i"m lost

(btw this is a "lisa letting it out" so if you even read my blog feel free to skip it)

right now i am soo lost i dunno what to do. litterally i have nothign to do, but i cannot do nothing. i tired to draw but i cannot i have to much force working insode my body... do you ever feel that?
feel like at any moment you could rip your chest open just so you don;t have to feel that anymore.
crush whatever is making you like that. i'm in one of those places where you have nothign to look forward to but a row of lonley nights. i guess it matches what i am.. i shouldn't be, but i am. sometimes it goes away, but it always comes back.
if you don;t want to see me don;t make up excuses. just tell me it hurts less.
i've decided that there is somethign wrong with me. It always ends up the same. i'm not getting waht i need so i end up miserable. am i asking to much, do i just have high standars for happyness??? what the fuck is it cuz i sure don;t know. i fell like a mother looking after and cleaning up after children. what pisses me off the most is that i've been here exaclty before. I hear the words you are saying, and there are many. but where is my proof. i dont ask for alot, hardly anthign but i want proof , i want to see but most of all i want to feel. I want to feel. cuz sometimes i don;t belive what i hear.
why do people stop figthing for what they want? Do you just get it and it;s yours? not in these cases. why does history have to repeat it;s self. WHY. i'm tearing my hair , trying to get rid of that feeling, trying to figure why i end up where i started. this is notwaht i wanted at first,i did it for you, all for you cuz i thought you would be as wonderful now as then. if only i trusted myself it isnt; in me rightnow. Why did you stop fighting. you got the prize so whats the point...
i dunno what to do so i will go on, and we will see if i survive. right now it's like i;m falling apart. i dunno how else to say it. i'm not trying to splay my troubles out to the world, i just need to get the ccrap thats in my head out. maybe the pounding, and twisting in my chest will stop. maybe i can focas. figure out what needs to be. something to make you want me again. not want me ... but give me waht i diserve... what i feel i diserve or throw me away cuz i am trouble. just something
like i said... i am lost. terribley dramatic i know but everyone deserves a low point now and then and i am in mine. i will waste tonigth, tomorrow, and the next day. cuz i just don;t have what it takes for anythign. and i doubt that you will come running.

" beneith the stains of time the feelings dissapear, you are someone eles, i am still right here"
*sigh*