i just had a terrible dream. it started out not so bad. there was some dog party at james' house( but it didn;t look like it) lots of people had their dogs and some cats. they where all white. i had with me a cat and a dog. the dog was snowball or something and the cat was sugar. for some reason i had this kit, and in it was dog makeup? just a little container. i was baffled by it.i walked around the house, through all the people that i didn't recognize. looking at all the animals. then the dream started over. i was the only one that had animals. but they where not with me. instead people where drinking and preparing to go to the bar. i was in my kitchen washing the sink. martha and spencer where drinking some wine in funny little bottles. one was mine that they where going to drink. i asked if it would be alright if i came to the bar with them. however the event co-ordinator said no. after this i was angry and when to sit on the couch, where shortly after i got into a big fight with the co-ordinator and said many horrible things and had them said to me. i theatened to hurt him is he continued, which he did, so i hit him. and as i was leaving i used my nails to scratch into his forehead. some how i had a broom and was theatening to smash the handle over his head. but i didnt, i pretened to then said " this is my mercy" and walked outside and broke it over something. i called for the animals that i had braught with me, and shortly after they both came.we started to rive the short distance home, when somehow the person i was fighting with was like hovering outside my car as i was driving( i think it must have been in my head) he said more horrible things. i was crying and ignoring him. then he said " fine don't listen" and dissapeared. and i remember though i wanted him gone because he had hurt me so bad, i was sad that he had left. and thats where i work up. realizing that it was 1245. and that i had wasted ha;f of my day.
not that i had anything important to do anyways.
i hope that this is not a reflection of how my winter break is going to be. days like this one are not good. and it should be my responsibility to fix them. i don't think i am doing so bad now, as the dream beginning to fade from my memory. thats the thing with my dreams they are so clear they are real.
i am definably still in a slump. i decided that if i cannot be happy by myself, then i am not happy in general, with myself and with my life. will you all help me. this is not something i ask very often. I'm actually quite stuborn on the fact, but seeing as i can quite get through all of this on my own i would really like some advice. any advice, anything that i could try.... i'm just so tired of feeling low all the time.
ummm thats all for now.
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3 comments:
I think it's wonderful that you have at least realized that what you need to do is be able to be happy on your own. That's an important thing! It will so get easier, I promise you.
As for advice, I'm not sure I have any at the moment... but you know I'm always available to talk and listen!
I think the first step is finding things you can do by yourself that you enjoy. Once you can enjoy your time alone as much as your time with others you'll be closer to being happy with yourself. And Eryn's right, it gets easier. You just have to stick it out.
In the words of wise ol' Lisa Mennell: "You've got to learn to be your own company... and you're good company." You've gotta learn to love yourself through and through, and being alone gets better with time, I promise you. You're way stronger than you think hun, you'll be ok *huggles*
-Jill, too lazy to sign in.
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