You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..

so, thanks to miss tasia, i am currently enjoy motion city sound track. it is good and stuff. not only is it helping me not work on my essay but .. well thats all i got.. it sounds good and junk. hehe
i have taken some notes for my essay .. and it;s not due for a while so i'm doing good. haha

and now a few words...
Let me in, let me in to the club, cuz I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and they're useless...

Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling
we'll try not to smile
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights
That still shock and surprise.
I believe that I can, overcome this and beat everything in the end
But I choose to abuse for the time being,
maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.


i always like reading lyrics when i listen to songs. it makes me like them more.. i guess cuz i know what it really says. anyways. HOLLy. he he it is 7 and the sun it still up. that makes me happy. summer will be here before we know it and i will be warm.. mmm warm. i really don;t know what i am going to do with all my time.. it's been a long time since i had a summer " to my self " so to speak. unless i get other gigs and stuff i will have the majority of the day off.. and i will probably wake up fairly early.. i am excited , perhaps i will do fun useful things. like go for walks and read stuff that i have been meaning to. one ish more week of school left... i cannot wait for it to be over. gah... i want my hand to get better it looks creepy and old by the light of my computer. anyways.... i supose i will write some more notes.. or do something else.... ahaha
i don;t really have a lot to say today.

I know I shouldn't waste my time,
Wishing I'd been better designed,
yet for some reason still think

up against an army with six soldiers on my side

right now i feel like garbage.. haha it always happens in the mornings generally. i wake up and realize i have to work the next three days, or my house is an absolute disaster because we made food and were to lazy to clean. i have to do a project i put off until now. i have a few hrs to do it , but that doesn;t make me feel motivated for it.
i kinda feel trapped right now. like bits of my world that where open before are caving in. it may sound dumb but i don't feel i can participate in activities with everyone. everyone is laughing and being happy and having a merry old time and i'm left hiding in the bathroom. if i didn't have those few people who actually come to see me and ask me what i am up to , i would be alone. it sounds stupid thinking it, but i feel ostracized from happy times. i can;t go hang out with everyone, because of where they are. it may be dumb but its really hard for me to go some places, because of what it reminds me of. goodbye many social gatherings. are people going to have to choose between appartment and basement suit? i hope i can get over whatever i need to because i know what the majority would choose.
yesterday i was in the booth with tim, i mentioned it would be kewl to go and see a some live jazz. tim said that a group was going out to the queens to next week and that i should go. but as much as i would enjoy the experience i feel that i am unwelcome. not that anyone has openly stated that, it;s that, i really feel i don;t belong. people will let me tag along, but no one wants to be a tag along. especially when it;s with your ex boyfriend.. and his new girl friend.
on that note it feels like a stale mate for me. i don;t know if this feeling, this situation is ever going to get better for me. i am surrounded. there is no running away right now. i'm stuck.
i can't wait till i can escape. aug the next few days feel so depressing. fuck why did i write this. now i really really have no motivation to work.

to you guys that really care for me, if i am getting through anything at all... it;s because of you. i hope i am not just being unreasonable. it doesn;t feel that way. i'm sorry if i am a no fun bum. but this isn't easy for me, it hurts like a bitch

hey ja ja jaded...

i'm glad i just got back from an amazing long weekend, not that i am glad to be back, i'm just glad all the happy memories are still fresh in my mind. i am trying my best not to care. just work on being numb. i;m so tired and full. i have lots of good things to think about to make me happy, rea;;y i couldn't stop smiling because of them hahaha... " i wonder how we could start..?" hehe hot chocolate. mmm manlyness. mystery of shit mountain. hahaha i was so excited, i wonder if my heart was pumping as much as it seemed. hehe
thank facebook.
just keep swimming , just keep swimming. one day you will forget me and i will forget you and we will both be happy again.
good night all
farewell

falling...

There's such a sad love
Deep in your eyes, a kind of pale jewel
Open and closed within your eyes
I'll place the sky within your eyes

There's such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I'll place the moon within your heart

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But I'll be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down

Falling
(As the world) Falling down
Falling in love

I'll paint you mornings of gold
I'll spin you Valentine evenings
Though we're strangers till now
We're choosing the path between the stars
I'll leave my love between the stars

Falling
(As the world) Falling down
Falling
As the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
(down) Falling
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down

Falling
Falling
Falling

Makes no sense at all
Makes no sense to fall
Falling
As the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
(down) Falling
Falling
Falling in love
Falling in love (love)
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love

i don't know where i am , i don't know where i've been

why is it that i sometimes feel the sexiest with frazled hair a big baggy shirt and pj's on? why do i feel the greatest accomplishment in trivial things like doing my dishes? as i brushed my hair out i had what i can only think to describe as "honest" look at myself. and it made me realize that every time i look in the mirror, i am not really seeing myself, but what i perceive myself to be. it's hard to look past what we think of ourselves sometimes. sometimes i wish i could trap that honest essence, and save it. keep it for myself? share it with someone most dear. because thats the most beautiful part, when i am just me. when there is no pretense, no awkward uncertainty. just times when i am myself and being happy doing it. it makes me wonder, if whatever 'me' i am now can be happy like that again. deep down i hope that some day, one day things will be good again.

*hear* The Last Unicorn *heart*

at work last night,this song got stuck on my head. and i love it because it is beautiful and say. the last unicorn has always been one of my favorite movies,and it probably always will. i hope you enjoy it as much as i do....*warm fuzzies*

stong or stupid

sometimes i wonder why i put myself through this. i have good times, but at the end of the day when i am alone again, the same feelings keep coming back. the worst part is i know it isn't going to just go away. yesterday i had a good day. time took tasia and i to uvic for a tour and a play. it was nice, but when i got home to my empty house and crawled into bed, there was just me. and i was sad that i was alone.
i also realized yesterday that people will still always judge me for the way i am , and act. for things about myself that i cannot change. i would not be myself if i could change it. it is so flustering trying to explain. wash up jonny, ha ha it's a big joke. people wonder why i get so worked up about things, but they don't realize those are things i have been made fun of for many years.
oh no poor lisa got made fun of and now we can't make any jokes because she gets upset. don;t make jokes about lisa she'll throw a shoe at you.
oh lisa your life is sooo hard. fucking get over it already.

i wish i didn't need someone else to make me happy. i wish a lot of things... but wishing doesn;t make them come true, nor does it make people love you, nor does it make you happy, nor does it give hope, or relief or make time pass.. it doesn't do anything.

horatio, superstore, and the dentist

soooo i am just waitin around for my laundry. i had this wonderful plan to come over and visit with my parents( they just got back from a trip) but neither of them are here. boo urns.. i am sure at least one of them will show up before i leave but poo. anyways i had a good weekend. saturday.. i think i must have done some stuff and junk on saturday... then on hmmmm... oh poo.. i totatlly just remembered that i was suposed to pick up baloons for the show.. but i totally forgot again. woops... hahaha it;s because i am suposed to be done this stupid show. i'm not thinking about it
anyways sunday tasia and i watched the last of the horatio hornblowers.. and it was sooo epic,." THEY LOVE HIM SOOO MUCH" then we watched some of newsies but the dvd was a bitch.. sooo we took a mish to super store and i bought aladdin. and a duvet cover ... which is red and kinda shiny and awesome. then we watched aladdin... to a break.... break.. nap whatever... went to the grocery store for provisions.. mm apples. and then watched star dust which i love soooo much.. ( thank you spencer hehe)


soo i went to the dentist today.. on one side i like going to the dentist.. because i like my teeth to feel clean. however.. the dentist totally always puts guilt trips on you. well maybe not always.. but i just get this feeling they think they are better than you because they are better with cleaning their teeth. not that i shouldn't take better care of my teeth.. but do they really have to rub it in so much. i'm really not to change what i do unless i decide to do it myself. no amount of nagging is going to do it for me. it;s the same with everything. but at least the good thing is.. when i decide to do something. it gets done.

dududu wtf are my parents...

i wonder

i really do.. if it was something i did along the way. personally i thought i did a lot for you. i wonder how you feel about the people who used to be your good friends. the ones you never see anymore. at the time i thought it was a nice gesture. a nice gift... until today i realized it wasn't entirely mine. it is a simple gesture but your sentiments are clear. it is a sore spot with me, anyone will be able to see. i just wonder why. don;t worry a few more months and you will be rid of me, but until then.. i will look after your fish...


on a side note a funny thought has just occurred to me... i will not mention it thought.. i will see and wait what happens...

oblivious

i live in my own little world that people pass in and out of. sometimes i really don't know what i am doing. it isn't an excuse. it's just that i'm to caught up in my own precious world to notice anyone else. especially now. now that i have decided to let go and try to act for me. whatever will make me happy. whatever i feel like doing. i'm trying to push my guilt aside. though it is a tough bitch to fight. and avoid thinking about others needs first. i don't want to do this forever. it just feels i need to break free from the something i was before. the only fear i have is that i will not get that part back. not that it is gone all together now. it;s just that if i let it go , throw caution into the wind... will i ever catch it again.
i don't want to hurt anyone. it isn't my intent. on the other hand i find it funny how quickly people jump to wanting things that they do not, or have not given to in the past. things are a mess it seems. a terrible mess. thats confusing an emotional and hurtful and junk. part of it is my fault. but i know it is not compleatly. that thought gives me comfort when i am down. there is part of me that knows things are going to get a whole lot messier before they straighten out. i don;t know why exactly. but things that i have heard things that i have seen and simply just a feeling tells me. i'm not going to actively change anything. things will happen as they may. though perhaps i'll walk a little more in reality for other people.

the day after yesterday.

thanks to kylan and michelle who game to hang with me.. eryn marth and tim who joined at fast eddies.. and jill gregoire tasia, and nathan who came later on. thanks for spending my birthday with me you helped to make it a billion times better than last year. not that i was that hard.
i am still torn as to how i feel about my birthday. there is part of me that wants to celebrate, and part of me that doesn't care. perhaps when i am much older i will be different.

currently i am hella tired. i had to wake up early yesterday and did so again today. then trying to get things done is tedious when people steal or clean up my materials while i am using them. regardless my toil is nearly completed. i only have a few more notes for myself to finish up. it;s good i am sick of looking at the stupid set. i am tired... i'm going to have a nap before work.

having a near life experience

it sucks when the internet gets boring. haha currently i am again waiting for work. hopefully work is better that it was last time. i was soo retardedly clumsy. o well. at least i will not have to stay as late.. mm and hopefully that delicious honey garlic black pepper pork is on the buffet mmm delicious. more and more i am finding that i am getting restless. i want to go out i want to be see. i want a lot of attention. i just feel like i need to do things. like i have never been to the queens or any bar other than 70 really... so yea. does anyone want go go with me? i dunno. even if we go out on random adventures or something that would satisfy me.. i can't wait for this show to be over. after the show finishes it is only like a month till summer vacation. YAY.

another yay is they took part of the scaffolding down today. soon they will be done perhaps. eeee.
i cannot wait for you guys to come over and see what i have done. jill as seen it.. don;t tell jill, it;s a surprise! dududud. hm hm hm .

yesterdat baught 5 shirts for 5 dollars each.. they are awesome and i heart them. they make me feel hot. nice nice.. hmm my mind is like everywhere right now.. it feels like a jack russle with ADD. boo urns. i guess i should get ready for work then...

anyways.. if anyone want to go out or do something and i am free i am in. dudud much love. lisa

stuff and junk

i'm tired. ahaha and just wasting time before work. so this will be short. ish .. maybe.. whatever...
worked on the set today got lots of painting done which was good. not that there is much to do. burned my picking with a stupid glue gun.. they are one of my archrivals.... staplers too. anyways it hurts and is annoying. yesterday was nice, though i did not do think that i kind wanted. but it was not manditory for me to do them so .. whatever. nice relaxing day yesterday, with our ladies sausage fest . hehe . and movies and junk.

party on gabe was super fun. i was inibreated for many hours.. and i stayed awake. are you not all proud of me. though i was very inibriated and can only kind piece together the epicness of the night. everyone needs to post their pics so that i can look and remember! eee hehehe

o well time for work. tasia we know what we want.. lets go find it. eheehehe

enough is enough

why are somedays just ment to turn bad. i work up this morning to fucking workers banging at my wall. i moved to the living room to sleep some more. then when i get up i clean up, exercise, eat, shower, decide to wear something nice because i feel good about today. as soon as i walk into the green room i get ridiculed for not showing up to the meetings today. i guess because i always show up means that is it is a special occasion to bug me for missing it. i thought i would take a little extra time for myself so sue me. fine whatever. then as soon as i see jill it's more getting made fun of. didn;t i have enough of that last night... constantly.. fine whatever ha ha .. its a big joke. i haven;t even done anything. so why is it being thrown in my face so much, and even provoked... a joke is a joke. but making an uncomfortable situation for me into more of one is not funny. i can take a joke , i can take being bugged about something that i have done or messed up on every now and then. what i cant take is constantly being made fun of for something cannot control. sure you say . maybe i could have controlled it by saying no. sorry i don;t like coming off as a bitch for no reason. i didn't think it was that big of a deal. apparently i;m wrong. if you feel the need to make fun of me for this go a head and do it behind my back or something because at least then i won;t have to listen to it.. but don't expect me to put up with it to my face, because it got real old real fast. and i will either get angry, and none of you want to see me actually angry, or i wont bother being around to hear it. jill you know what it;s like to be constantly bugged about something. it makes feel like junk, and get you all frusterated. and what did i really do to deserve it? i think that is fare. you guys have had your fun. and yea go ahead make a joke every now and then about it.. but i don;t wanna hear it all the time. i won;t put up with it.

so now i am in a pissy mood. i come home check the mail. h i have a letter i have to pick up. it was delivered yesterday it says i can pick it up.. oh wait it;s not fucking where it should be... wasted trip. stupid fucking canada post so now i am nice and pissed off. horay for work in two hours. today sucks

i am tired. you all know how i am feeling so i won't really bother to mention it. i'm starting to feel like a broken record and i hate it.
i have to admit i think i look absolutely stunning right now. i just got off work. my hair was in braids and now my hair is all kinky and a little tossled. my make-up has mostly worn off, but you can still kinda get the sense of it. i am wearing my baggy grey pj pants that have paint on them ( everything i own has paint on it ) and my greenish tank top. when i look in the mirror, if i didn't know it already i could tell that i am tired. but still i think i look beautiful. i am almost disappointed whenever i get to looking this way because it is never a look you can re create. it just happens. and normally no one gets to see it. i like the way my hair is growing out , it looks good down .

i am getting so close to finishing my application. i am doing well, mm alright with keeping up with tasks i have to do. the set is nearly constructed which means i will have lots of work to paint and decorate it. no really looking forward to it. but then again i'm not really looking forward to anything. except summer maybe hmm and loosing my chubby tummy. and i guess school to be over... so i guess ther are things...but nothing really to get excited over.

i couldn't say it better...

I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around


Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I'm happy here
Sometimes, yet I still pretend
I can't remember how this got started
But I can tell you exactly how it will end


I'm writing on a little piece of paper
I'm hoping someday you might find
Well I'll hide it behind something
They won't look behind
I'm still inside here
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could have been any other way
But I just don't know, I don't know what else I can do


i can't wait to get away, so i can stop this

Grr

i'm tired of people being on my case about not eating lots of different things... I FUCKING EAT VEGETABLES. i eat them quite a bit in fact. so what they arn;t peppers or onions or turnips or whatever. i've tried those things i don;t like them. i'm not going to force myself to eat something when i know i don;t like it.. not when i can eat what i like. I've tried a lot of things other people have no. Sorry i don;t like them .. sorry i was raised eating the food that i do .

i'm tired of hearing about the STUPID FUCKING PRODUCTION TABLE. yea i volunteered to do it because no one else would. any yea i had lots of time, but i also had lots to do. it;s not like i was sitting around doing fuck all. i did try to do something about it two .. i tried three times to get on it. those didn;t really work out. fixing things like that is not what i am good at... and you know what it;s not like people offered up any help. and so again this year i got stuck with it... but that doesn;t mean i have any more fucking time. and now the job has passed on. good i don;t want it. did it get fixed right away. No. so spencer starts shooting his mouth off saying he could do it no problem.. well go at er get you team together and fix it . not like you could have helped earlier on . i just want it done so i can stop hearing about it. so people will stop throwing my failure in my face because i am fucking sick of it .

i get so angry with the way people treat me sometimes cuz i fucking deserve better. i work hard. i'm a good person. i treat people like they deserve. i fucking deserve better.
this is only a few people. i'm just glad a i see how they treat me, so i can spend my time with the people who will treat me better

no peace i find. just an old sweet song... keeps georgia on my mind

i dunno if it sounds as strange as it feels.. but i find i feel odd when i don;t have anything that i have to do,, well no pressing matter anyways.. there is always something i should be doing. hmm hmmh hmm dudud . i am getting better. i had a good nights sleep last night and am looking forward to tonight. especially since i don't have to wake up ridiculously early. yay. been working at my over all goal of self improvement. hopefully i can keep it up. it normally starts off good then i lose motivation. however i am constantly reminded of why i want to improve so i think it will keep me going. go lisa go lisa.
over all i don't have a plan. i've given up trying to make things how i think they should be or i would really like them to be. things that won;t be , cant be forced, it's really just a waste of energy. i'm takin it as it comes to me. which may not be the best way to go , but at least i am going somewhere. i'm not a genius. but i know things. i hate it when it is assumed , or i am treated like i don't. no sense getting mad. i find it kinda funny , kinda sad, kinda not surprising... hmmm but suppose i cant judge. i guess it was me again, well no... it isn't if anything i would have just made things easier... it there was any effort. haha . word are so funny sometimes, once in a while they can have great meaning, but most of the time they mean nothing at all... hahah oh words , how you mock us in our daily lives. .. fuck you empty words...
sometimes i wish i didn't need to be loved. i wish i could stop thinking about it so i didn;t have to write it so much. writing helps me think though... and that just happens to be what i think about. anyways i've had enough of this garbage. i complain to much about things that can't really be helped.. or changed really... it's stupid. end of story.

i might just go back to bed

well here we are, Sunday. it seems most of us are sick with this horrible whatever. i hope all your sicknesses do not progress as much as mine. i went to the clinic yesterday to get checked out. i was telling tim how i currently have to sleep sitting up because i start violently coughing if don't. and he got me all freaked out that i could be getting phnemonia... which would suck big salty balls. went to the clinic waited like an hr and a 1/2, saw a doctor. he didn't tell me anything.. just prescribed me some antibiotics and sent me on my way.. i suppose it doesn't matter as long as i get better. and don't have to bloody sleep sitting up grr

i kinda wish it would rain today. right now it is sunnyish... i don;t plan on going out much today. i want to relax in this time i have and feel better. rain would just make inside more cozy, that and i like to hear the sound of rain. there is something about it that makes me happy. maybe thats why i haven't been happy too much snow , not enough rain. heh. yea right.

I wonder if i have done something wrong.you never mentioned anything. i never asked for anything except the money i was owed. thought. i cooked, i cleaned. i actually scrub the bathroom and junk. i always take out the garbages and recycling. is 5 dishes too much to do? it;s been two weeks and i am tired of looking at them so you win, i'll do them like i generally do when you arn't around. i'm tired of being alone, suppose i kinda feel abandoned,i thought i was there for you whenever you where down. i suppose it doesn;t really matter now. you took all your clothes and some other things. i guess i'm just waiting for when you take everything, for the day you tell me that your gone for good. if that day comes i wonder what i will do. i can;t leave, i'm stuck here.

i'm so tired right now. though i am in an ok enough mood. i guess i can;t expect to be too productive or energetic being sick and junk. i have been busy.... not that it;s anything new more me. yesterday was alright... kinda crazy. More work than it should have been in cases. it's a good thing tim showed up haha cuz i probably would have had to call him anyways. after the show, and cleaning up:P tasia and i stopped to get some wine( since two people in my family told me to drink it to get better.. isn;t that funny hehe i think so ) we just chilled listened to some music and had a merry ol' time. it was nice just to talk with someone bout what your thinkin. i'm sad the rest of you are all sick to. maybe i should make some home made chicken noodle soup. hehe
i need to go grocery shopping anyways... we will see we will see.

i hope i have the energy to paint today.. i have a cool idea .. i think. thought... i might just go back to bed for now. if anyone wants to visit feel free. i like the company

a cookie taught me about life

" you will find happiness in contentment"
"make up your mind and do what you want to do"
" your deepest desires will be granted"
" you will be deeply loved"
" you business will assume vast proportions"

i munch on fortune cookies at work. is it lame that i keep some of the fortunes i get? it's nice to think that good things will happen in the future. it's also funny how a random inspiration that someone wrote, that you happen to by chance could reflect your life. anyways there is wisdom everywhere, sometimes it might just come from a cookie. hehe

anyways. i think i am getting better. i gave up trying to do what i supposed to be the bes thing and just decided to live. because what i was doing wasn't making me any happier. in fact i was quite miserable. also things are looking a little less stressful. still working on improving myself though, eat better and such. i want go get rid of my tummy chub.. that magicall appeared.. hahah who knows how that got there.... hehehe. anyways hopefully i can make some good habits thats stick.

work last night and tonight was ridiculous.. last night was the start of Chinese new year and tonight there was only two of us. which made it seem super busy. but i made good tips so i cannot complain. have a gig all day tomorrow. and sunday off!!!!!! i am excited for it.. tasia and i might go to victoria for fun... or i might just do whatever who knows the possibilities are endless.
long day tomorrow. lisa needs sleepy.