I tried, I Gave up..

..After everything i've done i hate myself for what i've become...
thank you
I *heart* you







i don't understand how you put up with me


...i'm not worth the second thought




... but i guess don't mind

deaylo

I AM: Sorry for the stupid things i have done
I WILL ALWAYS: be there
I MISS: being the one you talk to
I SMELL: like vanilla
I CRAVE: attention
I WORRY: about everything way to much
I REGRET: only afew things in my past
I LOVE: to paint... and eat
I SLIGHTLY: hate myself
I DANCE: like an idiot in my car
I SING: along to musicals
I CANT STAND: for long periods of time without falling over
I LOST: my best friend
I LIKE: to be kissed
I LISTEN: when you need to talk
I CAN BE FOUND:if you care to look for me
I NEED: to know what people are thinking... and what time it is
I KNOW THAT: your upset
I HOPE: I can help
I WANT: to be happy
I AM ALWAYS: overanalizing
I CRY: when i mean it
I FELL: unapriciated... looked over.. forgotten ....unimportant.. out of the loop .. by everyone except one person
I WILL: continue on like i always do
I WONT: stop caring and trying to make people happy
I THINK: too much for my own good
I SHOULD: resist
I COULD: do more
I WOULD: go swimming if it was summer
I DIDNT: think
I LOOK: different to myself than everyone eles
I HEAR: the lawn mower
I HURT: more than i show
I HATE: some of the things i do , how i act sometimes and not being able to make decisions
I FEAR: being alone
I DONT: know all the answers
I FEEL: ...loved
I CARE: what my friends really think about me
I AM ALWAYS TRYING TO: satify my cravings
I HIDE: behind a mask
I WRITE: quotes or poems to help me think
I PLAY: on swings
I LEARN: something new everyday
I WILL BE: recognized.. one day
I SAY: stupid things that dont make any sence
I DONT THINK: people know who i really am
I LOVE TO: be with people.. even if it;s just sitting listening to music
I ALWAYS: wonder
I HAVE: needs
I BELIEVE: in myself... most of the time
I NEVER: thought it could happen

you make me feel alive again and wanted for the first.... when did you cast this spell upon me, please say that it will never end..... tell me anyways

place your hands upon me.. I am soft
I don't bite......
.. Unless you want me to....
unexplainable dilema... the want and the know....or..unknown......I am my own defeat and you my saviour
..don't stop rescuing me....

These sunglasses are to dark...

... i can't see the sun today. my happy mood depleated... there isn't much to say. a silly little incident, it drained my good mood dry... some one knock me out of it...it feels like I could cry. I feel the tears are welling, i choke to hold them back. don't know why i feel so sad... happiness under attack.

so this is compleatly ridiculouse... i feel soo sad today... like at any moment i could start to cry.. it all started yesterday when the boys( spencer and tayler) where over.. they play crocano while i dyed my hair... when i was letting it set i came in to visit them.. got soem cheese ans crackers and offered them whatever they liked... they where difficult. so i leave and come back and they are laughing and they won't tell me what .. it really bugged me fore seom reason ... it was as if they where makeing fun of me behind my back while i was there... so i went to finish my hair and all the time i was just stewing... my disadisfaction escilating...when i returned they where all quiet , as if they knew that had annoyed me and where trying to be all nice " your hair looks nice " mmhmm i dunno about you but i don't wanna hear compliments when i am in a bad mood.. especially when they sound kinda forced. augh .. it's not their fault they just kinda pushed whats was already there becuase earlier at baseball michells was being such a power hungry bitch. the first drill we did she just couldn't be pleased.. we had to do push-ups when we didn't yell loud enough.. and missed a cover.. or a throw.. just so you know.. if you don;t already my mouth is all screwed up right now.. the skin around it is all dry and hurting and my lips are cracked. i cannot ( or at least could not yesterday) open my like at all.. like it hurt to eat anything cuz i would have to open my mouth .. so you can imagine that it is hard to yell.. also, i'm getting sick so my throat is all buggered.. quess who got to do push ups... she said for me to yell louder... told her i couldn't my mmouth was all buggered .. so have to do pushups cuz i am making up excuses .. does she thing that i am lieing to piss her of.. i know she is in a bitchy mood why would i wanna anger her firther... it;s not the fact that i had to do pushups that bugged me it's the fact that she didn't even think to believe what i was saying... so the rest of the night i was kinda ticked off... yea be had to do abunch more pushups and she yelled abunch more... so you see it's not that the boys did anything bad... they just havebad timing... so i am in this shitty mood and i get to have rehearsal and work... wonder what tomorrow will be like

thanks cupcake

soo i'm happy, but worried at the same time... digging myself in a hole again, but once you've started digging you don;t wanna stop cuz you like the hole.. it;s nice and cozy and protects you .... sometimes you go to deep ...and you can;t get out.

" listen to my muscle memory"

" I want what I want"

"nothing seems to satisfy, I don't want it , I just need it "

The Road of desire goes both ways ...

omg ... creepy

ou are a WECF--Wacky Emotional Constructive Follower. This makes you a Candle burning at both ends.

You work until you drop, and you play until you can stand to work again. You have so much enthusiasm that you can find it hard to control on your own, and you appreciate the guidance that channels your energy and lets you be your best.

In a relationship, you require lots of attention and support. You often over-contribute and end up feeling depleted and cheated. You may benefit from more time alone than you grant yourself.

Your driving force is the emotional support of others--especially affection. You can run on empty for miles if you have positive energy behind you. Without it--as it occasionally must run dry--you are depressive, listless, and difficult to motivate.

You need a lot of affection. Get it any way you can, but never at the cost of your self-respect or well-being.

HOLY CRAP... its scrary how these things work out someimes...

i knew it.....

How evil are you?

What Type of Villain are You?

mutedfaith.com.

i don;t think there are words to describe how i feel right now... i hate myself. i'm sorry beyond belief... sorry doesn;t even beguin to describe how i feel i betrayed you. i'm stupid. i should have known... i should know by now not to trust myself. i know for sure. tomorow is going to be hard. i know it.... i can;t think of anythign to do to show you ... i hate myself.. i'm stupid. i want forgivness , but do i deserve it ... i hate myself ...

HOLY COW

aha chill laura chill.. hahaha yea so it;s been like about a billion years scince ihave posted anything but i;v ebeen busy with stuff and stuff. perhaps i will have more time nwo that festival is almost over adn i don;t have math . miahaha thats right i am a slacker and got out of math.. ok so it is saturday .. i worked all day and am uber exaused.. umm yesterday i also worked and then went to tidy;s that was fun .. interesting stories... hahaha um the day before that .. thursday it was my birthday .. super duper super..umm yea .. so i can do stuff....like vote..and buy porn... umm lets see lets see. i made the sweetest tree omg it;s so amazing.. i made it for the festival play. umm i also designed the shirts... theya re soo sweet it is gonan be an amzasing show . we had a reheearsal this morning and we went thoguht the whole show... it;s a very emotional production i was so excited to see the last scene.. the mute scene omg i take credit for that,,, my idea hahaha ,, watch everyone will forget ,,, it';s most likley just in my head, but it seems to me that i do these relly kewl things or accomplishsomethign and eveyone kinda brushes it off . it makes me feel crappy, i guess i would like more attentuon .. i dunno *sigh* ummm yea i am lost and no so much sure what to write.. sooo i wil end here .... the end

Personality Disorder Test

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Moderate
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Low
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Low
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

just do it :P

Dried up, tied up and dead to the world

soo it is wednesday. i'm a sicky ... i doubt that i have done and thign productive scince ... saturday when i hung out with ash and her bro.... hmm ok maybe thats a lie i went to work monday night..... but i came home earlie... it was horrible i has to do switch board .. it was the worst thing in the world... you don't knwo much i hate phones.... andways oh i went to company yestyerday ... so i guess i did 2 semi productive things.....hm and 1 productive thing... i forgot about my provinical exam on mom morning.. geeze... i'm not doing so well in the remembering department... i have to work todaty and tomorrow... i hate having the day off then working at night it makes me feel liek there isn o time to do anything but sit around. and I have so accomplished that.... been painting... can't wait to start next semester... i should make sure my calculator is good and running... i hope it doesn't have cancer :S umm umm umm i wish i wasn't sick i wanna hangout with people. i wanna do somethe crazy and fun. i want it to be summer...i have come to the conclusion that i am a compulsive eater.. no a good thing... it distresses me, gah ..

i wonder if anyone fun is working tonight or if it will be busy....hmmm. i'm sorry to those how might be reading this though i doubt that there are many if any... but there is not actauly content contained in this particular blog... merely the whiney ramblings of a lisa... next week .. drawing and painting.. hey i think ash is in my class nifty... perhaps with guiadance i will produce some work that satisfies me. not that I think that work i produce is bad but i want to do better... creat somethign amazing.. i need to be inpired.... work on my details ... expiriment with more colors... just improve.. mmmmm my house coat is soo fuzzy .it;s 4 50 and i haven;t gotten dresses yet how pathetic is that ...

why do i never take myself seriously.... i say some of the stupodest things ive heard... i dunno i guess i do it for comedic effect but to other people inderstand what it is rather than what i appears to be... i doesn;t really matter i guess... Gah i've had enought of this....

8 days holly crap

seems like forever since i have posed my simple little htought on this web page. here is the deal.. i am addicted to this site called deviant art.. if you wanna see my galary go... here http://pinkizhip.deviantart.com/
so yea semester one is over except for the 1 provincal i have tomorrowmornign in english.. whish i better do well on ... despite what my mother wants i will not get a B in english 2nd term i might even get a C donest that suck !!! it scares me how she is gonna react .. i don;t even know hoe it got that love *cry's*
i think i will talk to my dad first he can calm her down. and if i don;t do good on my provincial i dunno if i will be able to get into the course i want ... i don;t remember the requitement ... perhaps i will check that now... ummm yea i dunno company is going good ... gah i don;t wanan write anymore i have freaked myself out with my mark... good day

Ode ...

soo i have to write this ode for english and iwas like hey i have some spare time..( by the way i am atjenn 2's house waiting for people to show up.. jenn dissapeared to go get people) but then i am all like lost on what to write. so what is one to do... anyways i will fill the worls in on my day.. so iworedk for 4 hours... then when i got home i wanted to go to electric lettice... so cassy came with me.. there isn;t anything good there if you where wondering.( thought* this keyboard is rather loud.. thought it makes it fun to type on.) then scince my shopping impulse was not satisfided we went to walk aroudnb the mall ..harbourpark .. it;s all crazy and different looking, ahah there is this really big food court but only like 3 places to get food :P haha , anyways there was this crazy store and it has soem sweet clothes..i baught a shirt.. cassy says that i have to wear it on monday.. i can deal with that ... i have to find out wheniwork next week.. random thgouth.. anyways whenwe got back i had amassive turkey dinner. for some reason we had a turkey and my dad made it for dinner. .. why doesn;t really matter.,. allthat matters is that i get turkey snadwiches for like a week. anyways, jenn asked me to chill at her house with people.. there is poker at joshes house... colman wants me go to his house. jake wants me to go skatting and ace wanted to go for coffee,.. i just can't please everyone.... AMY and DAN and ASHELY just showed up... nifty. anyways i will end this here.. tomorrow i will tell of the adventures of the night... until then .....

i'm not in love

what up what up.. it is way to early to be uwake on a saturday morning... stupif working .. its only 4 hours to *shaking fist*just a little recap on yesterday .. um ashley stayed the night ..t he night before ce we were workingon the "Loosly conected" and so in D block we just kinda vedged oh oh oh but wait .. going back to thursday night hehe that was uber fun and then me , ash , shane, will donnie, nick and kyle went out for ice cream to DQ nick ordered 2 baskets of onion rings eeps jsut for himselkf.. i though thtat was intesnse. umm yea,.,, oh yea " healthy snakes" right ash
k so back to yesterday . nothing was really up at all ..we went to the mall and will and shane were there so we all went shopping. baught 3 new shirts and mechanical animals. finally , no onehad it for the longest time. umm after school was complany we didn't get much decided aha i enjoyeds some of the skits we made though ... like mine ace and laura's Ace- " bring ham" haha oh but spencer kept calling me a poser* tear* and afterwards there was just a little group discussion about scitso frinis ( i dunno how to spell it) or like multipe personality disorder and that seemed to be going somewhere yea then ace hung out while i set stuff up .. and then at like 5 me ace and shane went to moxies to get soem muchies.. yea chicken strips... then back to the show. everythign went good, wanted to do somethign crazxy after but we ended up doin quite the oposite... it is explained in my previouse blog more and more i am getting this feeling that i wanna break out. i feel everythign is come so routine.. and i know that life is gona be fully of routine times but i just wanna escape for alittle bit ... perhaps things will be different when the nest sememster starts. aught work soonn better end this so i can get dressed. and out.

" i'm not in love, but i'm gonna fuck ya, till someone better comes along"

stage manager yea

so tonight was the last of two night where i helped out with the grade 11 /12's , year end show,, nifty eh and mr A says that i can put me as stage manager down in my protfolio... i seems nifty to me. any who after that tasha nicole and i got soem coffee at the bucks.... and proceeded to laura's played som duck hunt... tryed to make a fire and now we are cooking bacon... i much so help laura... so this is the end... my only friend the end... so perhaps i will add later...

walking in between the rain drops

have you ever noticed that when it is raining that sometimes there are really big droplets and its like... it's like you can walk and not have them drop on you... obviously that isn;t really true.. but just the feeling of haveing them not even touch you even though you are in the middle of the rain .. i think it's amazing .. ahaha dunno if anyone eles knows what i am tlaking bout ...

.. so in general we all liketo help each other... spareing afew bucks so your freinds can get lunch,. giving a ride..stepping ito a part when someone is suick( which you should never do unless you knwo what the script it... *cough*) but what do you do when there isn;t anythign eles... your at the end of your rope.. your sholders in use and your running out of comforting words.. and all you wanna do is make the world better for the person. do you just have to sit back and watch them suffer ..you can go thought the tribulations of life by their side... but is it enough.... i dunno exactly where i am going with this.. but i just wish that i could do more for those i care about... it's all very simply and difficult at the same time ...

Take away the sensation inside
Bitter sweet migraine in my head
Its like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind
I can't take this feeling anymore

Drain the pressure from the swelling,
The sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine

Out of body and out of mind
Kiss the demons out of my dreams
I get the funny feeling, that’s alright
Jimmy says it's better than here,
I’ll tell you why

Drain the pressure from the swelling,
The sensations overwhelming,
Give me a kiss long goodnight and everything will be alright,
Tell me that I won't feel a thing,
So give me Novacaine

In The End Everything We Do... Is Just Everything We've

bellybutton oranges

i have just returned home from work and there is a delightful box of navel oranges on teh the kitchen floor ( get it navel .. bely button ) anyways i go go at one... peel.. peel peel ,. .. with the peel they look quite impressive.. but once it come off the oranges really isn;t hat big . So here i am munch munch munching and i have decided that oranges taste the best when someone eles peels them.... now you might be thinking .. but lisa it;s rewarding doing it for your self... yes.. but it tastes better when someone eles does it. example my dad soemtimes had oranges and i steal pieces and they are super good but when i decied i want one they just don;t add up anyways today was ok ,, i felt so super at school today i duno.. i think it is cuz of my hair... i like it.. i dunno ummmmm nothin super happened oh after schoolwas the first complay meeting/rehearsal dealyo.. it;s spiffy mr a asked me to me the technialc designer.. or ??? production designer... i dunno some kind of designer.. i think i make things look good. hahaha i guess i'll figure that out... anyways we did some team building stuff and then tryed to narrow down the toic that the play is gonna del with... no topic yet.. next rehearsal friday .. by the way friday is pizza day for me at work... don;t let me forget cuz i will cry :( ewww today at work this creepy guys was chekcin me out ,,., ew eweweweww itwas sooo yucky .. old creepy guys arecreepy ... it as pretty dead though so that was kewl . ummm omg second semester is almost here. eep sooo excited 2!! art classes .. plus acting . it is gonns be sweet ! woot woot ... hmmm friday i am suposed to hang out with coleman but tasha is goins to soem thign and i kidan wanna do that.. so i dunno what i am gonna do ..:heheheh ace forgot his cinnimon toast crunch here ... i am gonna eat it... well not all of it .. anywho i think i am gonna go to bed.. lisa needs her beauty sleep. hahaha lots of it *wink* heheh check ya later byeeee
p.s. hahaha oh yeah for anyone who is interested.. i can hook whoever up with an 8 x 10 signed print of any of my paintins for the low low price of 10$ .. remember its signerd ;) hahaha . i just thought of it and i think it;s a prettly good idea hehehe

more snow oh dear

at tidy's at the moment,, soem of us got together to celebrate his bithday ... times were going good.. then got bored andwanted food so i got will and amy and dan to mish with me to little ceasars and then tim hortons. it was a great fun time but it was very cold. very very cold. amy is a hobbit and dan tryed to give me a face wash but was unsuccesful... the pizza took a while but it was ok cuz amy and i went to 7-11 and got candy and pringles. one the way back after timmies amy and will slid lots. then when we were most of the way home i discovered that i had a hood.. SWEET hahaha. oh yea earlier today before work i baught a new pair of pants for 12 $ and this sweater thingy for 11 $ .. there is lots on for clearence which is sweet hahaha ... cuz i like clothes and i need more.. tomorrow i have to di my stagecraft project.. laura is gonna sleep over to night so i dunno when i will get around to it. ududud we are just chillen listing to some clapton... i'm kinda sleepy... perhaps i will steal laura and go back to my place.. wink wink .. she is a little up and down at the moment ,and i wanna cheer her up.. perhaps i will dance for her ahaahaha yea right like that would work hahah .. well maybe she would laught... tonightn would have been funner if here were more people or i went sleding or i had more alcohol hehehe *tear* one does not even give me a buzz,

" what will you do when you get lonley , no one waiting by your side, you;ve been running hiding much to long... layla ,, you've got me ne my need, beggin darling please .. ...
darlign won;t you easy my worried mind. " woot woot
o well thats about it till the next time i blog...

captains log star date 39 1/2

ello ello ello , what a wonderful morning.. i got up before i had to of course i got to sleep a little later than usual but whatever. i feel chipper and less tired .haha lets see how long this last's... last night i did not have to work abd i have the whole night to do whatever i likd and i did nothign ... no painting .. nothign .. though ti did kinda plan soemthign but we wil see how that works out . anywho nothing.. i had no energy. i went to bed at 10 .. thats very early for me. also to add to the chipperness i have my car again .. i can drive it to school so i donlt have to walk in the bloody cold. hmm what eles is fun.tea is good though i burnt my tounge... i have 2 fridays off in a row! that exceites me . less fun is the fact that i am at work at the time of mr.A's company audition
OH i wanna get a really bright red and put highlights in my hair.. it;s alwaus kidan red but i want some super highlights... i dunno how well it would work becuase my hair dark... but i'd like to find out.. hmm i love my new eye liner that doesn't come off in 2 seconds.. woot woot . i don;t know what i want to wear tosay but i have like half and hour to decide.. exciting. hmm nicole keeps telling me how horribley crappy chemestry is.. i'm kinda scrared and less wanting to take it ... i'm going into backl stage stuff why do i need chem? i was wondering how those self directed courses go... like mel has her choir thing.... i wonder if i would set one up. laura gave me this super idea to hold an art show... like set up a galery in the mulit purpose room .. wouldn;t that be kewl .. maybe i could set up some thing like that or hmmm somethign ,... likei don;t think one show woulb be enough ... but what couldi add to it... personally i don;t really seem me getting out of chem to do thaty .. my rents would not be pleased but painting is my passion..so perhaps they'd coem around..... oh so what got me all hyped up about his at the moment. is mr A gave ash and I this submission form to get into this art exibition dealyo .. i was uber excited .. and still am but i not do not know what to paint.. the theme is dreams and nightmares and the subconshiouse which is sooo right up my ally... thats what i paitn... but im having difficulties thinign of some thign super... thats the problem i guess .. is houldn;t be thinking of it . it will come to me .... hmm perhaps i shall go and get dressed now...

p.s. hey if anyone has any , comments or ideas about the mini gallery idea , or art show... let me know.. perhaps i could put soemthign together after all