I'll keep digging

fuck you snow.Sure your pretty but your a pain in the ass... or should I say fuck you miata... and your tiny inefficiency. it is what Thursday now? haha i'm surprised i can remember that seeing as i havent done anything of note in the past 4 days. haha i guess that just means no work. :P i've hung out with people went and got food and junk. but really not a whole lot. originally i was planning on comming back to victoria after this weekend. i figured i would be bored in nanaimo. but really i have nothing to do here. and i have a bunch of wonderful friends in nanaimo... so i guess i am staying.... not that i probably have a choice because of the stupid snow. really i'm bored of doing the same thing for 4 days. i need some new scenery, new attitudes and imaginations.
Nothing seems to satisfy. I don't want it. I just need it. To breath to feel to know I'm alive.

i am going to explode, i'm going to explode. i drive myself mad. mad, mad. i'm going to explode. pause. give me a moment. AAAAAHHHHHHHH. driven mad. If i had another foot i would kick myself. get straight. thoughts straight. get it straight. I wish i knew what i was doing, what i am, waht to be. An artist...
The wind is blowing blowing. so fearcefully it blows. haunting me. I dread tomorrow. i don't want what i have accepted. I'm sure i will survice. but it is the anticipation that really kills me.
i'm running. running farther away from myself.

mid. S ( instead of P.S.) i'm sure this sounds funny, but i'm just writting as i think...
breath in , breath out, breath in,..
Take me i am the drug, take me i am halucinogenic.
breath out...
life continues even when you are flat on your face. it passes you over as you stumble to get up... catch up. run away/ run away/ listen to the words that come to mind. try and understand to meanings, the reasonings.
Until the very end of me, until the very end of you...
mmmm head scratchy.... mmmmm mmm mmmm mmm
until the very end of me.
Bed time.

my body has been clamed, soul has been shipped away

what i tell you, more thinking. well this is certainly turning out to be quite the day. i see patterns emerging that i have seen before. hmm I understand this. part of me feels hurt, part of me see's some guilt fall away. Sometimes i hate myself, sometimes i am very proud of myself. i see strength in myself, that gets me though. at many times i say i have no logic, but at time like right now i try and let what little logic i have take over. i have to separate myself or else everthing i have falls apart. I'm beguinning to see patterns, it;s becoming exhausting.

about half an hour ago i returned home after a walk to london drugs. it is crisp and sunny out. i went to the dollar store and london drugs for some key gift pieces. got a caramel machiato from Sbucks and walked the path home listening to my music.two bags, a coffee and a roll of gift wrap under my arm. For about the span of a minute, with the sun filtering onto my face through the trees and the warm flavour of my drink turning in my mouth. I was undeniably happy.
for a moment i was panicked.I thought something terrible had happened. The response was much better than that i dreaded. i think about what this means.hmmm

" Don't wake me up, i am still dreaming, the stories undone, unravel at the seams. Don't wake me up death is misleading, when i fall asleep, sleep with a ghost"

thoughts galore, think and think and think some more...

Why is it that whenever you have the opportunity to sleep in you wake up early. This almost always happens to me. Today for example... i have nothing that i HAVE to do. No pressing matters, assignments, work. Thats all done. today i can do whatever i feel. i wanted to sleep in.... Lame. hahahaha i guess it's still pretty sweet to have a full day off. i will accomplish many small tasks i think.
sometimes i hate the way i am. i always feel differently about things at different times. for example substance. when i first wake up in the morning i almost always have thoughts of guilt. "oh i've eaten to much , drank to much ,, whatever to much. i sometimes make a decision to mend my ways. but as one or a few hours pass my entire perception changes and i'm right back on the edge with all my little friends. My vices.
Last night was a great time. Let me start by taking you back to my Wednesday. I started working at the theatre at 12. Worked cleaning up for 2.5 hours then I treated Amanda to a Beer and some food at the pub. I text dustin at the pub saying we should get some beer tonight. However leaving for home on the bus, a beer and chicken strips in my belly, i start to feel a bit sleepy. Get home, have a bath. I wonder what i will do tonight. i still feel tired and unmotivated.
I go an visit with dustin. we chat about many things and agree that we should go to the liquor store. i purchase a 6 pack and dustin gets beer and wine. We return home and find that kyle had returned as well. The house is lit with chistmas lights and none others. We invite kyle for beer and then spent the next hours sitting around the kitchen table, in the soft warm glow of chistmas lights and talk about everythign and anything under the sun. Not getting wasted, but merrily enjoying each others company and conversation. there where many cheers to the moments present and passed. It was a night worth living for. thanks boys.
why is it that i never know what i am doing. i feel like spend a lot of my life just floating through motions. feeling things as i pass but never being able to touch anything solid because its all floating by to fast. It's like i'm walking down the centre of a fuzzy pinky purple tube. and in the pink purple fuzziness of the wall of this tube of my life are moving pictures of the people i know... of all the different facets of my life. school, work , family, home, friends, love, all these things i can somehow step into the picture and exist in that place for a while. but eventually i get sucked back into that tube. part of me forgets the time i have spent there, part of me remembers and yet at the same time i am distracted once again by the pink and purple fuzzy wall passing me and all it's little moving pictures.
I like wearing pink eye shadow. I think it's my color of choice. not saying that i always wear it. but i feel the happiest when i put it on. like i'm super excited. i'm kinda envious of all you that are able to pull off crazy colors like ,crazy green or orange, or dark blue or purple. i have pink though. i like pink.
hmmm i think those are all the thoughts for now.... but i have the whole day to be free and think... and it isn't even 11 yet.

"i'm gonna miss those eyes"

today i worked at the theatre for a while. After that i came home and proceeded to decorate my house. I was a great success. I am sitting at my kitchen table staring at my cute little chistmas tree. With it's found and hand painted ornaments . I'm eating a delicious meal that i took a fair while to cook. sooo good. i baked cookies before making . my day was productive and i am sitting enjoying the results of my labors. and it feels good....

come with us and you will see....

It's a world of wonders.... i don't think that has anything to do with what i am about to say but, it just popped into my head so i said it anyways. I was face book creeping and i noticed another person that i knew in high school just had a baby... at least he is a year older. my god younger people than me having babies.... blows my mind. i have always wanted to have children. I think that i will be a wonderful mother. probably equally crazy( in the nicest way possible) as my own. i know i will talk to the cats.. and say things that don't make sense, cuz really i do that now. but it's ok cuz i don't have any offspring to embarrass. i worry about my children already. i worry what kind of world they will grow up in. we grew up in an amazing time. it was like the birth of super technology. computeres and the internet , instant global comunication, cell phones, all came into everyday life in the first part of our lives. because of this we look at it in a certain way. we remember what it was like without it. but our children... it will be common place. i don't want practicallyity to be lost on my children.. i want them to know nature and everything there is other than technology. i want them to be confident but humble... make good decision about life. my parents where never particularally strict, but i feel that i still made good decicions about things like drugs... or sex. i never rushed into anything , i always did what felt right. im not saying that anyone who got into that earlier was wrong to do so, but i'm happy with myself that i took my time to think about it before jumping right in.... that something i want my children to do ... i don't want my children to loose their innocense before they hit the double digets. kids are getting crazier younger... that scares me a little. i dunno, is it funny that i'm not so much worried about the cost of raising a child( which still plays on my mind) but more i am worried that they will turn out alright. i dunno
sometimes i think one of my biggest faults is caring to much. i'm not saying it's a bad thing really. It's always been my habbit to put others before myself. I guess i am still working on it. i don't really know where i am going with this... but it was just a thought that occured to me. Do i really care to much... ? what is it about me that makes me want to take care of people? that wants them to be well? mothering instinct perhaps...

I'd like to appologize now for all the spelling and gramatical errors in this post... my brother just came in and hit me with a sock because i haven't been capitalizing my I's . i told him that i am typing my mind and grammer doesn't live there.

anyways nights.

it's fun gettin into trouble

so i have been terrible at blogging for the last month, lame core to the max lisa... not to say i haven't attempted to, but i always seem to get distracted and thus never finish. at the moment .. it is 5 min to 7pm on a sunday night. i have two days of school with 3 classes. tomorrow morning i have a business test that i could quite possibly fail, i also have a reflective digest for applied theatre due in the afternoon which i have not yet completed. but in all honestly i just don't care.

boy oh boy i want to not be sick. i'm tired of coughing and not being able to breath or talk. sad panda. i have decided that although i am not a work-a holic, i defiantly am addicted to activity. i've been sick since tuesday, but has that stopped me from living my life just the way i would in perfect health, not a chance. i really really need to take it easy when i need to. cuz this sucks balls. i went and baught some bucky's today, hopefully that helps.. omg is it gross. i totally almost vomed when i took a swig. it;s like liquid vics vapor rub. ew ew ew.

not much is up, no much is up, i am excited to decorate my house for christmas. i don't have anything planned on wednesday. perhaps if i have the energy i will clean the house and decorate.. bake some cookies maybe? it is still dawning on me that school is done for the semester.awesome. i'll probably go mad.hahaha ha. ha .. bet you a month will fly bye like nobody's business. i will get to visit with you peoples a bunch i hope.

man i'm such a bad student... hmmm maybe if i had something i cared about. right now i am kinda bored... well i dunno. i feel like i want something to entertain me, but i don't know what, i don't want o do my projects or anything. really i guess i just want to sleep. i was invited over to watch movies with peeps. and while i want to i just feel to sick. fuck you sick.. i'm tired of coughing .

soo i 've noticed that this blog is just kinda a jumble of though ish type things. i apologize. i wish it was better. i don't even have anything good to say.

blah blah blah... *insert coughing fit* my goodness, anyways nuts to this i can wait to come visit again . loves.

because i want to be kewl like you hehe

If I were a month I would be: july
If I were a day of the week I would be: thursday
If I were a time of day I would be: 6:30 pm
If I were a planet I would be: earth
If I were a sea animal I would be: sea monkey
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: a dinner table
If I were a sin I would be: gluttony
If I were a historical figure I would be: salvado dali
If I were a liquid I would be: viscous
If I were a tree I would be: an arbutus
If I were a flower/plant I would be: stargazer lily
If I were a kind of weather I would be: a down pour
If I were a musical instrument I would be: a violin
If I were an animal I would be: a tori shell cat.(like stirfry)
If I were a colour I would be: spicey red
If I were a vegetable I would be: a potatoe
If I were a sound I would be: gentil waves
If I were an element I would be: earth
If I were a car I would be: Red yaris!
If I were a song I would be: what to do- ok go
If I were a movie I would be directed by: alfred hitchcock
If I were a book I would be written by:terry pratchet
If I were a food I would be: chicken strips
If I were a place I would be: venice
If I were a material I would bee: satin
I were a taste I would be:sweet and sour
If I were a scent I would be: vanilla
If I were a word I would be: ingenuitive
If I were an object I would be: a toaster
If I were a body part I would be: hands
If I were a facial expression I would be: puffy cheeks
If I were a cartoon character I would be: Gir
If I were a shape I would be a: pentacle

i can tell this is what you've all been waiting for....

or at least thats what i'm pretending... haha. i am feeling pretty alright today. i got some classes to go to then a dress rehearsal of my play... but lets back track a minute
thursday- school and working on set, rehearsal, bed
Friday- up early for scene rehearsal, work, school, rush home to clean, rehearsal, social alcoholic gathering at my house.. bed,.
Saturday- up eary for 930 call , all day tech / dress rehearsal, awesome party, 330-4 , bed.
sunday- up early, 9 am scene rehearsal, 1130 ish... pass out on couch from complete and utter exhaustion. lounge on couch for many hours....
at around 8 pm i was feeling like a had a bit ore energy so i decided to go downstairs and visit kyle who i hadn't seen in a few days. He was in the shower so i waited, josh evenaully came and joined me.. and then dusting after... until kyle finally came out of the shower and we where all sitting in some way or another on his crappy little couch. (... hmm thats a nicely poetic phrase" crappy little couch"... it just has a ring to it...hmmm) this is where we stayed for at least an hour and a half just bull shitting, singing, calling each other fags, and being generally silly... these are some of the moments i think are worth remembering.

here are some other things i like to remember...
~ getting drunk with jill all afternoon and into the night.
~ crawling up eryns stairs after drinking too much wine to quickly
~ sitting in eryns kitchen, drinking and eating Chinese food.
~ sitting around my apartment living room with all of you there.
~ the adventures of pembertim and matt good concert
~having dinner parties at taisa's
~ going to super store because it's super store.. or costco
~ jack johnson and hal johnson and joanne mcloud....... however you spell it..
~ Girls nights at nathans
~ having coffee with gabby, and a nice good talk
~ being able to visit jill whenever
~blanket nests
~picture stories
~ waking up to find tasia sleeping on my couch, then making breakfast and watchin horatio and drinking that little bottle of sparkling wine i got, potaotes and wine.. then screaming and holding tasia's hand because horatio was just to exciting..." they love him sooo much"
martha, jill, gabby, nathan eryn, tasia.. and all the other people that made my life mean so much in the past year. i loves and miss you guys

the next few weeks will be full of dark of the moon, it's a good show if anyone has time to see a play. tickets are going fast i believe so reserve one if your interested... it runs for like 3 weeks or something... anyways i better get ready for school.
*heart*

once she had a red red dress, once she had a blue...

blog blog blog. it feels like forever since i've done this. i've been quite busy lately. not too busy to enjoy some free time , but busy enough not to be bored enough to blog. not that i am really bored now, just got some time.
soo the last week or so most nights i have been at rehearsals for the play " dark of the moon" i'm doing crew for it. fly operator and junk. it's pretty great. the rehearsals have been pretty slow so far but i know it will be better during the run.. and i am getting to know a bunch of people which is also super nice. opening should be awesome.
tomorrow is halloween. who is dressing up? i am. originally i wanted to be manbearpig, but i procrastinated to long and then got lazy.. so i'm not doing that. i was cleaning my room wednesday, trying to decide what i should be and i found my black dress with stars all over it.. so i went outs and got me a witch hat.. i make a pretty cute witch.. just need to find me a broom and a black cat. Dustin is being where's waldo? i helped him make his costume by printing red stripes on his touque and shirt. i'm not sure what josh is going to be but something tells me it will be pretty awesome. I would just like to say in this juncture that i love my room mates.
after being at reheasal all night i start talking with the accent they use in the play.. it;s tripping me up right now. ...
well i got distracted from my blog writting , by facebook.. so now i am tired and going to stop writting.. at least you got a bit...
i wants you kids to know that i miss you, any happy opening to anyone involved in the show, i hope you are all having a good time right now. hehe
and good night.
*heart*

the silence isn't as sweet...

I don;t have much that is interesting to say, nor do i particularly feel like typing ... i always look to see if you guys have updated your blogs.. i fell like i always want you to update so i know what you've been up to, how you've been. but lately i haven't been updating mine.. so i shouldn't expect yours to be.
Oh dear 130 already. tomorrow is not a long day thought.. but this weekend i am going to spend like all weekend at the school like i will only come home to sleep .. isn;t that kinda crazy...

the past two nights i was in rehearsal. this past one was pretty fun. i feel like i know what i am doing. i got put in charge of some first years. it;s nice to know that people realize that i know stuff.. it;f funny because it makes me realize. you mean i'll accomplished something in that past three years... no way.

he he he .. anyways thats all .
*loves*

the calm before the storm

so i just got up and while it is fresh i'm gonna try remembering my dream cuz i like all the rest of them it was uber fucked up... hmm i don't' think i will recall it all but there are parts that stick out in my mind. the main part that does : i was in a big truck with someone and we are kinda escaping from this evil dude. there is a dirt road with cut down trees all around it. we are basically 4xing through the cut down trees, but we where going super high in the air. the part that sticks out in my head most clearly is looking out the front window at the ground like 30 feet below and thinking fuck. i don't know if i was scared to crash or just scared of the hight, but either way we made it.
then another part had josh and someone else in it. the other person, looked a lot like josh and i think i was trying to explain to him the connection that i saw and josh ended up shaving his facial hair off. going back to the first part of my dream. i think it started with my walking down the same dirt road. and i had to go through this big dip that someone had constructed and there was this creepy guy. i had to go up to this other side of the hole thing and grab these shoes i guess. i dunno i remember grabbing some flip flops. come to think of it.. i this dream just goes so many places that i can't remember or think of how to describe so i am just going to quit while i am only slightly behind.

so as some of you might have seen, i have sold my soul to dark of the moon, which is our next prouction at the phoenix. i am doing flys and thus am flying people around the stage yay. i have my first rehearsal tomorrow. haha but today i don;t really have any pressing matters. just a bit of work and class. so next week i'm going to have to be at some night rehearsals, but i also have to figure out times to have my own rehearsals for my scene which is going to be a task, then i have an applied theatre project that i still have to figure out. i will put it to someone to help me figure it i think. other than that i found out yeaterday that i did not fail my last business test like i thought i did. i got 64%, which is by no means spectacular, however i did another one yesterday and felt i did much better. actually i think i dreamed that i got 90% on it. haha wouldn't that be creepy if i was true.... guess we;ll find out. haha . hm hm hm hm hm h what else is new.
i've been getting to know people better which is nice, there are quite a few people that chat with me. haha i'm excited to get into rehearsals, then i will meet more people junk.
on that same note i miss all of you back home. i had a nice talk with nathan on tuesday that really cheered me up. i was feeling kinda negative and nathan took that away. it made me think of all the times i was not myself and one of you would be there to pick me up. *lovelovelove*

anyways i think that is it for now, today i have free and possibly most of the weekend depending on wether i get called to paint or not. but i guess we will see when the storm hits.

Well this part is good and that's well understood, So you should laugh if you know what I mean

Tonight i ordered a book off the internet. The world on blood. I am excited for it to get here. The past few days i have been looking at my blog and thinking that i should update. But now that i have the attention to do that i have nothing really interesting to say.

you know whats weird.. i just thought of it. when i was little, my brother and i used to stay at my granny's and grammy's houses. when i went to my grannies she would play black jack with us... it seemed like the normalest thing to do. when we went to grammy's , she would have cereal in one of the cupboards, and it was kept in like tupperware containers.. and i remember always going to get handfuls of cheerio's. i never asked, even when we just came for a short visit i would get some. and you know what else... we drank out of kool-aid cups. not just drank out of. but i remember loving to eat icecream out of them.... weird though the things that seem so natural when you are doing them ... funny thing.. so afew years ago i was in a flea market with my mom and aunt and granny and i found kool-aid cups that where exactly the same.. so i baught 4 of them and a kool-aid jug to go along with it. nice eh. hehehe my grammy still has those cups

i'm going out of my head ...

The whole day through...
Just an old sweet song, keeps Georgia on my mind...
So it is saturday 524. No one else is home right now which is kinda nice. I finished the part of my assignment that i wanted. Then i decided that i wanted to clean the bathroom hardcore.. so i did and now i look super awesome! nice. hehe . then i started on my room... maybe i'll write a little and do that.
Just before i started this , i was reading some of my older blog posts and it;s interesting to see how much has changed.. not only about my life but the way i see things.

*distraction*... and return

so josh and kyle are home now, I fell in love with a bad idea... Spencer and lisa stopped by and i showed lisa my house. I made the bathroom awesome. i lit some candles and made it look awesome. i am very content.
Always quick to follow, the boys are to refined. I am super stoked for tonight dustin and i have some awesome plans. when i started this post i was really into writting , probable because i was reading what i had written in the past.

*NOTE: haha so this is from last night .. i forgot to post it

dustin and lisa's adventures

So i was reading eryns blog and she inspired me to write the tale of my own adventures.
Lets start with the day first. Got up and started working on my directing thing, skipped first class( i'll just read the book) to work on it. do some excersizes then go to second class. Apres class get dustin and we get stuff to make taco's. apres dinner do some more work for a few hrs. phew, brain can't work anymore... lisa says " hey dustin you wanna go for "
Dustin: " sure"
Lisa " wanna get high first"
dustin " ok"
anyways long story short we went for an epic walk one this trail. there is this lake by our house and i guess that we expected it to go around the lake , but we took the wrong fork in the road i guess so it just kept going and going. for the first part there was this old guy in a schooter with a dog and a big orange light.. and we passes him .. then i guess he turned around.. and then was following us.. we decide that it was a horror movie. for the longest time the air smelled so cool and delicious, like black berries: they where everywhere. we went under like 8 different bridges, they all looked different. we gave them names and genre's i gues. a japanese one., old train on, square one, super round one, ext ext some of them had murals under them which was awesome.
we walked over an sleepy hollow bridge, and one over douglas street and another one over this big lake. it was beautiful. we could see the parliament building lit up. the sky was covered in a blanket of soft linty clouds, with the calming amber glow of the city reflected onto them. the buildings around cast light and reflections on all the water around us. and above all though we where in the middle of the city, it was peacefully quiet. After the bridge( at this point we has probably been walking 45-50 min) there road split off into 3 ways. we chose one and continued on, eventually it led us to these weird apartments. it was like man made perfection. very tight and tall, with shaped roofs, and painted alternating colors. red, blue, orange, green... there where nice are in everydriveway and a garbage can next to them. it was architecture... so precise it had an erie feel to it. shortly after that we turned around to relive the events that we had experienced. there was one point we stopped to look at the lake and as we got near, there was a big splash behind some bushes. dustin and i both jumped back.. we both thought that i was an alligator. haha there where many different landscapes that we passed. some of them stood out. they all had a feel and a genre. i made up a little them song about dustin and lisa's adventure! and we fantasized about what our opening theme song video would look like. it was pretty sweet. i think thats about it. over all it was just an amazingly interesting walk. it lasted for 2 hrs and boy are my legs sore today.
tonight megan form my ball team is comming over and we are gonna catch up and have a good time. tomorrow i'm comming to nan and going out to dinner with my beautiful friends and then gettin fucked up. aside from all the homework i have on the go( which i am proud to say i have been working on every day ) i have a pretty good weekend coming up. !
horay!
see you all tomorrow* heart*

i wrote a post... but decided not to post it. It expresses how i feel at this moment. but i realized no matter how i feel,or no matter how articulately i express that fact, people will go on believing what they want.
This is a pineapple lantern that i carved. some of you will recognize it and know what is playing on the screen in the back ground. I am getting sick and feel ichy right now. this picture has brought me to peace. We have had some fucking awesome times.

Dont let the days go by Glycerine

i am two things right now, tired.. but also not tired enough to go to bed. i feel that today was a fairly good day. i seemed to accomplish alot of things and this makes me feel the day was a success. i did a bit of work on my project. handed in a application for a work studies( apparently i did have enough credits i am just a idiot and can't count) registered for another course bought some house stuff at walmart, cleaned up my room ( i have a floor!) trimmed the ivy. had some x rated cinnamon toast, went for some car rides. made delicious stir fry and watched big fish. it was a good day. i was responsible yet laid back and enjoyed parts of my day. OH.. and i made cupcakes and nathan called me which was super nice.
i think thats it now.
Originally i was thinking about going to nanaimo this weekend, but i have many things here to do. like garden. i have a house that i have to take care of, i thought of it today that it is kinda a weird concept i've never had to deal with before. it;s just weird that , i bet most of us, never think about how much work it is to take care of a house. well i think i am getting the picture.
anyways i guess i'll go to bed now.
fare well . and good night.

suffocating with air all around me

i've almost reached the end of where my patience goes. I try to be honest about how i feel. i don;t think there should be any misconceptions. maybe your just not hearing me so good.
this summer was a great experience for me. i had good times and i felt free. i did things for myself, and just myself. when i moved i thought i would be continuing that trend. expanding what and who i knew. I feel so trapped right now. It's not kewl. Not kewl. I know this is partially my fault. I am not able to live free. I guess i connect with people to well. anyways it doesn't matter what has been. not at the moment. right now all i want to express is my annoyance, and frustration. when i am walking, grasping for my arm and holding on will only make me want to run. trying to see/ talk to me all the time. When did you decide i deserved so much attention?
everyone wants a piece... this pie is not for sale. This pie needs some fucking room to breath.
Don't worry to much, it's not Just you i'm talking about.
don;t be upset, i just want some space to decide what i want as opposed to pleasing others.
My first reaction for this sentance was to say that i was sorry, because i thought writing this is somewhat harsh, but then i realized if i said what i felt, i don;t believe that you would hear it.

Let me reiterate just so my point is clear. I need space to breath.

Come inside just for a second, baby show me your attention ...

friday morning... i can't decide what to do. there are probably, in fact i know there are, plenty of things that i should/ could be doing, but i really cant decide. I find that this often happens when i have time to waste. I become lazy and indecisive. I have a big project for my directing class that i should find someway to start....

Victoria. i like the city, love my house and the people i live with. however i am not settled yet. i have accomplished the bus. you probably all know that i am not bus savvy, so i see this as an accomplishment. i suppose my next task is to become part of the theatre community at the uvic theatre. i want to know how the theatre is run, and be part of it. it will probably take some time. as of now i feel disconnected to it. I want In.

the other day i was thinking... i have flipped from being into wanting commitment to being afraid of it... well no not being afraid but certainly not wanting it. i have made this flip before, however before it was in the opposite direction. I find myself emotionally unattached in a romantic kind of way. I still respond to hahaha lets call it " male stimuli" , however i see it as more of an instinct hahah ( when i say that i don;t mean in a directly sexual way, but if there is a cute boy... you wanna flirt with the cute boy and get some attention kinda way) ... i'm intrigued and curious and want to know more, perhaps feel more. but not in a "love you till the end of time" kind of way.
I feel as though i am an entity , living for myself. i don't see this as a bad thing. i'm quite content with myself. i just think it;s interesting how i switch from wanting things. Over all it is a strange thing for me, i'm used to feeling so much, so deeply, and now i just don't. I know it is not forever, and i know there is nothing i can do to change it. eventually something or someone will happen that will change me again. until then i am content. i have enough things to short out. hahah

it;s funny when you have a silly thought, you wish for something to be true.. and then you look back and realize it is...

I'd sell my soul, my self-esteem a dollar at a time

My girlies are coming to visit today! i am soo excited. i know it hasn't even been a week but i'm excited for you to see my new house. It's very spacious and cozy. there are still a few bits of junk around but for the most part we are all unpacked.

i had my first classes yesterday. one i am on the wait list for but slowly climbing, and the other is called applied theatre. it sounds interesting. *shrug* then i have directing today . dunno what that will be like, i feel that i will stick out hardcore. but hopefully i will get into the swing of things. it was suggested that i take that course so i am.

i was hoping to be a work studies student and get payed for working and junk, but it just reading the things now it doesn;t seem like i am eligible. for one i don't have a huge financial need and 2 i am not in enough classes. i guess i can try to apply anyways, however i doubt i will be accepted. poop.

*leaves and returns*
horay for clean windows.it almost freaks me out how much of a "home maker" i am. i love entertaining, and keeping a clean house and looking after my boys.
haha last night we took a trip to walmart to get some garbage cans and other junk. i got some cleaning things , and josh and kyle bought these nerf dart guns. they are like a shot gun and some kind of riffle. we had a good few hours shooting them at each other. i thought to myself this is prob the best thing ever. i get to hang out with some of my best friends every night. haha. it probably won;t stay that way. but i wonder how it will change. i could understand how girls would turn on each other, but boys are different. i guess we will have to see. i have confidence that it will turn out well.

For one taste, one taste, one taste of you, my Magdalena