i'm not taking this so well anymore. loneliness and confession have set in. i've been sleeping dreaming on the couch until now. dreaming stupid dreams thats my mind makes up. i know they are not reality. but i can't get you to take away my poison thoughts anymore. they seed in my mind and grow like weeds. they fight reality.
i feel kinda lost, terribly unmotivated, confused. i keep thinking what i could have done to help you be happy. the worst part is this is only partial realization. there is a part of my that imagines this is only for a short while. that within a month or two this will all be but a bad dream. but you asked me not to take you back. how can i possibly begin to fulfill that request when all i want is you back. but at the same time i want you to be happy for the long run.
i want to curl into a ball and cry. but i know it will not help. there isn't anything i can do. i am helpless. it feels like i have been alone forever, it seems like so long since i have seen someone.
i want to come to you. to make sure i;m still here. but i can't ... can i. i don't know what i can do.
i don't want to be alone. but i'm afraid that if i see anyone i will just start crying.. i hate crying in front of people. i'm even more afraid of school. i think that i will only be able to block out the truth for so long before i break down. fuck it's not like it matters anyways. nothing seems to matter atm.