i wrote a post... but decided not to post it. It expresses how i feel at this moment. but i realized no matter how i feel,or no matter how articulately i express that fact, people will go on believing what they want.
This is a pineapple lantern that i carved. some of you will recognize it and know what is playing on the screen in the back ground. I am getting sick and feel ichy right now. this picture has brought me to peace. We have had some fucking awesome times.

Dont let the days go by Glycerine

i am two things right now, tired.. but also not tired enough to go to bed. i feel that today was a fairly good day. i seemed to accomplish alot of things and this makes me feel the day was a success. i did a bit of work on my project. handed in a application for a work studies( apparently i did have enough credits i am just a idiot and can't count) registered for another course bought some house stuff at walmart, cleaned up my room ( i have a floor!) trimmed the ivy. had some x rated cinnamon toast, went for some car rides. made delicious stir fry and watched big fish. it was a good day. i was responsible yet laid back and enjoyed parts of my day. OH.. and i made cupcakes and nathan called me which was super nice.
i think thats it now.
Originally i was thinking about going to nanaimo this weekend, but i have many things here to do. like garden. i have a house that i have to take care of, i thought of it today that it is kinda a weird concept i've never had to deal with before. it;s just weird that , i bet most of us, never think about how much work it is to take care of a house. well i think i am getting the picture.
anyways i guess i'll go to bed now.
fare well . and good night.

suffocating with air all around me

i've almost reached the end of where my patience goes. I try to be honest about how i feel. i don;t think there should be any misconceptions. maybe your just not hearing me so good.
this summer was a great experience for me. i had good times and i felt free. i did things for myself, and just myself. when i moved i thought i would be continuing that trend. expanding what and who i knew. I feel so trapped right now. It's not kewl. Not kewl. I know this is partially my fault. I am not able to live free. I guess i connect with people to well. anyways it doesn't matter what has been. not at the moment. right now all i want to express is my annoyance, and frustration. when i am walking, grasping for my arm and holding on will only make me want to run. trying to see/ talk to me all the time. When did you decide i deserved so much attention?
everyone wants a piece... this pie is not for sale. This pie needs some fucking room to breath.
Don't worry to much, it's not Just you i'm talking about.
don;t be upset, i just want some space to decide what i want as opposed to pleasing others.
My first reaction for this sentance was to say that i was sorry, because i thought writing this is somewhat harsh, but then i realized if i said what i felt, i don;t believe that you would hear it.

Let me reiterate just so my point is clear. I need space to breath.

Come inside just for a second, baby show me your attention ...

friday morning... i can't decide what to do. there are probably, in fact i know there are, plenty of things that i should/ could be doing, but i really cant decide. I find that this often happens when i have time to waste. I become lazy and indecisive. I have a big project for my directing class that i should find someway to start....

Victoria. i like the city, love my house and the people i live with. however i am not settled yet. i have accomplished the bus. you probably all know that i am not bus savvy, so i see this as an accomplishment. i suppose my next task is to become part of the theatre community at the uvic theatre. i want to know how the theatre is run, and be part of it. it will probably take some time. as of now i feel disconnected to it. I want In.

the other day i was thinking... i have flipped from being into wanting commitment to being afraid of it... well no not being afraid but certainly not wanting it. i have made this flip before, however before it was in the opposite direction. I find myself emotionally unattached in a romantic kind of way. I still respond to hahaha lets call it " male stimuli" , however i see it as more of an instinct hahah ( when i say that i don;t mean in a directly sexual way, but if there is a cute boy... you wanna flirt with the cute boy and get some attention kinda way) ... i'm intrigued and curious and want to know more, perhaps feel more. but not in a "love you till the end of time" kind of way.
I feel as though i am an entity , living for myself. i don't see this as a bad thing. i'm quite content with myself. i just think it;s interesting how i switch from wanting things. Over all it is a strange thing for me, i'm used to feeling so much, so deeply, and now i just don't. I know it is not forever, and i know there is nothing i can do to change it. eventually something or someone will happen that will change me again. until then i am content. i have enough things to short out. hahah

it;s funny when you have a silly thought, you wish for something to be true.. and then you look back and realize it is...

I'd sell my soul, my self-esteem a dollar at a time

My girlies are coming to visit today! i am soo excited. i know it hasn't even been a week but i'm excited for you to see my new house. It's very spacious and cozy. there are still a few bits of junk around but for the most part we are all unpacked.

i had my first classes yesterday. one i am on the wait list for but slowly climbing, and the other is called applied theatre. it sounds interesting. *shrug* then i have directing today . dunno what that will be like, i feel that i will stick out hardcore. but hopefully i will get into the swing of things. it was suggested that i take that course so i am.

i was hoping to be a work studies student and get payed for working and junk, but it just reading the things now it doesn;t seem like i am eligible. for one i don't have a huge financial need and 2 i am not in enough classes. i guess i can try to apply anyways, however i doubt i will be accepted. poop.

*leaves and returns*
horay for clean windows.it almost freaks me out how much of a "home maker" i am. i love entertaining, and keeping a clean house and looking after my boys.
haha last night we took a trip to walmart to get some garbage cans and other junk. i got some cleaning things , and josh and kyle bought these nerf dart guns. they are like a shot gun and some kind of riffle. we had a good few hours shooting them at each other. i thought to myself this is prob the best thing ever. i get to hang out with some of my best friends every night. haha. it probably won;t stay that way. but i wonder how it will change. i could understand how girls would turn on each other, but boys are different. i guess we will have to see. i have confidence that it will turn out well.

For one taste, one taste, one taste of you, my Magdalena

How will i break the news to you

here it is. The first victoria post. Moving went as well as can be expected. i have a bunch of tiny bruises but there is was no major problems. then i had an awesome night with you guys. i'm glad we got together. the next day ( sunday) i woke with a sore throat, i thought nothing of it, because of the previous night. did a few things, waited around and got to see my brother for a while. Then i made my way down to victoria. we have so much stuff, and i am still not done going through it. i started with the kitchen , and the living room . so those are basically set up. there are still afew boxes around. then bed time. the next morning, ( monday) i woke and my throat was still hella sore. Wtf so i look at it , and it is all ugly and puffy and red and junk. i'm gotten strep throat a lot so i know what it;s like. i carry on with my day, knowing that eventually i will have to go and get a prescription for drugs. dustin and i get groceries and junk, then when we return and sit to watch a movie, i start to feel really crappy and go to lay down. shortly after my darling joshua offers to take me to the clinic, which fills me with great relief. i detest going to see the doctor so i generally prolong going, and while i have been to victoria many times i do not feel at home here yet. It's always nice to have some one looking out for you. *loves* thank you joshua. after that adventure i get some penicillin , and strangely i feel even worse after taking some drugs. i felt like i had the flu for a day and a half.
went to an orientation yesterday with tasia, it was neat however painful, i felt uber crappy. stared to feel better later on in the day though. i made dinner... and butter,, and hotchocolte. hehe so now when i feel up for it i will make myself some x rated toast. hehe anyways
dudud bed.
wake up in the middle of the night scratching my neck. long story short, i believe i am having a mild reaction to the penicillin. today i woke up early and picked some back berries on my back porch. then i visited with the two cats that came to visit. there is a really friendly black cat that comes. hehe horay for another cat friends. ummmm yea and since then i have been doing stuff making my house look pretty and my room clean .

umm ummumm i am excited for you guys to come and visit me and see me new spiffy house, it is pretty fucking sweet. thats all i got i guess. sorry this was a terrible post, but i thought that i should update.
love you all

You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..

take this sinking boat and point it home, we still got time..

well this is it..well almost. haha, tomorrow i move the majority of my junk down to vic. then either sun or monday i am there for goods. woots and woes' i think the only think i will miss about nanaimo will be people, my friends the most. you guys are my wonderfully diverse and colorful rocks that i hang on to as the ocean of life moves me around. i love you all. i guess i'll miss my family to , including my cat.. cuz come on she is awesome.
i just got home from my last day at work at the restaurant, and although it was a closing it didn;t feel that terrible the first part was busy.. and then there was a little rush then no one came. it was also lans birthday so we just chilled and ate some ice cream cake. then i finished up and said good bye. i made pretty sweet tips. 72 bucks. for some reason some people just gave me massive tips. like 10 - 15 $ for nothing speical. i guess they knew it was my last day haha nah. anyways it;s sweet, i'm going to use it to celebrate with my favorite people. anyways i am realy tired and it will be a long day tomorrow so i best get some rest.
*loves*

Falling slowly , eyes that know me, and i can't go back...

i payed my dues, to watch the dividends roll in...

Well,,, i guess somewhere along the time i payed my dues. either that or all my frantic diligence payed off. we have found a place to live, and in mere hours we will be signing papers and writting post dated cheques.
lets start this story friday. which i believe could have been or was close to the day i wrote my angry life blog...either way . lisa was not a happy person friday. i spent most of the day franticly searching the interweb for houses, sending e-mails , making calls. and then i went to work. oh meanwhile i am texting kyle back and forth because we are suposed to go to the cabin the next day. however i do not feel that we should go spend time relaxing while we still did not have anywhere to live. i didi not want to be at work... but finally i return home and find that some one has messaged me back. yay a viewing. so then i make my way, slightly more optimistic, to give the gift of chinese and enjoy some company of crack whores and hobo's.

next morning wake up 8 am. set my alarm so that i can call back dude. and then go to see a house that day. also find another house to set up viewing with. nice. get a hold of kyle tell him i can not come to the cabin becase i have 2 viewings to go to. mean while i am texting dustin in victoria because he is going to come with me. make my way to vic. then i realize an hour before the 1st one that i don't actaully have the adress to the house. just the street. dustin and i wander, trying to guess which house it is, we knock on some doors and fail. so down hearted we head home, but after looking at a pic decided to try once again. and we found it. yay for deductive reasoning. see that house , apply, and we are on our way to the next. in the end i am glad that these poeple decided to do something that we where not willing to do ( that being wanting a 1 year lease) because we would not have then had our luck,,
anyways back to the story. we see the second house, dusting and i, however they want to meet kyle and josh as well so we set up for them to meet on monday.
lisa returns home one night for terribly boring bbq.
Monday. i hear back from the first house we saw . rented, not us. so i believe that we will get this other house and i guess make sure that i am going to arrange and be there for the boys next meeting. that time comes around, monday night we meet the girl to discuss. she tells us they want a one year lease. This place was hella nice, however it was fairly far away. we would have been able to put up with it for afew months but not a year so, as soon as she said that i knew it was a no go. so we head home, pondering what we do. haha and pretty much as soon as we get home , josh dustin and i are all looking to see if there are any new listings. there where. we where all looking at the same house ondifferent computer haha . anyways so i phone and set up a meeting for 9 am the next morning. kyle josh and i go, its a wonder ful house, will need a little care on the inside but i'm all into that. i see that he has seen other students. so i make the offer that we will pay him an extra 200 each month and sign a 2 year lease.( a trick that somone else pulled to get that other house we looked at) the house has space for a 5th person possibly, so we may find someone and the rent will be cheaper. timeout, let me finish the story, so we leave expecting him to call us back so we can come back and meet his mom who will be looking after the renting, he was going away. however he called back an hour later and offered us the place.. haha and then called back again to make sure we braught all the stuff today to make it official and junk. so anyways fairly nice house. spaciouse kewl deck out back, 2200 plus utilities. 2 year lease. like 600ish a month total. thats doing pretty good i say pretty good. any if we find someone else it;s even better. but i'm not concerned at the moment because i have somewher to live. and once we are all settled you have to come down and visit. to see , to get very drunk see my lookout post. whatever. i am not going to be a hobo yay

anyways i should be back thursday, have my last shift on friday. i want to see you guys before i go, not that i won't be back , but i am going to hella fucking miss you. i can honestly say you are the best group of friends i have ever have, and i don't intent to let you get away because of a little drive. i love you all. talk to you soon
*loves*

...going fucking mad.

just let me start by saying fuck you life. you are a temping devil who wields uncertainty as her great sword. i am going ... hmm lets see kinda nuts at the moment. i have a week basically for find a place to live and i'm not doing so great. i started looking over two months ago and have had no luck in all that time. so what makes me think that in once week i will secure not only what i want, but what i actually need...
at the beginning of the week i was hopeful. i had found a house and got an immediate response to go and look at it. i have not heard back as of yet , which makes me very sad. not only was it affordable but it was quite nice.. and awesome. i suppose i still have a sliver of hope seeing as i do not have a confirmed no on renting it, but.... *sigh* i will phone again today and perhaps e-mail. at the very least i need to know i cannot have it.
today i messaged 3 more potential houses. some of which where just posted today. so here's hoping.
i don't know what it is. bad luck? fate? why is it that even thought we try so hard, even though possibilities are dangled in front of our face, why do we have no luck. sometimes it seems that we are soo close, but then it is taken away and we are father than ever, with less time and less hope.
in one week and 3 days i will be in victoria. i will miss my friends and life here. i am going forward into complete uncertainty which i hate with every part of me.
i am irritable and unhappy. i will not be happy until i find security. for not i am going fucking mad.

and my only consequence is my own self disgust ...

today will be an interesting day. for the majority of the day i have nothing to do but sit around and think. luckily i get to work opening which means i don't have to close. i hate closing. i'm really getting tired of working at the restaurant. i can't wait for the day when i don't have to have shitty jobs. i really can't stand them for that long.
It's strange. On one level i am pleased at the person i have become, the person i am now. But when everything catches up , when you take a moment to reflect, you realize that there will always be dark things about you.

"Remember, your a wreck an accident
Forget the freak your just nature
Keep the gun oiled and the temple clean
Shit, snort and blaspheme let the heads cool and the engine run
because in the end everything we do,
is just everything we've done. "

I wish i had a better understanding of people's minds and emotions. They never fail to confuse and amaze me. not just other people's but my own i suppose as well. i wonder if i should paint today. it seems like forever since i have painted something for myself...

two more weeks till summer is over... i wonder what my life will be like after that..

A quarter and a kiss is all i should be worth to you...

so i have kinda given up hope that we will actauly have a house by september. it's like when you just get so much rejection that something doesn't seem possible anymore. so that is really kinda depressing, because all i want in to have a home again. Not that living with my parents is really bad, but i hate feeling censored. i can't truely be myself. I also hate living out of boxes it uber hard to keep organized. anyways thats my depressing thought for this blog post. Lisa = homeless.

in other news i had a wonderful day yesterday. it was soooo hot and awesome out. met up with drew and went for some good old fasion breakfast at mgm. it was actually super good. mmm hashbrowns. and then we made our way to the gorgiouse river. where, very shortly after, martha, nathan, dan , and liam met up with us. we had a grand time. once we dispersed drew and i picked up some beer and groceries for deliciouse stirfry and margarita's! martha and eryn soon joined and we played boche ball , and drinking games. a day like yesterday is what life is all about. good times with good friends.

and tomorrow ... along with being my dad's birthday that i might not even see him for and just got him a gift today... is eryns party where there will be much more merryment. and i don't have to close so i will get to enjoy more of it!

anyways i am starving. much love.

you are the brick , i'm so unpredicable, led by the current away

so i just woke up from like 4 hour nap. in the middle of the day.... after getinng up like 2 hrs earlier. i dunno what it was. i made hash browns( which i decided reminded me of thundercats, i'll explain later) then read my book for awhile. then i just felt so tired so i went to lay down on my bed. 4 hrs later here i am. i blame it on my dreams. i am under the impression that because i have such vivid dream and remember them that i am not really in the proper state of sleep. so often a full night of sleep i still feel tired. i guess it was not so bad today. i was wonderfing what i should do today before work. and i ended up watching my crazy dreams. *shrug*

hash browns remind me of thundercats because spencer used to make them for me when we where watching thundercats. and i guess i make them like he made them. it was a strange sensation here i was makething something to eat and i was thinking that i was about to watch thundercats,

in other news, i'm getting tired of my work so hardcorely... last night i had to stay till 9 , because the new girl couldn't quite take it. which pissed me off, cuz i had plans. the worst part is that when i first got there at 4 there was no one. no one even showed up to eat until 645. BALLS
*sigh*
i really don;t want to work tonight. 4.5 hrs seems like agony. i'm so glad i have tomorrow off , and hopefully can get friday off. then apres that who knows, but i do know that there will be 4 of us working again so i guess i will tell cassandra to give me less hrs... thought after how badly the new girl did last night might be forced to work more. hahah i can totally tell now ( and i have been thinking this for a while) that i will never be able to have one steady job, i guess at least not a shitty one. haha i need to be free and changing kinda. haha i guess thats why theatre or the arts will work for me.

anyways thats all. still don't have a house . hopefully we get one soon*sigh*

Without the sour the sweet wouldn't taste

i've decided some truths about myself.. they are as follows...

i am a giver i will give you the shirt off my back or my last penny if i thought you needed it, but don't dare take anything from me... i need to surrender things of my free will, or i become very unhappy.

there are men in my life,romantically or otherwise, but none of them control me.
- as of now i am a free soul, and i am talking advantage of the life i have to live.

my life is prioritized like this.
human contact, work , sleep ,food, other.
i will always make time for people first and for most. they help me keep my sanity when things get going out of control. if i have time for work i will generally take it, despite the strain it may cause. if both are needed i will sleep before i get food. or think of it this way i would rather sleep in than get up and make breakfast or a lunch for myself. food is good. and then many other of my lesser responsibilities or wants come after that. i'm sure there must be exceptions but this seems generally true.

i've had some time to ponder things over the past few days. and this is what i figure

I don’t know how to break the bottle I’m living in...

i work every day the next two weeks except for thursdays. poop. o well i guess at lest i will be doing something productive. and i guess 10 30 - 11 is not that late. maybe i will be able to save lots of moneies for my car jar... i want a yaris! hehe keep hoping lisa...
really there are more important things in my life right now, like where i'm going to live. my dearest joshua is working so hard to find something. but i am very disappointed in our other two friends. *shakes head* what are you going to do? you can;t make someone responsible, or willing to help. so here's crossing my fingers for the place they are looking at tomorrow. i can't wait to move, i feel so condensed right now.
first step find a house, second step ... yea.. so as of right now i am only registered for 2 classes first semester, and waitlisted for one... i have 3 classes 2nd semester... the problem is, i don;t know what to take. i can't get into any of the art classes unless i am getting an art degree.( well i might have a chance if i show up on the first class , they might let me in) but other than that... there are hardly any theatre classes i can take... especially right now so what the fuck do i do... i think i may get a job, and only do some classes. i dunno, i've looked, there doesn;t seem to be anything for me.
really i don't know what i am doing. can't i just jump forward afew years.... nah. arn't i suposed to want to spend my life here, in this time...
maybe i will just marry some rich guy and live like a queen, do art all day...
any takers?
didn;t think so ....

... Don’t leave me now

tomorrow i am a princess

i am so very annoyed right now. i fucking hate people who come into the restaurant late... and then just slowly eat and then sit around after they are done eating, WAY TO BE INCONCIDERATE DOUCES! (sigh) o well i guess its over for now...
i have been meaning to post for like ever... wel maybe after days.. so what. the stange thing is i actaully have thought of interesting things to post about, unlike my usual " today i went to the store, i had stuff for lunch blah blah blah, it was of substance , i guess i will try and impart on your my thoughts.... now..
more and more i have been thinking about people... really i always think about people but in this instance i have been thinking that many people believe that they know how they and other people should live their lives... i can think of several people off the top of my head. people try to empart their " divine wisdom " on you, when really it totally doesn;t work for you... fuck half the time it probably doesn;t work for them. people have their own way of going about things. you stick with your way and i'll stick with mine and then maybe we can both be happy. i hate when people try and tell me how to live my life, try to tell me what to do. i can appriciate imput , but not when it's yelled at me without reason. i don;t respond well to nagging either.
i've been thinking about myself. and what kind of person i am, i am sensitive to other people's emotions, i can generally feel what other people are feeling even if i don't react to it. i'm all about how something feels, and while i do use facts to figure things out, in the end i use my gut to figure what to do. i'm not confrontational, i don't like to fight, i don't like to yell. it makes me uncomfortable. perhaps thats why it takes me so long to get angry. i generally back down even if i know the other person in wrong, because really i don;t think it;s worth it. When people start getting angry over stupid shit chances are they arn't going to listen to reason. fuck that reminds me of sam. thank god i never have to see her again. fuck . P in the A. i don;t like to hold onto things. i tend to forgive and forget. if there is an offence against me that is greater it will simply take longer , but there is no doubt in my mind that i will get over it. it often surprises me what i get over. emotions are so funny. it;s strange how they can be so drastically different withing such a short span of time.
..... i'm thinking about myself, becaues i have been thinking about other peoples perceptions of themselves. it's so funny how different our perception of our self is than other people's perceptions of us. If anyone is up for it, or bored or something, will you write out a little blurb about me. just the first things that come to mind when you think of me. they key points maybe or even go in depth if you like...leave a comment or message it to me if you like... i just wanna see what the difference is between what you think and what i think....
anyways... i guess this blog post makes up for my lack of decent blog posts.. i am kinda just rambling now. O well at least i'm not feeling annoyed anymore. just very introspective.

tomorrow i am going to vancouver... and i am going to be treated like a princess. it is nice when people show you how much they appriciate you, i think it is something that isn't often done. I certainly don't feel the appricaition i think i deserve... but i guess that just does along with how we see ourself... it;s how we see our actions.. and how other people view them. maybe i'm not as kind or giving as i think. maybe my offers to help, or the simple act of waiting for , or with someone has less value in the real world than it does it my head...

p.s. pemberton rocked

2 days 18 hrs, 38 min and 43 sec

The time draws near!about a day and a half remains until we set forth to the great pembertim. *hearts* ZOMMG so excited. i have finished the flag. my father helped to make an awesome flagpole! we will be able to find where we are yay! today i finished the t-shirts!! tank tops whatever... they are not fancy but still awesome. tomorrow i will buy some colored permanent markers so that we can get people to sign them and junk. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee




it's strange but i am rather sleepy at the moment. i guess it makes perfect sence for the past week it seems i have been going non stop. if i'm not working, i'm hanging out, or shopping or working on junk for pemberton( which is totally worth it)i could totally just fall asleep right now. all i have to do is put myfd head d ddowwn.gftcj..............*drools*

.... drivers test tomorrow, hope i pass. not that i am a bad driver or anything i just get very nervouse sometimes when i am getting tested. i failed my N test twice. poop the first time because i was nervouse( not that that fucking bitch as cunt of tester helped) and may have backed up onto the curb... the second time when i had the same cunt of an examiner , it was total bullshit.*steams with anger* ....... so i guess the moral of the story is ihaven't had the best luck with driving tests......
p.s. if i do pass someone make sure i have my passport with me , because otherewise i will have no picture id and that could be big troubles..... i have it close to my stuff , but just in case.

anyways i think i am going to do something... restfull..

it'd go the whole wide world...

what day is it... i keep getting the feeling its the weekend , but then i remind myself it isn't. dates hardly matter in the summer. unless you have super awesome things planned.. like pemberton!
one week and counting ladies. one fucking week. breath breath, gonna be soo sweet. but back to my previouse train of thought, and it is gone... left the station good bye
ope here comes a new one. mm i just had a deliciouse dinner . terriaky steak, with potatoes and corn on the cob. unfortunatly i am very sleepy now.poop.

ummm so i got back from victoria today, it was fun , though we still do not have a house to live in which is unfortunate. i will be sooo happy when we finally have one. there will be much celebration. i can;t wait to live on my own again. hmm anyways. i guess thats it. i really don't have much that is exciting to report....
off to work soon, i wonder if i can have a power nap.hmmmm
LOVES!

look at the moon slowly rising, look at those starts up above

i am sitting in a tank top and my underwear with the fan on. it is nice. i love it when the nights are hot. they have an energy. i can;t really describe it, it;s like it gives you life... inspiration. it makes anything seem possible... and the act of simply walking the streets feel like a grand adventure.
when i think back to high school summers i think thats what i think of. wandering the streets just being out with friends..
i remeber some of my old friends would walk by my house and call out my name. then when i heard them i would go out and sit on the grass with them and just chill. it was a wonderful time.. but really .. thats all i miss about highschool. haha .

OMG.. so i just found out the funniest thing. i am in my tank and undies and i went to go take my bra off and i realized it;s inside out haha... here i am thinking to myself " wow why is this so hard"
but then i figured it out and now feel a little foolish. but not really i was in a rush to get to work this morning... SEGWAY
sooo tasia and i are sitting in bed looking at appartment ( that sounds sooooo funny but really we were) and my boss calls says no one showed up for the buss today... so i have to go in.. andways do the bug come home and veg because i have to work again at 5. du du du ... go to work at 5 again no one showed up... so i had to work all night my myself which was balls on one level because there where two reservations and 4 other largs groups showed up, luckily i got out at 1130 because no one came late( like last night.. bastards)and i made fat tips. sooooo i guess it worked out pretty sweet.
( lisa finally takes off bra)
hmmm what else is new.nothing.. oh i made a fish pick.., it;s pretty awesome.


darling just for tonight, until we get it right, lets make believe we're in love..

As the world falls down...

i'm not 100% sure what it is... but i haven't been happy the last little while. maybe it's an effect from moving back home, maybe it's that i'm being fucked over at work, maybe it's the lack of drive i have. maybe it's my disappointment with uvic, maybe i'm lonley. it's probably all of these things combined. It kinda feels like everything around me is kinda letting go, falling loose. I'm not doing anything worth while and it's upsetting me. the past few months i felt quite happy/ content but in the last week it seems to have totally shifted. *sigh*
i guess on one level it's good because i totally don't want to stay in this funk. i have some idea's that i want to do. i guess when i am unhappy( not all the time) i get inspired to change something. earlier this year it was my eating and junk. but funnily enough when i was really happy for a few months i kinda slacked off. it's like i need to be miserable to change.. ha ha or at least produce interesting art work. hahaha oh to be a tortured artist.

i'm sure i have told you, or mentioned it... but what i really want to do is sell my art. i've dabbled but what i need is to go and fucking do it. the only problem is confidence i guess. i have a love hate relationship with my art, i love it , then hate it... i am never really satistfied, so because of this i never really think my art is good enough to sell(despite the positive feed back), and when i do sell it i generally tend to under price it because i feel bad taking lots of money A) for work i don't think is that great or B from people who are my friends. i need to find somewhere to sell it otherwise this is my biggest blockade. i need to find them... i need to go to galleries and ask to put my work up. i just get nervouse doing shit like that. but i guess if i am miserable and want to change that then i have to suck it up. does anyone have any suggestions as to where i can sell/ display my art? i know of one farmers market. do you need a permit to sell stuff by the water front? is it acceptable to go into like coffee shops and ask them to put your work up? how do people do this?

one day i'll be an artist

have fun sitting still on your high horse. I'm walking the fuck out of here.

there are so many little annoying things that you have to deal with as you grow older. blarg. it;s nothing really but i just kinda feel like i need an office or some kind of organizer to deal with all of them . haha. they are just little things that you never really think off. like ccalling and making appointments and stuff. "*shrug* i was just thinking.
yesterday i was suposed to have an inspection of my suit however the person never showed up soooo i have to do it today after work. which is balls.
you know what else is balls. getting fucked over for hours at work. for the next two weeks there are 3 of us and i am getting less hours than when there where 4. out of 15 days i work 6. and they are like 5 hour shifts... my pay cheques are going to be under 200$ , dont even say anythign about tips because half the time i make shitty tips. so what is there to do ? should i run out and find another job for two months. or stick it out, try and relax and maybe work on my own artistic endevours.
its a tough choice for me. on one side i need to work.. i need to be making money constantly. On the other hand i could do what i kinda have been wanting to do and try to sell my art. to this point i haven;t given myself enough time to do this, but as i get tired of the meaningless jobs that i have had i want to do it even more. so do i take a chance and give up some money saved and pursue some dreams?
and it's all fine and dandy to say yes... go get your dreams... but how plausible is that? i don;t wanna end up being idle. i hate to waste time, but.... i dunno.
one day i will be an artist. i just have to get started i guess

haha i've come to think that many jobs that i have worked end up not treating me like i deserve. i am a hard worker. the only thing i ask from a job is a some what flexable shedual. i give notice in advance. i guess that is too much to ask. i find that i feel unappreciated and then become bitter about working. 6 days out of 15. that is bullshit. but i guess the people who are getting this shifts need it more. because really they have nowhere else to go and i am gonna get the fuck out of there and make something of myself.