woke up today feeling very crappy.. this feeling continued throughout the day with a breif subsidement during acting in which we did soem stage combat and in english in which we watched a movie. unfortunatly it has come back. i hate being grumpy and i am finding it a more often occurence these past few weeks. i am rememinded of a play that was created in the 24 play writting dealyo.. where this one woman was continually given these tasks that she lost it. my situaion is not entirly the same. i think i made my own tasks.. or make them worse by procrastinating... i feel as though many people are wanting my attention at the same time and i can;t give it to them. no matter how hard i try what i give is not enough. the woman in the play was told to let go and just live. but how?
on my way home today i had a realization... mr A once told me that when he had lots to do he would get sleepy.. it was his bodys way of telling him he couldn;t handle it. is that why i am always tired? who knows... it;s probably just that i don;t eat enough healthy foods... this being becuase i am never home .. food on the run. as of right now i should be doing my theatre history oral assignemt. i do not forsee it to take much time though. and i do feel the need to get things out of my head, there are soo many muddled thoughs in my head i don;t know what i believe, or want anymore. all i want is to be happy, but i am to concerned about other people's feelings to be worried about my own. kinda getting back to that play. how can i just give up when everyone eles is counting on me. or am i just making myself into something.
I often wonder if things in my head are they same as in real life. ok so i think that i am working hard at somethign is that really the case?.. do these people really think about my waht i think they do? i think that i am an amazing person... most of the time... but am i actaully. sometime i feel as though people are just stringing me along. patting my head and saying " good lisa" i guess i am actually cynical... as kylan so often tells me.
it;s funny how we beguin to belive what we hear. i supose thats the beauty of conditioning... how do you teach a dog tricks...? do it again rover ... good dog. more and more i realalize how i am affected by what i hear. sadly it comes from my own lips... i think i am a bad person becuase of the emotional harm that i enflict on others. i think perhaps i feel bad about my actions so to cover my own ass i say mean things about myself.. as if to justify my actions... i am sure this sounds like a mindless drabble of self pity, but these are the actual thoughs that pass through my mind... it isn;t all blank you know.
i guess it all comes back to worrieing about other people more than myself. i think i am strong therefor i can cope... but *whisper* i'm really just lieing to myself , fuck i don;t even know waht i am saying anymore.
i'd like to apologize to anyone who thought to read the whole of this. i'm not trying to compain, i just need to relese my mind somewhere.
p.s. i painted something beautiful
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/25207217/
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2 comments:
Lisa, you are an amazing person and don't you dare think otherwise. As far as being super busy goes, just learn to say no to people. It's okay to put yourself before others sometimes. I miss you and I hope you feel better soon. <3
Hey, we're not all counting on you! Er.. lol. But seriously, you ARE amazing. You are amazing, but human, and no one thinks that you should not get days to be grumpy on.
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