sign your name on the dotted line...

Ah music... how i love you. i made a playlist of some older songs on my rents computer. There are so may good songs that i have forgotten about.
So as many of the rest of you, i am sick of the snow. well not so much the snow i love snow. but i am sick of being confined and the limitation that the snow brings. Right now i kinda can't be pleased. no activity cures my boredom. i can't think of anything that would make this aggravated feeling go away.. well that's a lie. it's work.. I want to have some work to do. i want to do something for a useful purpose. making some money from it wouldn't be so bad either. My mom has been nagging me to sign up for another course. right now i have three. right now instead of another course i would like to work. as nice as it has been not to work i want more structure and purpose in my life. i am not content as it is.
as a continuation of that thought i want to be good to myself again. at the beginning of this year i started kinda working out and eating better which felt super great. I basically gave that up when i started packing my apartment life up. for the months i was at my parents i lived frivilously and free. which was pretty awesome im not going to lie. but i want that self satisfaction back .
" here's to all those who know me all to well, here's to the night we felt alive, here's to the tears you knew you'd cry, here's to good bye, tomorrows going to come to soon" (mmm music)
when i get home i want to get back into my wonderful ways. i dunno . i want to figure what i really want and go to get it. as for right now my life as no drive because i don't know where i am going. i feel pretty well established in vic. i'm comfortable there. now what do i want.

sometimes i wonder if i am crazy. dur... no like actaully bi polar or have some kind of split in my personality or thinking. or maybe it;s just cuz i just never know. damn it.. i was shoveling snow earlier and i had so many good thoughts to type but now i don't remember any of them. Oh i guess what i was thinking was .. how i have a love hate relationsihp with myself. sometimes i think i am the kewlest person ever. but there are so many things that i hate.. which i do... so thus i hate myself for being like that... .

" someday this chalk outline will circle the city"

Sometimes i feel like i can never be satisfied. Like there is nothing that will keep my happy. i worry that i will be like this forever. jumping from one foot to the other with mu opinions of everything switching back and forth. I want to be content... but do i really. look at me know. i am going nuts. i have no purpose to drive me. i should be relaxing, enjoying holiday festivites. but i don't really care. i do enjoy spending time i with my family but i need my own devices, time, space. It's funny. As a child i never got homesick really. i would go to peoples houses.. or away on trips or camping .. but i never missed my home as much as i do right now i think. i spent my life living in these walls but they feel uncomfortable. i want to be free of them.

"if my heart could beat it would break my chest"

I'm going to type on this side for a change.. hehe hhe.. heheheh
Yay... i dunno why but i seems fun.. somoene posted a link about a string quartet that did a tribute to the mars volta. and it is awesome. go to youtube and check it outs.

Ok thats enough blogity blogity for me tonight ... apparently i'm going out. haha
see ya's