Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
future thoughts and a depressing denument
68 Thingies! from martha
1. Single or Taken - Single
2. Zodiac sign - pices
3. Birthday - march 3rd
4. Male or Female - fem ale
5. Preschool- some church basement i think
6. Elementary - rutherford
7. Middle - negative does not compute
8. High School -Dover
9. Eye color- grey blue
10. Hair color - brown... but spicey red
Are you a health freak? ahahahahahhah no.
12. Height - 5'4" :)
13. Do you love someone - yes indeed
14. Is that someone in your school - yes
15. Piercings you have - ear lobes and a rook
16. Righty or lefty - righty
FIRSTS :
17. First piercing- my ears
18. First sport - fastball
19. First pet - misty my grey kitty
20. First vacation - does camping count ?
21. First crush - my first hard core crush was levi in grade 5
22. First love - james
23. First boyfriend/girlfriend- well there was shane.... but i'm gonna have to say james
CURRENTLY :
24. Eating - nothing
25. Drinking- apple juice box
26. Listening to - nothing
27. Wanting to see/speak to - josh and kyle or spencer
YOUR FUTURE:
28. Want kids - yes
29. Want to get married - Yes, eventually...
30. Job - an artist
31. Where will you live - anywhere
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
32. Lips or eyes- Eyes.
33. Looks or personality- Personality, when you like someone for who they are they become more attractive to you anyways
34. Athletic or lazy - i don't think those two work as a contrast...
35. Intelligence or attraction? Attraction i guess but i think its hot when a guy knows alot about something.. but isn't pompus about telling you
36. Romantic or spontaneous- both
37. Body or mind?-mind
38. Tall or short- Tall and skinny
39. Shy or outgoing- outgoing.
40. Older or Younger? - doesn't matter
HAVE YOU EVER :
41. Kissed a stranger- i don;t think so
42. Lost glasses/contacts - yes...*sigh*
43. Ran away from home - noop
44. Broken any bones- my collar bone
45. Broken someone's heart - yes
46. Been arrested- Negative
47. Cried when someone died - yes
48. Liked a friend - yea
49. Been cheated on - not to my knowledge
50. Seen porn- gay for pay!
51. Snuck out - no ,
52. Been called a slut- not to my face, so i dunno
53. Got in a fist fight - no, but i think it would be fun
54. Shoplifted- kinda
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
55. Yourself - most of the time, sometimes i'm not so sure
56. Miracles- not really
57. Love at first sight - no
58. Santa Claus - nope.
59. sex on the first date - i don;t think so ..
60. Kissing on the first date - yea
61. Angels - no
62. God - not specifically,
63. Gay Marriage - yea
64. Abortion - a womans body is her own
65. Barack Obama - i feel dumb cuz i don't know who this is
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY : (isnt that what I've been doing?)
66. Is there anyone you would really like to be with right now? yes.
67. Have you really liked someone that you shouldn't have? hahaha yes
68. Have more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? Negative
thats was a nice warm up, i like surveys, but you cant do the all the time cuz it;s just the same questions over again. they are fun because sometimes you get to say things about your life where you would not normally get to say. i dunno.
it was weird today. i was at work and it randomly occured to me that one day, someone is going to want to spend the rest of their life with me. i found that though very assuring. i thought about myself, i am beautiful, pleasant kind, kinda funny, i am talented. ext ext. i am many amiable qualities and one day some one will realize and love all that and stuff... i dunno, i guess i didn;t get that far on the thought train, but whatever it gave me something nice to think about while i was cleaning.. and then i thought what kind of man will i end up with? i have no clue, i really could not think.. i guess thats good though.. too many women have their ideal man and they miss one that might not fit perfectly into their plan... but w.e i dunno
ha ha i did alot of thinking today. and got two things out of the way, what an efficiant day.
anyways i also pondered as i drove, about how unfortunate this has been. the end to what was an amazing exciting thing, was merely a fizzleing out. as my mind likes to see it. no big drama , no passion, just meh, and it's almost as if there was never anything there. except ya know that love i find myself repressing, but it doesn't really matter i don;t think.
i think my biggest uneasyness is that although i do, at the same time i dont understand.. why. not that it matters now anyways.
i am getting quite sleepy, today was an exausting day, as with the next few be as well. next week will be no different. why is it i have been waiting for things to be over, i want somethign to start.
oh well oh well, one day things will be set in a way. i am looking forward to that life. i do not think i am much for this atm. who knows.
i am excited for your visit , i am excited for mine.
1. Single or Taken - Single
2. Zodiac sign - pices
3. Birthday - march 3rd
4. Male or Female - fem ale
5. Preschool- some church basement i think
6. Elementary - rutherford
7. Middle - negative does not compute
8. High School -Dover
9. Eye color- grey blue
10. Hair color - brown... but spicey red
Are you a health freak? ahahahahahhah no.
12. Height - 5'4" :)
13. Do you love someone - yes indeed
14. Is that someone in your school - yes
15. Piercings you have - ear lobes and a rook
16. Righty or lefty - righty
FIRSTS :
17. First piercing- my ears
18. First sport - fastball
19. First pet - misty my grey kitty
20. First vacation - does camping count ?
21. First crush - my first hard core crush was levi in grade 5
22. First love - james
23. First boyfriend/girlfriend- well there was shane.... but i'm gonna have to say james
CURRENTLY :
24. Eating - nothing
25. Drinking- apple juice box
26. Listening to - nothing
27. Wanting to see/speak to - josh and kyle or spencer
YOUR FUTURE:
28. Want kids - yes
29. Want to get married - Yes, eventually...
30. Job - an artist
31. Where will you live - anywhere
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
32. Lips or eyes- Eyes.
33. Looks or personality- Personality, when you like someone for who they are they become more attractive to you anyways
34. Athletic or lazy - i don't think those two work as a contrast...
35. Intelligence or attraction? Attraction i guess but i think its hot when a guy knows alot about something.. but isn't pompus about telling you
36. Romantic or spontaneous- both
37. Body or mind?-mind
38. Tall or short- Tall and skinny
39. Shy or outgoing- outgoing.
40. Older or Younger? - doesn't matter
HAVE YOU EVER :
41. Kissed a stranger- i don;t think so
42. Lost glasses/contacts - yes...*sigh*
43. Ran away from home - noop
44. Broken any bones- my collar bone
45. Broken someone's heart - yes
46. Been arrested- Negative
47. Cried when someone died - yes
48. Liked a friend - yea
49. Been cheated on - not to my knowledge
50. Seen porn- gay for pay!
51. Snuck out - no ,
52. Been called a slut- not to my face, so i dunno
53. Got in a fist fight - no, but i think it would be fun
54. Shoplifted- kinda
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
55. Yourself - most of the time, sometimes i'm not so sure
56. Miracles- not really
57. Love at first sight - no
58. Santa Claus - nope.
59. sex on the first date - i don;t think so ..
60. Kissing on the first date - yea
61. Angels - no
62. God - not specifically,
63. Gay Marriage - yea
64. Abortion - a womans body is her own
65. Barack Obama - i feel dumb cuz i don't know who this is
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY : (isnt that what I've been doing?)
66. Is there anyone you would really like to be with right now? yes.
67. Have you really liked someone that you shouldn't have? hahaha yes
68. Have more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? Negative
thats was a nice warm up, i like surveys, but you cant do the all the time cuz it;s just the same questions over again. they are fun because sometimes you get to say things about your life where you would not normally get to say. i dunno.
it was weird today. i was at work and it randomly occured to me that one day, someone is going to want to spend the rest of their life with me. i found that though very assuring. i thought about myself, i am beautiful, pleasant kind, kinda funny, i am talented. ext ext. i am many amiable qualities and one day some one will realize and love all that and stuff... i dunno, i guess i didn;t get that far on the thought train, but whatever it gave me something nice to think about while i was cleaning.. and then i thought what kind of man will i end up with? i have no clue, i really could not think.. i guess thats good though.. too many women have their ideal man and they miss one that might not fit perfectly into their plan... but w.e i dunno
ha ha i did alot of thinking today. and got two things out of the way, what an efficiant day.
anyways i also pondered as i drove, about how unfortunate this has been. the end to what was an amazing exciting thing, was merely a fizzleing out. as my mind likes to see it. no big drama , no passion, just meh, and it's almost as if there was never anything there. except ya know that love i find myself repressing, but it doesn't really matter i don;t think.
i think my biggest uneasyness is that although i do, at the same time i dont understand.. why. not that it matters now anyways.
i am getting quite sleepy, today was an exausting day, as with the next few be as well. next week will be no different. why is it i have been waiting for things to be over, i want somethign to start.
oh well oh well, one day things will be set in a way. i am looking forward to that life. i do not think i am much for this atm. who knows.
i am excited for your visit , i am excited for mine.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
sometimes i want to fucking scream
was it so bad? that everyone else saw but me. did you treat me like shit and i just didn't notice, are you just trying to make me feel better.
why do you say it's for the best? do you know something i don't.
i want to hit the wall until one of us bleeds. that is my urge right now. but i won't do it because in my head i know it;s fucking stupid. and now i;m fucking crying cuz i don;t know what to do with myself. i want to run away. to forget all about my life right now. forget because i don;t understand why things happened the way they did. was i just a blind fool. how long did you humor me to make me happy. congrats it fucking worked.. but i'm sure you knew it would. go along and have you party, i'll watch from the sideline till i get up enough fucking guts to leave.
it must have been true. cuz you do all the same shit now, exept you just arnt there to pick up the pieces all the time.
... i just don't want to feel like this anymore. i have your picture. should i just put it away? not see you not talk to you? would that help or make it worse. but your the only one who knows. who knows how this feels right now. i guess it doesn;t matter i already feel alone. almost all the time. i know the rest of you will say you are there and i know you mean to be, but nothing you can say can help. i need what none of you can give.
go a head and have your party, i'll stay here until have the will power to leave. don't worry, you won't miss me when i;m gone, you might not even notice.
why do you say it's for the best? do you know something i don't.
i want to hit the wall until one of us bleeds. that is my urge right now. but i won't do it because in my head i know it;s fucking stupid. and now i;m fucking crying cuz i don;t know what to do with myself. i want to run away. to forget all about my life right now. forget because i don;t understand why things happened the way they did. was i just a blind fool. how long did you humor me to make me happy. congrats it fucking worked.. but i'm sure you knew it would. go along and have you party, i'll watch from the sideline till i get up enough fucking guts to leave.
it must have been true. cuz you do all the same shit now, exept you just arnt there to pick up the pieces all the time.
... i just don't want to feel like this anymore. i have your picture. should i just put it away? not see you not talk to you? would that help or make it worse. but your the only one who knows. who knows how this feels right now. i guess it doesn;t matter i already feel alone. almost all the time. i know the rest of you will say you are there and i know you mean to be, but nothing you can say can help. i need what none of you can give.
go a head and have your party, i'll stay here until have the will power to leave. don't worry, you won't miss me when i;m gone, you might not even notice.
my Christmas wish list
i want to be curled in someones arms right now. i don't care which per se, just some good, male(sorry tasia*winkwink*)arms.
i want to feel wanted and appreciated.
i want to be able to give myself to someone. someone who will give themselves back.
i want to be kissed like i remember kissing someone used to be like
i want to go for a walk at night time and maybe getting lost
i want to be able to sleep next to someone. to wake up and cuddle.
i want butterflies
i want to be taken out on a date, to be treated special
i want to be told i;m beautiful and feel like i really am.
i want to be wanted, lusted after, and maybe to lust back. a girl has got needs that need for fillin'
i want to cuddle
to feel stable and safe
i want someone to notice and enjoy that my skin is soft.
someone to laugh at my horrible jokes, to think i am fun and quirky
i want someone who calls me to see what i am up to, who wants to see me
i want my evil, my smurf, my sir, my barnacle, my goth, my cupcake, my mr who the fuck knows , my knight in any kind of armor to find me.
i want what i cannot have and will not have for what seems quite a while.
i want to be ok with that
" i don't want a lot for Christmas , there is just one thing i need, i don't care about the presents, underneath the Christmas tree.. "
... and to all a good night
i want to feel wanted and appreciated.
i want to be able to give myself to someone. someone who will give themselves back.
i want to be kissed like i remember kissing someone used to be like
i want to go for a walk at night time and maybe getting lost
i want to be able to sleep next to someone. to wake up and cuddle.
i want butterflies
i want to be taken out on a date, to be treated special
i want to be told i;m beautiful and feel like i really am.
i want to be wanted, lusted after, and maybe to lust back. a girl has got needs that need for fillin'
i want to cuddle
to feel stable and safe
i want someone to notice and enjoy that my skin is soft.
someone to laugh at my horrible jokes, to think i am fun and quirky
i want someone who calls me to see what i am up to, who wants to see me
i want my evil, my smurf, my sir, my barnacle, my goth, my cupcake, my mr who the fuck knows , my knight in any kind of armor to find me.
i want what i cannot have and will not have for what seems quite a while.
i want to be ok with that
" i don't want a lot for Christmas , there is just one thing i need, i don't care about the presents, underneath the Christmas tree.. "
... and to all a good night
Monday, November 19, 2007
why certainly , what's certain
i'm not really sure of much at the moment. it seems that there are too many variables floating in the air. or perhaps its just cuz i am a little foggy today. thought i am sure tomorrow will hold no mighty answers. how can you be sure exactly how you feel about something when it always seems to be different or flip back and forth depending where you are . or what you are doing. i always seem to have something in mind but something will come up that changes that. is it like that for everyone or am i just horribly indecisive. i know i suck at making decisions, but this almost goes past that. how do you know what you really really feel???
today was a bad/good/ mediocre day. curse you print making. whatever i'm all caught up and i only have one project left. np.
i wish i had a stable life, ha good luck with workin in theatre, i have no desire to be on the edge or go out and be crazy. i like to stay in and have a good time with the people that matter to me..
does that make me lame. i know i don;t like to try things, but does the fact that i have simple pleasues bring down my kewl marks as well?
bad lisa brain, stay on one topic....
one day i will understand where this is all going, right now there is no use fighting. one day life will turn out in my favor. something, someone will be there with me.
to think i went all the way to the school after work to get my computer because i wasn't tired... and now i am .. pft,
good night my love.
~lisa~
today was a bad/good/ mediocre day. curse you print making. whatever i'm all caught up and i only have one project left. np.
i wish i had a stable life, ha good luck with workin in theatre, i have no desire to be on the edge or go out and be crazy. i like to stay in and have a good time with the people that matter to me..
does that make me lame. i know i don;t like to try things, but does the fact that i have simple pleasues bring down my kewl marks as well?
bad lisa brain, stay on one topic....
one day i will understand where this is all going, right now there is no use fighting. one day life will turn out in my favor. something, someone will be there with me.
to think i went all the way to the school after work to get my computer because i wasn't tired... and now i am .. pft,
good night my love.
~lisa~
Friday, November 16, 2007
so many blogs latley
but i guess i have a lot on my mind. i looks like i will be spending tonight alone again. *sigh* st least tomorrow will be different.
ok so i am pretty sore in some spots from basket ball yesterday, like my arms a bit, my sternum, and the spot where spencer kneed me in the ovaries. i guess it was all worth it because it was pretty fun.
today, just did some work op stuff, yay future money. then i sat around with kylan, not doing my art project, and then i came home and cleaned my balcony, and some of my house, someone has got to do it. decorated a bit, then jill and tasia and i when on a costco adventure. there where so many wonderful things there. tasia definatly did not buy 2lbs of truffles ahahaha ...
and then to walmart where we met a lisa m, i baught some christmas lights, yay festiveness. then to work which was lame and slow. o well , at least i don;t hate it.. and .. and i get saturday and sunday off. which is sweet, but now i just realize i dunno what i will do.. hmm i'll figure somethign out.. perhaps i will knit... which is kinda what i wanna do now cuz i wanns finish my rents present before christmas but i am le tired....
so i will probably sit around a bit then off to bed.
so good night ,
see ya
~lisa~
in my heart i always hope, but my head knows i will get nothing in return
ok so i am pretty sore in some spots from basket ball yesterday, like my arms a bit, my sternum, and the spot where spencer kneed me in the ovaries. i guess it was all worth it because it was pretty fun.
today, just did some work op stuff, yay future money. then i sat around with kylan, not doing my art project, and then i came home and cleaned my balcony, and some of my house, someone has got to do it. decorated a bit, then jill and tasia and i when on a costco adventure. there where so many wonderful things there. tasia definatly did not buy 2lbs of truffles ahahaha ...
and then to walmart where we met a lisa m, i baught some christmas lights, yay festiveness. then to work which was lame and slow. o well , at least i don;t hate it.. and .. and i get saturday and sunday off. which is sweet, but now i just realize i dunno what i will do.. hmm i'll figure somethign out.. perhaps i will knit... which is kinda what i wanna do now cuz i wanns finish my rents present before christmas but i am le tired....
so i will probably sit around a bit then off to bed.
so good night ,
see ya
~lisa~
in my heart i always hope, but my head knows i will get nothing in return
maybe be i wanted me to be nothing special
so tired right now.
today while i was waiting i got restless. it was a very frustrating / angry day for me i am not sure exactly why. it just started that way and continued. anyways i was getting annoyed that nothing could keep me entertained, so i went out, i wasn't quite sure where i was going. it was raining so hard, i love it when it is like that. i would have walked around outside if i had felt safe doing it alone. i ended up getting a coffee and driving to departure bay beach. i sat in my . my car a while listening to the waves and rain. i resolved to stop feeling sad, even if i have to feel nothing for a little while. i hate crying all the time. i sat there a while.. until i got restless once again and just started driving. where ever , it didn;t matter as long as i was going somewhere. i thought about josh, he offered that i move out with them next year to victoria, if i could go anywhere that is where i would be able to go. the thought will remain with me i think,. but i do not thing that i am ready just yet,we will see i know you want me to go, so you can get on with you life and i with mine. but even without you i am not ready. sorry to dissapoint
swimming was very fin tonight. i really love swimming. my dad used to take us all the time, i hope i get to come again. i apologize if i was rather rough at basketball. i think that it was a combination of my natural competative nature and some extra energy i needed to get rid of. i'm sorry if i was mean, it's really just a front. i just don't wanna be sad anymore...
why does this weekend seem like it will be really lonley.arg enough. fuck fuck fuck enough
today while i was waiting i got restless. it was a very frustrating / angry day for me i am not sure exactly why. it just started that way and continued. anyways i was getting annoyed that nothing could keep me entertained, so i went out, i wasn't quite sure where i was going. it was raining so hard, i love it when it is like that. i would have walked around outside if i had felt safe doing it alone. i ended up getting a coffee and driving to departure bay beach. i sat in my . my car a while listening to the waves and rain. i resolved to stop feeling sad, even if i have to feel nothing for a little while. i hate crying all the time. i sat there a while.. until i got restless once again and just started driving. where ever , it didn;t matter as long as i was going somewhere. i thought about josh, he offered that i move out with them next year to victoria, if i could go anywhere that is where i would be able to go. the thought will remain with me i think,. but i do not thing that i am ready just yet,we will see i know you want me to go, so you can get on with you life and i with mine. but even without you i am not ready. sorry to dissapoint
swimming was very fin tonight. i really love swimming. my dad used to take us all the time, i hope i get to come again. i apologize if i was rather rough at basketball. i think that it was a combination of my natural competative nature and some extra energy i needed to get rid of. i'm sorry if i was mean, it's really just a front. i just don't wanna be sad anymore...
why does this weekend seem like it will be really lonley.arg enough. fuck fuck fuck enough
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
why are we made to put up with this. i just don't wanna do it , not right now, not any of it. i don't want a job, i don't want to go to school, i don't want any of it... i don't know what i want. i feel so vulnerable. i want to collapse and watch the world rush by me. i want to be caught. i want to be safe. i won't be caught. i don't want this. i want to feel something other than i what i feel right now.
i have so many questions, but i doubt i will get answers.
i don't want to deal with any of this thing called life.
yes i'm aware i;m probably being over dramatic. but thats how i feel, so go a head and think what you like and i will feel my shitty feelings and we can both go on our ways.
i think i'll sit a while
i need to collect myself, the part i still have, it;s falling to pieces can;t you see, of course you can't. no one can.part of me has dissapeared. i don't know when i lost it or how but apparent;y i am not to blame. what is to blame.
i think i'll sit a while ,
i need to be put back together
sad, hurt, lonley, confussed, unattactive, unwanted, betrayed, cast asside, ugly, worthless, unmotivated confused, lonley, unwanted, sad, hurt, confused lonley, confused lonely hurt sad, sad , confused unwanted, sad, lonley sad, sad sad sad sad
alone
i have so many questions, but i doubt i will get answers.
i don't want to deal with any of this thing called life.
yes i'm aware i;m probably being over dramatic. but thats how i feel, so go a head and think what you like and i will feel my shitty feelings and we can both go on our ways.
i think i'll sit a while
i need to collect myself, the part i still have, it;s falling to pieces can;t you see, of course you can't. no one can.part of me has dissapeared. i don't know when i lost it or how but apparent;y i am not to blame. what is to blame.
i think i'll sit a while ,
i need to be put back together
sad, hurt, lonley, confussed, unattactive, unwanted, betrayed, cast asside, ugly, worthless, unmotivated confused, lonley, unwanted, sad, hurt, confused lonley, confused lonely hurt sad, sad , confused unwanted, sad, lonley sad, sad sad sad sad
alone
Monday, November 12, 2007
i'm not taking this so well anymore. loneliness and confession have set in. i've been sleeping dreaming on the couch until now. dreaming stupid dreams thats my mind makes up. i know they are not reality. but i can't get you to take away my poison thoughts anymore. they seed in my mind and grow like weeds. they fight reality.
i feel kinda lost, terribly unmotivated, confused. i keep thinking what i could have done to help you be happy. the worst part is this is only partial realization. there is a part of my that imagines this is only for a short while. that within a month or two this will all be but a bad dream. but you asked me not to take you back. how can i possibly begin to fulfill that request when all i want is you back. but at the same time i want you to be happy for the long run.
i want to curl into a ball and cry. but i know it will not help. there isn't anything i can do. i am helpless. it feels like i have been alone forever, it seems like so long since i have seen someone.
i want to come to you. to make sure i;m still here. but i can't ... can i. i don't know what i can do.
i don't want to be alone. but i'm afraid that if i see anyone i will just start crying.. i hate crying in front of people. i'm even more afraid of school. i think that i will only be able to block out the truth for so long before i break down. fuck it's not like it matters anyways. nothing seems to matter atm.
i feel kinda lost, terribly unmotivated, confused. i keep thinking what i could have done to help you be happy. the worst part is this is only partial realization. there is a part of my that imagines this is only for a short while. that within a month or two this will all be but a bad dream. but you asked me not to take you back. how can i possibly begin to fulfill that request when all i want is you back. but at the same time i want you to be happy for the long run.
i want to curl into a ball and cry. but i know it will not help. there isn't anything i can do. i am helpless. it feels like i have been alone forever, it seems like so long since i have seen someone.
i want to come to you. to make sure i;m still here. but i can't ... can i. i don't know what i can do.
i don't want to be alone. but i'm afraid that if i see anyone i will just start crying.. i hate crying in front of people. i'm even more afraid of school. i think that i will only be able to block out the truth for so long before i break down. fuck it's not like it matters anyways. nothing seems to matter atm.
Sunday, November 11, 2007
comfortably numb
a state of shock. limbo.
this will probably hurt more tomorrow.and twice as much the next day. right now i understand. i am calm, tired, sedated. i understand. i'm dreading the time when the loneliness sets in. when i won't understand anymore. we are funny creatures you and i... i think we always have been.
i hope so much that you find what you need. i hope you find what i could not. at lease i have comfort in knowing i let you do what you needed, i love you enough to know i might not be the best thing for you. there is a hope that one day we will find each other a new ...
i concede. there is no more worrying as to when this time will come because it has passed. my nerves are set free. though it seems a part of me is missing, i will endure. because thats all i can do
no matter what, i'll love you for the rest of my life
goodnight, tomorrow will be a very different day.
this will probably hurt more tomorrow.and twice as much the next day. right now i understand. i am calm, tired, sedated. i understand. i'm dreading the time when the loneliness sets in. when i won't understand anymore. we are funny creatures you and i... i think we always have been.
i hope so much that you find what you need. i hope you find what i could not. at lease i have comfort in knowing i let you do what you needed, i love you enough to know i might not be the best thing for you. there is a hope that one day we will find each other a new ...
i concede. there is no more worrying as to when this time will come because it has passed. my nerves are set free. though it seems a part of me is missing, i will endure. because thats all i can do
the farther I fall I'm beside you
as lost as I get I will find you
the deeper the wound I'm inside you
for ever and ever I'm a part of
as lost as I get I will find you
the deeper the wound I'm inside you
for ever and ever I'm a part of
no matter what, i'll love you for the rest of my life
goodnight, tomorrow will be a very different day.
Friday, November 02, 2007
warm fuzzies and two pink dicks
you know what i've decided. that we as a group are really caring... like i know be talk about each other and are mean sometimes.. but we don;t really mean it. take the party last night, thank you james you are awesome btw, there where lots of little spills and hick ups and way to drunkenness, but evryhting is all good. becuase no matter how fucked up we are we are still looking out for each other. we help each other to the bath room when they are sick, and come and check up, we help clean up spills and any unfortunate events. and just look out after each other. last night was a spilly night. i think every one would agree. any like every time it happened like three people would rush to find tissue or paper towle.
i dunno about everyone else but i had a really good time last night. here are some things that i remember
- ditching the girls meeting then having a stomp session to combat the one downstairs with eryn and maddy.
- cock fighting with tom heheh
- dancing to no music with crowded
- becky and alex
- sitting on the stairs with Karly and alex
- attacking rick with a dildo
-wandering in circles around james main floor, floating an visiting
there are more but they do not currently come to mind.
but anyways see you all tonight, i'm off
lovelove love
i dunno about everyone else but i had a really good time last night. here are some things that i remember
- ditching the girls meeting then having a stomp session to combat the one downstairs with eryn and maddy.
- cock fighting with tom heheh
- dancing to no music with crowded
- becky and alex
- sitting on the stairs with Karly and alex
- attacking rick with a dildo
-wandering in circles around james main floor, floating an visiting
there are more but they do not currently come to mind.
but anyways see you all tonight, i'm off
lovelove love
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
you don't know the things you do for me
today and yesterday where not particularially good days for me. basically i felt like shit. i wanted to run away and hide. to forget that i had ever even thought about theatre. i feel as though i have failed this show. i was useless to help design and unable to paint the set my self. not like entirly my self but to over see it. to have my vision portrayed. no mike had to step in and make it less shity. i feel it everytime someone comments about how good the set looks, because i know it wasn't me who did it. i wasn't able to.
i;m so dissapointed in my self. i dunno what is wrong with me. normally i;m good at this, why was it so hard this time. my confidence has gone to shit at the moment. will i really be able to do this as a job? successfully? i feel small and insignificant. the only thing holding me together right now is the thought that in a short while things will go back to normal. i may be sane again. my head hurts and i am sooo tired . but i need to write this, to get my thoughts out before i loose it.
this all poses the question. if theatre is not for me what would be? there must be many things i am good at. what my dream would be ..to win the lottery and open a gallery. just do art, make things, do whatever i want . sell my wares to people. i don't know.my head hurts
i want you. i want you so bad, it's driving me mad. it's driving me mad
you make my days better
with only a kiss you melt away my frustration
and sadness
the feeling you give me is like a drug
please forgive
that i can't get enough
i love you
goodnight
p.s. one more day till opening. 12 more days till my life starts again
i want a foot massage
i;m so dissapointed in my self. i dunno what is wrong with me. normally i;m good at this, why was it so hard this time. my confidence has gone to shit at the moment. will i really be able to do this as a job? successfully? i feel small and insignificant. the only thing holding me together right now is the thought that in a short while things will go back to normal. i may be sane again. my head hurts and i am sooo tired . but i need to write this, to get my thoughts out before i loose it.
this all poses the question. if theatre is not for me what would be? there must be many things i am good at. what my dream would be ..to win the lottery and open a gallery. just do art, make things, do whatever i want . sell my wares to people. i don't know.my head hurts
i want you. i want you so bad, it's driving me mad. it's driving me mad
you make my days better
with only a kiss you melt away my frustration
and sadness
the feeling you give me is like a drug
please forgive
that i can't get enough
i love you
goodnight
p.s. one more day till opening. 12 more days till my life starts again
i want a foot massage
Monday, October 29, 2007
I want to be the starlight in the room
i wrote that phrase earlier and i think that it sounds particularialy beautiful now. which is good because thats how i intended it to sound.
"pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting through my open mind possesing and caresing me "
nothings gonna change my world
nothings gonna change my world
nothings gonna change my world
nothgins gonna change my world
images of broken light which dance before my like a million eyes. they tumble blindly as they make thier way across the universe.
i am a silly girl.silly silly. so , so that i don;t even know the extent. and a miserable wretch. sooo music is pretty much amazing. i need to get the across the universe sound track
i need to go to bed now.to sleep, per chance i may dream of you.
i ;ove you darling. tell me when you are free and inclinded to see me. i would very much an evening, night, hour, minut, in your company.
love love
"pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting through my open mind possesing and caresing me "
nothings gonna change my world
nothings gonna change my world
nothings gonna change my world
nothgins gonna change my world
images of broken light which dance before my like a million eyes. they tumble blindly as they make thier way across the universe.
i am a silly girl.silly silly. so , so that i don;t even know the extent. and a miserable wretch. sooo music is pretty much amazing. i need to get the across the universe sound track
i need to go to bed now.to sleep, per chance i may dream of you.
i ;ove you darling. tell me when you are free and inclinded to see me. i would very much an evening, night, hour, minut, in your company.
love love
Sunday, October 28, 2007
cuz we are all wasting away...
work t minus two hours. only one more shift before i get like a week off. a well deserved week off.
" screaming feed me, fill me up again" tired today and kinda grumpy. just woke up that way. not really looking forward to the next 3 days. they are going to be a lot of work. more people said they would help out. i hope it is true. i need to figure out something for the bar, like weather we are doing pre order drinks or not. i guess if i think of good system... we will see
..i'm dying my hair... but only part of it.. i wonder waht it will look like..
shower time...
i want life to go back to normal. i'm tired of not eating properly. it seems like i haven't been living anywhere, like i can't remember where i went to bed. i know that it must be here or spencers but i cannot recall specifically spending nights at either. i supose the repetative nights of work blend time together .. one more night to go . i wish i was included in your plans. i hope i will be comming up. it's like your walking and i'm trying to catch up to you. and i have to keep calling for you to wait up.
i want a new dress. i want to be compleatly gorgeouse at opening. is that a funny thing to want. to have people look at you? admire your beauty? i supose i am just vain. it's wonderful if not necessary and think yourself beautiful, but it's also amazing to have everyone else think it to. i want to be the starlight in the room.
are we doing anything on wednesday???? because if not, i think that after preview we should get together an watch a Halloween movie. i mean it will be wednesday which is movie night. and if spencer doesn;t want people over we could probably come here. i dunno. i just think it would be fun.
i'm excited to see a full run of the show. with costumes and stuff. i think it will be good.
i guess thats all i got
" screaming feed me, fill me up again" tired today and kinda grumpy. just woke up that way. not really looking forward to the next 3 days. they are going to be a lot of work. more people said they would help out. i hope it is true. i need to figure out something for the bar, like weather we are doing pre order drinks or not. i guess if i think of good system... we will see
..i'm dying my hair... but only part of it.. i wonder waht it will look like..
shower time...
i want life to go back to normal. i'm tired of not eating properly. it seems like i haven't been living anywhere, like i can't remember where i went to bed. i know that it must be here or spencers but i cannot recall specifically spending nights at either. i supose the repetative nights of work blend time together .. one more night to go . i wish i was included in your plans. i hope i will be comming up. it's like your walking and i'm trying to catch up to you. and i have to keep calling for you to wait up.
i want a new dress. i want to be compleatly gorgeouse at opening. is that a funny thing to want. to have people look at you? admire your beauty? i supose i am just vain. it's wonderful if not necessary and think yourself beautiful, but it's also amazing to have everyone else think it to. i want to be the starlight in the room.
are we doing anything on wednesday???? because if not, i think that after preview we should get together an watch a Halloween movie. i mean it will be wednesday which is movie night. and if spencer doesn;t want people over we could probably come here. i dunno. i just think it would be fun.
i'm excited to see a full run of the show. with costumes and stuff. i think it will be good.
i guess thats all i got
Friday, October 26, 2007
what to do what to do
i am trapped in a moral delema. i have a huge print making project that is due on monday. my original intention was to get as much done today and tomorrow, and hopefully it will be finished. but i just can't bring myself to get up and go do it. i just don't want to . what i want is to take this day for myself. steal it away from the rest of the world and claim it as my own. this week so far has been alot of work. what with painting the set and work. *sigh* i was quite frusterated at how few people showed up to help paint. especially those who said they would help. i cannot express how annoying it was on wednesday hearing everyone singing and playing the guitar are doing nothing, while i was alone painting the set. many came to watch at the top of the stairs, but few helped.
*sigh* whatever
today i will be on day 3 of 5 for work. it is going just fine, last night rocked for tips. but working 5 nights in a row is tiresome. i hope that i will not continue to work so much, hopefully when kat gets back it will go back to normal, but unfortunatly we are down a server. one of the girls quit. she was pretty snotty, so w/e . but again i will put out there if any of you girls is lookin for a serving job it wouldn't be a bad idea to apply.
but anyways.yesterday i was exaustedi fell asleep on the couch in the lobby and had this weird dream that i had switched to the other couch and was trying to sleep wile annoying people where sitting to close to me. and i wanted to punch them. and then i was walking around the lobby and into the theatre. but then i realized that i was only imagining my self doing that and was actually still on the couch( the big one) but when i woke up i was still on the little couch i had fallen asleep on. it was strange cuz i actually thought i was on the other couch . haha . anyways.
having the day for me is looking more and more appealing. eep i have to find my brother a birthday present. hmmm it is a big project, but it's not like i won't do it. hm hmm things that make you go hm. i actually think that i have already decided. i just feel a little bad about it.
"i'm taking it back"
i deserve this.
in other news ross has asked me to design his spring show, to which i said yes to. i am kinda nervouse. but apparently ross asked mike and tim if it would be a good idea and they seemed to agree. so prehaps i have more ability that i think. it will be good for me. as it is i am kinda nervouse if i really know enough , and have to ability to create a set design or paint a set on my own. like i have kinda done it but. i never know if it is good enough. i supose i just don't feel ready. experience is all i need.
over all it has been a good week. yes it's been tiring and iritating at times, but meh.
tomorrow seems so far away.
i cannot wait.
~lisa~
man i need to go shopping. there is like no food in my house
*sigh* whatever
today i will be on day 3 of 5 for work. it is going just fine, last night rocked for tips. but working 5 nights in a row is tiresome. i hope that i will not continue to work so much, hopefully when kat gets back it will go back to normal, but unfortunatly we are down a server. one of the girls quit. she was pretty snotty, so w/e . but again i will put out there if any of you girls is lookin for a serving job it wouldn't be a bad idea to apply.
but anyways.yesterday i was exaustedi fell asleep on the couch in the lobby and had this weird dream that i had switched to the other couch and was trying to sleep wile annoying people where sitting to close to me. and i wanted to punch them. and then i was walking around the lobby and into the theatre. but then i realized that i was only imagining my self doing that and was actually still on the couch( the big one) but when i woke up i was still on the little couch i had fallen asleep on. it was strange cuz i actually thought i was on the other couch . haha . anyways.
having the day for me is looking more and more appealing. eep i have to find my brother a birthday present. hmmm it is a big project, but it's not like i won't do it. hm hmm things that make you go hm. i actually think that i have already decided. i just feel a little bad about it.
"i'm taking it back"
i deserve this.
in other news ross has asked me to design his spring show, to which i said yes to. i am kinda nervouse. but apparently ross asked mike and tim if it would be a good idea and they seemed to agree. so prehaps i have more ability that i think. it will be good for me. as it is i am kinda nervouse if i really know enough , and have to ability to create a set design or paint a set on my own. like i have kinda done it but. i never know if it is good enough. i supose i just don't feel ready. experience is all i need.
over all it has been a good week. yes it's been tiring and iritating at times, but meh.
tomorrow seems so far away.
i cannot wait.
~lisa~
man i need to go shopping. there is like no food in my house
Saturday, October 20, 2007
taking a cue from eryn
so there is a lot of things going on in my life. i barely have time to think it seems. also i am taking a cue from chekove.
and now ladies and gentle men this is my action of in action
i have am amazingly creative, generouse, and in my opinion fun to be around.
i have an amazing family who i love.
my cat is the sweetest cat ever.
i have had the opportunity to travel the world, i have seen, the Carribean/ virgin islands, venice, turkey greece,france, spain, denmark, russia, polland, estonia, sweden, ext ext.
i have eaten caviar... but hated it.
.. but i tried it
i have amazing friends, that i can say for probably the first time in my life, i feel included and cared about by them.
i have a sweet appartment that i like living in.
i am an artist.. even if it's self proclaimed.
i have sold, given away, and desplay my art.
i've had a painting in a gallery.
i've been offered a scenic painting job without applying for it.
i've set off a big firework and am able to handle them legaly
i've worked on a pyrotecnics for a movie. even if it was a b movie it was fucken sweet
i've hung upside down off a the catwalk
i;ve zip lined through the trees in belize
i'm a sweet bar tender
i've seen a giant gold penis
i've been to a bar made entirly of ice
i have a good fashion sense that matched my personality
i've been in love twice, and had my heart broken twice
my consiouse is inherantly good, even if my mind tries to corrupt it.
i've tap danced in a musical
i played a fetus in a play.
i can cook a mean apple crisp
i've been scuba diving
i've swam with manta rays
i've eaten turtle soup
been to a rum factory... i love rum
i've beem euphoricly happy and depressingly sad
i've been a day camp leader
i've perfecty parallel parked a big budget van into a tiny space
i've been mushroom picking, camping, fishing hiking ext more times than i can count
i give money to food banks sometimes when i go to the grocery store
i've played tackle football and kicked ass
i've played fastball for 14 years, and was awesome
i believe i could make anything....it i dhad enough time.. and duct tape
thats good for now i need to have a nap before work,
i am 20.beautiful and amazing
and now ladies and gentle men this is my action of in action
i have am amazingly creative, generouse, and in my opinion fun to be around.
i have an amazing family who i love.
my cat is the sweetest cat ever.
i have had the opportunity to travel the world, i have seen, the Carribean/ virgin islands, venice, turkey greece,france, spain, denmark, russia, polland, estonia, sweden, ext ext.
i have eaten caviar... but hated it.
.. but i tried it
i have amazing friends, that i can say for probably the first time in my life, i feel included and cared about by them.
i have a sweet appartment that i like living in.
i am an artist.. even if it's self proclaimed.
i have sold, given away, and desplay my art.
i've had a painting in a gallery.
i've been offered a scenic painting job without applying for it.
i've set off a big firework and am able to handle them legaly
i've worked on a pyrotecnics for a movie. even if it was a b movie it was fucken sweet
i've hung upside down off a the catwalk
i;ve zip lined through the trees in belize
i'm a sweet bar tender
i've seen a giant gold penis
i've been to a bar made entirly of ice
i have a good fashion sense that matched my personality
i've been in love twice, and had my heart broken twice
my consiouse is inherantly good, even if my mind tries to corrupt it.
i've tap danced in a musical
i played a fetus in a play.
i can cook a mean apple crisp
i've been scuba diving
i've swam with manta rays
i've eaten turtle soup
been to a rum factory... i love rum
i've beem euphoricly happy and depressingly sad
i've been a day camp leader
i've perfecty parallel parked a big budget van into a tiny space
i've been mushroom picking, camping, fishing hiking ext more times than i can count
i give money to food banks sometimes when i go to the grocery store
i've played tackle football and kicked ass
i've played fastball for 14 years, and was awesome
i believe i could make anything....it i dhad enough time.. and duct tape
thats good for now i need to have a nap before work,
i am 20.beautiful and amazing
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
somedays i have a face, some i am invisible
same old same old.good days and bad, good and bad. i probably will never understand why.
i'm not afraid. i think there are things that are important to you and you need to hold onto those. but i can and do change. i regret that i started writing this blog. it just makes my mind hurt with the things i have thought, the things i found are becoming more true. how can i not live with worry that each happy day might be our last. even in expressing how i feel, i seem in a sense to condemn myself to the fate which i currently dread. my worry and despair is a nuisance to you i think. i feel old and uninteresting. i hold no more exploratory value. i am the known path walked many times. i supose what is most unsettling is not knowing when you will decided you have had enough, and want to move on to a new experience. trying to prepair me for change.. i am not ignorant. i understand.
one day. today. tomorrow, afew months, a year form now. no matter what you want or hope it will still hurt very badly. forgive me for being a bother, as i said before any disgusting display i make can old lessen my time, but i hope you at least kind of understand what the world looks like from 11inches down.
why every week i look forward to the next in hopes that it will some how be better than the present. everything seems so dissorganized right now , but i guess it is becuase of the show.
it's interesting to see one's progression through time. looking back at things that where said. see so contradictory. but i guess life will never make sense. it never claims to.
i'm not afraid. i think there are things that are important to you and you need to hold onto those. but i can and do change. i regret that i started writing this blog. it just makes my mind hurt with the things i have thought, the things i found are becoming more true. how can i not live with worry that each happy day might be our last. even in expressing how i feel, i seem in a sense to condemn myself to the fate which i currently dread. my worry and despair is a nuisance to you i think. i feel old and uninteresting. i hold no more exploratory value. i am the known path walked many times. i supose what is most unsettling is not knowing when you will decided you have had enough, and want to move on to a new experience. trying to prepair me for change.. i am not ignorant. i understand.
one day. today. tomorrow, afew months, a year form now. no matter what you want or hope it will still hurt very badly. forgive me for being a bother, as i said before any disgusting display i make can old lessen my time, but i hope you at least kind of understand what the world looks like from 11inches down.
why every week i look forward to the next in hopes that it will some how be better than the present. everything seems so dissorganized right now , but i guess it is becuase of the show.
it's interesting to see one's progression through time. looking back at things that where said. see so contradictory. but i guess life will never make sense. it never claims to.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
this water never tasted so sweet
soo tired. work was crazy today. my whole section was full so i had to put some people in another one. there where only two of us on. and i made a mistake that cost me almost twenty dollars of my tip money. i gave carol the wrong bill for someone. and i didn;t realize until he had payed. anyways blahblabh the guy didn't pay enough so i had to pay. but i take responsibility , it was my mistake, but it still sucks.
at least i got home at a reasonable hr. and now i am just chillen, drinking some water... thats right water... i need to for yoga tomorrow so my head doesn't explode... cuz that would suck right. i'm really excited for it again. i think martha and i are going to get twenty classes. then we will be all buff... and hawt.
i thought i had alot to say , but come to think of it .. i don;t so i think i will go to bed.
maybe i'll read a bit.. ooh now i'm excited.
~lisa~
yay for tomorrow , maybe if i'm lucky i'll get what i am
at least i got home at a reasonable hr. and now i am just chillen, drinking some water... thats right water... i need to for yoga tomorrow so my head doesn't explode... cuz that would suck right. i'm really excited for it again. i think martha and i are going to get twenty classes. then we will be all buff... and hawt.
i thought i had alot to say , but come to think of it .. i don;t so i think i will go to bed.
maybe i'll read a bit.. ooh now i'm excited.
~lisa~
yay for tomorrow , maybe if i'm lucky i'll get what i am
Saturday, October 13, 2007
"i check the mail, but there is no letter from you"
i finally got to sleep in. i wish i could do it more but eventually i have to get up and finish my print making project. the windowers are still thumping away. i keep thinking of all the things i have to do, all the plans, i can;t wait to be done with the next few days. why does every hour seem like an eternity. i guess i need a new watch. every thing seems like forever past, forever away. my head is ichy*pouts* martha and i went to hot yoga yesterday morning. it was intense and i can't wait to go back. i wanna do something good for me. thump thump thump is what i hear. i just don't want to get up, it seems like a waste of time right now. but i know i have to do all those stupid little things. it's been no time at all and already i'm a disaster. do you mind when i message that i miss you. is it an annoyance when you are trying to be alone.are you trying to be alone. two more days of work.*sigh* i don't mind it when i am there. but i hate going and i am always anxiousness to leave.
kylan might be getting a job there. as a delivery driver. i told him we needed people so we will see how that goes.
" fragile she doesn't she her beauty, she tries to get away. sometimes it's just that nothing seems worth saving, i wont let her slip away"
i will most likley have to work till 12 on the night of james' party. i have doubts if i should come. i probably will. i always tent to get upset when imiss out on things like that. thought i'm guessing everyone will be drunk and stoned by the time i arrive. which is never a fun situation i think.
i guess thats it, there isn;t much point of my rambling on for nothing. especially when i have things to do.
i hope you know i miss you
kylan might be getting a job there. as a delivery driver. i told him we needed people so we will see how that goes.
" fragile she doesn't she her beauty, she tries to get away. sometimes it's just that nothing seems worth saving, i wont let her slip away"
i will most likley have to work till 12 on the night of james' party. i have doubts if i should come. i probably will. i always tent to get upset when imiss out on things like that. thought i'm guessing everyone will be drunk and stoned by the time i arrive. which is never a fun situation i think.
i guess thats it, there isn;t much point of my rambling on for nothing. especially when i have things to do.
i hope you know i miss you
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