Being nice to people doesn't make you friends

being a good hostess doesn;t make you friends, being good at art, or cleaning up after people or knowing how to solve problems doesn;t make you friends.
i know for a fact. if i did i would have more than i can count, for unless i am heinously misteaken i am a nice person. why do i not have friends? aquaintances i have many but who can say that they are really my friend? who really knows me? i think some how i must be deficient at making friends.i'm just tlaking about people to hang out with or spend time in a group, i'm tlaking abotu the people who you can spend all day doing nothing with, who you can know how each other is feeling, someone who undertsands .perhaps it is my own actions that has prevented it. i know there are people who are my friends and no matter what happens they will be. even if they move away to victoria.. which funnily enough most of them did go. augh i don;t even know what i am saying right now. all i know is that right now i am so lonely. even though i did see people it was as though i spend 3days by myself. i just wish i was closer to people, that people wanted me to go out to dinner or to coffee or shopping with them not just becuase i have a car or they feel obligated to, but becuase they might enjoy my company. what a strech eh. fuck.
i came to school today and everyone noticed my fat cheeks. is that what it takes? idunno. we are probably just so involved in out own lives, myself included to notice anything eles in the world.

i'm sick of these stupid swolen cheeks, i'm tired of looking in the mirror and starting back at a monster. here is my new trend

I hate these cheeks. i hate being cold. i hate being lonley. i hate not knowing what peopel think of me. i hate that people don;t think about me. ihate being excluded. i hate how i feel right now. i hate when i complain. i hate when i cry. i hate not seeing you. i hate being selfish, i hate how other people are selfish. i hate stupid arguments.i hate suborness, i hate bad tempers.i hate being scared. i hate how i need you so much. i hate many kind of vegetables. i hate luke warms drinks. i hate it when it;s sunny and cold. i hate it when the snow melts. i hate it when dollar stores aren;t really a dollar.i hate when i procrastinate. ihate not knowing the time i hate how my mom nags me about stupid things. i hate not having any girl friends to talk to. i hate the pain i get in my knee.i hate when people try and make themselves mroe important than you. i hate nto playing fastball. i hate pork steaks. i hate not liking strange foods. i hate the way i will forget all this tomorrow, continue on as i always do , and have all this happen again...

now before i die of negativity

i live vanilla. i like cinniamon, i like candles. i like sleeping. i like masks. i like theatre. i like venice. i like shopping. i like glass work. i like to swim in lakes. i like camping. i like mushroom picking. i like to go hiking. i like building sand forts and defending them against the waves. i like making cocktails. i like painting i like cooking and baking. i like driving, but not for too long. i like the sun when it;s hot out. i like watching movies. i like the color of my hair when it is first died. i like regular orange peko tea. i like rum. i like writting on big stacks of paper.i like chapstick. i like rollar blading. i like sitting around all day with people and just hanging out. i like makign spaghetti sause from scratch and then just eating it. i like taking picutres. i like looking at pictures of my self. i like walking places with a purpose. i liek adventures. i like eating raw cookie dough. i like dumb teen movies. i like hot hot baths. i like it when it rains. i liek storms. i like painting my nails french maniture style. i like dressing up formal. i like bare feet. i like flip flops. i like fastball.. and even slop pitch.i like hugs, i like cuddleing, i like kissing ,i like sex. i like likeing on a bed and listening to music. i like walks on the beach in the fog. i like holding hands.... someitmes.... very rarley. i like organizing things. i like lilies. i like giving gifts for no reason to people who deserve it. i like that kaitlyn likes dinosaurs. i like kaitlyn. i like ceasar salad. i like meatloaf. i like mashed potaoes. i like bread and gravy. i like how my kitten brings me sticks. i like being under blankets. i like my james bond. i like your mystery, i like massages. i like musicals. i like being in musicals. i love hippies even if they are dirty. i like my eyes, my body, my sense of humor, my feet and laugh.


i don;t expect anyone to read that, but i certianly needed it to feel better. thank you for your paticance.good night