sign your name on the dotted line...

Ah music... how i love you. i made a playlist of some older songs on my rents computer. There are so may good songs that i have forgotten about.
So as many of the rest of you, i am sick of the snow. well not so much the snow i love snow. but i am sick of being confined and the limitation that the snow brings. Right now i kinda can't be pleased. no activity cures my boredom. i can't think of anything that would make this aggravated feeling go away.. well that's a lie. it's work.. I want to have some work to do. i want to do something for a useful purpose. making some money from it wouldn't be so bad either. My mom has been nagging me to sign up for another course. right now i have three. right now instead of another course i would like to work. as nice as it has been not to work i want more structure and purpose in my life. i am not content as it is.
as a continuation of that thought i want to be good to myself again. at the beginning of this year i started kinda working out and eating better which felt super great. I basically gave that up when i started packing my apartment life up. for the months i was at my parents i lived frivilously and free. which was pretty awesome im not going to lie. but i want that self satisfaction back .
" here's to all those who know me all to well, here's to the night we felt alive, here's to the tears you knew you'd cry, here's to good bye, tomorrows going to come to soon" (mmm music)
when i get home i want to get back into my wonderful ways. i dunno . i want to figure what i really want and go to get it. as for right now my life as no drive because i don't know where i am going. i feel pretty well established in vic. i'm comfortable there. now what do i want.

sometimes i wonder if i am crazy. dur... no like actaully bi polar or have some kind of split in my personality or thinking. or maybe it;s just cuz i just never know. damn it.. i was shoveling snow earlier and i had so many good thoughts to type but now i don't remember any of them. Oh i guess what i was thinking was .. how i have a love hate relationsihp with myself. sometimes i think i am the kewlest person ever. but there are so many things that i hate.. which i do... so thus i hate myself for being like that... .

" someday this chalk outline will circle the city"

Sometimes i feel like i can never be satisfied. Like there is nothing that will keep my happy. i worry that i will be like this forever. jumping from one foot to the other with mu opinions of everything switching back and forth. I want to be content... but do i really. look at me know. i am going nuts. i have no purpose to drive me. i should be relaxing, enjoying holiday festivites. but i don't really care. i do enjoy spending time i with my family but i need my own devices, time, space. It's funny. As a child i never got homesick really. i would go to peoples houses.. or away on trips or camping .. but i never missed my home as much as i do right now i think. i spent my life living in these walls but they feel uncomfortable. i want to be free of them.

"if my heart could beat it would break my chest"

I'm going to type on this side for a change.. hehe hhe.. heheheh
Yay... i dunno why but i seems fun.. somoene posted a link about a string quartet that did a tribute to the mars volta. and it is awesome. go to youtube and check it outs.

Ok thats enough blogity blogity for me tonight ... apparently i'm going out. haha
see ya's

verse 1

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

you make my happy

when stuff and junk is grey. really icky grey

i hope you know dear

i fucken loves you

don't take my sunshine away

cuz i would be sad and stuff

so i just woke up not too long ago. and i realized something funny... or strange or whatever, i dozed off in my dream.  i was hanging around or doing some kinda of job with this group of people and i sat up kinda startled like i had just woken up and then there where some new people around me. i guess it wasn't anything spectacular but it was a weird sensation.  i've done that before... had dreams within dream. or have people in the dream tell me this is just a dream. very strange. But then again, my dreams have never been normal.

"sometimes sentences end with a period... but other times you can add to more dots and keep going"  hehehe this just popped into my head and i thought i was funny. 

i wish i had more things to write... but i donts : (

maybe later

I'll keep digging

fuck you snow.Sure your pretty but your a pain in the ass... or should I say fuck you miata... and your tiny inefficiency. it is what Thursday now? haha i'm surprised i can remember that seeing as i havent done anything of note in the past 4 days. haha i guess that just means no work. :P i've hung out with people went and got food and junk. but really not a whole lot. originally i was planning on comming back to victoria after this weekend. i figured i would be bored in nanaimo. but really i have nothing to do here. and i have a bunch of wonderful friends in nanaimo... so i guess i am staying.... not that i probably have a choice because of the stupid snow. really i'm bored of doing the same thing for 4 days. i need some new scenery, new attitudes and imaginations.
Nothing seems to satisfy. I don't want it. I just need it. To breath to feel to know I'm alive.

i am going to explode, i'm going to explode. i drive myself mad. mad, mad. i'm going to explode. pause. give me a moment. AAAAAHHHHHHHH. driven mad. If i had another foot i would kick myself. get straight. thoughts straight. get it straight. I wish i knew what i was doing, what i am, waht to be. An artist...
The wind is blowing blowing. so fearcefully it blows. haunting me. I dread tomorrow. i don't want what i have accepted. I'm sure i will survice. but it is the anticipation that really kills me.
i'm running. running farther away from myself.

mid. S ( instead of P.S.) i'm sure this sounds funny, but i'm just writting as i think...
breath in , breath out, breath in,..
Take me i am the drug, take me i am halucinogenic.
breath out...
life continues even when you are flat on your face. it passes you over as you stumble to get up... catch up. run away/ run away/ listen to the words that come to mind. try and understand to meanings, the reasonings.
Until the very end of me, until the very end of you...
mmmm head scratchy.... mmmmm mmm mmmm mmm
until the very end of me.
Bed time.

my body has been clamed, soul has been shipped away

what i tell you, more thinking. well this is certainly turning out to be quite the day. i see patterns emerging that i have seen before. hmm I understand this. part of me feels hurt, part of me see's some guilt fall away. Sometimes i hate myself, sometimes i am very proud of myself. i see strength in myself, that gets me though. at many times i say i have no logic, but at time like right now i try and let what little logic i have take over. i have to separate myself or else everthing i have falls apart. I'm beguinning to see patterns, it;s becoming exhausting.

about half an hour ago i returned home after a walk to london drugs. it is crisp and sunny out. i went to the dollar store and london drugs for some key gift pieces. got a caramel machiato from Sbucks and walked the path home listening to my music.two bags, a coffee and a roll of gift wrap under my arm. For about the span of a minute, with the sun filtering onto my face through the trees and the warm flavour of my drink turning in my mouth. I was undeniably happy.
for a moment i was panicked.I thought something terrible had happened. The response was much better than that i dreaded. i think about what this means.hmmm

" Don't wake me up, i am still dreaming, the stories undone, unravel at the seams. Don't wake me up death is misleading, when i fall asleep, sleep with a ghost"

thoughts galore, think and think and think some more...

Why is it that whenever you have the opportunity to sleep in you wake up early. This almost always happens to me. Today for example... i have nothing that i HAVE to do. No pressing matters, assignments, work. Thats all done. today i can do whatever i feel. i wanted to sleep in.... Lame. hahahaha i guess it's still pretty sweet to have a full day off. i will accomplish many small tasks i think.
sometimes i hate the way i am. i always feel differently about things at different times. for example substance. when i first wake up in the morning i almost always have thoughts of guilt. "oh i've eaten to much , drank to much ,, whatever to much. i sometimes make a decision to mend my ways. but as one or a few hours pass my entire perception changes and i'm right back on the edge with all my little friends. My vices.
Last night was a great time. Let me start by taking you back to my Wednesday. I started working at the theatre at 12. Worked cleaning up for 2.5 hours then I treated Amanda to a Beer and some food at the pub. I text dustin at the pub saying we should get some beer tonight. However leaving for home on the bus, a beer and chicken strips in my belly, i start to feel a bit sleepy. Get home, have a bath. I wonder what i will do tonight. i still feel tired and unmotivated.
I go an visit with dustin. we chat about many things and agree that we should go to the liquor store. i purchase a 6 pack and dustin gets beer and wine. We return home and find that kyle had returned as well. The house is lit with chistmas lights and none others. We invite kyle for beer and then spent the next hours sitting around the kitchen table, in the soft warm glow of chistmas lights and talk about everythign and anything under the sun. Not getting wasted, but merrily enjoying each others company and conversation. there where many cheers to the moments present and passed. It was a night worth living for. thanks boys.
why is it that i never know what i am doing. i feel like spend a lot of my life just floating through motions. feeling things as i pass but never being able to touch anything solid because its all floating by to fast. It's like i'm walking down the centre of a fuzzy pinky purple tube. and in the pink purple fuzziness of the wall of this tube of my life are moving pictures of the people i know... of all the different facets of my life. school, work , family, home, friends, love, all these things i can somehow step into the picture and exist in that place for a while. but eventually i get sucked back into that tube. part of me forgets the time i have spent there, part of me remembers and yet at the same time i am distracted once again by the pink and purple fuzzy wall passing me and all it's little moving pictures.
I like wearing pink eye shadow. I think it's my color of choice. not saying that i always wear it. but i feel the happiest when i put it on. like i'm super excited. i'm kinda envious of all you that are able to pull off crazy colors like ,crazy green or orange, or dark blue or purple. i have pink though. i like pink.
hmmm i think those are all the thoughts for now.... but i have the whole day to be free and think... and it isn't even 11 yet.

"i'm gonna miss those eyes"

today i worked at the theatre for a while. After that i came home and proceeded to decorate my house. I was a great success. I am sitting at my kitchen table staring at my cute little chistmas tree. With it's found and hand painted ornaments . I'm eating a delicious meal that i took a fair while to cook. sooo good. i baked cookies before making . my day was productive and i am sitting enjoying the results of my labors. and it feels good....

come with us and you will see....

It's a world of wonders.... i don't think that has anything to do with what i am about to say but, it just popped into my head so i said it anyways. I was face book creeping and i noticed another person that i knew in high school just had a baby... at least he is a year older. my god younger people than me having babies.... blows my mind. i have always wanted to have children. I think that i will be a wonderful mother. probably equally crazy( in the nicest way possible) as my own. i know i will talk to the cats.. and say things that don't make sense, cuz really i do that now. but it's ok cuz i don't have any offspring to embarrass. i worry about my children already. i worry what kind of world they will grow up in. we grew up in an amazing time. it was like the birth of super technology. computeres and the internet , instant global comunication, cell phones, all came into everyday life in the first part of our lives. because of this we look at it in a certain way. we remember what it was like without it. but our children... it will be common place. i don't want practicallyity to be lost on my children.. i want them to know nature and everything there is other than technology. i want them to be confident but humble... make good decision about life. my parents where never particularally strict, but i feel that i still made good decicions about things like drugs... or sex. i never rushed into anything , i always did what felt right. im not saying that anyone who got into that earlier was wrong to do so, but i'm happy with myself that i took my time to think about it before jumping right in.... that something i want my children to do ... i don't want my children to loose their innocense before they hit the double digets. kids are getting crazier younger... that scares me a little. i dunno, is it funny that i'm not so much worried about the cost of raising a child( which still plays on my mind) but more i am worried that they will turn out alright. i dunno
sometimes i think one of my biggest faults is caring to much. i'm not saying it's a bad thing really. It's always been my habbit to put others before myself. I guess i am still working on it. i don't really know where i am going with this... but it was just a thought that occured to me. Do i really care to much... ? what is it about me that makes me want to take care of people? that wants them to be well? mothering instinct perhaps...

I'd like to appologize now for all the spelling and gramatical errors in this post... my brother just came in and hit me with a sock because i haven't been capitalizing my I's . i told him that i am typing my mind and grammer doesn't live there.

anyways nights.