...

as i was walking to my appartment from my car i had the perfect title for a blog... but now i have fogotten it... fuck. and it was epic too. i remember that because i though it might be a little too epic.
(time passes)
..... so now it is 7:48 on wednesday morning. i'm moving the rest of the stuff out of my appartment today. it's gonna be all nekkid. i will be happy to move on, i am looking forward to living in victoria. i love my parents however i am not looking forward to living with them for a month or so.. haha i know i am a big winner. but whatever. I wonder where i will sleep tonight. tomorrow is a big day because we are going to MATT GOOD. tomorrow is going to roxor my soxors... anyways
i'm gonna get on it. it is a beautiful day outside and i don't want to waste it

I am waiting for vincini...

or martha .. hehe.. yeah yeah i know i am not funny. if you tell me exactly what that is from i will give you a prize. fucking waiting i hate waiting. it drives me nuts when i have to wait for people.. but o well such is life... it kinda seems like we are always waiting for something. people, time to pass, things to get better mr right to come alone. i wonder if there will ever be a point in life when i have everything i could need and am not waiting for anything.

earlier today i felt energized. i wanted to go out , to experience to feel alive.. i wanted an adventure. i still do . everyone is however pre occupied.. either with being out of town or busy with work. so i came home and started packing up my shit. i got a done. though it doesn;t look like much .. i have pack pretty much all of my clothes and my other closet junk into boxes and culled out some clothes that i will probably never wear. some of which are in not to bad condition and make take whatever they please.mmm rum and coke rum and coke.

i was thinking today that it is kinda funny how many of us planned to go away for at least afew days around the same time... and i dunno about anyone else but i never knew of other peoples plans until they where coming us.. i just think it;s funny. it;s kinds nice to.

i wish i was more diligent in writting down my dreams. i did it for a while but have long since stopped. it would be interesting to know how my dreams have changed. i just notice things like i haven;t had dreams where i was flying , or there was someone chasing me, or i was fighting with someone. alll my recent kind of dreams have been like little stories. i where i am working through some plot as the main character. so now is when i really wish i had been more diligent writting shit down because i wonder if it coensides with my life and junk. anyways marhta is here YAYYYYY

a barnacle and a heart of stone

my god i am so lazy today haha. thats ok thought it think it is good that i am doing nothing for a change... so .. let me tell you a little story about my night at work last night. i was working the closing shift 6- 12 . which is lame in it;s own right because it;s no fun to work till 12. after 830 our buffet gets put away and it slows down almost entirely. almost no one comes in after that except on rare occasions i will be busy. if everything is done and there is no one there i can go home at 1130 because thats when the kitchen closes. normally someone will come in just before 11 or slightly after so i can;t go home early. yesterday night was no excaption. 3 people came in and ordered at 10:50. fine whatever i think to myself, i can still get out kind early. nope.. then at like 11:10 two people come in and order. at this point i am very unhappy. then just before the kitchen closes a group of 5 people come in and ordera big dinner. FUCK. at this point i am very unhappy. but oh wait it gets better. the group of 2 have since left. leaving 8 people . at like 1158 the rest of their group comes in, like 5 more people, and expet to order food. thank fucking god the kitchen was closed. so finally when they all left i get to re vaccume , clean up after them and wash all the floors. at like 9 i was so tried and all i wanted to do was come home.... i was very not happy about having to stay till fucking 12 30.
haha the funny thing was when i got home i couldn't even sleep so i stayed up till like 2 or something.
today i ended up sleeping in till about 1230, and have not really done much in the way of productive things. except for a nice walk to the grocery store. horray for walking.

because i am lazy today i have been surfing useless junk and reading some old e-mail that i have saved. it almost makes me sad the way things used to be compared to how they are now. but on the whole i am much happier with things now. last night as i was vaccuming for the first time i was thinking about soul mates. everyone has a different view on them. whether they exist or don;t exist and what being some one;s soul mate actally means. to me it seems like a sappy term for a true kind of relationship you have with a person. to me i dont; think it has to be a romantic bond, but it could be. i think it's finding someone who you feel a strong trusting connection to. for me it;s someone i can be honest with and know that even if they dissagree with what i believe they will try to understand. someone that cares for you and even thought you may be apart for however long your connection keeps you together. a soul mate is like a person, a friend, a lover who is woven into your life, who stays with you as you changeand who undertands you on a different level then everyone else. really i am crap at explaining the wait i think/ feel about this. but o well. in my opinion, i have two soul mates and i know no matter how our lives fluctuate, whether they move closer or further appart , they will always be a part of me and ,even perhaps in the slightest measure, i will love them. what do you think of soul mates? true? false? fantacy?
i may not have made it very far thought this life but i have seen enough to know that the people that are worth keeping around are worth the effort, and will put in some effort as well.

much love, lisa

Blend and balance pain and comfort deep within you

you should all be proud of me haha i just turned down some work. it would have been some nice extra money, but really i don't need the money and i need days off god dam it.. to many times i miss out on things because of work. I'm striving to balance my work addiction. in other news i am also addicted to pocky... for those that don;t know they are very skinny bread stick/ pretzel type things covered in chocolate they are wonderful and deliciouse and fun to snack on. mmmmm sooo good.
not a lot is new with me. i always feel bad about not updating cuz i always want other people to update but really i don;t have a lot to say. other than working at the restaurant , i worked at the conference centre setting sound equipment up for it;s opening.. that was very fun and junk. then on my day off thursday i helped cody paint, took in 73 dollars worth of bottles with tasia and eryn, and then went to help melissa clean up the costume storage at mal.

today and tomorrow i work 6-12 boourns... i slept in but an still tired. sigh. got some school junk done had to send more stupid transcripts to uvic. sigh. hope all that gets sorted out. gonn ahave to start packing soon as i move out at the end of this month and i know time is gonna fly bye just like it already has been. it;s already june! going to seattle next weekend with my mom aunt and tasia. and then a week or so after that it's the matt good concert! yay. and then back to my rents... *sigh* it will be nice not to pay rent but i don;t know what i will do with myself. it will be strange for sure.
o well
anyways.. thats about then end of my interesting list of events or whatever. farewell
*loves*
Relax Slip away....

We love in vain narcissistic and so shallow

i love listening to music in my car. i was't into any of my cd's for a while so i didn;t end up listening to anything in my car for a long time. Then recently i've been rediscovering all my wonderful old music. like marylin manson, he has made some really awesome songs. and done some pretty sweet covers as well, tainted love... sweet dreams.. personal jesus. and the reason they are particularly good in the car ,is because you can really feel the music around you. it;s like your surrounded by the song or in it... *raises eyebrow* marilyn manson ... sooo goood.

you know what i am really excited for.... tomorrow! i get to have a day off. horay. just like these past few days i have been comming to see how much a work. why i am so dumb to work so much. you know the funny thing i keep on telling myself that i will give myself more time off. but then i just accept all the work i get offered... really i think my mother created a monster... she always goes shopping and she is a super bargan hunter. she always shows me her newest "deals" but she is also hard core about saving your money. sooo my want to save money is being spent because of my need to shop. so the little working lisa needs to work all the time to be able to save and buy. i'm a monster i tell you.. A MONSTER...!

I figured a fun thing to do for you guys. i'll organize it and then we can get all excited about it. and trust me.. its fucking awesome

hmm hmm things that make you go hmm

so i totally don't know what to think now... it's been a long time it seems since someone put so much thought into something. i will show you my new found treasure, which i dunno, i guess i don;t deserve? should't have accepted.. but thats out of the question. his hands and voice where shaking
anyways just makes me think, and smile a little

things arn't as pretty on the inside.

"Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind."


i was thinking about this... and it feels true to me. i'm not saying that i am the character who said this or anything. it;s just the idea that people.. i guess guys tend to think of me as this adorable novelty. at least thats how i see it. they seem to like me so much without even really knowing me. It gives the connection a hollow feeling. it makes me feel like a pet. and i am not a pet. i find that i flirt with the idea of someone and then i kinda push them away. or i tell them not to bother with me because i am too much trouble, and if they took off their rose glasses they would be able to see that i am pale and scarred just like everyone else. i'm not saying that is what i am currently doing. In fact i guess i enjoy my current attention however it seems like the same old situation when a boy looses all his senses. I'm tired of goofy eyes. i want a chase, i like a challenge. one day i will have someone thats makes me feel alive. i want to feel alive.

anyways, my thought of the mornin... time for work.

You say the world has come between us, our lives have come between us, still iknow you just don't care

so i did it again. i had some crazy dream where my character in the dream( this time i think it was me) ended up breaking down into tears. i wonder what it means because i really don't feel that upset about anything. in this dream a bunch of us where going on this adventure trip thing... and we had stopped at this big busy store to buy some stuff. this older lady and i where looking at this aqua pastic or something and we where wondering how it worked so i went to customer service where a very useless employee very slowly showed me what i knew and didn't tell me what i didnt,she in the process of showing me she she ruined the product i was thinking of buying. so i ran back to get a new one. i was in a hurry to get back to the group and the store was really crowed and i was dodging around people , i think i then ran outside to check to see where everyone was. they where all waiting for me.. so i ran back in jumped over some bar things the like a police man stopped me and asked me to step outside. it was at this point that i was so frustrated that i collapsed into tears. i was escorted outside by the police officer to a picknic table around the back of the store where he asked me why i was in such a hurry.. and told me that apparely i has poked some lady with a bag i was carrying... ( totally didn;t have a bag but whatever) then that was it. the police officer asked if i had any beer, i said had some in my trunk if he wanted.( the police officer was sitting across the table from me and i think at this point someone was sitting next to me)
then everyone else drove around back to where i was, someone drove my car around for me. and that was basically the end. the was alot more before but i just thought i would share that part.

strange eh. i have always wished that i could determine what dreams mean. i pertty much always dream and very clearly recall what happened. there are many dreams from years ago that i still remember pivotal parts of. o well i will probably never know.

as for today it looks like a waste of garbage, very shortly i will be heading down to the kids fest office to hand in my reciepts for finally get paid back for what i baught. and then guess what i get to go back down there.. probably later today to actually pick up the cheque.. then i get to work at 6, how fucking lame is that like who came up with that system. the annoying part is i'm going to fucking put up with it because i want my 530$ back. a.s.a.p
i guess i will find something to do at home . augh.. they are showing people around my house again today and tomorrow. that is annoying.. means i have to put pants on...

And now what you've all been waiting for...

and update. horay... an extremely long overdue update. it's not my fault i've been retardedly busy.
first thing first kids fest was awesome, a super good fun time. on the whole i would say that i didn;t spend that much time actually working maybe like 25hrs, however i had to spend a lot of time hanging around looking like i was working haha and what took the most effort haha, no jk,.. then everyday after kids fest we would go out or stay in and get liquored.. it;s a tradition. heh a tradition that ended up costing me a good chuck of the money that i earned but... it's totally worth it. anyways then i got back from kids fest and had to work a gig at the college. it was the most beautiful hottest day of the year so far and i was stuck inside a dark box... totally not impressed. o well i'll get some nice over time. then the next two days i went to work at chemainus for some nice 8 hr days.. one of which was a stat holiday so hopefully i get payed moremuhahaha. sun and mon i hung out with cody apres work, then tuesday i worked at the restaurant and got to see some lovely ladies tasia and gabby, horay for a porch oreo. hehe. then yesterday... wait for it... yesterday i had a day completely off... and it was all i thought it could be.. i slept in a bit, got some junk done, cleaned my room( it;s amazing how big it looks now hahaha) made personalized wrapping paper then wrapped my mom;s gifts and gave them to her. then went shopping with gabby tasia and jill. i baught some super cute shirts and the best dress in the world.. but all of those pale in comparison to my new red tea pot and big plate. i love them sooo much . i also had gone shopping the previouse day in my break and got some new capris and shirts and a jacket. really i should be saving my money but honestly, when i work and work and work i need to unwind and waste some of the money i made. i just need it.
anyways after shopping we came home and i made some dinner then we went to pipers with some blankets( apparently not enough hehe) and chilled in the grass. it was nice but to bad we didn;t have a camera. o wells. then came home and chilled.. i passed out like super early. like 10.... i fell asleep. i dunno why i was so tired, i was completely sober. i'm guessing / hoping that i just needed to catch up on some more sleep. i slept solid till like 9. my brain was fully of crazy dreams
it was like a movie... and it seemed like a pretty good movie however there where some parts i found needed a bit more explination.. there was a plot to do with lying.. like there was this group of people who had this kind of power because of lying... like almost magical powers.. anyways there was this one part when i was in the mind of this man and he was in danger of falling from these stairs that where falling apart and his wife is there and ends up telling him that she is on love with another woman.. anyways long story short he finally gets to the ground and had broken down into extreme agony over the loss of his beloved wife that he is sobbing hysterically on the ground. and i can totally feel this emotion. it;s fucking intenst. and then it turns out that i was all a lie. the wife was just saying that to save him or something. i;m not exactly sure how it works but i can kinda see... anyways it was just a dream and mine are strange as hell. but isn't it intense how much you can feel when you are asleep.. it;s like waking up crying that is fucking h-core..

and now for today. woke up to a clean room which was awesome haha. now i am chilling until work.o man opening shifts are a piece of cake. chillen reading on my break. a bit more work then bowling. haza! with cody and melissa and robin. i love 10 pin bowling. : D it will be uber fun and
next thursday i get to go to the chemainus opening with cody, melisa and robin as well. i'm pretty excited.. i'm totally gonna wear my new dress hehe!

anyways i think that is enough useless comentary for now. hopefully now that everyone is caught up on my doings i will be write something kewl. but maybe not. *shrug* it seems like i was gone forever but really i was only out of town for like4 days... weird

kill the bugs

tasia and i just watched star ship troupers... and it was pretty much fucking amazing. well up until the one guy gets his brains sucked out.... sooo fucking intense and ... everyone dies.. eeeee. but terribly entertaining. so today... was the creating of the greatest fruit plate ever. oranges pinapple strawberries, cherries and grapes... all surrounded my nuttella. muahahahahahaha so very delicious. work tomorrow then work for the whole week. anyways

i think that is all ..really i just wanted to express to you how much i loved watching star ship troupers just now.

farewell

did you ever think of me? your so considerate...

i have decided i am very particular about what i like certain things to be like. lots of things i don't care but others... for example, i love being touched. i like when people play with my hair or rub my back or feet. massages are awesome. but i don;t like being touched when i am trying to sleep i have found, it keeps it awake. i defiantly don;t like being touched when i am feeling ill or hung over because i am super sensitive to every feeling. i do like to be held. but not all the time. i like to be free. i have never really liked holding hand it makes me feel like i restrained and i can;t go anywhere on my own. however there have been exceptions... times when i am feeling connected or people that i feel comfortable with. when i feel trapped i tend to get really twitchy and have the insane urge to break free. hmm oh... hmm revilation... perhaps it;s not that i don;t like cuddling but i don;t like the expectation that i have to cuddle. i never like it when someone tells me i have to do something. i guess it is kinda the same except with gestures instead of words. i am such a strange person. i hate when people don;t listen to what you tell them. especially when you are just trying to help them. warn them perhaps of dangers to come. i hate being ignored. it used to happen to me alot.... thought nicely happens much less now. haha people dont cut me off as much anymore yay.. hahah . .

anyways. * large exasperated sigh* what is a girl to do , because yea.... and stuff and junk.. hahaha
i guess i better get dressed and junk.
loves

were just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl..

i had something insightful and poetic and possibly life changing to write however i seem to have forgotten. i was thinking about it as i washed chairs because i had nothing else to do.
hmmm i think it had something to do with life and how we see it. like how sometimes we think we know exactly what is going on with our lives. we think we are in control. obviously life had ups and downs right, and then other times we realize that we know absolutely nothing, and knowing that is more knowledge than "knowing exactly what is going on " does that make sense to anyone?
i am very tired. today at work was excruciating after about an hour my body just started to hurt and all i wanted to do was collapse and not move. that is still what i want to do. i am in a low spot right now, working this past week has slowly stolen my soul. the weather doesn't help, nor does pointless waste of time meetings that i have to go to. at times like these i wish i had a room mate. not even really to talk to, just so i know someone is there. i like to have people near me, it's comforting.
i really need to go to sleep so i can wake up and forget about right now. i hope the weather improves. sometimes you just need a little sunshine to brighten your day.
" you are my sun shine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey...."

anyways bed time for lisa, you know she needs her sleep when she starts singing.

early..ish morning musings

i know this sounds like a horrible thing to say, but sometimes i get really tired of pathetic people. i'm not saying that i am alway better than these people because sometimes i am pathetic myself. i think we all have those moments. but those are just moments... it just drives me nuts, it boggles my brain how people can not make things better for themselves. they are generally just lazy, they sit around and complain. take money for instant. many people complain that they don;t have enough money. well don;t spend it on stupid shit.. or maybe if you worked more than three days a week it wouldn't be a problem. it;s not hard to find a job, especially ridiculously easy ones. think your better than that job? don;t complain about not having money. get off your ass and do something useful for a change. it hurts my head. AHAHAHAHAa i read something today that makes me want to throw my head back and laugh. sometimes i wonder if some people really have any clue about themselves. maybe they should take a step down from their hight horse. maybe they'd see they are sitting on a donkey... no not a donkey they are useful....
perhaps a sheep...

I don't want you to expect anything from me....

It looks to be time for an update. first lets start with todays plan
~ exercise and eat something
~shower and dress
~ do dishes
~make deliciouse sponge cake
~do those dishes
~ go to the college and do junk and stuff
~ do kids fest planning junk
~clean up appt?
~ go for a walk ?
~ go for dinner at rents
~ work

it seems that many things have happened since my last post. indeed they have ... like crazy lady down stairs and the party at gabe. going to see harold and kumar. hearing from uvic... and then all the random adventures in between. the only think that would make it all better, well perhaps not the only thing, would be if it was hot. i long for the warm nights and i know you all do to.
i had a strange dream last night, as i often do. and within it i faced one of my general life issues. i know tim jokes about me having a curse but i don't think he really gets it's true. this "curse" combined with my "semi-selfish freestyle attitude' as of late has presented me with the same issue that arises in the past. boys infatuated with me, they think they really like me but in fact don't know the whole of me. they just see the cute and not the crazy. so anyways i figured telling said people straight up that i was not particularly interested in anyone else. only myself.. at least right now. that i was just doing whatever.. in fact I've mentioned it several times
but i still get the general feeling that i am being a big ass bitch for messing with boys heads. even thought i stated my intentions. are you so attached after a few kisses, one a few of which where when i was sober. two boys on different sides of my world. both very sweet and funny boys. both of whom i explained to that" i am confused and selfish and not ready for anything" but i still see their hope, and i know i will be the bitch when i turn them down or whatever happens right. it seems like a double standard to me. I have been lead on and ditched at the drop of a hat before. i know what it;s like. this is nothing like that. i let everyone know what was in my head, what i am up to. but it seems like i'm not being heard so well. it is just me or do guys get less flack for being a tease or a flirt..? and i ask what the fuck.
In the end i don't want to hurt these boys, because they are sweethearts however i don't think they have much basis for complaint since i told them what was up and like i said really it was just some kissing and cuddling. i'm not writting them off, people just shouldn't expect anything from me right now. it's summer, i'm single and for once trying to do what i want to do.( at least within reason and excluding boys that have a disposition to become infatuated)

I know you well. you are a part of me.

soooo raise your hand if you had a lot of fun yesterday?* raises hand*
hight lights of the day
- bowling
- cupcakes and cake
- double round with mr black in a minute
- roast dinner..minus the very this gravy * lisa dropping ball*
- visiting hawaii
- lazer tag!
-south park... towlie

and now for a little break from that to give my brain cells a fighting chance.
i am finally officially finished school for the summer. horray. now it's just work and work and good times. waiting for the good weather.

i wonder. do you ever thing about yourself and see how well you actually know yourself. i dunno about you but i am constantly surprised at how different i am than how i thought i would be. it's not a bad different, in fact i think i like it. at least for now anyways. moment of clarity are a nice change from the fog.

dududu lisa = bored.. waiting for work
can't wait fro pictures from yesterday eeee
fare well

All you know is when I'm with you, I make you free, and swim through your veins like a fish in the sea.

Note: something important that i left out of my last post.... we played the bean game.

hehe
today i am free. i do not have to work or go to meetings or anything. i have tentative plans that i will keep tentative in my head. no sense setting myself up.
i am not sure what today will be like. dududu made myself a new set of yoga poses to do today. i was getting bored of the other ones. did my exercises and junk and got myself ready for the day. now i am just waiting for things to happen.

last night tasia and i went to walmart, and while walking to and from our cars we had the sense that it was summer. the temperature was a bit off but it was starting to get that feeling and that made me very excited.

anyways i really have nothing to say. i suppose i will go do something productive.

"And if you, Want to leave I can guarantee You won't find nobody else like me"

Can I ever hope to capture the horror and the rapture?

soooo jill threatened to track me down and kill me with a tooth pick if i did not update...
but really that is a lie. she did want me to update.. but not the tooth pick junk.. anyways

soooo... yesterday i wake up ... 8 somethign... i think to myself" fuck this i'm not getting up" so i go back to sleep and end up waking up at 12 something. i decided i should probably get up. so i do , clean , then i decide that i am going to go to victoria to visit some crazy kids i know. talk to tasia.. she is on board.. so 230 ish we head down there. ... long story short. josh goes to work, leaving me tasia, kyle, dustin , ryan and ben to our own devices... first we go for some beer... then we decide to move the pool table from the garage to the living room... 2 and a half hours later we successfully manage to get the pool table into the hallway get it stuck ,, get it unstuck... crack a leg.. dent some walls put a hole in the roof.. get it stuck.. get it unstuck.. and then finally get it back out the front door to put it back in the garage. i think it would have worked ... if only we had taken the legs of.... or maybe hooked twisted.. hook, or maybe twist , twist hook lift... hahahahahhahaha

anyways it was fun . i drew a pic of it. then we played some beans and josh came home and we played a rousing game of what. hehe . it was a fun night.. this morning was not so fun.. i was a little hung. and had to get up and come back to nanaimo and go to work... which was kinda boring . but at least i am not at work right now and that is pretty awesome... in fact so awesome that i am going to celebrate by having a bath...

perhaps i will post something more interesting later.

subliminal rambling

sometimes i wonder how great a fool i really am ... why is it that i take the advice of other people in some instances and then not in other. why do i not listen to my own self. more than ever now i feel like i fool. mostly for wanting what i could have had all along, however that is a futile wish now is it now. i wish i could be the person i am now, in the past, perhaps then i would stand up for what i thought i deserved. instead of accepting what was being given to me. what would have happened if i would have fought. what would my life be life. perhaps happier than it is now. who knows. perhaps things would have gone badly anyways. why is it that i have chose to appease my friends opinions other than my own. why did i chose that moment to stand up for myself. i had been walked over before and am sure that it will happen again . indeed i must be a great fool. or some kind of trickster.
sometimes it feels like people are just playing a game with me. like i am not let in on the full picture. this is not a new notion for me.. for a while it had vanished. however it has returned. it makes me feel like i am annoying to be around. perhaps i am .. thus i do not blame the world for not wanting me around. i annoy myself ..even now i am unsettled and trying to contemplate thing thing that i call my mind.. my thought process.. it is never straight , it wavers from one side to the next as waves on the ocean . fuck me.
if only ha.. perhaps i would let go of a little frustration. tonight has been an odd night,
if only i where able to explain the feeling that had come over me .. i might be able to explain my unsettled state now and the thought that i am pouring oto this page.
i was working on my essay .. i took a break to take a bath and read some of a play. when i got out i read a while longer then .. i was over come by this strange feeling ... i like could not contain myself i felt trapped and alone. uneasy.. and pretty much like i was going crazy. i do not recall ever feeling like that again . it was unsettling. i excersized hoping that my exertion would releave my state. it did not. i came to the computer to find some outlet. i talked to josh and kyle who are sweet in their ways and did help to calm me ... however i am still in a frantic state.
i wish i could run into the night , however i fear for my safetly.. thought i wonder why should i care... i am unhappy now as i am what if it where to change Ha i said... but my mind hold to many contradictions to know what i really mean. kill me now and i might never get the change to feel the way your lips press against mine. the way i feel whole when you are near. me .. listen to this garbange.. why did i know what i wanted when it could have been . do you hear me now.. i am i here now. .. or am i just rambling like the lunatic i have become... perhaps i have lost part of my sanity... it would not come as a shock to me... days in days out.. going through motions that i do not wish to go through .everything i want seems so far away at the moment. do not judge me for my hearts desires. you few with the judgeing eye to presume what it is that is best. who was it that tried to influence my life so?? how do you know better than the people who are in love. who are you to tell people what to do . and so what am i to think . do the devils hold my hand that stabbed me in the back? i wonder why . why why. have things become to be the way they are.. and will they ever be righted again . or is now what shall be . is it true that one day you will find me. love me one again? i truely hope for i am certain i shall never stop for you. perhaps i am a fool indeed.a fool who had a heart to love...

essay what essay..?

i am so exausted. it is strange i don;t normally feel this way when i am sick. it sucks balls. so i should be doing my essay but i really just can;t concentrate. i think i will curl up on the couch and .. i dunno. i don't even really feel sleepy just completely exausted. anyways..
i wanted to write a new blog... but i think it will be hella crappy. i am going to savage for food then lay around and do nothing. i wish someone would take care of me. that is probably the nicest thing ever when you are not feeling well. *kicks self*

camping this weekend
2 more classes to go. yay.

farewell

i went to bed early last night ...

i had a dream that i was happy, then i woke up and it was a lie. i lay in bed thinking about the things that need to be done, the motions i have to go through today, the rest of this week, for months. i have things to think about, be excited about but really i know myself better. i know the sickness that ails me, it's cure cannot be bought.

i have decided that i don't really like going out, i have had many bad experiences doing so. Last night at the dinner for the teachers i had an alright time. tired to make myself feel better by dressing pretty. didn't really work. it was nice to treat the teachers though, it seems they really enjoyed it. the tiny beers i had where nice too.
goals for now...
save money to pay people back..
finish assignments and school junk.
h-core body / be healthy
find something that makes me happy
clean room

wish i could go back to bed...