I don't want you to expect anything from me....

It looks to be time for an update. first lets start with todays plan
~ exercise and eat something
~shower and dress
~ do dishes
~make deliciouse sponge cake
~do those dishes
~ go to the college and do junk and stuff
~ do kids fest planning junk
~clean up appt?
~ go for a walk ?
~ go for dinner at rents
~ work

it seems that many things have happened since my last post. indeed they have ... like crazy lady down stairs and the party at gabe. going to see harold and kumar. hearing from uvic... and then all the random adventures in between. the only think that would make it all better, well perhaps not the only thing, would be if it was hot. i long for the warm nights and i know you all do to.
i had a strange dream last night, as i often do. and within it i faced one of my general life issues. i know tim jokes about me having a curse but i don't think he really gets it's true. this "curse" combined with my "semi-selfish freestyle attitude' as of late has presented me with the same issue that arises in the past. boys infatuated with me, they think they really like me but in fact don't know the whole of me. they just see the cute and not the crazy. so anyways i figured telling said people straight up that i was not particularly interested in anyone else. only myself.. at least right now. that i was just doing whatever.. in fact I've mentioned it several times
but i still get the general feeling that i am being a big ass bitch for messing with boys heads. even thought i stated my intentions. are you so attached after a few kisses, one a few of which where when i was sober. two boys on different sides of my world. both very sweet and funny boys. both of whom i explained to that" i am confused and selfish and not ready for anything" but i still see their hope, and i know i will be the bitch when i turn them down or whatever happens right. it seems like a double standard to me. I have been lead on and ditched at the drop of a hat before. i know what it;s like. this is nothing like that. i let everyone know what was in my head, what i am up to. but it seems like i'm not being heard so well. it is just me or do guys get less flack for being a tease or a flirt..? and i ask what the fuck.
In the end i don't want to hurt these boys, because they are sweethearts however i don't think they have much basis for complaint since i told them what was up and like i said really it was just some kissing and cuddling. i'm not writting them off, people just shouldn't expect anything from me right now. it's summer, i'm single and for once trying to do what i want to do.( at least within reason and excluding boys that have a disposition to become infatuated)