One acts and snow

today, i gave it to myself. enough said. i think i am a bit better because of it, well at least for now. i got myself all hot to go to the one acts. that made me feel pretty good. the one acts where good. i quite enjoyed the shows. not so much the overlaid one.. but just because i would have liked to see another comedy. after words spencer and i went to rent a movie and i baught some crustinies and milk.. an excellent combo i know. hehe. i didn;t have them together though .:P anyways then we came back to spencer and watched .... STAR DUST.. hehe which i actaully watched last night but decided that i loved.. hehe . because it is cheesy and fantasy, and lovey..and funny.. and bad.. all wrapped into one which i love.. so i am going ot buy it. it will be wonderful. and there is where the snow part comes it.. well the 2 cm of snow that fell was enough to screw my car over. it really does not like weather. it is currenty still snowing... we will see what happens tomorrow. i am suposed to work... but if i cannot get there.. then.. eh... also we will see if there is school. if not. party at my house... WHAT? what .? .. beans? movies... cupcakes good times.. but we will see .. you can never tell with this snow stuff it is very tricky.

anyways good job on the one acts everyone involved. until later.. today... since it is like 230.. heh ..

i hate...

feeling nothing at all. knowing that if something needs to be done i have to do it because no one else will. high matinance people. giving so much of myself to people and feeling little in return. when my kind gestures go un-noticed. lack of motivation. that i i do not know where i stand with you. being a third wheel. wanting to cry half the time. that you arn;t yourself, or i don;t know who you are. thinking so much. not knowing what i want, or need to feel better. FUCKING TIME. that you are being manipulated. that your the only thing that makes me feel better right now. feeling un attractive. letting my friends down. dirty dishes. being unrational. my responsibilities. that i have not been able to overcome this yet. ranting like this because even if it isn't annoying you yet , it;s sure annoying me. myself and my life at this time...fuck it

good intentions

I just don't have the motivation, the inspiration of though. i hate that i feel like junk and can't be positive. i sat down to write out this stupid stuff but i can;t concentrate. there is a crink in my neck. it hurts. i'm doing pretty good keeping up with the things i need to do. that has taken my stress away. i really don;t get why i am still unhappy when many things are good. it;s not like i am activily dwelling on things. i just get these blahs, a little bit in my stomach that isn;t right, that stings.. and then it just gets worse. i thought i was doing pretty good. i want to be doing good. i will be good i will be good i will be good... someday.

if i'm not being useful i might as well read my book. at least it will keep my mind occupied..
take me with you cuz i'm lonely

can i be electric too?

blah. it is sunday. work tonight. i should be working on my model of the set. but that means i have to go to the school and get a model of the theatre which i don't particularly want to do. i am very tired, exaused you could say. it feels like i am fighting something. i am not certain of what. it's just like there are a bunch of external forces pushing on me. i don;t know how i manage sometimes. it always seems like there is so much to do. work, theatre work, assignments, applications, set design, printmaking, life. pft. i know i shouldn;t but i want to do nothing today. we will see.

looking back. thursday hung out with tasia. hehe yay james macavoy(spelling) then friday the fucking workers where hammering at fucking 8... they are useless. augh... i'm not going to get into it.. but i hate them. got up cleaned my apartment. went to work. went to eryns and got way to messed up, curse you wine. saturday went to work at the theatre, *sigh* disorganization. thats another thing.. i am going to have to prepair shit so that the silly people renting the theatre get what needs to get done in their next rehearsal, becuase i can;t stay late. i have to go to work directly after. *sigh* then to work. which was horrible. i wasn't feeling particularly well from the previous night. i was very clumsy, and a little creeped out. i had this dream where one of my co workers acted very inappropriately and it basically just freaked me right out. because all the things he normally does, talking to me and making silly comment which i normally think nothing of, just seemed way weird. like offering me beer? " i seem like the kinda girl"wtf is that supposed to mean?! anyways i will be fine. it was just another stress that i don't need though.
apres work i went to visit spencer. he told me of the shenanigans of citt, which i am so jealous and sad that i missed. *cries*

i am not looking forward to this week, but am excited for it to be over. it seems so far away. why can't i just skip all the junk in between. this time i will not forget the bean game. or What?
i want to paint. but i know i will feel guilty about doing it. in fact i feel kinda bad now for not having started anything. i think i just feel crappy actually. sometimes i just want to give up, and forget about all the things i have to do. but i totally know that isn't an option.
"no peace i find, just an old sweet song, keeps georga on my mind."
Bah, sunday

you bleed for me, i'll bleed for you

i was just looking at some old things that people send me. they filled me with warm fuzzies. i like that. i am feeling terribly unproductive today. i am very temped to not do anything. but i really should go do my print project. last night what fun and scary all at the same time. the scary dancing lady was the worst. the snow was fun and so was pretending to be on a ship outside. man that was beautiful. i'm glad i had that moment with you guys hehe
i am looking forward to being a rock star. even thought i am frightened to break things when i sing. i think i will bring down a treat if i have time. :O eeee
i am doing pretty good on my list of things to do, the main one was the set design. i was really nervous about it , but it seemed to go over well. nice. haha now i just have to do a model, but i have till wednesday and this sunday to work on it. next step is to get off my lazy ass and do my print project. i hope it works out good. i work lots coming up. which is good because i will save more money. apparently i am good at being a waitress. kong, the manager, said he was gonna try and put me on more big reservations because because i did really well, and was organized, and everyone was happy. that made me feel pretty good. ummmmm
i want to write more but i am not sure what about. haha i guess i am just trying to procraztinate. balls. hehe . hmm i guess i will go and get dressed. i dunno why, but for some reason i feel really good right now. like i am super awesome. maybe it's because i am awesome, maybe i have soemthing to look forward, maybe because i slept in and don't have to work tongiht. " life was on our tounges, it tasted heavenly" dudud i am fucking sweet and you know it bitches. haha i dunno. i am proud of me. * shrug* whatever . to shower.
foolishly yours,
lisa

the stories undone. unravel at the seams

i wonder what you think about me. i'm not perfect, i'm not fixed i'm not anything amazing. you wanna know about putting on a smile, a happy face. i will write you a book. I'm not happier now. I am walking through a series of distractions, a few happy moments maybe. i am not above you, no steps ahead. perhaps you did some good. at least it seems i'm being more responsible and getting things done. I'm trying to make things better for the future. fuck them now. now is task after task of life. no use trying to fix it. I'm just looking past it. I'm trying to make myself better, isn;t that what you wanted for yourself? what happened to that? was it just an excuse at the time? do you really want it ?I wonder what you think my motives are. i'm not going to the bar to pick up guys. there are none. This is what i think is best, for us, at this time. no it isn't fun. yeah it hurts. i'm not jumping for joy here. putting two broken things together doesn't fix them. they probably only look that way till they fall apart. I don't know the answers. i don't know if there are any. i hope this does not make you sad, it isn't intended to. i want you to know what i think because i have no clue about you. i have some thoughts , but no real clue. i never asked for a smile. all i wanted to know was how you felt, why you felt what you thought. you gave me answers, but it that what you really mean? i am beyond confused. so i tried to make thing simpler and they got more confusing. all i want is the best, that takes time. so why do i feel like the bad guy.
I suppose it is my mistake. you told me you would be fine. that you could handle it. how did it turn into double standards? don't tell me you are fine when you are not, don't think i don't know any better.

i bet you look good on the dance floor

Stupid facebook is being a bastard. fuckin with sit. bastard. *sigh*


anyways lets see what is new, or possibly exciting. i have accomplished two of the 3 steps for applying to the theatre program at uvic. unfortuantly step three has like 5 thing i have to do. bastard.


i went down to uvic on friday to visit me boyEs. hung around playing you don;t know jack with ben and dusting dusting while kyle and josh where working. also during that time we walked to the mall and i baught a new game called what. it is hella sweet and fun and junk. we will play it and you will be amazied with awe...*shrug*

This is Dustin and i being classy with our chosesn drinks... i'm pretty sure that is beer in my wine glass. by this point we had both finised our own bottles of wine. but yea,. i will post the rest of my pics on facebook when it stops being a bastard. not that there are very many pictures nore are they partinularially intessting.. this is the best for sure. i had a wonderful time in victoria as i always do. like tasia said it is nice to know that you are wanted. not that i generally feel unwanted but ya know. it;s still nice. i cannot describe the silly little things that those kids do that makes doing nothing so enjoyable. gotta love em . hehe like who puts their foot out of a car window for no reason... everyone in the car... at the same time. haha it really seems like not thing.. or full out wrestling for shotgun... hookers and blow.. nice.. hahahahah

hmm. last night, directly after returning home from victoria i went in early to work. and had a 40 person reservation. it was nuts. however i did make 130 worth of tips, and i got a glow bracellet. that made me feel special. then after work i went out with two coworkers, my boss , his wife and his friend. we went to the foundy then to the pool hall.. it was an intersting and strange outing. *shrug* on the way back we got stopped at a road block. there where 4 of us in the back seat epp. so i squished down and hid. i was sooo sure they where going to see me.. but luckily they did not... nice.

hmmm hmm i am very tired right now. i had hoped to get more of a set design done today.. i supose i still can however i am very tired and not feeling particularially creative. really i would just like to go to bed. i supose it is a good thing face book is being a bastard, maaybe now i will get soem work done... still so very tired though...

i am not looking forward to getting up tomorrow... not at all.. balls and all that jazz.

fool me once, shame one you... fool me twice, shame on me

i am talented. i am beautiful. im a good cook. i bake deliciouses treats to share. i am an artist. i am a passionate and caring lover, a good friend. i am a hard worker. i make amazing cocktails. i can find a bargin like nobody's busines. i give wonderful and creative gifts. i have an amazing body, i'm fun to be with. i'm good to cuddle with. i'm giving. i'm inventive. i like dumb puns. i am not high maintenance. i enjoy the simple things in life and see/take joy in the beauty around me. though i don't have a lot to say but i will listen forever. i am compassionate and loving.
Pink, Mama Lisa, baby squirrel, Papa, mutha hen, sunshine, the queen of hearts, millie, miss mussy.
i suppose over the past little while i have been thinking about myself. how i portray myself. the things listed above are things about me that i like and i think make me an interesting person. i dunno. i was thinking about it yesterday at work. there are many things that most people don't know about me. most of the time i think nothing of myself. i am what i am and thus do what i do. there are times when i think i am wonderful ,and amazing... however i also think i am terribly boring and nothing special. though that kind of thinking is just like me. never can keep my mind straight on things.
well apparently i am special. but how i do not know.


haughh .... well that is enough of that garbage. let me tell you about my walk. it was Sunday. and i had been cooped up two days previously. so i decided to burn off a little engery and go for a walk to get some coffee. i thought perhaps i would sit and read a book. however when i got there, i found i needed to walk more. so i started to head downtown on the highway. i was sunny but fucking cold. i had my music thought and was in good spirits. i thought about many things, and was at peace with them. i decided that enough was enough , i would acquire a taste for wine... so i can be classy and stuff. i decided to head down to port place mall to the bc liquor store. on my way i went along the sea wall. there where a few familes. some old men walked dogs, who i smiled a. they smiled back and went on their way. it made me happy making someone else smile. i notice there where many old couples walking together. i wondered if people in out time will make it that far? how many of us, if we choose to get married will stay together until we die. times are different now right. i dunno.

anyways so i continued along the seawall, past the port and up to the mall where i discovered that the liquor store was closed. oh well i don;t really need the wine anyways. i baught myself a piece of chicken for a snack. then looked at the art in the little gallery. i can paint equally as good if not better than those artists. i wish i could just paint , and make things, and be an artist. i think one day i will be able to. i continued on my way. past the casino, past acme and pirate chips. up past the keg, delicato's and into the old city quarter. i stopped into that new age shop and baught some really nice candles and insents. and then into a fugdge/ chocoalte shop. and baught some deliciouse dark chocolate almond bark. tasia texted me to i headed home. on my way just past the oxy, was a sign. it read" come try our B.C. wines" so i said "alright. so i picked up a bottle and started back on my way. i felt very good. it was like i knew what was up. i was confident and cheerful. i walked through a park, and took a turn on a merry go round. i felt like a character in a movie. the brilliant, artsy, spontaniouse girl that the leading man falls for.

when i returned home tasia came to hang out shortly after. i started to drink my wine which was not that bad. i will buy it again. later that night tasia, laura and i went to see atonement. which was something. something i cannot describe.
i finished my bottle after the movie. hah it was a satisfying day.

the next day , tasia and i tried out taste at beer. that did not go so badly either. thought i am much to tired of typing at the moment to type it out.

capture the moments that i can. enjoy what there is i can enjoy. time will bring what i am missing. times like this do not last forever.

What'll you do when you get lonely, And nobody's waiting by your side?

i want to get out. i want to see and be seen. it feels like i have been cooped up forever. two whole days is long time for me not to do much of anything. i think it makes me go a little loopy. yesterday as i was driving to my parents, i thought what it would be like if i changed my name to layla. most of you know that i am not particularly fond of my name. i don't think it really fits me. lisa just isn't very interesting to me. not that i think layla would be perfect for me either.

i feel very trapped right now. like I have been compressed and i need to spring and release myself. this could be because of my past two days. but i think that it is more than that. i need to go somewhere and do something that excites me. i think i am bored here. if not in this place then with my state of life. i know i am not happy.

another funny thing i noticed while driving. i go kinda strange when i am not content with my life. i become quite eccentric. the way i think changes, i do small things differently. and i get a intense need to change things about myself. normally they are physical things because those are easier. i have seen it before in myself and i am sure i will see it again. it makes me think that i have a few personalities. this may seem dumb or strange but it;s like there was more to me than one person. never mind i cannot describe it. i most likely have gone loopy. i have killed to many brain cells, i have watched too many movies in the past three days.

i need to break free, the only problem is i don't know how. i want to accomplish great things. but i have no drive to do it. it all seems to much effort why bother. i think other people have more faith in my than i have myself. i almost always fell that when i am doing things i am just fumbling by. like i was lucky that something worked out for me in the end.BAH i have a love hate relationship with myself. whatever i know that. what is really important right now. what really matters to me at this instant is
what the fuck am i going to do today?

bored on saturday night

that is me. today started lazy. then after some more sleeping in( complete with it's strange dreams) i burst into action, cleaning my apartment and it;s many... many dirty dishes. then i gathered up my 3 bags full of laundry and headed to my parents. did some laundry, ate some roast watched a movie. sigh. so many movies. came home. made myself over. realized it was 8. lame. tried to make plans. failed. lost motivation. started writing blog. there are many more things i could be doing... helpful useful things i could be doing. but i just don't feel like it anymore.

really i should just sink into some music. i would really like to go out for a walk but do not feel safe enough to do so by myself. hmm hmm things that make you go hmmm...
hmmm he he
one more day to fill before school. perhaps tomorrow i will get some more useful things done.
fuck sitting around i need something to do. ....
popcorn

i knew this was a dream, it was too go to be true.

blah garble godod sigh.... oh colin firth, you bring me joy. heh. watching pride and prejudice. huddled away in my messy apartment. i may need a break from gatherings here for a while. we leave quite a mess. and i do tire of cleaning. also after my great night last night i think that i should take a break from some other activities. at least for a while to clear my head. i am hungry but to lazy to go and eat. and make stuff. ugg jghsk guuh blarjjskjgshfkjg hmmm
i am many things today. i want company, yet to be alone. i want to be loved and taken care of , yet cannot accept it. i want to sleep time away, but my back hurts to lie down. heh it could use a good gentle hand. i am worried. i am confused. i am angry, i am happy. i am lazy...unsure. you are destrying ,me as you bring me to life. i like the new shirts that i baught. my head hurts. this is a rather depressing post for the new year. what ever. fuck it. :P hehehe .

what is so special about a new year anyways. different numbers to write. that is all. what to make for food what to make. tasia and i watched memoirs of a geisha. it;s such a nice movie. to stop a man in his tracks with one look. ha what a game.,, isn;t that what we are playing. pitted against one another. making our moves. keeping it in , letting it out. forget it all. *sigh*
i am screaming with silence. i am a silly girl. making a fuss for nothing. my life is not hard, i am talented. i am screaming with silence. ........... you hear the words i don;t speak. do you know what they mean. *sigh*
i am... nothing different than i always am
take no note, it means nothing

your songs won't stop ringing in my head

i have had a pretty fucken good week, if i do say so myself. aside from work which has been very slow lately. let me start where i left off i supose. the 23rd, i don;t rembmer what i did, i think just worked.
the 24th i quickly helped josh wrap some gifts. we exchanged our gifts. eeeee he gave me one of the best things ever . i dunno when but i mentioned something about this old movie i used to watch when i was a youngin, and he found it for me and made it into a dvd! you cannot understand how happy that made me. he also gave me a game that we always play together which i will have to show you becuase it is uber fun. and music and a book. then worked, then went over to joshes and played board games and guitar hero.
then i headed over to my parents house to spend the night so i was there for christmas.

Christmas. got up around 10. opened some presents , kenny called. got new dishes to match my set. some pasta thing, noises off !( that i have to go pick up from my parents) gift card. some drink mixes.
then we went to my aunts and sat and talked... then we went to my grammies where we played some you don;t know jack, and had some deliciouse dinner. then pass the ace. then i came home and spencer came over and we watched hudson hawk. which he baught me! and i llove it.. hehe sush a weird movie but it;s fucking awesome. i lovelovelove it.
then boxing day i slept in. no shopping for lisa. and i worked. work was dead and boring. josh came over for a bit and we watched some of flight of dragons. but he had to go to dinner. ummm
the 27th... i went and gave martha her present. and painted eryns pic she wanted me to do . and also painted some more of a painting i am working on . and then made an apple crisp and started a roast dinner. because josh, his sister serina, and dustin dame over for dinner and board games. serina whent home and the boys and i continued playing, kaitlyn came home and we started drinkin more.. haha we played this game called Queef, it;s like fuck you in a way, but more structured.. it;s hard to explain but it was really fun. anyways we all ended up having many drink. yesterday was soo hung over... was in bed until like 230. when josh called me to go get some fast food

so josh dusting and i traveled to A&W then back to my house for some more settlers. i was still very hung over.. and had to go to work. but ended up getting to go home early becuase i was "sick". i did really feel like shit thought. but i pulled through and went to joshes where me him kyle and dusting played some more settlers. then josh and i played guitar hero . which i am actualy getting not so bad at hahah. yes go me.

then i drove home and ended up getting pulled over. for going to fast, even though iwasn;t going that fast. but i didn;t get a ticket... i think the cop was just bored, since it was really late at night. anyways then sleep for many hrs. which was good. more time to recover form hung over ness.

as of now i am going to shower then , to get my movie, and prob watch it with spencer. then get to see jilly tonight ! yay ...

damn i still have to do the dishes... balls.

i think if i could go back in time , i would stay here forever. or if i could take a chance, i would fly past this time all together.

switch the cd and change the tune to your life

christmas punch.
1/3 oz. creme de menth
2/3 oz. light rum.
gingerale.
mix above. pour into short glass with ice. pour in a bit of grenadine and creme de menth without stiring to make it red and green.

I have just returned from my family christmas gathering. it was alright but for some reason i got really tired as soon as i got there.. perhaps partially because i was really bored or partially because i spent the past two nights partying it up? who knows. anyways it is a cold night alone now. kaitlyn has gone home to be with the fam. which is good, i know she wanted to go home.
i think i will just vege on the computer. i need the rest. haha i have not slept in my own bed for 5 days. hahahaha. tomorrow and monday i work. i do not think i will do much in the day but hang around. which is probably good as well. perhaps not particularly interesting. but whatever.

i have a bunch of songs stuck on my head. ahaha i am addicted to them at the moment. it;s nice though. it;s good to have as different tune now and then.

" arn't you such a catch , what a prize, got a body like a battle axe. love that perfect frown , honest eyes, we ought to buy you a Cadillac"

i am soo very tired. i am excited for future days. i have a craving for guitar hero. once you have a taste all you want is more! eeeeee. hahaha
i really have nothing to say so that be it.

"we were alive -- we were pure"

what... the .. fuck ... my apartment is sooo fucking cold. it for some reason has stopped producing heat. in response to it being literally colder than outside, i have turned the stove on, a few lights, sectioned off the smaller rooms and lit about 14 candles to try and help generate heat. progress is slow but steady.

lisa's last couple of days go as follows:
tuesday- josh comes to visit we adventure in liquidation world and watch some galaxy quest. i got to work. work = lame, because of two old stupid people who come at 10 and stay right till the resaturant closes.. bitches. after work i leave with josh and travel to Victoria!. where there is a kyle waiting. sit around, play some you don;t know jack... bed.

wednesday. - sleep in. lounge. guitar hero, haha i was getting better! shopping adventure with kyle and josh. to computer store, future shop and the mall. i baught kyle two gum balls and each of the boys a bouncy ball. heheh. josh almost ate his because he thought it was a gum ball at first.
hmmm then you don;t know jack, distracting dustin from the studying he should have been doing. matrix, south park, pool, lounging bed.

thursday - sleep in,, way in . lounging. i make the boys waffles. play two rounds of guitar hero. then just after two josh drives me to timmy ho's on duncan where my dad picks me up.
drive home lounge. work. party at eryns! hahahahah puddle hug. invention of the atomic pinapple... it goes at fallows
1/3 oz absinth
2/3 oz pinaple malibu
top up glass with pinapple juice(about an oz and a 1/2). use one ice cube in a champagne flute, or pineapple shaped glass. if you use a bigger glass double the booze. maybe put a cherry in it just for fun.

yea hmm hmm and now i am just chilling until work. after work i will venture to spencers for some more drinks and such.

hmmmmmm. things that make you go hmmmmm
lOve

hmmm snow,

so i am sitting here, just waiting around, lookin at blogs. and i think what is that funny thing that i see through the blinds. i go and take a look and low and behold it be snowing. and it;s hella coming down. it is too wet to be sticking but , i am undecided if i would enjoy the snow being around. it will probably turn to rain. infact i went and checked the weather and apparently it's already raining... good thing i have the weather net work to tell me what the weather is, my eyes seem to be deceiving me. how can i trust the weather reports to tell me what the weather is like tomorrow if it is lieing to me about today

anyways... yesterday i did lots of knitting. yay. if i am lucky i will finish my rents chirstmas present. i also went to my other house and ate waffles and sausages mmmm deliciouses. and decorated the christmas tree. then i went to go see i am legend. i am reminded that i really don;t like those kinds of movies.... there was one part.. it was sooooooooo sad. i probably almost cried.

speaking of that there was an SPCA comerical on and that almost made my cry too. i had pictures of animals and some of them had been hurt. seriously i had to fight to keep composed. i feel a lot of compassion for animals.

hmm two days ago... tasia and i watched a weird movie... it was not particularly good. then work, then came home and nathan tasia and martha came over, and we listened to this meditative tape thing. but it was weird and we all ended up falling asleep.

not much is up, i have tomorrow , saturday , christmas, boxing day , and the 29th off , if anyone wants to do anything. other than that i am up for stuff after work if people want. or possibly before.
As for newyears, i work , but it will be no later than 11. i have talking to kaitlyn and she is ok with haveing some people over here.. max 15 possibly,,, but i don;t think we really need that many. i'm kewl with just you guys pretty much. possibly afew more. i'm more for a friendly gathering that an party party. ya know.
anyways soooo i might have to work until 11, and kaitlyn mig tbe with terry... soo i dunno jill.. is it ok if people chill at your house until then ? or i'm ok with people over here when i am at work, cuz i know your guys won;t be stupid retards and i trust you. yes? sooo jill tell me what you think, everyone else what do you think? have any other ideas?...
i dunno.

tra la la.
adieu

you hurt me with words and i scratch up your face

i just had a terrible dream. it started out not so bad. there was some dog party at james' house( but it didn;t look like it) lots of people had their dogs and some cats. they where all white. i had with me a cat and a dog. the dog was snowball or something and the cat was sugar. for some reason i had this kit, and in it was dog makeup? just a little container. i was baffled by it.i walked around the house, through all the people that i didn't recognize. looking at all the animals. then the dream started over. i was the only one that had animals. but they where not with me. instead people where drinking and preparing to go to the bar. i was in my kitchen washing the sink. martha and spencer where drinking some wine in funny little bottles. one was mine that they where going to drink. i asked if it would be alright if i came to the bar with them. however the event co-ordinator said no. after this i was angry and when to sit on the couch, where shortly after i got into a big fight with the co-ordinator and said many horrible things and had them said to me. i theatened to hurt him is he continued, which he did, so i hit him. and as i was leaving i used my nails to scratch into his forehead. some how i had a broom and was theatening to smash the handle over his head. but i didnt, i pretened to then said " this is my mercy" and walked outside and broke it over something. i called for the animals that i had braught with me, and shortly after they both came.we started to rive the short distance home, when somehow the person i was fighting with was like hovering outside my car as i was driving( i think it must have been in my head) he said more horrible things. i was crying and ignoring him. then he said " fine don't listen" and dissapeared. and i remember though i wanted him gone because he had hurt me so bad, i was sad that he had left. and thats where i work up. realizing that it was 1245. and that i had wasted ha;f of my day.
not that i had anything important to do anyways.
i hope that this is not a reflection of how my winter break is going to be. days like this one are not good. and it should be my responsibility to fix them. i don't think i am doing so bad now, as the dream beginning to fade from my memory. thats the thing with my dreams they are so clear they are real.

i am definably still in a slump. i decided that if i cannot be happy by myself, then i am not happy in general, with myself and with my life. will you all help me. this is not something i ask very often. I'm actually quite stuborn on the fact, but seeing as i can quite get through all of this on my own i would really like some advice. any advice, anything that i could try.... i'm just so tired of feeling low all the time.

ummm thats all for now.

Doesn't make sense i know, but...

i don't understand why some days are so different from others. yesterday i was fine i was happy. but today is horrible. i don't know what happened. how and why did that good feeling just fade away. why can't i just remember it? remember that it's there. or is it really there in the first place. all i know is its gone. and with that my motivation.. i have done nothing today, which is pathetic. i just sat around all day feeling fucking sad and sorry for myself. my stupid, lazy, lonely self. it's fucking pathetic.
thats the worst part of this. these random days of sad.
one of my friends ben made a cd. it's pretty neat/good. you should check it out, go to my facebook group" bens imaginary band" you can Dl it.

thats all, there isn't anything else to say. this is one of bens songs

Do you have to pretend I don't exist?
does it make you happy when I'm not around
am I at the very end of your list
why do you make me feel so put down
maybe now I'll disappear

Doesn't make sense I know
but you make me feel better when I'm feeling low
silence isn't as sweet
but I love every moment whenever we meet

There is nothing I want more than to see you smile
have you ever considered - the fault is all mine
never anything to you and all the while
I know I'll just disappear

Doesn't make sense I know
but you make me feel better when I'm feeling low
silence isn't as sweet
but I love every moment whenever we meet

but i don't know how, to get it back to good

It's nothing, it's so normal you
Just stand there I could say so much
But I don't go there cuz I don't want to
I was thinking if you were lonely
Maybe we could leave here and no one would know
At least not to the point that we would think so

Everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking about
Somebody else
It's best if we all keep it under our heads
I couldn't tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do
But I'm lonely now, and I don't know how
To get it back to good

This don't mean that, you own me
This ain't no good, in fact it's phony as hell
But things worked out just like you wanted too
If you see me out you don't know me
Try to turn your head, try to give me some room
To figure out just what I'm going to do

And everyone here, hates everyone here for doing just like
They do
It's best if we all keep this quiet instead
And I couldn't tell, why everyone here was doing me like
They do
But I'm sorry now, and I don't know how
To get it back to good

Everyone here, is wondering what it's like to be with
Somebody else
Everyone here's to blame, everyone here
Gets caught up in the pleasure of the pain, everyone hides
Shades of shame, but looking inside we're the same, we're
The same
And we're all grown now, but we don't know how
To get it back to good

Everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking 'bout
Somebody else
It's best if we all keep this under our heads
I couldn't tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do
But it's over now, and I don't know how, it's over now
There's no getting back to good

have you ever find that there are sound tracks for different parts of your life. different albu,s that depict how you feel, and whats going on. then that music forever reminds you of that time in your life, sometimes to the point where you can't listen to it ?? it happens to me all the time. some things that i remember
cold chamer, spine shank, aslip knot,= grade 9
finger eleven = summer of 2004 driving around in james' van late at night
marlyn manson , tool , NIN = first half of grade 12
APC, porcupine tree = second half of gr 12 , with spencer
panic at the disco= my caribean cruise
three days grace, one X - the hell of last december
matchbox twenty - now
it;s funny that my last two novembers an decembers have been bad. this one is more sad than angry. it;s the end of three years, which is very sad. and like that song says. i don;t know what to do with myself. i want to be happy. but i am too scared to take chances. not that i can see that possibly working out for me anyways, not any time soon.
i want this school year too be over. i want summer to come and go and i want to be gone from here. i want someone to find me and realize how amazing i am , and love me for it. because thats what i deserve. i deserve more than i have been given in the past. i want to believe i won;t settle for less, again. but right now i feel that anything is almost better than nothing.
I don;t like working many days in a row at night. it makes me feel like i have no life, or have not accompished anything. which is silly because i have done thing. last night i went to the golden compas with jill gregoire tasia and nathan .. and it was fucking sweet. and before that people came and watched movies with me... but even with all that, i still feel like i haven;t accompished anythign .. it;s this stupid work like this... it makes me depressed.
two more days and it will be over...

but for now balh.
~lisa~
p.s. i suggest you listen to this song as you read it. it makes it better. matchboxtwenty. back to good.

chaos sheer chaos

day two of 6 over. this red room thing is so very ridiculous. there is no organization what so ever. i will tell you all about it if i make it out alive. :p *sigh* at least i am getting payed. i am very tired. at least i don't have to worry about school. one exam, that is all .

i am listening to the songs that remind you of me. it makes me happy that you don't forget me.

i have a fantasy. a vision of my life down the road. it's seems to real. it's beautiful.
i was thinking earlier, i was knitting, ahaha and the thought occured to me that i am ment to be a mother. not now for certain. but you can see it in the way i act. hahah mama lisa right. i dunno. to be honest i cannot wait for that time to come. i know it will not be soon hahaha i would no be so foolish. years from now. it will be beautiful. a little girl perhaps. could you imagine me with a little girl. we would be the cutest pair. and in the fantasy of my life to come, she would be the ultimate joy of her father.nhahahah i am talking silly for this is indeed a fantasy. a beautiful dream. i might as well look to the future. when i will be truley happy next. who knows when that will be. i know it isn't now. right now i;m just lonley. i've dealt with the pain, now if only i could get rid of being lonley. i might as well look to the future, cuz is isn't going to be soon.

" Someone must have loved you ,Not the way that I do..."

4 more days of chaos. at least i'm getting payed.*sigh* so tired. at least i have the mornings off.
i wanna thank you guys for always comming over. it makes me happy.
i think it is time for lisa to go to bed now.
nightynight
"I don't know what it means, But I've been wondering, Who let you go? "

wholly crapy snow eh

i guess the weather made up it;s mind to do it's thing. i expected it to be going away by now. hahah yesterda i work up at 8 and looked outside expecting to see a nice while landscape however i was misteaken, i decided to go back to bed. woke up though to myself maybe i'll go shopping. i walk down the hall. hmm the sky looks very while is it foggy. oh no, it was like 3 inches of snow. hahaha there when my shopping plan, since we all know... my car and the snow doing get along.
so i tided the appartment and when out to brave the elements to bring our rent to the office.
then i just chilled until spencer gave me the yes or no on our trip to vic.
friday tim asked if i wanted to go help out on tool call in vic and i was all for it. anyways we where still going so at 6 we started heading out, picked up tony and drive. specners step dad offered to drive us which was goood.so much snow.
i estimate there where between 35 and 40 cars stranded on the highway to vic. there where at least 15 on the malahat. but we made it.. haha no snow in victoria. we meet up with tim and got some warm drinks before we where allowed to go backstage.
when we finally where. spencer, tony and i did some paper work and recieved our extra large oranger shirt. we where pushers. ( also present people designated to lights, sound, video, rigging, stage carps) we took all the loaded crates and braught them to the trucks, then loaded them on.
it;s was pretty simple, the where people who told you what to do. which was good. haha ther was a lot of stuff to move. anyways we finished the call at the like 2: 30 is.. then we got a ride home with tim, because harry and spencers mom had gotten a hotel room and we didn;t want to stay the night. which was probably a good idea because .. as i can see it started snowing again and it is probably more difficult to drive back now that it was last night. the roads where fairly clear.

soo the school is closed for the weekend... i wonder if it will be open tomorrow. i have my final print making class. i am sooo glad i did my print on friday. also i have a gig, that honestly i would be upset missing, except for the fact that i have that gig until sunday and that would make us behind.
but it's up in the air..because it;s hella snowing now. but the weather network says that the temperature is suposed to go upt o like 8degrees. and it is suposed to rain.
who knows. all i know is that i cannot wait for this week to be over with. i have to work every night at the college then i have a night off for the christmas party.. then i work at the restuanat... yay day off them two more days...
lots of work.. which is supose is good

anyways i have nothing really to talk about.
if the college is closed tomorrow i say we all get together here for some good snowy times ....say perhaps involving a snow fort??? and cough cough who knows
*love*