One acts and snow

today, i gave it to myself. enough said. i think i am a bit better because of it, well at least for now. i got myself all hot to go to the one acts. that made me feel pretty good. the one acts where good. i quite enjoyed the shows. not so much the overlaid one.. but just because i would have liked to see another comedy. after words spencer and i went to rent a movie and i baught some crustinies and milk.. an excellent combo i know. hehe. i didn;t have them together though .:P anyways then we came back to spencer and watched .... STAR DUST.. hehe which i actaully watched last night but decided that i loved.. hehe . because it is cheesy and fantasy, and lovey..and funny.. and bad.. all wrapped into one which i love.. so i am going ot buy it. it will be wonderful. and there is where the snow part comes it.. well the 2 cm of snow that fell was enough to screw my car over. it really does not like weather. it is currenty still snowing... we will see what happens tomorrow. i am suposed to work... but if i cannot get there.. then.. eh... also we will see if there is school. if not. party at my house... WHAT? what .? .. beans? movies... cupcakes good times.. but we will see .. you can never tell with this snow stuff it is very tricky.

anyways good job on the one acts everyone involved. until later.. today... since it is like 230.. heh ..

i hate...

feeling nothing at all. knowing that if something needs to be done i have to do it because no one else will. high matinance people. giving so much of myself to people and feeling little in return. when my kind gestures go un-noticed. lack of motivation. that i i do not know where i stand with you. being a third wheel. wanting to cry half the time. that you arn;t yourself, or i don;t know who you are. thinking so much. not knowing what i want, or need to feel better. FUCKING TIME. that you are being manipulated. that your the only thing that makes me feel better right now. feeling un attractive. letting my friends down. dirty dishes. being unrational. my responsibilities. that i have not been able to overcome this yet. ranting like this because even if it isn't annoying you yet , it;s sure annoying me. myself and my life at this time...fuck it

good intentions

I just don't have the motivation, the inspiration of though. i hate that i feel like junk and can't be positive. i sat down to write out this stupid stuff but i can;t concentrate. there is a crink in my neck. it hurts. i'm doing pretty good keeping up with the things i need to do. that has taken my stress away. i really don;t get why i am still unhappy when many things are good. it;s not like i am activily dwelling on things. i just get these blahs, a little bit in my stomach that isn;t right, that stings.. and then it just gets worse. i thought i was doing pretty good. i want to be doing good. i will be good i will be good i will be good... someday.

if i'm not being useful i might as well read my book. at least it will keep my mind occupied..
take me with you cuz i'm lonely

can i be electric too?

blah. it is sunday. work tonight. i should be working on my model of the set. but that means i have to go to the school and get a model of the theatre which i don't particularly want to do. i am very tired, exaused you could say. it feels like i am fighting something. i am not certain of what. it's just like there are a bunch of external forces pushing on me. i don;t know how i manage sometimes. it always seems like there is so much to do. work, theatre work, assignments, applications, set design, printmaking, life. pft. i know i shouldn;t but i want to do nothing today. we will see.

looking back. thursday hung out with tasia. hehe yay james macavoy(spelling) then friday the fucking workers where hammering at fucking 8... they are useless. augh... i'm not going to get into it.. but i hate them. got up cleaned my apartment. went to work. went to eryns and got way to messed up, curse you wine. saturday went to work at the theatre, *sigh* disorganization. thats another thing.. i am going to have to prepair shit so that the silly people renting the theatre get what needs to get done in their next rehearsal, becuase i can;t stay late. i have to go to work directly after. *sigh* then to work. which was horrible. i wasn't feeling particularly well from the previous night. i was very clumsy, and a little creeped out. i had this dream where one of my co workers acted very inappropriately and it basically just freaked me right out. because all the things he normally does, talking to me and making silly comment which i normally think nothing of, just seemed way weird. like offering me beer? " i seem like the kinda girl"wtf is that supposed to mean?! anyways i will be fine. it was just another stress that i don't need though.
apres work i went to visit spencer. he told me of the shenanigans of citt, which i am so jealous and sad that i missed. *cries*

i am not looking forward to this week, but am excited for it to be over. it seems so far away. why can't i just skip all the junk in between. this time i will not forget the bean game. or What?
i want to paint. but i know i will feel guilty about doing it. in fact i feel kinda bad now for not having started anything. i think i just feel crappy actually. sometimes i just want to give up, and forget about all the things i have to do. but i totally know that isn't an option.
"no peace i find, just an old sweet song, keeps georga on my mind."
Bah, sunday

you bleed for me, i'll bleed for you

i was just looking at some old things that people send me. they filled me with warm fuzzies. i like that. i am feeling terribly unproductive today. i am very temped to not do anything. but i really should go do my print project. last night what fun and scary all at the same time. the scary dancing lady was the worst. the snow was fun and so was pretending to be on a ship outside. man that was beautiful. i'm glad i had that moment with you guys hehe
i am looking forward to being a rock star. even thought i am frightened to break things when i sing. i think i will bring down a treat if i have time. :O eeee
i am doing pretty good on my list of things to do, the main one was the set design. i was really nervous about it , but it seemed to go over well. nice. haha now i just have to do a model, but i have till wednesday and this sunday to work on it. next step is to get off my lazy ass and do my print project. i hope it works out good. i work lots coming up. which is good because i will save more money. apparently i am good at being a waitress. kong, the manager, said he was gonna try and put me on more big reservations because because i did really well, and was organized, and everyone was happy. that made me feel pretty good. ummmmm
i want to write more but i am not sure what about. haha i guess i am just trying to procraztinate. balls. hehe . hmm i guess i will go and get dressed. i dunno why, but for some reason i feel really good right now. like i am super awesome. maybe it's because i am awesome, maybe i have soemthing to look forward, maybe because i slept in and don't have to work tongiht. " life was on our tounges, it tasted heavenly" dudud i am fucking sweet and you know it bitches. haha i dunno. i am proud of me. * shrug* whatever . to shower.
foolishly yours,
lisa

the stories undone. unravel at the seams

i wonder what you think about me. i'm not perfect, i'm not fixed i'm not anything amazing. you wanna know about putting on a smile, a happy face. i will write you a book. I'm not happier now. I am walking through a series of distractions, a few happy moments maybe. i am not above you, no steps ahead. perhaps you did some good. at least it seems i'm being more responsible and getting things done. I'm trying to make things better for the future. fuck them now. now is task after task of life. no use trying to fix it. I'm just looking past it. I'm trying to make myself better, isn;t that what you wanted for yourself? what happened to that? was it just an excuse at the time? do you really want it ?I wonder what you think my motives are. i'm not going to the bar to pick up guys. there are none. This is what i think is best, for us, at this time. no it isn't fun. yeah it hurts. i'm not jumping for joy here. putting two broken things together doesn't fix them. they probably only look that way till they fall apart. I don't know the answers. i don't know if there are any. i hope this does not make you sad, it isn't intended to. i want you to know what i think because i have no clue about you. i have some thoughts , but no real clue. i never asked for a smile. all i wanted to know was how you felt, why you felt what you thought. you gave me answers, but it that what you really mean? i am beyond confused. so i tried to make thing simpler and they got more confusing. all i want is the best, that takes time. so why do i feel like the bad guy.
I suppose it is my mistake. you told me you would be fine. that you could handle it. how did it turn into double standards? don't tell me you are fine when you are not, don't think i don't know any better.

i bet you look good on the dance floor

Stupid facebook is being a bastard. fuckin with sit. bastard. *sigh*


anyways lets see what is new, or possibly exciting. i have accomplished two of the 3 steps for applying to the theatre program at uvic. unfortuantly step three has like 5 thing i have to do. bastard.


i went down to uvic on friday to visit me boyEs. hung around playing you don;t know jack with ben and dusting dusting while kyle and josh where working. also during that time we walked to the mall and i baught a new game called what. it is hella sweet and fun and junk. we will play it and you will be amazied with awe...*shrug*

This is Dustin and i being classy with our chosesn drinks... i'm pretty sure that is beer in my wine glass. by this point we had both finised our own bottles of wine. but yea,. i will post the rest of my pics on facebook when it stops being a bastard. not that there are very many pictures nore are they partinularially intessting.. this is the best for sure. i had a wonderful time in victoria as i always do. like tasia said it is nice to know that you are wanted. not that i generally feel unwanted but ya know. it;s still nice. i cannot describe the silly little things that those kids do that makes doing nothing so enjoyable. gotta love em . hehe like who puts their foot out of a car window for no reason... everyone in the car... at the same time. haha it really seems like not thing.. or full out wrestling for shotgun... hookers and blow.. nice.. hahahahah

hmm. last night, directly after returning home from victoria i went in early to work. and had a 40 person reservation. it was nuts. however i did make 130 worth of tips, and i got a glow bracellet. that made me feel special. then after work i went out with two coworkers, my boss , his wife and his friend. we went to the foundy then to the pool hall.. it was an intersting and strange outing. *shrug* on the way back we got stopped at a road block. there where 4 of us in the back seat epp. so i squished down and hid. i was sooo sure they where going to see me.. but luckily they did not... nice.

hmmm hmm i am very tired right now. i had hoped to get more of a set design done today.. i supose i still can however i am very tired and not feeling particularially creative. really i would just like to go to bed. i supose it is a good thing face book is being a bastard, maaybe now i will get soem work done... still so very tired though...

i am not looking forward to getting up tomorrow... not at all.. balls and all that jazz.

fool me once, shame one you... fool me twice, shame on me

i am talented. i am beautiful. im a good cook. i bake deliciouses treats to share. i am an artist. i am a passionate and caring lover, a good friend. i am a hard worker. i make amazing cocktails. i can find a bargin like nobody's busines. i give wonderful and creative gifts. i have an amazing body, i'm fun to be with. i'm good to cuddle with. i'm giving. i'm inventive. i like dumb puns. i am not high maintenance. i enjoy the simple things in life and see/take joy in the beauty around me. though i don't have a lot to say but i will listen forever. i am compassionate and loving.
Pink, Mama Lisa, baby squirrel, Papa, mutha hen, sunshine, the queen of hearts, millie, miss mussy.
i suppose over the past little while i have been thinking about myself. how i portray myself. the things listed above are things about me that i like and i think make me an interesting person. i dunno. i was thinking about it yesterday at work. there are many things that most people don't know about me. most of the time i think nothing of myself. i am what i am and thus do what i do. there are times when i think i am wonderful ,and amazing... however i also think i am terribly boring and nothing special. though that kind of thinking is just like me. never can keep my mind straight on things.
well apparently i am special. but how i do not know.


haughh .... well that is enough of that garbage. let me tell you about my walk. it was Sunday. and i had been cooped up two days previously. so i decided to burn off a little engery and go for a walk to get some coffee. i thought perhaps i would sit and read a book. however when i got there, i found i needed to walk more. so i started to head downtown on the highway. i was sunny but fucking cold. i had my music thought and was in good spirits. i thought about many things, and was at peace with them. i decided that enough was enough , i would acquire a taste for wine... so i can be classy and stuff. i decided to head down to port place mall to the bc liquor store. on my way i went along the sea wall. there where a few familes. some old men walked dogs, who i smiled a. they smiled back and went on their way. it made me happy making someone else smile. i notice there where many old couples walking together. i wondered if people in out time will make it that far? how many of us, if we choose to get married will stay together until we die. times are different now right. i dunno.

anyways so i continued along the seawall, past the port and up to the mall where i discovered that the liquor store was closed. oh well i don;t really need the wine anyways. i baught myself a piece of chicken for a snack. then looked at the art in the little gallery. i can paint equally as good if not better than those artists. i wish i could just paint , and make things, and be an artist. i think one day i will be able to. i continued on my way. past the casino, past acme and pirate chips. up past the keg, delicato's and into the old city quarter. i stopped into that new age shop and baught some really nice candles and insents. and then into a fugdge/ chocoalte shop. and baught some deliciouse dark chocolate almond bark. tasia texted me to i headed home. on my way just past the oxy, was a sign. it read" come try our B.C. wines" so i said "alright. so i picked up a bottle and started back on my way. i felt very good. it was like i knew what was up. i was confident and cheerful. i walked through a park, and took a turn on a merry go round. i felt like a character in a movie. the brilliant, artsy, spontaniouse girl that the leading man falls for.

when i returned home tasia came to hang out shortly after. i started to drink my wine which was not that bad. i will buy it again. later that night tasia, laura and i went to see atonement. which was something. something i cannot describe.
i finished my bottle after the movie. hah it was a satisfying day.

the next day , tasia and i tried out taste at beer. that did not go so badly either. thought i am much to tired of typing at the moment to type it out.

capture the moments that i can. enjoy what there is i can enjoy. time will bring what i am missing. times like this do not last forever.

What'll you do when you get lonely, And nobody's waiting by your side?

i want to get out. i want to see and be seen. it feels like i have been cooped up forever. two whole days is long time for me not to do much of anything. i think it makes me go a little loopy. yesterday as i was driving to my parents, i thought what it would be like if i changed my name to layla. most of you know that i am not particularly fond of my name. i don't think it really fits me. lisa just isn't very interesting to me. not that i think layla would be perfect for me either.

i feel very trapped right now. like I have been compressed and i need to spring and release myself. this could be because of my past two days. but i think that it is more than that. i need to go somewhere and do something that excites me. i think i am bored here. if not in this place then with my state of life. i know i am not happy.

another funny thing i noticed while driving. i go kinda strange when i am not content with my life. i become quite eccentric. the way i think changes, i do small things differently. and i get a intense need to change things about myself. normally they are physical things because those are easier. i have seen it before in myself and i am sure i will see it again. it makes me think that i have a few personalities. this may seem dumb or strange but it;s like there was more to me than one person. never mind i cannot describe it. i most likely have gone loopy. i have killed to many brain cells, i have watched too many movies in the past three days.

i need to break free, the only problem is i don't know how. i want to accomplish great things. but i have no drive to do it. it all seems to much effort why bother. i think other people have more faith in my than i have myself. i almost always fell that when i am doing things i am just fumbling by. like i was lucky that something worked out for me in the end.BAH i have a love hate relationship with myself. whatever i know that. what is really important right now. what really matters to me at this instant is
what the fuck am i going to do today?

bored on saturday night

that is me. today started lazy. then after some more sleeping in( complete with it's strange dreams) i burst into action, cleaning my apartment and it;s many... many dirty dishes. then i gathered up my 3 bags full of laundry and headed to my parents. did some laundry, ate some roast watched a movie. sigh. so many movies. came home. made myself over. realized it was 8. lame. tried to make plans. failed. lost motivation. started writing blog. there are many more things i could be doing... helpful useful things i could be doing. but i just don't feel like it anymore.

really i should just sink into some music. i would really like to go out for a walk but do not feel safe enough to do so by myself. hmm hmm things that make you go hmmm...
hmmm he he
one more day to fill before school. perhaps tomorrow i will get some more useful things done.
fuck sitting around i need something to do. ....
popcorn

i knew this was a dream, it was too go to be true.

blah garble godod sigh.... oh colin firth, you bring me joy. heh. watching pride and prejudice. huddled away in my messy apartment. i may need a break from gatherings here for a while. we leave quite a mess. and i do tire of cleaning. also after my great night last night i think that i should take a break from some other activities. at least for a while to clear my head. i am hungry but to lazy to go and eat. and make stuff. ugg jghsk guuh blarjjskjgshfkjg hmmm
i am many things today. i want company, yet to be alone. i want to be loved and taken care of , yet cannot accept it. i want to sleep time away, but my back hurts to lie down. heh it could use a good gentle hand. i am worried. i am confused. i am angry, i am happy. i am lazy...unsure. you are destrying ,me as you bring me to life. i like the new shirts that i baught. my head hurts. this is a rather depressing post for the new year. what ever. fuck it. :P hehehe .

what is so special about a new year anyways. different numbers to write. that is all. what to make for food what to make. tasia and i watched memoirs of a geisha. it;s such a nice movie. to stop a man in his tracks with one look. ha what a game.,, isn;t that what we are playing. pitted against one another. making our moves. keeping it in , letting it out. forget it all. *sigh*
i am screaming with silence. i am a silly girl. making a fuss for nothing. my life is not hard, i am talented. i am screaming with silence. ........... you hear the words i don;t speak. do you know what they mean. *sigh*
i am... nothing different than i always am
take no note, it means nothing