I don't want you to expect anything from me....

It looks to be time for an update. first lets start with todays plan
~ exercise and eat something
~shower and dress
~ do dishes
~make deliciouse sponge cake
~do those dishes
~ go to the college and do junk and stuff
~ do kids fest planning junk
~clean up appt?
~ go for a walk ?
~ go for dinner at rents
~ work

it seems that many things have happened since my last post. indeed they have ... like crazy lady down stairs and the party at gabe. going to see harold and kumar. hearing from uvic... and then all the random adventures in between. the only think that would make it all better, well perhaps not the only thing, would be if it was hot. i long for the warm nights and i know you all do to.
i had a strange dream last night, as i often do. and within it i faced one of my general life issues. i know tim jokes about me having a curse but i don't think he really gets it's true. this "curse" combined with my "semi-selfish freestyle attitude' as of late has presented me with the same issue that arises in the past. boys infatuated with me, they think they really like me but in fact don't know the whole of me. they just see the cute and not the crazy. so anyways i figured telling said people straight up that i was not particularly interested in anyone else. only myself.. at least right now. that i was just doing whatever.. in fact I've mentioned it several times
but i still get the general feeling that i am being a big ass bitch for messing with boys heads. even thought i stated my intentions. are you so attached after a few kisses, one a few of which where when i was sober. two boys on different sides of my world. both very sweet and funny boys. both of whom i explained to that" i am confused and selfish and not ready for anything" but i still see their hope, and i know i will be the bitch when i turn them down or whatever happens right. it seems like a double standard to me. I have been lead on and ditched at the drop of a hat before. i know what it;s like. this is nothing like that. i let everyone know what was in my head, what i am up to. but it seems like i'm not being heard so well. it is just me or do guys get less flack for being a tease or a flirt..? and i ask what the fuck.
In the end i don't want to hurt these boys, because they are sweethearts however i don't think they have much basis for complaint since i told them what was up and like i said really it was just some kissing and cuddling. i'm not writting them off, people just shouldn't expect anything from me right now. it's summer, i'm single and for once trying to do what i want to do.( at least within reason and excluding boys that have a disposition to become infatuated)

I know you well. you are a part of me.

soooo raise your hand if you had a lot of fun yesterday?* raises hand*
hight lights of the day
- bowling
- cupcakes and cake
- double round with mr black in a minute
- roast dinner..minus the very this gravy * lisa dropping ball*
- visiting hawaii
- lazer tag!
-south park... towlie

and now for a little break from that to give my brain cells a fighting chance.
i am finally officially finished school for the summer. horray. now it's just work and work and good times. waiting for the good weather.

i wonder. do you ever thing about yourself and see how well you actually know yourself. i dunno about you but i am constantly surprised at how different i am than how i thought i would be. it's not a bad different, in fact i think i like it. at least for now anyways. moment of clarity are a nice change from the fog.

dududu lisa = bored.. waiting for work
can't wait fro pictures from yesterday eeee
fare well

All you know is when I'm with you, I make you free, and swim through your veins like a fish in the sea.

Note: something important that i left out of my last post.... we played the bean game.

hehe
today i am free. i do not have to work or go to meetings or anything. i have tentative plans that i will keep tentative in my head. no sense setting myself up.
i am not sure what today will be like. dududu made myself a new set of yoga poses to do today. i was getting bored of the other ones. did my exercises and junk and got myself ready for the day. now i am just waiting for things to happen.

last night tasia and i went to walmart, and while walking to and from our cars we had the sense that it was summer. the temperature was a bit off but it was starting to get that feeling and that made me very excited.

anyways i really have nothing to say. i suppose i will go do something productive.

"And if you, Want to leave I can guarantee You won't find nobody else like me"

Can I ever hope to capture the horror and the rapture?

soooo jill threatened to track me down and kill me with a tooth pick if i did not update...
but really that is a lie. she did want me to update.. but not the tooth pick junk.. anyways

soooo... yesterday i wake up ... 8 somethign... i think to myself" fuck this i'm not getting up" so i go back to sleep and end up waking up at 12 something. i decided i should probably get up. so i do , clean , then i decide that i am going to go to victoria to visit some crazy kids i know. talk to tasia.. she is on board.. so 230 ish we head down there. ... long story short. josh goes to work, leaving me tasia, kyle, dustin , ryan and ben to our own devices... first we go for some beer... then we decide to move the pool table from the garage to the living room... 2 and a half hours later we successfully manage to get the pool table into the hallway get it stuck ,, get it unstuck... crack a leg.. dent some walls put a hole in the roof.. get it stuck.. get it unstuck.. and then finally get it back out the front door to put it back in the garage. i think it would have worked ... if only we had taken the legs of.... or maybe hooked twisted.. hook, or maybe twist , twist hook lift... hahahahahhahaha

anyways it was fun . i drew a pic of it. then we played some beans and josh came home and we played a rousing game of what. hehe . it was a fun night.. this morning was not so fun.. i was a little hung. and had to get up and come back to nanaimo and go to work... which was kinda boring . but at least i am not at work right now and that is pretty awesome... in fact so awesome that i am going to celebrate by having a bath...

perhaps i will post something more interesting later.

subliminal rambling

sometimes i wonder how great a fool i really am ... why is it that i take the advice of other people in some instances and then not in other. why do i not listen to my own self. more than ever now i feel like i fool. mostly for wanting what i could have had all along, however that is a futile wish now is it now. i wish i could be the person i am now, in the past, perhaps then i would stand up for what i thought i deserved. instead of accepting what was being given to me. what would have happened if i would have fought. what would my life be life. perhaps happier than it is now. who knows. perhaps things would have gone badly anyways. why is it that i have chose to appease my friends opinions other than my own. why did i chose that moment to stand up for myself. i had been walked over before and am sure that it will happen again . indeed i must be a great fool. or some kind of trickster.
sometimes it feels like people are just playing a game with me. like i am not let in on the full picture. this is not a new notion for me.. for a while it had vanished. however it has returned. it makes me feel like i am annoying to be around. perhaps i am .. thus i do not blame the world for not wanting me around. i annoy myself ..even now i am unsettled and trying to contemplate thing thing that i call my mind.. my thought process.. it is never straight , it wavers from one side to the next as waves on the ocean . fuck me.
if only ha.. perhaps i would let go of a little frustration. tonight has been an odd night,
if only i where able to explain the feeling that had come over me .. i might be able to explain my unsettled state now and the thought that i am pouring oto this page.
i was working on my essay .. i took a break to take a bath and read some of a play. when i got out i read a while longer then .. i was over come by this strange feeling ... i like could not contain myself i felt trapped and alone. uneasy.. and pretty much like i was going crazy. i do not recall ever feeling like that again . it was unsettling. i excersized hoping that my exertion would releave my state. it did not. i came to the computer to find some outlet. i talked to josh and kyle who are sweet in their ways and did help to calm me ... however i am still in a frantic state.
i wish i could run into the night , however i fear for my safetly.. thought i wonder why should i care... i am unhappy now as i am what if it where to change Ha i said... but my mind hold to many contradictions to know what i really mean. kill me now and i might never get the change to feel the way your lips press against mine. the way i feel whole when you are near. me .. listen to this garbange.. why did i know what i wanted when it could have been . do you hear me now.. i am i here now. .. or am i just rambling like the lunatic i have become... perhaps i have lost part of my sanity... it would not come as a shock to me... days in days out.. going through motions that i do not wish to go through .everything i want seems so far away at the moment. do not judge me for my hearts desires. you few with the judgeing eye to presume what it is that is best. who was it that tried to influence my life so?? how do you know better than the people who are in love. who are you to tell people what to do . and so what am i to think . do the devils hold my hand that stabbed me in the back? i wonder why . why why. have things become to be the way they are.. and will they ever be righted again . or is now what shall be . is it true that one day you will find me. love me one again? i truely hope for i am certain i shall never stop for you. perhaps i am a fool indeed.a fool who had a heart to love...

essay what essay..?

i am so exausted. it is strange i don;t normally feel this way when i am sick. it sucks balls. so i should be doing my essay but i really just can;t concentrate. i think i will curl up on the couch and .. i dunno. i don't even really feel sleepy just completely exausted. anyways..
i wanted to write a new blog... but i think it will be hella crappy. i am going to savage for food then lay around and do nothing. i wish someone would take care of me. that is probably the nicest thing ever when you are not feeling well. *kicks self*

camping this weekend
2 more classes to go. yay.

farewell

i went to bed early last night ...

i had a dream that i was happy, then i woke up and it was a lie. i lay in bed thinking about the things that need to be done, the motions i have to go through today, the rest of this week, for months. i have things to think about, be excited about but really i know myself better. i know the sickness that ails me, it's cure cannot be bought.

i have decided that i don't really like going out, i have had many bad experiences doing so. Last night at the dinner for the teachers i had an alright time. tired to make myself feel better by dressing pretty. didn't really work. it was nice to treat the teachers though, it seems they really enjoyed it. the tiny beers i had where nice too.
goals for now...
save money to pay people back..
finish assignments and school junk.
h-core body / be healthy
find something that makes me happy
clean room

wish i could go back to bed...