subliminal rambling

sometimes i wonder how great a fool i really am ... why is it that i take the advice of other people in some instances and then not in other. why do i not listen to my own self. more than ever now i feel like i fool. mostly for wanting what i could have had all along, however that is a futile wish now is it now. i wish i could be the person i am now, in the past, perhaps then i would stand up for what i thought i deserved. instead of accepting what was being given to me. what would have happened if i would have fought. what would my life be life. perhaps happier than it is now. who knows. perhaps things would have gone badly anyways. why is it that i have chose to appease my friends opinions other than my own. why did i chose that moment to stand up for myself. i had been walked over before and am sure that it will happen again . indeed i must be a great fool. or some kind of trickster.
sometimes it feels like people are just playing a game with me. like i am not let in on the full picture. this is not a new notion for me.. for a while it had vanished. however it has returned. it makes me feel like i am annoying to be around. perhaps i am .. thus i do not blame the world for not wanting me around. i annoy myself ..even now i am unsettled and trying to contemplate thing thing that i call my mind.. my thought process.. it is never straight , it wavers from one side to the next as waves on the ocean . fuck me.
if only ha.. perhaps i would let go of a little frustration. tonight has been an odd night,
if only i where able to explain the feeling that had come over me .. i might be able to explain my unsettled state now and the thought that i am pouring oto this page.
i was working on my essay .. i took a break to take a bath and read some of a play. when i got out i read a while longer then .. i was over come by this strange feeling ... i like could not contain myself i felt trapped and alone. uneasy.. and pretty much like i was going crazy. i do not recall ever feeling like that again . it was unsettling. i excersized hoping that my exertion would releave my state. it did not. i came to the computer to find some outlet. i talked to josh and kyle who are sweet in their ways and did help to calm me ... however i am still in a frantic state.
i wish i could run into the night , however i fear for my safetly.. thought i wonder why should i care... i am unhappy now as i am what if it where to change Ha i said... but my mind hold to many contradictions to know what i really mean. kill me now and i might never get the change to feel the way your lips press against mine. the way i feel whole when you are near. me .. listen to this garbange.. why did i know what i wanted when it could have been . do you hear me now.. i am i here now. .. or am i just rambling like the lunatic i have become... perhaps i have lost part of my sanity... it would not come as a shock to me... days in days out.. going through motions that i do not wish to go through .everything i want seems so far away at the moment. do not judge me for my hearts desires. you few with the judgeing eye to presume what it is that is best. who was it that tried to influence my life so?? how do you know better than the people who are in love. who are you to tell people what to do . and so what am i to think . do the devils hold my hand that stabbed me in the back? i wonder why . why why. have things become to be the way they are.. and will they ever be righted again . or is now what shall be . is it true that one day you will find me. love me one again? i truely hope for i am certain i shall never stop for you. perhaps i am a fool indeed.a fool who had a heart to love...