.. because i like my teeth to feel clean. however.. the dentist totally always puts guilt trips on you. well maybe not always.. but i just get this feeling they think they are better than you because they are better with cleaning their teeth. not that i shouldn't take better care of my teeth.. but do they really have to rub it in so much. i'm really not to change what i do unless i decide to do it myself. no amount of nagging is going to do it for me. it;s the same with everything. but at least the good thing is.. when i decide to do something. it gets done.

dududu wtf are my parents...

i wonder

i really do.. if it was something i did along the way. personally i thought i did a lot for you. i wonder how you feel about the people who used to be your good friends. the ones you never see anymore. at the time i thought it was a nice gesture. a nice gift... until today i realized it wasn't entirely mine. it is a simple gesture but your sentiments are clear. it is a sore spot with me, anyone will be able to see. i just wonder why. don;t worry a few more months and you will be rid of me, but until then.. i will look after your fish...


on a side note a funny thought has just occurred to me... i will not mention it thought.. i will see and wait what happens...

oblivious

i live in my own little world that people pass in and out of. sometimes i really don't know what i am doing. it isn't an excuse. it's just that i'm to caught up in my own precious world to notice anyone else. especially now. now that i have decided to let go and try to act for me. whatever will make me happy. whatever i feel like doing. i'm trying to push my guilt aside. though it is a tough bitch to fight. and avoid thinking about others needs first. i don't want to do this forever. it just feels i need to break free from the something i was before. the only fear i have is that i will not get that part back. not that it is gone all together now. it;s just that if i let it go , throw caution into the wind... will i ever catch it again.
i don't want to hurt anyone. it isn't my intent. on the other hand i find it funny how quickly people jump to wanting things that they do not, or have not given to in the past. things are a mess it seems. a terrible mess. thats confusing an emotional and hurtful and junk. part of it is my fault. but i know it is not compleatly. that thought gives me comfort when i am down. there is part of me that knows things are going to get a whole lot messier before they straighten out. i don;t know why exactly. but things that i have heard things that i have seen and simply just a feeling tells me. i'm not going to actively change anything. things will happen as they may. though perhaps i'll walk a little more in reality for other people.

the day after yesterday.

thanks to kylan and michelle who game to hang with me.. eryn marth and tim who joined at fast eddies.. and jill gregoire tasia, and nathan who came later on. thanks for spending my birthday with me you helped to make it a billion times better than last year. not that i was that hard.
i am still torn as to how i feel about my birthday. there is part of me that wants to celebrate, and part of me that doesn't care. perhaps when i am much older i will be different.

currently i am hella tired. i had to wake up early yesterday and did so again today. then trying to get things done is tedious when people steal or clean up my materials while i am using them. regardless my toil is nearly completed. i only have a few more notes for myself to finish up. it;s good i am sick of looking at the stupid set. i am tired... i'm going to have a nap before work.