right now i feel like garbage.. haha it always happens in the mornings generally. i wake up and realize i have to work the next three days, or my house is an absolute disaster because we made food and were to lazy to clean. i have to do a project i put off until now. i have a few hrs to do it , but that doesn;t make me feel motivated for it.
i kinda feel trapped right now. like bits of my world that where open before are caving in. it may sound dumb but i don't feel i can participate in activities with everyone. everyone is laughing and being happy and having a merry old time and i'm left hiding in the bathroom. if i didn't have those few people who actually come to see me and ask me what i am up to , i would be alone. it sounds stupid thinking it, but i feel ostracized from happy times. i can;t go hang out with everyone, because of where they are. it may be dumb but its really hard for me to go some places, because of what it reminds me of. goodbye many social gatherings. are people going to have to choose between appartment and basement suit? i hope i can get over whatever i need to because i know what the majority would choose.
yesterday i was in the booth with tim, i mentioned it would be kewl to go and see a some live jazz. tim said that a group was going out to the queens to next week and that i should go. but as much as i would enjoy the experience i feel that i am unwelcome. not that anyone has openly stated that, it;s that, i really feel i don;t belong. people will let me tag along, but no one wants to be a tag along. especially when it;s with your ex boyfriend.. and his new girl friend.
on that note it feels like a stale mate for me. i don;t know if this feeling, this situation is ever going to get better for me. i am surrounded. there is no running away right now. i'm stuck.
i can't wait till i can escape. aug the next few days feel so depressing. fuck why did i write this. now i really really have no motivation to work.
to you guys that really care for me, if i am getting through anything at all... it;s because of you. i hope i am not just being unreasonable. it doesn;t feel that way. i'm sorry if i am a no fun bum. but this isn't easy for me, it hurts like a bitch
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4 comments:
don't be silly, lisa. you aren't unwelcome.
and don't not go to something you would enjoy because you think you don't belong. you only don't belong as much as you let yourself feel and be that way.
what day is the jazz at the queens?? i'm not working at all next week.
I so know what you mean about feeling left out.
I wish I could come over more... only a few more weeks!!!
Stay tough!
I love you.
that jazz is on tuesday from 8-10 there is no cover and its done by malu students. they are actually pretty good. Lisa, i think you should come. its nice to do something different, something not theatre related. I think it will be me brainna(we went last week) and we invited tim, rick, and spencer to join us this week. Tasia, you should come as well....we will all drink scotch and smoke cigars...well, actually not a fan of the scotch, and cigars have to be smoked outside but.... meh you undersatnd
<3 <3 <3
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