mad season - matchbox 20

future thoughts and a depressing denument

68 Thingies! from martha

1. Single or Taken - Single
2. Zodiac sign - pices
3. Birthday - march 3rd
4. Male or Female - fem ale
5. Preschool- some church basement i think
6. Elementary - rutherford
7. Middle - negative does not compute
8. High School -Dover
9. Eye color- grey blue
10. Hair color - brown... but spicey red
Are you a health freak? ahahahahahhah no.
12. Height - 5'4" :)
13. Do you love someone - yes indeed
14. Is that someone in your school - yes
15. Piercings you have - ear lobes and a rook
16. Righty or lefty - righty

FIRSTS :
17. First piercing- my ears
18. First sport - fastball
19. First pet - misty my grey kitty
20. First vacation - does camping count ?
21. First crush - my first hard core crush was levi in grade 5
22. First love - james
23. First boyfriend/girlfriend- well there was shane.... but i'm gonna have to say james

CURRENTLY :
24. Eating - nothing
25. Drinking- apple juice box
26. Listening to - nothing
27. Wanting to see/speak to - josh and kyle or spencer

YOUR FUTURE:
28. Want kids - yes
29. Want to get married - Yes, eventually...
30. Job - an artist
31. Where will you live - anywhere

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
32. Lips or eyes- Eyes.
33. Looks or personality- Personality, when you like someone for who they are they become more attractive to you anyways
34. Athletic or lazy - i don't think those two work as a contrast...
35. Intelligence or attraction? Attraction i guess but i think its hot when a guy knows alot about something.. but isn't pompus about telling you
36. Romantic or spontaneous- both
37. Body or mind?-mind
38. Tall or short- Tall and skinny
39. Shy or outgoing- outgoing.
40. Older or Younger? - doesn't matter

HAVE YOU EVER :
41. Kissed a stranger- i don;t think so
42. Lost glasses/contacts - yes...*sigh*
43. Ran away from home - noop
44. Broken any bones- my collar bone
45. Broken someone's heart - yes
46. Been arrested- Negative
47. Cried when someone died - yes
48. Liked a friend - yea
49. Been cheated on - not to my knowledge
50. Seen porn- gay for pay!
51. Snuck out - no ,
52. Been called a slut- not to my face, so i dunno
53. Got in a fist fight - no, but i think it would be fun
54. Shoplifted- kinda

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
55. Yourself - most of the time, sometimes i'm not so sure
56. Miracles- not really
57. Love at first sight - no
58. Santa Claus - nope.
59. sex on the first date - i don;t think so ..
60. Kissing on the first date - yea
61. Angels - no
62. God - not specifically,
63. Gay Marriage - yea
64. Abortion - a womans body is her own
65. Barack Obama - i feel dumb cuz i don't know who this is

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY : (isnt that what I've been doing?)
66. Is there anyone you would really like to be with right now? yes.
67. Have you really liked someone that you shouldn't have? hahaha yes
68. Have more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? Negative

thats was a nice warm up, i like surveys, but you cant do the all the time cuz it;s just the same questions over again. they are fun because sometimes you get to say things about your life where you would not normally get to say. i dunno.
it was weird today. i was at work and it randomly occured to me that one day, someone is going to want to spend the rest of their life with me. i found that though very assuring. i thought about myself, i am beautiful, pleasant kind, kinda funny, i am talented. ext ext. i am many amiable qualities and one day some one will realize and love all that and stuff... i dunno, i guess i didn;t get that far on the thought train, but whatever it gave me something nice to think about while i was cleaning.. and then i thought what kind of man will i end up with? i have no clue, i really could not think.. i guess thats good though.. too many women have their ideal man and they miss one that might not fit perfectly into their plan... but w.e i dunno
ha ha i did alot of thinking today. and got two things out of the way, what an efficiant day.

anyways i also pondered as i drove, about how unfortunate this has been. the end to what was an amazing exciting thing, was merely a fizzleing out. as my mind likes to see it. no big drama , no passion, just meh, and it's almost as if there was never anything there. except ya know that love i find myself repressing, but it doesn't really matter i don;t think.
i think my biggest uneasyness is that although i do, at the same time i dont understand.. why. not that it matters now anyways.

i am getting quite sleepy, today was an exausting day, as with the next few be as well. next week will be no different. why is it i have been waiting for things to be over, i want somethign to start.
oh well oh well, one day things will be set in a way. i am looking forward to that life. i do not think i am much for this atm. who knows.
i am excited for your visit , i am excited for mine.

sometimes i want to fucking scream

was it so bad? that everyone else saw but me. did you treat me like shit and i just didn't notice, are you just trying to make me feel better.
why do you say it's for the best? do you know something i don't.
i want to hit the wall until one of us bleeds. that is my urge right now. but i won't do it because in my head i know it;s fucking stupid. and now i;m fucking crying cuz i don;t know what to do with myself. i want to run away. to forget all about my life right now. forget because i don;t understand why things happened the way they did. was i just a blind fool. how long did you humor me to make me happy. congrats it fucking worked.. but i'm sure you knew it would. go along and have you party, i'll watch from the sideline till i get up enough fucking guts to leave.
it must have been true. cuz you do all the same shit now, exept you just arnt there to pick up the pieces all the time.


... i just don't want to feel like this anymore. i have your picture. should i just put it away? not see you not talk to you? would that help or make it worse. but your the only one who knows. who knows how this feels right now. i guess it doesn;t matter i already feel alone. almost all the time. i know the rest of you will say you are there and i know you mean to be, but nothing you can say can help. i need what none of you can give.

go a head and have your party, i'll stay here until have the will power to leave. don't worry, you won't miss me when i;m gone, you might not even notice.

my Christmas wish list

i want to be curled in someones arms right now. i don't care which per se, just some good, male(sorry tasia*winkwink*)arms.
i want to feel wanted and appreciated.
i want to be able to give myself to someone. someone who will give themselves back.
i want to be kissed like i remember kissing someone used to be like
i want to go for a walk at night time and maybe getting lost
i want to be able to sleep next to someone. to wake up and cuddle.
i want butterflies
i want to be taken out on a date, to be treated special
i want to be told i;m beautiful and feel like i really am.
i want to be wanted, lusted after, and maybe to lust back. a girl has got needs that need for fillin'
i want to cuddle
to feel stable and safe
i want someone to notice and enjoy that my skin is soft.
someone to laugh at my horrible jokes, to think i am fun and quirky
i want someone who calls me to see what i am up to, who wants to see me
i want my evil, my smurf, my sir, my barnacle, my goth, my cupcake, my mr who the fuck knows , my knight in any kind of armor to find me.
i want what i cannot have and will not have for what seems quite a while.
i want to be ok with that

" i don't want a lot for Christmas , there is just one thing i need, i don't care about the presents, underneath the Christmas tree.. "
... and to all a good night

why certainly , what's certain

i'm not really sure of much at the moment. it seems that there are too many variables floating in the air. or perhaps its just cuz i am a little foggy today. thought i am sure tomorrow will hold no mighty answers. how can you be sure exactly how you feel about something when it always seems to be different or flip back and forth depending where you are . or what you are doing. i always seem to have something in mind but something will come up that changes that. is it like that for everyone or am i just horribly indecisive. i know i suck at making decisions, but this almost goes past that. how do you know what you really really feel???
today was a bad/good/ mediocre day. curse you print making. whatever i'm all caught up and i only have one project left. np.
i wish i had a stable life, ha good luck with workin in theatre, i have no desire to be on the edge or go out and be crazy. i like to stay in and have a good time with the people that matter to me..
does that make me lame. i know i don;t like to try things, but does the fact that i have simple pleasues bring down my kewl marks as well?
bad lisa brain, stay on one topic....
one day i will understand where this is all going, right now there is no use fighting. one day life will turn out in my favor. something, someone will be there with me.

to think i went all the way to the school after work to get my computer because i wasn't tired... and now i am .. pft,
good night my love.
~lisa~

so many blogs latley

but i guess i have a lot on my mind. i looks like i will be spending tonight alone again. *sigh* st least tomorrow will be different.
ok so i am pretty sore in some spots from basket ball yesterday, like my arms a bit, my sternum, and the spot where spencer kneed me in the ovaries. i guess it was all worth it because it was pretty fun.
today, just did some work op stuff, yay future money. then i sat around with kylan, not doing my art project, and then i came home and cleaned my balcony, and some of my house, someone has got to do it. decorated a bit, then jill and tasia and i when on a costco adventure. there where so many wonderful things there. tasia definatly did not buy 2lbs of truffles ahahaha ...
and then to walmart where we met a lisa m, i baught some christmas lights, yay festiveness. then to work which was lame and slow. o well , at least i don;t hate it.. and .. and i get saturday and sunday off. which is sweet, but now i just realize i dunno what i will do.. hmm i'll figure somethign out.. perhaps i will knit... which is kinda what i wanna do now cuz i wanns finish my rents present before christmas but i am le tired....
so i will probably sit around a bit then off to bed.
so good night ,
see ya
~lisa~
in my heart i always hope, but my head knows i will get nothing in return

maybe be i wanted me to be nothing special

so tired right now.
today while i was waiting i got restless. it was a very frustrating / angry day for me i am not sure exactly why. it just started that way and continued. anyways i was getting annoyed that nothing could keep me entertained, so i went out, i wasn't quite sure where i was going. it was raining so hard, i love it when it is like that. i would have walked around outside if i had felt safe doing it alone. i ended up getting a coffee and driving to departure bay beach. i sat in my . my car a while listening to the waves and rain. i resolved to stop feeling sad, even if i have to feel nothing for a little while. i hate crying all the time. i sat there a while.. until i got restless once again and just started driving. where ever , it didn;t matter as long as i was going somewhere. i thought about josh, he offered that i move out with them next year to victoria, if i could go anywhere that is where i would be able to go. the thought will remain with me i think,. but i do not thing that i am ready just yet,we will see i know you want me to go, so you can get on with you life and i with mine. but even without you i am not ready. sorry to dissapoint
swimming was very fin tonight. i really love swimming. my dad used to take us all the time, i hope i get to come again. i apologize if i was rather rough at basketball. i think that it was a combination of my natural competative nature and some extra energy i needed to get rid of. i'm sorry if i was mean, it's really just a front. i just don't wanna be sad anymore...

why does this weekend seem like it will be really lonley.arg enough. fuck fuck fuck enough

tonight i will sleep with your heart in my hands...
and it will keep me safe and loved through the night

why are we made to put up with this. i just don't wanna do it , not right now, not any of it. i don't want a job, i don't want to go to school, i don't want any of it... i don't know what i want. i feel so vulnerable. i want to collapse and watch the world rush by me. i want to be caught. i want to be safe. i won't be caught. i don't want this. i want to feel something other than i what i feel right now.
i have so many questions, but i doubt i will get answers.
i don't want to deal with any of this thing called life.
yes i'm aware i;m probably being over dramatic. but thats how i feel, so go a head and think what you like and i will feel my shitty feelings and we can both go on our ways.
i think i'll sit a while
i need to collect myself, the part i still have, it;s falling to pieces can;t you see, of course you can't. no one can.part of me has dissapeared. i don't know when i lost it or how but apparent;y i am not to blame. what is to blame.

i think i'll sit a while ,
i need to be put back together

sad, hurt, lonley, confussed, unattactive, unwanted, betrayed, cast asside, ugly, worthless, unmotivated confused, lonley, unwanted, sad, hurt, confused lonley, confused lonely hurt sad, sad , confused unwanted, sad, lonley sad, sad sad sad sad

alone

i'm not taking this so well anymore. loneliness and confession have set in. i've been sleeping dreaming on the couch until now. dreaming stupid dreams thats my mind makes up. i know they are not reality. but i can't get you to take away my poison thoughts anymore. they seed in my mind and grow like weeds. they fight reality.
i feel kinda lost, terribly unmotivated, confused. i keep thinking what i could have done to help you be happy. the worst part is this is only partial realization. there is a part of my that imagines this is only for a short while. that within a month or two this will all be but a bad dream. but you asked me not to take you back. how can i possibly begin to fulfill that request when all i want is you back. but at the same time i want you to be happy for the long run.
i want to curl into a ball and cry. but i know it will not help. there isn't anything i can do. i am helpless. it feels like i have been alone forever, it seems like so long since i have seen someone.
i want to come to you. to make sure i;m still here. but i can't ... can i. i don't know what i can do.
i don't want to be alone. but i'm afraid that if i see anyone i will just start crying.. i hate crying in front of people. i'm even more afraid of school. i think that i will only be able to block out the truth for so long before i break down. fuck it's not like it matters anyways. nothing seems to matter atm.

comfortably numb

a state of shock. limbo.
this will probably hurt more tomorrow.and twice as much the next day. right now i understand. i am calm, tired, sedated. i understand. i'm dreading the time when the loneliness sets in. when i won't understand anymore. we are funny creatures you and i... i think we always have been.
i hope so much that you find what you need. i hope you find what i could not. at lease i have comfort in knowing i let you do what you needed, i love you enough to know i might not be the best thing for you. there is a hope that one day we will find each other a new ...
i concede. there is no more worrying as to when this time will come because it has passed. my nerves are set free. though it seems a part of me is missing, i will endure. because thats all i can do

the farther I fall I'm beside you
as lost as I get I will find you
the deeper the wound I'm inside you
for ever and ever I'm a part of

no matter what, i'll love you for the rest of my life
goodnight, tomorrow will be a very different day.

warm fuzzies and two pink dicks

you know what i've decided. that we as a group are really caring... like i know be talk about each other and are mean sometimes.. but we don;t really mean it. take the party last night, thank you james you are awesome btw, there where lots of little spills and hick ups and way to drunkenness, but evryhting is all good. becuase no matter how fucked up we are we are still looking out for each other. we help each other to the bath room when they are sick, and come and check up, we help clean up spills and any unfortunate events. and just look out after each other. last night was a spilly night. i think every one would agree. any like every time it happened like three people would rush to find tissue or paper towle.

i dunno about everyone else but i had a really good time last night. here are some things that i remember
- ditching the girls meeting then having a stomp session to combat the one downstairs with eryn and maddy.
- cock fighting with tom heheh
- dancing to no music with crowded
- becky and alex
- sitting on the stairs with Karly and alex
- attacking rick with a dildo
-wandering in circles around james main floor, floating an visiting
there are more but they do not currently come to mind.
but anyways see you all tonight, i'm off
lovelove love