you don't know the things you do for me

today and yesterday where not particularially good days for me. basically i felt like shit. i wanted to run away and hide. to forget that i had ever even thought about theatre. i feel as though i have failed this show. i was useless to help design and unable to paint the set my self. not like entirly my self but to over see it. to have my vision portrayed. no mike had to step in and make it less shity. i feel it everytime someone comments about how good the set looks, because i know it wasn't me who did it. i wasn't able to.
i;m so dissapointed in my self. i dunno what is wrong with me. normally i;m good at this, why was it so hard this time. my confidence has gone to shit at the moment. will i really be able to do this as a job? successfully? i feel small and insignificant. the only thing holding me together right now is the thought that in a short while things will go back to normal. i may be sane again. my head hurts and i am sooo tired . but i need to write this, to get my thoughts out before i loose it.

this all poses the question. if theatre is not for me what would be? there must be many things i am good at. what my dream would be ..to win the lottery and open a gallery. just do art, make things, do whatever i want . sell my wares to people. i don't know.my head hurts

i want you. i want you so bad, it's driving me mad. it's driving me mad
you make my days better
with only a kiss you melt away my frustration
and sadness
the feeling you give me is like a drug
please forgive
that i can't get enough
i love you
goodnight

p.s. one more day till opening. 12 more days till my life starts again
i want a foot massage

I want to be the starlight in the room

i wrote that phrase earlier and i think that it sounds particularialy beautiful now. which is good because thats how i intended it to sound.
"pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting through my open mind possesing and caresing me "
nothings gonna change my world
nothings gonna change my world
nothings gonna change my world
nothgins gonna change my world
images of broken light which dance before my like a million eyes. they tumble blindly as they make thier way across the universe.
i am a silly girl.silly silly. so , so that i don;t even know the extent. and a miserable wretch. sooo music is pretty much amazing. i need to get the across the universe sound track

i need to go to bed now.to sleep, per chance i may dream of you.
i ;ove you darling. tell me when you are free and inclinded to see me. i would very much an evening, night, hour, minut, in your company.
love love

cuz we are all wasting away...

work t minus two hours. only one more shift before i get like a week off. a well deserved week off.
" screaming feed me, fill me up again" tired today and kinda grumpy. just woke up that way. not really looking forward to the next 3 days. they are going to be a lot of work. more people said they would help out. i hope it is true. i need to figure out something for the bar, like weather we are doing pre order drinks or not. i guess if i think of good system... we will see

..i'm dying my hair... but only part of it.. i wonder waht it will look like..
shower time...

i want life to go back to normal. i'm tired of not eating properly. it seems like i haven't been living anywhere, like i can't remember where i went to bed. i know that it must be here or spencers but i cannot recall specifically spending nights at either. i supose the repetative nights of work blend time together .. one more night to go . i wish i was included in your plans. i hope i will be comming up. it's like your walking and i'm trying to catch up to you. and i have to keep calling for you to wait up.
i want a new dress. i want to be compleatly gorgeouse at opening. is that a funny thing to want. to have people look at you? admire your beauty? i supose i am just vain. it's wonderful if not necessary and think yourself beautiful, but it's also amazing to have everyone else think it to. i want to be the starlight in the room.
are we doing anything on wednesday???? because if not, i think that after preview we should get together an watch a Halloween movie. i mean it will be wednesday which is movie night. and if spencer doesn;t want people over we could probably come here. i dunno. i just think it would be fun.

i'm excited to see a full run of the show. with costumes and stuff. i think it will be good.

i guess thats all i got

what to do what to do

i am trapped in a moral delema. i have a huge print making project that is due on monday. my original intention was to get as much done today and tomorrow, and hopefully it will be finished. but i just can't bring myself to get up and go do it. i just don't want to . what i want is to take this day for myself. steal it away from the rest of the world and claim it as my own. this week so far has been alot of work. what with painting the set and work. *sigh* i was quite frusterated at how few people showed up to help paint. especially those who said they would help. i cannot express how annoying it was on wednesday hearing everyone singing and playing the guitar are doing nothing, while i was alone painting the set. many came to watch at the top of the stairs, but few helped.
*sigh* whatever

today i will be on day 3 of 5 for work. it is going just fine, last night rocked for tips. but working 5 nights in a row is tiresome. i hope that i will not continue to work so much, hopefully when kat gets back it will go back to normal, but unfortunatly we are down a server. one of the girls quit. she was pretty snotty, so w/e . but again i will put out there if any of you girls is lookin for a serving job it wouldn't be a bad idea to apply.

but anyways.yesterday i was exaustedi fell asleep on the couch in the lobby and had this weird dream that i had switched to the other couch and was trying to sleep wile annoying people where sitting to close to me. and i wanted to punch them. and then i was walking around the lobby and into the theatre. but then i realized that i was only imagining my self doing that and was actually still on the couch( the big one) but when i woke up i was still on the little couch i had fallen asleep on. it was strange cuz i actually thought i was on the other couch . haha . anyways.

having the day for me is looking more and more appealing. eep i have to find my brother a birthday present. hmmm it is a big project, but it's not like i won't do it. hm hmm things that make you go hm. i actually think that i have already decided. i just feel a little bad about it.
"i'm taking it back"
i deserve this.

in other news ross has asked me to design his spring show, to which i said yes to. i am kinda nervouse. but apparently ross asked mike and tim if it would be a good idea and they seemed to agree. so prehaps i have more ability that i think. it will be good for me. as it is i am kinda nervouse if i really know enough , and have to ability to create a set design or paint a set on my own. like i have kinda done it but. i never know if it is good enough. i supose i just don't feel ready. experience is all i need.

over all it has been a good week. yes it's been tiring and iritating at times, but meh.

tomorrow seems so far away.
i cannot wait.
~lisa~
man i need to go shopping. there is like no food in my house

taking a cue from eryn

so there is a lot of things going on in my life. i barely have time to think it seems. also i am taking a cue from chekove.
and now ladies and gentle men this is my action of in action

i have am amazingly creative, generouse, and in my opinion fun to be around.
i have an amazing family who i love.
my cat is the sweetest cat ever.
i have had the opportunity to travel the world, i have seen, the Carribean/ virgin islands, venice, turkey greece,france, spain, denmark, russia, polland, estonia, sweden, ext ext.
i have eaten caviar... but hated it.
.. but i tried it
i have amazing friends, that i can say for probably the first time in my life, i feel included and cared about by them.
i have a sweet appartment that i like living in.
i am an artist.. even if it's self proclaimed.
i have sold, given away, and desplay my art.
i've had a painting in a gallery.
i've been offered a scenic painting job without applying for it.
i've set off a big firework and am able to handle them legaly
i've worked on a pyrotecnics for a movie. even if it was a b movie it was fucken sweet
i've hung upside down off a the catwalk
i;ve zip lined through the trees in belize
i'm a sweet bar tender
i've seen a giant gold penis
i've been to a bar made entirly of ice
i have a good fashion sense that matched my personality
i've been in love twice, and had my heart broken twice
my consiouse is inherantly good, even if my mind tries to corrupt it.
i've tap danced in a musical
i played a fetus in a play.
i can cook a mean apple crisp
i've been scuba diving
i've swam with manta rays
i've eaten turtle soup
been to a rum factory... i love rum
i've beem euphoricly happy and depressingly sad
i've been a day camp leader
i've perfecty parallel parked a big budget van into a tiny space
i've been mushroom picking, camping, fishing hiking ext more times than i can count
i give money to food banks sometimes when i go to the grocery store
i've played tackle football and kicked ass
i've played fastball for 14 years, and was awesome
i believe i could make anything....it i dhad enough time.. and duct tape

thats good for now i need to have a nap before work,
i am 20.beautiful and amazing

somedays i have a face, some i am invisible

same old same old.good days and bad, good and bad. i probably will never understand why.
i'm not afraid. i think there are things that are important to you and you need to hold onto those. but i can and do change. i regret that i started writing this blog. it just makes my mind hurt with the things i have thought, the things i found are becoming more true. how can i not live with worry that each happy day might be our last. even in expressing how i feel, i seem in a sense to condemn myself to the fate which i currently dread. my worry and despair is a nuisance to you i think. i feel old and uninteresting. i hold no more exploratory value. i am the known path walked many times. i supose what is most unsettling is not knowing when you will decided you have had enough, and want to move on to a new experience. trying to prepair me for change.. i am not ignorant. i understand.
one day. today. tomorrow, afew months, a year form now. no matter what you want or hope it will still hurt very badly. forgive me for being a bother, as i said before any disgusting display i make can old lessen my time, but i hope you at least kind of understand what the world looks like from 11inches down.

why every week i look forward to the next in hopes that it will some how be better than the present. everything seems so dissorganized right now , but i guess it is becuase of the show.
it's interesting to see one's progression through time. looking back at things that where said. see so contradictory. but i guess life will never make sense. it never claims to.

this water never tasted so sweet

soo tired. work was crazy today. my whole section was full so i had to put some people in another one. there where only two of us on. and i made a mistake that cost me almost twenty dollars of my tip money. i gave carol the wrong bill for someone. and i didn;t realize until he had payed. anyways blahblabh the guy didn't pay enough so i had to pay. but i take responsibility , it was my mistake, but it still sucks.
at least i got home at a reasonable hr. and now i am just chillen, drinking some water... thats right water... i need to for yoga tomorrow so my head doesn't explode... cuz that would suck right. i'm really excited for it again. i think martha and i are going to get twenty classes. then we will be all buff... and hawt.
i thought i had alot to say , but come to think of it .. i don;t so i think i will go to bed.
maybe i'll read a bit.. ooh now i'm excited.
~lisa~
yay for tomorrow , maybe if i'm lucky i'll get what i am

"i check the mail, but there is no letter from you"

i finally got to sleep in. i wish i could do it more but eventually i have to get up and finish my print making project. the windowers are still thumping away. i keep thinking of all the things i have to do, all the plans, i can;t wait to be done with the next few days. why does every hour seem like an eternity. i guess i need a new watch. every thing seems like forever past, forever away. my head is ichy*pouts* martha and i went to hot yoga yesterday morning. it was intense and i can't wait to go back. i wanna do something good for me. thump thump thump is what i hear. i just don't want to get up, it seems like a waste of time right now. but i know i have to do all those stupid little things. it's been no time at all and already i'm a disaster. do you mind when i message that i miss you. is it an annoyance when you are trying to be alone.are you trying to be alone. two more days of work.*sigh* i don't mind it when i am there. but i hate going and i am always anxiousness to leave.
kylan might be getting a job there. as a delivery driver. i told him we needed people so we will see how that goes.
" fragile she doesn't she her beauty, she tries to get away. sometimes it's just that nothing seems worth saving, i wont let her slip away"
i will most likley have to work till 12 on the night of james' party. i have doubts if i should come. i probably will. i always tent to get upset when imiss out on things like that. thought i'm guessing everyone will be drunk and stoned by the time i arrive. which is never a fun situation i think.
i guess thats it, there isn;t much point of my rambling on for nothing. especially when i have things to do.
i hope you know i miss you

I've given into what's been given, Take a taste of what's within. You cast me over ,yet I've risen and I am real

i feel a little sickish. my stomach was bugging me for a chunk of the day. felt a little better after some food but not 100%. jill is on her way over... i hear her comming....
and.... there she is.

and now martha

if jill was a pink rabbit and martha was a beaver, martha would fuck jill in the ass

it tasted like heavan if heavan was made primaraly of meat

it;s like those cookies gave my tounge a flavor orgasm

wedding singer, yay. nice days for a white wedding.

went to the firehouse tonight it was fucken awesome. drinks sooo good, food sooo good, and an awesome decore. iam excited for tomorrow morning,

i love you so much
~lisa

Omega

What a skeletal wreck of a man this is
Translucent flesh and feeble bones
The kind of temple where the whores and villians try to tempt the holistic tones
Running rampant with free thought to free form the free and clear
And the matters at hand are shelled out like lint at a laundromat to sift and focus on the bigger, better, NOW
We all have a little sin that needs venting, virtues for the rending and laws and systems and stems ripped from the branches of office do you know what your post entails?
Do you serve a purpose or purposely serve?
Wind down inside your adivistic allure, the value of a summer spent and a winter earned
For the rest of us there is always sunday
The day of the week that reeks of rest but all we do is catch our breath so we can wade naked into the bloody pool and place our hand on the big black book
To watch the knives zigzag between our aching fingers
A vacation is a countdown
T minus your life and counting
Time to drag your tongue across the sugar cube and hope you get a taste
WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS FOR? (*background*WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?) SHUT UP!
I could go on and on but let's move on shall we?
Say, you're me and I'm you and they all watch the things we do and like a smack of spite they threw me down the stairs haven't felt like this in years the great magnet of malicious magnanimous refuse
Let me go and plunge me into the dead spot again
That's where you go when theres no one else around it's just you and there was never anyone to begin with now was there?
Sanctimonious pretentious dastardly bastards with their thumb on the pulse and a finger on the trigger
CLASSIFIED MY ASS THAT'S A FUCKING SECRET AND YOU KNOW IT!
Government is another way to say better, than, you!
It's like ice but no pick a murder charge that won't stick its like a whole other world where you can smell the food
But you can't touch the silverware
*laughs* What luck!
Facism you can vote for
*snorts* Isn't that sweet
And were all gonna die someday 'cause that's the american way and I've drunk too much and said too little when you're gaffer taped in the middle say a prayer save face get yourself together and (*sung in the background* SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING!) SHUT UP! (*background* FUCK YOU!) FUCK YOU!
I'm sorry I could go on and on but its time to move on so
Remember, your a wreck an accident
Forget the freak your just nature
Keep the gun oiled and the temple clean
Shit, snort and blaspheme let the heads cool and the engine run because in the end everything we do, is just everything we've done.

sooo fucking tired, if only i could have slept in till 9 I would have been happy. at first i thought i had the most part of today to myself. but then slowly and steadily i remembered things that i had to do, places that i had to be. and then my day was not mine anymore. i cannot wait to have you again to myself.even for the shortest time, i think that is one of the times that i am most happy. everything else is a glimpse of that. i like it when i can snatch your attention for a brief moment in a day. it reminds me. a kiss, a passing glance, the touch of your hand.. and if all i have to do is make an extra trip for a late night kiss, to remind me that you love me, that i love you then i can see no reason against it.*warn fuzzies and a little but of vomit* that all makes sense right now. i think it may be a long 5 days haha. sooo fucking tired. new windows.. thats right we are in the process of getting new windows, we have two so far! hopefully that means that we will have a) a warmer appartment b) ummmm stuff and.. well whatever but the outsides to our appaartment will be finished and stuff. bah i guess i better start my stupidly long day,
~lisa~
Remember, your a wreck ,an accident
Forget the freak... your just nature

" awe the little baby squirrl gone and smoked herself stupid"

i dont realize it very often, but i am beautiful. i had just gotten out of the shower and was putting lotion on, my skin is soft. my breasts are cute and perky. just the right size for me i think. hehe. my body is curvy. it was a nice revelation for me( not that i've never thought that before, but sometimes you forget. perhaps i should put lotion on more often.
my buns didn't turn out like grammy buns, i suppose it will take me a while to get the hang of it. still its disappointing. i'm pretty kewl ya know. baking stuff from scratch all the time. i dunno about anyone else but i think that is really fun and unique. especially for a person my age. haha i guess i am proud of it.. i dunno..
last night was fun.
sexy good times indeed. work was dead so i got to home at 8:30. spencer was having the boys over to play halo, which would not have been fun for me( video games are the devil... lisa gets cranky without her lovin) but anyways came home and invited jill over, i packed her a surprise. but after two hours i thought she was not coming.. so i smoked some of it. but then she showed up! with knitting. haah and we has some good times... and then martha came ove with for good times.oh sexy on a spoon jam. deliciouses toast. i can't wait for the video's. then martha and i had a sleep over in a blanket nest on my living room floor. mmm blankets.

yea that was it

i wonder what this week will be like... the past two seemed packed with stuff. hopefully this week i will have a little more room to breath.
excited for dinner tonight. i hope i look as beautiful as i feel, cuz thats always nice.
horay for turkey
~lisa~

update em

dududu
i am cold. blarg. sooo i have sexy back stuck in my head and it's driving me nutteres. also it seems my glasses have once again vanished into nothingness. i cannot find them in my appartment and they are not at my rents. i last remember having them at costco with jill. and then at the mall. martha and steph when i saw you was i wearing them??? i don;t remember taking them off.*cries* CURSE YOU BLACK WHOLE
so althought i lost my glasses i did have a fun time with jill yesterday. costco adventure = awesome. boourns to gross samples and horay for costco food.

i have just recently decided that i want to knit a blanket .. but i;m not sure how exactly.
work tonight. blarg. tomorrow.. more turkey!!! *DAnces to sexy back in head*.. noooooo

as for recent events, there is no point in me saying what has already been said. but i agree and think there will be many better times in the future as a result. dududu. sad i missed out the other night thought. it sounds like you had a good time. i wish i was there.
anyways i guess i'll be on my way.