All you know is when I'm with you, I make you free, and swim through your veins like a fish in the sea.

Note: something important that i left out of my last post.... we played the bean game.

hehe
today i am free. i do not have to work or go to meetings or anything. i have tentative plans that i will keep tentative in my head. no sense setting myself up.
i am not sure what today will be like. dududu made myself a new set of yoga poses to do today. i was getting bored of the other ones. did my exercises and junk and got myself ready for the day. now i am just waiting for things to happen.

last night tasia and i went to walmart, and while walking to and from our cars we had the sense that it was summer. the temperature was a bit off but it was starting to get that feeling and that made me very excited.

anyways i really have nothing to say. i suppose i will go do something productive.

"And if you, Want to leave I can guarantee You won't find nobody else like me"

Can I ever hope to capture the horror and the rapture?

soooo jill threatened to track me down and kill me with a tooth pick if i did not update...
but really that is a lie. she did want me to update.. but not the tooth pick junk.. anyways

soooo... yesterday i wake up ... 8 somethign... i think to myself" fuck this i'm not getting up" so i go back to sleep and end up waking up at 12 something. i decided i should probably get up. so i do , clean , then i decide that i am going to go to victoria to visit some crazy kids i know. talk to tasia.. she is on board.. so 230 ish we head down there. ... long story short. josh goes to work, leaving me tasia, kyle, dustin , ryan and ben to our own devices... first we go for some beer... then we decide to move the pool table from the garage to the living room... 2 and a half hours later we successfully manage to get the pool table into the hallway get it stuck ,, get it unstuck... crack a leg.. dent some walls put a hole in the roof.. get it stuck.. get it unstuck.. and then finally get it back out the front door to put it back in the garage. i think it would have worked ... if only we had taken the legs of.... or maybe hooked twisted.. hook, or maybe twist , twist hook lift... hahahahahhahaha

anyways it was fun . i drew a pic of it. then we played some beans and josh came home and we played a rousing game of what. hehe . it was a fun night.. this morning was not so fun.. i was a little hung. and had to get up and come back to nanaimo and go to work... which was kinda boring . but at least i am not at work right now and that is pretty awesome... in fact so awesome that i am going to celebrate by having a bath...

perhaps i will post something more interesting later.

subliminal rambling

sometimes i wonder how great a fool i really am ... why is it that i take the advice of other people in some instances and then not in other. why do i not listen to my own self. more than ever now i feel like i fool. mostly for wanting what i could have had all along, however that is a futile wish now is it now. i wish i could be the person i am now, in the past, perhaps then i would stand up for what i thought i deserved. instead of accepting what was being given to me. what would have happened if i would have fought. what would my life be life. perhaps happier than it is now. who knows. perhaps things would have gone badly anyways. why is it that i have chose to appease my friends opinions other than my own. why did i chose that moment to stand up for myself. i had been walked over before and am sure that it will happen again . indeed i must be a great fool. or some kind of trickster.
sometimes it feels like people are just playing a game with me. like i am not let in on the full picture. this is not a new notion for me.. for a while it had vanished. however it has returned. it makes me feel like i am annoying to be around. perhaps i am .. thus i do not blame the world for not wanting me around. i annoy myself ..even now i am unsettled and trying to contemplate thing thing that i call my mind.. my thought process.. it is never straight , it wavers from one side to the next as waves on the ocean . fuck me.
if only ha.. perhaps i would let go of a little frustration. tonight has been an odd night,
if only i where able to explain the feeling that had come over me .. i might be able to explain my unsettled state now and the thought that i am pouring oto this page.
i was working on my essay .. i took a break to take a bath and read some of a play. when i got out i read a while longer then .. i was over come by this strange feeling ... i like could not contain myself i felt trapped and alone. uneasy.. and pretty much like i was going crazy. i do not recall ever feeling like that again . it was unsettling. i excersized hoping that my exertion would releave my state. it did not. i came to the computer to find some outlet. i talked to josh and kyle who are sweet in their ways and did help to calm me ... however i am still in a frantic state.
i wish i could run into the night , however i fear for my safetly.. thought i wonder why should i care... i am unhappy now as i am what if it where to change Ha i said... but my mind hold to many contradictions to know what i really mean. kill me now and i might never get the change to feel the way your lips press against mine. the way i feel whole when you are near. me .. listen to this garbange.. why did i know what i wanted when it could have been . do you hear me now.. i am i here now. .. or am i just rambling like the lunatic i have become... perhaps i have lost part of my sanity... it would not come as a shock to me... days in days out.. going through motions that i do not wish to go through .everything i want seems so far away at the moment. do not judge me for my hearts desires. you few with the judgeing eye to presume what it is that is best. who was it that tried to influence my life so?? how do you know better than the people who are in love. who are you to tell people what to do . and so what am i to think . do the devils hold my hand that stabbed me in the back? i wonder why . why why. have things become to be the way they are.. and will they ever be righted again . or is now what shall be . is it true that one day you will find me. love me one again? i truely hope for i am certain i shall never stop for you. perhaps i am a fool indeed.a fool who had a heart to love...

essay what essay..?

i am so exausted. it is strange i don;t normally feel this way when i am sick. it sucks balls. so i should be doing my essay but i really just can;t concentrate. i think i will curl up on the couch and .. i dunno. i don't even really feel sleepy just completely exausted. anyways..
i wanted to write a new blog... but i think it will be hella crappy. i am going to savage for food then lay around and do nothing. i wish someone would take care of me. that is probably the nicest thing ever when you are not feeling well. *kicks self*

camping this weekend
2 more classes to go. yay.

farewell

i went to bed early last night ...

i had a dream that i was happy, then i woke up and it was a lie. i lay in bed thinking about the things that need to be done, the motions i have to go through today, the rest of this week, for months. i have things to think about, be excited about but really i know myself better. i know the sickness that ails me, it's cure cannot be bought.

i have decided that i don't really like going out, i have had many bad experiences doing so. Last night at the dinner for the teachers i had an alright time. tired to make myself feel better by dressing pretty. didn't really work. it was nice to treat the teachers though, it seems they really enjoyed it. the tiny beers i had where nice too.
goals for now...
save money to pay people back..
finish assignments and school junk.
h-core body / be healthy
find something that makes me happy
clean room

wish i could go back to bed...

You're the metaphors I can't create to comprehend this curse that I call love..

so, thanks to miss tasia, i am currently enjoy motion city sound track. it is good and stuff. not only is it helping me not work on my essay but .. well thats all i got.. it sounds good and junk. hehe
i have taken some notes for my essay .. and it;s not due for a while so i'm doing good. haha

and now a few words...
Let me in, let me in to the club, cuz I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and they're useless...

Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling
we'll try not to smile
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights
That still shock and surprise.
I believe that I can, overcome this and beat everything in the end
But I choose to abuse for the time being,
maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.


i always like reading lyrics when i listen to songs. it makes me like them more.. i guess cuz i know what it really says. anyways. HOLLy. he he it is 7 and the sun it still up. that makes me happy. summer will be here before we know it and i will be warm.. mmm warm. i really don;t know what i am going to do with all my time.. it's been a long time since i had a summer " to my self " so to speak. unless i get other gigs and stuff i will have the majority of the day off.. and i will probably wake up fairly early.. i am excited , perhaps i will do fun useful things. like go for walks and read stuff that i have been meaning to. one ish more week of school left... i cannot wait for it to be over. gah... i want my hand to get better it looks creepy and old by the light of my computer. anyways.... i supose i will write some more notes.. or do something else.... ahaha
i don;t really have a lot to say today.

I know I shouldn't waste my time,
Wishing I'd been better designed,
yet for some reason still think

up against an army with six soldiers on my side

right now i feel like garbage.. haha it always happens in the mornings generally. i wake up and realize i have to work the next three days, or my house is an absolute disaster because we made food and were to lazy to clean. i have to do a project i put off until now. i have a few hrs to do it , but that doesn;t make me feel motivated for it.
i kinda feel trapped right now. like bits of my world that where open before are caving in. it may sound dumb but i don't feel i can participate in activities with everyone. everyone is laughing and being happy and having a merry old time and i'm left hiding in the bathroom. if i didn't have those few people who actually come to see me and ask me what i am up to , i would be alone. it sounds stupid thinking it, but i feel ostracized from happy times. i can;t go hang out with everyone, because of where they are. it may be dumb but its really hard for me to go some places, because of what it reminds me of. goodbye many social gatherings. are people going to have to choose between appartment and basement suit? i hope i can get over whatever i need to because i know what the majority would choose.
yesterday i was in the booth with tim, i mentioned it would be kewl to go and see a some live jazz. tim said that a group was going out to the queens to next week and that i should go. but as much as i would enjoy the experience i feel that i am unwelcome. not that anyone has openly stated that, it;s that, i really feel i don;t belong. people will let me tag along, but no one wants to be a tag along. especially when it;s with your ex boyfriend.. and his new girl friend.
on that note it feels like a stale mate for me. i don;t know if this feeling, this situation is ever going to get better for me. i am surrounded. there is no running away right now. i'm stuck.
i can't wait till i can escape. aug the next few days feel so depressing. fuck why did i write this. now i really really have no motivation to work.

to you guys that really care for me, if i am getting through anything at all... it;s because of you. i hope i am not just being unreasonable. it doesn;t feel that way. i'm sorry if i am a no fun bum. but this isn't easy for me, it hurts like a bitch

hey ja ja jaded...

i'm glad i just got back from an amazing long weekend, not that i am glad to be back, i'm just glad all the happy memories are still fresh in my mind. i am trying my best not to care. just work on being numb. i;m so tired and full. i have lots of good things to think about to make me happy, rea;;y i couldn't stop smiling because of them hahaha... " i wonder how we could start..?" hehe hot chocolate. mmm manlyness. mystery of shit mountain. hahaha i was so excited, i wonder if my heart was pumping as much as it seemed. hehe
thank facebook.
just keep swimming , just keep swimming. one day you will forget me and i will forget you and we will both be happy again.
good night all
farewell

falling...

There's such a sad love
Deep in your eyes, a kind of pale jewel
Open and closed within your eyes
I'll place the sky within your eyes

There's such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I'll place the moon within your heart

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But I'll be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down

Falling
(As the world) Falling down
Falling in love

I'll paint you mornings of gold
I'll spin you Valentine evenings
Though we're strangers till now
We're choosing the path between the stars
I'll leave my love between the stars

Falling
(As the world) Falling down
Falling
As the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
(down) Falling
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down

Falling
Falling
Falling

Makes no sense at all
Makes no sense to fall
Falling
As the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
(down) Falling
Falling
Falling in love
Falling in love (love)
Falling in love
Falling in love
Falling in love

i don't know where i am , i don't know where i've been

why is it that i sometimes feel the sexiest with frazled hair a big baggy shirt and pj's on? why do i feel the greatest accomplishment in trivial things like doing my dishes? as i brushed my hair out i had what i can only think to describe as "honest" look at myself. and it made me realize that every time i look in the mirror, i am not really seeing myself, but what i perceive myself to be. it's hard to look past what we think of ourselves sometimes. sometimes i wish i could trap that honest essence, and save it. keep it for myself? share it with someone most dear. because thats the most beautiful part, when i am just me. when there is no pretense, no awkward uncertainty. just times when i am myself and being happy doing it. it makes me wonder, if whatever 'me' i am now can be happy like that again. deep down i hope that some day, one day things will be good again.

*hear* The Last Unicorn *heart*

at work last night,this song got stuck on my head. and i love it because it is beautiful and say. the last unicorn has always been one of my favorite movies,and it probably always will. i hope you enjoy it as much as i do....*warm fuzzies*

stong or stupid

sometimes i wonder why i put myself through this. i have good times, but at the end of the day when i am alone again, the same feelings keep coming back. the worst part is i know it isn't going to just go away. yesterday i had a good day. time took tasia and i to uvic for a tour and a play. it was nice, but when i got home to my empty house and crawled into bed, there was just me. and i was sad that i was alone.
i also realized yesterday that people will still always judge me for the way i am , and act. for things about myself that i cannot change. i would not be myself if i could change it. it is so flustering trying to explain. wash up jonny, ha ha it's a big joke. people wonder why i get so worked up about things, but they don't realize those are things i have been made fun of for many years.
oh no poor lisa got made fun of and now we can't make any jokes because she gets upset. don;t make jokes about lisa she'll throw a shoe at you.
oh lisa your life is sooo hard. fucking get over it already.

i wish i didn't need someone else to make me happy. i wish a lot of things... but wishing doesn;t make them come true, nor does it make people love you, nor does it make you happy, nor does it give hope, or relief or make time pass.. it doesn't do anything.

horatio, superstore, and the dentist

soooo i am just waitin around for my laundry. i had this wonderful plan to come over and visit with my parents( they just got back from a trip) but neither of them are here. boo urns.. i am sure at least one of them will show up before i leave but poo. anyways i had a good weekend. saturday.. i think i must have done some stuff and junk on saturday... then on hmmmm... oh poo.. i totatlly just remembered that i was suposed to pick up baloons for the show.. but i totally forgot again. woops... hahaha it;s because i am suposed to be done this stupid show. i'm not thinking about it
anyways sunday tasia and i watched the last of the horatio hornblowers.. and it was sooo epic,." THEY LOVE HIM SOOO MUCH" then we watched some of newsies but the dvd was a bitch.. sooo we took a mish to super store and i bought aladdin. and a duvet cover ... which is red and kinda shiny and awesome. then we watched aladdin... to a break.... break.. nap whatever... went to the grocery store for provisions.. mm apples. and then watched star dust which i love soooo much.. ( thank you spencer hehe)


soo i went to the dentist today.. on one side i like going to the dentist.. because i like my teeth to feel clean. however.. the dentist totally always puts guilt trips on you. well maybe not always.. but i just get this feeling they think they are better than you because they are better with cleaning their teeth. not that i shouldn't take better care of my teeth.. but do they really have to rub it in so much. i'm really not to change what i do unless i decide to do it myself. no amount of nagging is going to do it for me. it;s the same with everything. but at least the good thing is.. when i decide to do something. it gets done.

dududu wtf are my parents...

i wonder

i really do.. if it was something i did along the way. personally i thought i did a lot for you. i wonder how you feel about the people who used to be your good friends. the ones you never see anymore. at the time i thought it was a nice gesture. a nice gift... until today i realized it wasn't entirely mine. it is a simple gesture but your sentiments are clear. it is a sore spot with me, anyone will be able to see. i just wonder why. don;t worry a few more months and you will be rid of me, but until then.. i will look after your fish...


on a side note a funny thought has just occurred to me... i will not mention it thought.. i will see and wait what happens...

oblivious

i live in my own little world that people pass in and out of. sometimes i really don't know what i am doing. it isn't an excuse. it's just that i'm to caught up in my own precious world to notice anyone else. especially now. now that i have decided to let go and try to act for me. whatever will make me happy. whatever i feel like doing. i'm trying to push my guilt aside. though it is a tough bitch to fight. and avoid thinking about others needs first. i don't want to do this forever. it just feels i need to break free from the something i was before. the only fear i have is that i will not get that part back. not that it is gone all together now. it;s just that if i let it go , throw caution into the wind... will i ever catch it again.
i don't want to hurt anyone. it isn't my intent. on the other hand i find it funny how quickly people jump to wanting things that they do not, or have not given to in the past. things are a mess it seems. a terrible mess. thats confusing an emotional and hurtful and junk. part of it is my fault. but i know it is not compleatly. that thought gives me comfort when i am down. there is part of me that knows things are going to get a whole lot messier before they straighten out. i don;t know why exactly. but things that i have heard things that i have seen and simply just a feeling tells me. i'm not going to actively change anything. things will happen as they may. though perhaps i'll walk a little more in reality for other people.

the day after yesterday.

thanks to kylan and michelle who game to hang with me.. eryn marth and tim who joined at fast eddies.. and jill gregoire tasia, and nathan who came later on. thanks for spending my birthday with me you helped to make it a billion times better than last year. not that i was that hard.
i am still torn as to how i feel about my birthday. there is part of me that wants to celebrate, and part of me that doesn't care. perhaps when i am much older i will be different.

currently i am hella tired. i had to wake up early yesterday and did so again today. then trying to get things done is tedious when people steal or clean up my materials while i am using them. regardless my toil is nearly completed. i only have a few more notes for myself to finish up. it;s good i am sick of looking at the stupid set. i am tired... i'm going to have a nap before work.

having a near life experience

it sucks when the internet gets boring. haha currently i am again waiting for work. hopefully work is better that it was last time. i was soo retardedly clumsy. o well. at least i will not have to stay as late.. mm and hopefully that delicious honey garlic black pepper pork is on the buffet mmm delicious. more and more i am finding that i am getting restless. i want to go out i want to be see. i want a lot of attention. i just feel like i need to do things. like i have never been to the queens or any bar other than 70 really... so yea. does anyone want go go with me? i dunno. even if we go out on random adventures or something that would satisfy me.. i can't wait for this show to be over. after the show finishes it is only like a month till summer vacation. YAY.

another yay is they took part of the scaffolding down today. soon they will be done perhaps. eeee.
i cannot wait for you guys to come over and see what i have done. jill as seen it.. don;t tell jill, it;s a surprise! dududud. hm hm hm .

yesterdat baught 5 shirts for 5 dollars each.. they are awesome and i heart them. they make me feel hot. nice nice.. hmm my mind is like everywhere right now.. it feels like a jack russle with ADD. boo urns. i guess i should get ready for work then...

anyways.. if anyone want to go out or do something and i am free i am in. dudud much love. lisa

stuff and junk

i'm tired. ahaha and just wasting time before work. so this will be short. ish .. maybe.. whatever...
worked on the set today got lots of painting done which was good. not that there is much to do. burned my picking with a stupid glue gun.. they are one of my archrivals.... staplers too. anyways it hurts and is annoying. yesterday was nice, though i did not do think that i kind wanted. but it was not manditory for me to do them so .. whatever. nice relaxing day yesterday, with our ladies sausage fest . hehe . and movies and junk.

party on gabe was super fun. i was inibreated for many hours.. and i stayed awake. are you not all proud of me. though i was very inibriated and can only kind piece together the epicness of the night. everyone needs to post their pics so that i can look and remember! eee hehehe

o well time for work. tasia we know what we want.. lets go find it. eheehehe

enough is enough

why are somedays just ment to turn bad. i work up this morning to fucking workers banging at my wall. i moved to the living room to sleep some more. then when i get up i clean up, exercise, eat, shower, decide to wear something nice because i feel good about today. as soon as i walk into the green room i get ridiculed for not showing up to the meetings today. i guess because i always show up means that is it is a special occasion to bug me for missing it. i thought i would take a little extra time for myself so sue me. fine whatever. then as soon as i see jill it's more getting made fun of. didn;t i have enough of that last night... constantly.. fine whatever ha ha .. its a big joke. i haven;t even done anything. so why is it being thrown in my face so much, and even provoked... a joke is a joke. but making an uncomfortable situation for me into more of one is not funny. i can take a joke , i can take being bugged about something that i have done or messed up on every now and then. what i cant take is constantly being made fun of for something cannot control. sure you say . maybe i could have controlled it by saying no. sorry i don;t like coming off as a bitch for no reason. i didn't think it was that big of a deal. apparently i;m wrong. if you feel the need to make fun of me for this go a head and do it behind my back or something because at least then i won;t have to listen to it.. but don't expect me to put up with it to my face, because it got real old real fast. and i will either get angry, and none of you want to see me actually angry, or i wont bother being around to hear it. jill you know what it;s like to be constantly bugged about something. it makes feel like junk, and get you all frusterated. and what did i really do to deserve it? i think that is fare. you guys have had your fun. and yea go ahead make a joke every now and then about it.. but i don;t wanna hear it all the time. i won;t put up with it.

so now i am in a pissy mood. i come home check the mail. h i have a letter i have to pick up. it was delivered yesterday it says i can pick it up.. oh wait it;s not fucking where it should be... wasted trip. stupid fucking canada post so now i am nice and pissed off. horay for work in two hours. today sucks

i am tired. you all know how i am feeling so i won't really bother to mention it. i'm starting to feel like a broken record and i hate it.
i have to admit i think i look absolutely stunning right now. i just got off work. my hair was in braids and now my hair is all kinky and a little tossled. my make-up has mostly worn off, but you can still kinda get the sense of it. i am wearing my baggy grey pj pants that have paint on them ( everything i own has paint on it ) and my greenish tank top. when i look in the mirror, if i didn't know it already i could tell that i am tired. but still i think i look beautiful. i am almost disappointed whenever i get to looking this way because it is never a look you can re create. it just happens. and normally no one gets to see it. i like the way my hair is growing out , it looks good down .

i am getting so close to finishing my application. i am doing well, mm alright with keeping up with tasks i have to do. the set is nearly constructed which means i will have lots of work to paint and decorate it. no really looking forward to it. but then again i'm not really looking forward to anything. except summer maybe hmm and loosing my chubby tummy. and i guess school to be over... so i guess ther are things...but nothing really to get excited over.

i couldn't say it better...

I believe I can see the future
Cause I repeat the same routine
I think I used to have a purpose
But then again
That might have been a dream
I think I used to have a voice
Now I never make a sound
I just do what I've been told
I really don't want them to come around


Every day is exactly the same
There is no love here and there is no pain
Every day is exactly the same

I can feel their eyes are watching
In case I lose myself again
Sometimes I think I'm happy here
Sometimes, yet I still pretend
I can't remember how this got started
But I can tell you exactly how it will end


I'm writing on a little piece of paper
I'm hoping someday you might find
Well I'll hide it behind something
They won't look behind
I'm still inside here
A little bit comes bleeding through
I wish this could have been any other way
But I just don't know, I don't know what else I can do


i can't wait to get away, so i can stop this

Grr

i'm tired of people being on my case about not eating lots of different things... I FUCKING EAT VEGETABLES. i eat them quite a bit in fact. so what they arn;t peppers or onions or turnips or whatever. i've tried those things i don;t like them. i'm not going to force myself to eat something when i know i don;t like it.. not when i can eat what i like. I've tried a lot of things other people have no. Sorry i don;t like them .. sorry i was raised eating the food that i do .

i'm tired of hearing about the STUPID FUCKING PRODUCTION TABLE. yea i volunteered to do it because no one else would. any yea i had lots of time, but i also had lots to do. it;s not like i was sitting around doing fuck all. i did try to do something about it two .. i tried three times to get on it. those didn;t really work out. fixing things like that is not what i am good at... and you know what it;s not like people offered up any help. and so again this year i got stuck with it... but that doesn;t mean i have any more fucking time. and now the job has passed on. good i don;t want it. did it get fixed right away. No. so spencer starts shooting his mouth off saying he could do it no problem.. well go at er get you team together and fix it . not like you could have helped earlier on . i just want it done so i can stop hearing about it. so people will stop throwing my failure in my face because i am fucking sick of it .

i get so angry with the way people treat me sometimes cuz i fucking deserve better. i work hard. i'm a good person. i treat people like they deserve. i fucking deserve better.
this is only a few people. i'm just glad a i see how they treat me, so i can spend my time with the people who will treat me better

no peace i find. just an old sweet song... keeps georgia on my mind

i dunno if it sounds as strange as it feels.. but i find i feel odd when i don;t have anything that i have to do,, well no pressing matter anyways.. there is always something i should be doing. hmm hmmh hmm dudud . i am getting better. i had a good nights sleep last night and am looking forward to tonight. especially since i don't have to wake up ridiculously early. yay. been working at my over all goal of self improvement. hopefully i can keep it up. it normally starts off good then i lose motivation. however i am constantly reminded of why i want to improve so i think it will keep me going. go lisa go lisa.
over all i don't have a plan. i've given up trying to make things how i think they should be or i would really like them to be. things that won;t be , cant be forced, it's really just a waste of energy. i'm takin it as it comes to me. which may not be the best way to go , but at least i am going somewhere. i'm not a genius. but i know things. i hate it when it is assumed , or i am treated like i don't. no sense getting mad. i find it kinda funny , kinda sad, kinda not surprising... hmmm but suppose i cant judge. i guess it was me again, well no... it isn't if anything i would have just made things easier... it there was any effort. haha . word are so funny sometimes, once in a while they can have great meaning, but most of the time they mean nothing at all... hahah oh words , how you mock us in our daily lives. .. fuck you empty words...
sometimes i wish i didn't need to be loved. i wish i could stop thinking about it so i didn;t have to write it so much. writing helps me think though... and that just happens to be what i think about. anyways i've had enough of this garbage. i complain to much about things that can't really be helped.. or changed really... it's stupid. end of story.

i might just go back to bed

well here we are, Sunday. it seems most of us are sick with this horrible whatever. i hope all your sicknesses do not progress as much as mine. i went to the clinic yesterday to get checked out. i was telling tim how i currently have to sleep sitting up because i start violently coughing if don't. and he got me all freaked out that i could be getting phnemonia... which would suck big salty balls. went to the clinic waited like an hr and a 1/2, saw a doctor. he didn't tell me anything.. just prescribed me some antibiotics and sent me on my way.. i suppose it doesn't matter as long as i get better. and don't have to bloody sleep sitting up grr

i kinda wish it would rain today. right now it is sunnyish... i don;t plan on going out much today. i want to relax in this time i have and feel better. rain would just make inside more cozy, that and i like to hear the sound of rain. there is something about it that makes me happy. maybe thats why i haven't been happy too much snow , not enough rain. heh. yea right.

I wonder if i have done something wrong.you never mentioned anything. i never asked for anything except the money i was owed. thought. i cooked, i cleaned. i actually scrub the bathroom and junk. i always take out the garbages and recycling. is 5 dishes too much to do? it;s been two weeks and i am tired of looking at them so you win, i'll do them like i generally do when you arn't around. i'm tired of being alone, suppose i kinda feel abandoned,i thought i was there for you whenever you where down. i suppose it doesn;t really matter now. you took all your clothes and some other things. i guess i'm just waiting for when you take everything, for the day you tell me that your gone for good. if that day comes i wonder what i will do. i can;t leave, i'm stuck here.

i'm so tired right now. though i am in an ok enough mood. i guess i can;t expect to be too productive or energetic being sick and junk. i have been busy.... not that it;s anything new more me. yesterday was alright... kinda crazy. More work than it should have been in cases. it's a good thing tim showed up haha cuz i probably would have had to call him anyways. after the show, and cleaning up:P tasia and i stopped to get some wine( since two people in my family told me to drink it to get better.. isn;t that funny hehe i think so ) we just chilled listened to some music and had a merry ol' time. it was nice just to talk with someone bout what your thinkin. i'm sad the rest of you are all sick to. maybe i should make some home made chicken noodle soup. hehe
i need to go grocery shopping anyways... we will see we will see.

i hope i have the energy to paint today.. i have a cool idea .. i think. thought... i might just go back to bed for now. if anyone wants to visit feel free. i like the company

a cookie taught me about life

" you will find happiness in contentment"
"make up your mind and do what you want to do"
" your deepest desires will be granted"
" you will be deeply loved"
" you business will assume vast proportions"

i munch on fortune cookies at work. is it lame that i keep some of the fortunes i get? it's nice to think that good things will happen in the future. it's also funny how a random inspiration that someone wrote, that you happen to by chance could reflect your life. anyways there is wisdom everywhere, sometimes it might just come from a cookie. hehe

anyways. i think i am getting better. i gave up trying to do what i supposed to be the bes thing and just decided to live. because what i was doing wasn't making me any happier. in fact i was quite miserable. also things are looking a little less stressful. still working on improving myself though, eat better and such. i want go get rid of my tummy chub.. that magicall appeared.. hahah who knows how that got there.... hehehe. anyways hopefully i can make some good habits thats stick.

work last night and tonight was ridiculous.. last night was the start of Chinese new year and tonight there was only two of us. which made it seem super busy. but i made good tips so i cannot complain. have a gig all day tomorrow. and sunday off!!!!!! i am excited for it.. tasia and i might go to victoria for fun... or i might just do whatever who knows the possibilities are endless.
long day tomorrow. lisa needs sleepy.

tired of looking at this post, not this one that one

here is a picture, it;s a painting i did... i think it is kinda neat... *shug* will post something good tomorrow or something but for now bed. nighty night

One acts and snow

today, i gave it to myself. enough said. i think i am a bit better because of it, well at least for now. i got myself all hot to go to the one acts. that made me feel pretty good. the one acts where good. i quite enjoyed the shows. not so much the overlaid one.. but just because i would have liked to see another comedy. after words spencer and i went to rent a movie and i baught some crustinies and milk.. an excellent combo i know. hehe. i didn;t have them together though .:P anyways then we came back to spencer and watched .... STAR DUST.. hehe which i actaully watched last night but decided that i loved.. hehe . because it is cheesy and fantasy, and lovey..and funny.. and bad.. all wrapped into one which i love.. so i am going ot buy it. it will be wonderful. and there is where the snow part comes it.. well the 2 cm of snow that fell was enough to screw my car over. it really does not like weather. it is currenty still snowing... we will see what happens tomorrow. i am suposed to work... but if i cannot get there.. then.. eh... also we will see if there is school. if not. party at my house... WHAT? what .? .. beans? movies... cupcakes good times.. but we will see .. you can never tell with this snow stuff it is very tricky.

anyways good job on the one acts everyone involved. until later.. today... since it is like 230.. heh ..

i hate...

feeling nothing at all. knowing that if something needs to be done i have to do it because no one else will. high matinance people. giving so much of myself to people and feeling little in return. when my kind gestures go un-noticed. lack of motivation. that i i do not know where i stand with you. being a third wheel. wanting to cry half the time. that you arn;t yourself, or i don;t know who you are. thinking so much. not knowing what i want, or need to feel better. FUCKING TIME. that you are being manipulated. that your the only thing that makes me feel better right now. feeling un attractive. letting my friends down. dirty dishes. being unrational. my responsibilities. that i have not been able to overcome this yet. ranting like this because even if it isn't annoying you yet , it;s sure annoying me. myself and my life at this time...fuck it

good intentions

I just don't have the motivation, the inspiration of though. i hate that i feel like junk and can't be positive. i sat down to write out this stupid stuff but i can;t concentrate. there is a crink in my neck. it hurts. i'm doing pretty good keeping up with the things i need to do. that has taken my stress away. i really don;t get why i am still unhappy when many things are good. it;s not like i am activily dwelling on things. i just get these blahs, a little bit in my stomach that isn;t right, that stings.. and then it just gets worse. i thought i was doing pretty good. i want to be doing good. i will be good i will be good i will be good... someday.

if i'm not being useful i might as well read my book. at least it will keep my mind occupied..
take me with you cuz i'm lonely

can i be electric too?

blah. it is sunday. work tonight. i should be working on my model of the set. but that means i have to go to the school and get a model of the theatre which i don't particularly want to do. i am very tired, exaused you could say. it feels like i am fighting something. i am not certain of what. it's just like there are a bunch of external forces pushing on me. i don;t know how i manage sometimes. it always seems like there is so much to do. work, theatre work, assignments, applications, set design, printmaking, life. pft. i know i shouldn;t but i want to do nothing today. we will see.

looking back. thursday hung out with tasia. hehe yay james macavoy(spelling) then friday the fucking workers where hammering at fucking 8... they are useless. augh... i'm not going to get into it.. but i hate them. got up cleaned my apartment. went to work. went to eryns and got way to messed up, curse you wine. saturday went to work at the theatre, *sigh* disorganization. thats another thing.. i am going to have to prepair shit so that the silly people renting the theatre get what needs to get done in their next rehearsal, becuase i can;t stay late. i have to go to work directly after. *sigh* then to work. which was horrible. i wasn't feeling particularly well from the previous night. i was very clumsy, and a little creeped out. i had this dream where one of my co workers acted very inappropriately and it basically just freaked me right out. because all the things he normally does, talking to me and making silly comment which i normally think nothing of, just seemed way weird. like offering me beer? " i seem like the kinda girl"wtf is that supposed to mean?! anyways i will be fine. it was just another stress that i don't need though.
apres work i went to visit spencer. he told me of the shenanigans of citt, which i am so jealous and sad that i missed. *cries*

i am not looking forward to this week, but am excited for it to be over. it seems so far away. why can't i just skip all the junk in between. this time i will not forget the bean game. or What?
i want to paint. but i know i will feel guilty about doing it. in fact i feel kinda bad now for not having started anything. i think i just feel crappy actually. sometimes i just want to give up, and forget about all the things i have to do. but i totally know that isn't an option.
"no peace i find, just an old sweet song, keeps georga on my mind."
Bah, sunday

you bleed for me, i'll bleed for you

i was just looking at some old things that people send me. they filled me with warm fuzzies. i like that. i am feeling terribly unproductive today. i am very temped to not do anything. but i really should go do my print project. last night what fun and scary all at the same time. the scary dancing lady was the worst. the snow was fun and so was pretending to be on a ship outside. man that was beautiful. i'm glad i had that moment with you guys hehe
i am looking forward to being a rock star. even thought i am frightened to break things when i sing. i think i will bring down a treat if i have time. :O eeee
i am doing pretty good on my list of things to do, the main one was the set design. i was really nervous about it , but it seemed to go over well. nice. haha now i just have to do a model, but i have till wednesday and this sunday to work on it. next step is to get off my lazy ass and do my print project. i hope it works out good. i work lots coming up. which is good because i will save more money. apparently i am good at being a waitress. kong, the manager, said he was gonna try and put me on more big reservations because because i did really well, and was organized, and everyone was happy. that made me feel pretty good. ummmmm
i want to write more but i am not sure what about. haha i guess i am just trying to procraztinate. balls. hehe . hmm i guess i will go and get dressed. i dunno why, but for some reason i feel really good right now. like i am super awesome. maybe it's because i am awesome, maybe i have soemthing to look forward, maybe because i slept in and don't have to work tongiht. " life was on our tounges, it tasted heavenly" dudud i am fucking sweet and you know it bitches. haha i dunno. i am proud of me. * shrug* whatever . to shower.
foolishly yours,
lisa

the stories undone. unravel at the seams

i wonder what you think about me. i'm not perfect, i'm not fixed i'm not anything amazing. you wanna know about putting on a smile, a happy face. i will write you a book. I'm not happier now. I am walking through a series of distractions, a few happy moments maybe. i am not above you, no steps ahead. perhaps you did some good. at least it seems i'm being more responsible and getting things done. I'm trying to make things better for the future. fuck them now. now is task after task of life. no use trying to fix it. I'm just looking past it. I'm trying to make myself better, isn;t that what you wanted for yourself? what happened to that? was it just an excuse at the time? do you really want it ?I wonder what you think my motives are. i'm not going to the bar to pick up guys. there are none. This is what i think is best, for us, at this time. no it isn't fun. yeah it hurts. i'm not jumping for joy here. putting two broken things together doesn't fix them. they probably only look that way till they fall apart. I don't know the answers. i don't know if there are any. i hope this does not make you sad, it isn't intended to. i want you to know what i think because i have no clue about you. i have some thoughts , but no real clue. i never asked for a smile. all i wanted to know was how you felt, why you felt what you thought. you gave me answers, but it that what you really mean? i am beyond confused. so i tried to make thing simpler and they got more confusing. all i want is the best, that takes time. so why do i feel like the bad guy.
I suppose it is my mistake. you told me you would be fine. that you could handle it. how did it turn into double standards? don't tell me you are fine when you are not, don't think i don't know any better.

i bet you look good on the dance floor

Stupid facebook is being a bastard. fuckin with sit. bastard. *sigh*


anyways lets see what is new, or possibly exciting. i have accomplished two of the 3 steps for applying to the theatre program at uvic. unfortuantly step three has like 5 thing i have to do. bastard.


i went down to uvic on friday to visit me boyEs. hung around playing you don;t know jack with ben and dusting dusting while kyle and josh where working. also during that time we walked to the mall and i baught a new game called what. it is hella sweet and fun and junk. we will play it and you will be amazied with awe...*shrug*

This is Dustin and i being classy with our chosesn drinks... i'm pretty sure that is beer in my wine glass. by this point we had both finised our own bottles of wine. but yea,. i will post the rest of my pics on facebook when it stops being a bastard. not that there are very many pictures nore are they partinularially intessting.. this is the best for sure. i had a wonderful time in victoria as i always do. like tasia said it is nice to know that you are wanted. not that i generally feel unwanted but ya know. it;s still nice. i cannot describe the silly little things that those kids do that makes doing nothing so enjoyable. gotta love em . hehe like who puts their foot out of a car window for no reason... everyone in the car... at the same time. haha it really seems like not thing.. or full out wrestling for shotgun... hookers and blow.. nice.. hahahahah

hmm. last night, directly after returning home from victoria i went in early to work. and had a 40 person reservation. it was nuts. however i did make 130 worth of tips, and i got a glow bracellet. that made me feel special. then after work i went out with two coworkers, my boss , his wife and his friend. we went to the foundy then to the pool hall.. it was an intersting and strange outing. *shrug* on the way back we got stopped at a road block. there where 4 of us in the back seat epp. so i squished down and hid. i was sooo sure they where going to see me.. but luckily they did not... nice.

hmmm hmm i am very tired right now. i had hoped to get more of a set design done today.. i supose i still can however i am very tired and not feeling particularially creative. really i would just like to go to bed. i supose it is a good thing face book is being a bastard, maaybe now i will get soem work done... still so very tired though...

i am not looking forward to getting up tomorrow... not at all.. balls and all that jazz.

fool me once, shame one you... fool me twice, shame on me

i am talented. i am beautiful. im a good cook. i bake deliciouses treats to share. i am an artist. i am a passionate and caring lover, a good friend. i am a hard worker. i make amazing cocktails. i can find a bargin like nobody's busines. i give wonderful and creative gifts. i have an amazing body, i'm fun to be with. i'm good to cuddle with. i'm giving. i'm inventive. i like dumb puns. i am not high maintenance. i enjoy the simple things in life and see/take joy in the beauty around me. though i don't have a lot to say but i will listen forever. i am compassionate and loving.
Pink, Mama Lisa, baby squirrel, Papa, mutha hen, sunshine, the queen of hearts, millie, miss mussy.
i suppose over the past little while i have been thinking about myself. how i portray myself. the things listed above are things about me that i like and i think make me an interesting person. i dunno. i was thinking about it yesterday at work. there are many things that most people don't know about me. most of the time i think nothing of myself. i am what i am and thus do what i do. there are times when i think i am wonderful ,and amazing... however i also think i am terribly boring and nothing special. though that kind of thinking is just like me. never can keep my mind straight on things.
well apparently i am special. but how i do not know.


haughh .... well that is enough of that garbage. let me tell you about my walk. it was Sunday. and i had been cooped up two days previously. so i decided to burn off a little engery and go for a walk to get some coffee. i thought perhaps i would sit and read a book. however when i got there, i found i needed to walk more. so i started to head downtown on the highway. i was sunny but fucking cold. i had my music thought and was in good spirits. i thought about many things, and was at peace with them. i decided that enough was enough , i would acquire a taste for wine... so i can be classy and stuff. i decided to head down to port place mall to the bc liquor store. on my way i went along the sea wall. there where a few familes. some old men walked dogs, who i smiled a. they smiled back and went on their way. it made me happy making someone else smile. i notice there where many old couples walking together. i wondered if people in out time will make it that far? how many of us, if we choose to get married will stay together until we die. times are different now right. i dunno.

anyways so i continued along the seawall, past the port and up to the mall where i discovered that the liquor store was closed. oh well i don;t really need the wine anyways. i baught myself a piece of chicken for a snack. then looked at the art in the little gallery. i can paint equally as good if not better than those artists. i wish i could just paint , and make things, and be an artist. i think one day i will be able to. i continued on my way. past the casino, past acme and pirate chips. up past the keg, delicato's and into the old city quarter. i stopped into that new age shop and baught some really nice candles and insents. and then into a fugdge/ chocoalte shop. and baught some deliciouse dark chocolate almond bark. tasia texted me to i headed home. on my way just past the oxy, was a sign. it read" come try our B.C. wines" so i said "alright. so i picked up a bottle and started back on my way. i felt very good. it was like i knew what was up. i was confident and cheerful. i walked through a park, and took a turn on a merry go round. i felt like a character in a movie. the brilliant, artsy, spontaniouse girl that the leading man falls for.

when i returned home tasia came to hang out shortly after. i started to drink my wine which was not that bad. i will buy it again. later that night tasia, laura and i went to see atonement. which was something. something i cannot describe.
i finished my bottle after the movie. hah it was a satisfying day.

the next day , tasia and i tried out taste at beer. that did not go so badly either. thought i am much to tired of typing at the moment to type it out.

capture the moments that i can. enjoy what there is i can enjoy. time will bring what i am missing. times like this do not last forever.

What'll you do when you get lonely, And nobody's waiting by your side?

i want to get out. i want to see and be seen. it feels like i have been cooped up forever. two whole days is long time for me not to do much of anything. i think it makes me go a little loopy. yesterday as i was driving to my parents, i thought what it would be like if i changed my name to layla. most of you know that i am not particularly fond of my name. i don't think it really fits me. lisa just isn't very interesting to me. not that i think layla would be perfect for me either.

i feel very trapped right now. like I have been compressed and i need to spring and release myself. this could be because of my past two days. but i think that it is more than that. i need to go somewhere and do something that excites me. i think i am bored here. if not in this place then with my state of life. i know i am not happy.

another funny thing i noticed while driving. i go kinda strange when i am not content with my life. i become quite eccentric. the way i think changes, i do small things differently. and i get a intense need to change things about myself. normally they are physical things because those are easier. i have seen it before in myself and i am sure i will see it again. it makes me think that i have a few personalities. this may seem dumb or strange but it;s like there was more to me than one person. never mind i cannot describe it. i most likely have gone loopy. i have killed to many brain cells, i have watched too many movies in the past three days.

i need to break free, the only problem is i don't know how. i want to accomplish great things. but i have no drive to do it. it all seems to much effort why bother. i think other people have more faith in my than i have myself. i almost always fell that when i am doing things i am just fumbling by. like i was lucky that something worked out for me in the end.BAH i have a love hate relationship with myself. whatever i know that. what is really important right now. what really matters to me at this instant is
what the fuck am i going to do today?

bored on saturday night

that is me. today started lazy. then after some more sleeping in( complete with it's strange dreams) i burst into action, cleaning my apartment and it;s many... many dirty dishes. then i gathered up my 3 bags full of laundry and headed to my parents. did some laundry, ate some roast watched a movie. sigh. so many movies. came home. made myself over. realized it was 8. lame. tried to make plans. failed. lost motivation. started writing blog. there are many more things i could be doing... helpful useful things i could be doing. but i just don't feel like it anymore.

really i should just sink into some music. i would really like to go out for a walk but do not feel safe enough to do so by myself. hmm hmm things that make you go hmmm...
hmmm he he
one more day to fill before school. perhaps tomorrow i will get some more useful things done.
fuck sitting around i need something to do. ....
popcorn

i knew this was a dream, it was too go to be true.

blah garble godod sigh.... oh colin firth, you bring me joy. heh. watching pride and prejudice. huddled away in my messy apartment. i may need a break from gatherings here for a while. we leave quite a mess. and i do tire of cleaning. also after my great night last night i think that i should take a break from some other activities. at least for a while to clear my head. i am hungry but to lazy to go and eat. and make stuff. ugg jghsk guuh blarjjskjgshfkjg hmmm
i am many things today. i want company, yet to be alone. i want to be loved and taken care of , yet cannot accept it. i want to sleep time away, but my back hurts to lie down. heh it could use a good gentle hand. i am worried. i am confused. i am angry, i am happy. i am lazy...unsure. you are destrying ,me as you bring me to life. i like the new shirts that i baught. my head hurts. this is a rather depressing post for the new year. what ever. fuck it. :P hehehe .

what is so special about a new year anyways. different numbers to write. that is all. what to make for food what to make. tasia and i watched memoirs of a geisha. it;s such a nice movie. to stop a man in his tracks with one look. ha what a game.,, isn;t that what we are playing. pitted against one another. making our moves. keeping it in , letting it out. forget it all. *sigh*
i am screaming with silence. i am a silly girl. making a fuss for nothing. my life is not hard, i am talented. i am screaming with silence. ........... you hear the words i don;t speak. do you know what they mean. *sigh*
i am... nothing different than i always am
take no note, it means nothing

your songs won't stop ringing in my head

i have had a pretty fucken good week, if i do say so myself. aside from work which has been very slow lately. let me start where i left off i supose. the 23rd, i don;t rembmer what i did, i think just worked.
the 24th i quickly helped josh wrap some gifts. we exchanged our gifts. eeeee he gave me one of the best things ever . i dunno when but i mentioned something about this old movie i used to watch when i was a youngin, and he found it for me and made it into a dvd! you cannot understand how happy that made me. he also gave me a game that we always play together which i will have to show you becuase it is uber fun. and music and a book. then worked, then went over to joshes and played board games and guitar hero.
then i headed over to my parents house to spend the night so i was there for christmas.

Christmas. got up around 10. opened some presents , kenny called. got new dishes to match my set. some pasta thing, noises off !( that i have to go pick up from my parents) gift card. some drink mixes.
then we went to my aunts and sat and talked... then we went to my grammies where we played some you don;t know jack, and had some deliciouse dinner. then pass the ace. then i came home and spencer came over and we watched hudson hawk. which he baught me! and i llove it.. hehe sush a weird movie but it;s fucking awesome. i lovelovelove it.
then boxing day i slept in. no shopping for lisa. and i worked. work was dead and boring. josh came over for a bit and we watched some of flight of dragons. but he had to go to dinner. ummm
the 27th... i went and gave martha her present. and painted eryns pic she wanted me to do . and also painted some more of a painting i am working on . and then made an apple crisp and started a roast dinner. because josh, his sister serina, and dustin dame over for dinner and board games. serina whent home and the boys and i continued playing, kaitlyn came home and we started drinkin more.. haha we played this game called Queef, it;s like fuck you in a way, but more structured.. it;s hard to explain but it was really fun. anyways we all ended up having many drink. yesterday was soo hung over... was in bed until like 230. when josh called me to go get some fast food

so josh dusting and i traveled to A&W then back to my house for some more settlers. i was still very hung over.. and had to go to work. but ended up getting to go home early becuase i was "sick". i did really feel like shit thought. but i pulled through and went to joshes where me him kyle and dusting played some more settlers. then josh and i played guitar hero . which i am actualy getting not so bad at hahah. yes go me.

then i drove home and ended up getting pulled over. for going to fast, even though iwasn;t going that fast. but i didn;t get a ticket... i think the cop was just bored, since it was really late at night. anyways then sleep for many hrs. which was good. more time to recover form hung over ness.

as of now i am going to shower then , to get my movie, and prob watch it with spencer. then get to see jilly tonight ! yay ...

damn i still have to do the dishes... balls.

i think if i could go back in time , i would stay here forever. or if i could take a chance, i would fly past this time all together.

switch the cd and change the tune to your life

christmas punch.
1/3 oz. creme de menth
2/3 oz. light rum.
gingerale.
mix above. pour into short glass with ice. pour in a bit of grenadine and creme de menth without stiring to make it red and green.

I have just returned from my family christmas gathering. it was alright but for some reason i got really tired as soon as i got there.. perhaps partially because i was really bored or partially because i spent the past two nights partying it up? who knows. anyways it is a cold night alone now. kaitlyn has gone home to be with the fam. which is good, i know she wanted to go home.
i think i will just vege on the computer. i need the rest. haha i have not slept in my own bed for 5 days. hahahaha. tomorrow and monday i work. i do not think i will do much in the day but hang around. which is probably good as well. perhaps not particularly interesting. but whatever.

i have a bunch of songs stuck on my head. ahaha i am addicted to them at the moment. it;s nice though. it;s good to have as different tune now and then.

" arn't you such a catch , what a prize, got a body like a battle axe. love that perfect frown , honest eyes, we ought to buy you a Cadillac"

i am soo very tired. i am excited for future days. i have a craving for guitar hero. once you have a taste all you want is more! eeeeee. hahaha
i really have nothing to say so that be it.

"we were alive -- we were pure"

what... the .. fuck ... my apartment is sooo fucking cold. it for some reason has stopped producing heat. in response to it being literally colder than outside, i have turned the stove on, a few lights, sectioned off the smaller rooms and lit about 14 candles to try and help generate heat. progress is slow but steady.

lisa's last couple of days go as follows:
tuesday- josh comes to visit we adventure in liquidation world and watch some galaxy quest. i got to work. work = lame, because of two old stupid people who come at 10 and stay right till the resaturant closes.. bitches. after work i leave with josh and travel to Victoria!. where there is a kyle waiting. sit around, play some you don;t know jack... bed.

wednesday. - sleep in. lounge. guitar hero, haha i was getting better! shopping adventure with kyle and josh. to computer store, future shop and the mall. i baught kyle two gum balls and each of the boys a bouncy ball. heheh. josh almost ate his because he thought it was a gum ball at first.
hmmm then you don;t know jack, distracting dustin from the studying he should have been doing. matrix, south park, pool, lounging bed.

thursday - sleep in,, way in . lounging. i make the boys waffles. play two rounds of guitar hero. then just after two josh drives me to timmy ho's on duncan where my dad picks me up.
drive home lounge. work. party at eryns! hahahahah puddle hug. invention of the atomic pinapple... it goes at fallows
1/3 oz absinth
2/3 oz pinaple malibu
top up glass with pinapple juice(about an oz and a 1/2). use one ice cube in a champagne flute, or pineapple shaped glass. if you use a bigger glass double the booze. maybe put a cherry in it just for fun.

yea hmm hmm and now i am just chilling until work. after work i will venture to spencers for some more drinks and such.

hmmmmmm. things that make you go hmmmmm
lOve

hmmm snow,

so i am sitting here, just waiting around, lookin at blogs. and i think what is that funny thing that i see through the blinds. i go and take a look and low and behold it be snowing. and it;s hella coming down. it is too wet to be sticking but , i am undecided if i would enjoy the snow being around. it will probably turn to rain. infact i went and checked the weather and apparently it's already raining... good thing i have the weather net work to tell me what the weather is, my eyes seem to be deceiving me. how can i trust the weather reports to tell me what the weather is like tomorrow if it is lieing to me about today

anyways... yesterday i did lots of knitting. yay. if i am lucky i will finish my rents chirstmas present. i also went to my other house and ate waffles and sausages mmmm deliciouses. and decorated the christmas tree. then i went to go see i am legend. i am reminded that i really don;t like those kinds of movies.... there was one part.. it was sooooooooo sad. i probably almost cried.

speaking of that there was an SPCA comerical on and that almost made my cry too. i had pictures of animals and some of them had been hurt. seriously i had to fight to keep composed. i feel a lot of compassion for animals.

hmm two days ago... tasia and i watched a weird movie... it was not particularly good. then work, then came home and nathan tasia and martha came over, and we listened to this meditative tape thing. but it was weird and we all ended up falling asleep.

not much is up, i have tomorrow , saturday , christmas, boxing day , and the 29th off , if anyone wants to do anything. other than that i am up for stuff after work if people want. or possibly before.
As for newyears, i work , but it will be no later than 11. i have talking to kaitlyn and she is ok with haveing some people over here.. max 15 possibly,,, but i don;t think we really need that many. i'm kewl with just you guys pretty much. possibly afew more. i'm more for a friendly gathering that an party party. ya know.
anyways soooo i might have to work until 11, and kaitlyn mig tbe with terry... soo i dunno jill.. is it ok if people chill at your house until then ? or i'm ok with people over here when i am at work, cuz i know your guys won;t be stupid retards and i trust you. yes? sooo jill tell me what you think, everyone else what do you think? have any other ideas?...
i dunno.

tra la la.
adieu

you hurt me with words and i scratch up your face

i just had a terrible dream. it started out not so bad. there was some dog party at james' house( but it didn;t look like it) lots of people had their dogs and some cats. they where all white. i had with me a cat and a dog. the dog was snowball or something and the cat was sugar. for some reason i had this kit, and in it was dog makeup? just a little container. i was baffled by it.i walked around the house, through all the people that i didn't recognize. looking at all the animals. then the dream started over. i was the only one that had animals. but they where not with me. instead people where drinking and preparing to go to the bar. i was in my kitchen washing the sink. martha and spencer where drinking some wine in funny little bottles. one was mine that they where going to drink. i asked if it would be alright if i came to the bar with them. however the event co-ordinator said no. after this i was angry and when to sit on the couch, where shortly after i got into a big fight with the co-ordinator and said many horrible things and had them said to me. i theatened to hurt him is he continued, which he did, so i hit him. and as i was leaving i used my nails to scratch into his forehead. some how i had a broom and was theatening to smash the handle over his head. but i didnt, i pretened to then said " this is my mercy" and walked outside and broke it over something. i called for the animals that i had braught with me, and shortly after they both came.we started to rive the short distance home, when somehow the person i was fighting with was like hovering outside my car as i was driving( i think it must have been in my head) he said more horrible things. i was crying and ignoring him. then he said " fine don't listen" and dissapeared. and i remember though i wanted him gone because he had hurt me so bad, i was sad that he had left. and thats where i work up. realizing that it was 1245. and that i had wasted ha;f of my day.
not that i had anything important to do anyways.
i hope that this is not a reflection of how my winter break is going to be. days like this one are not good. and it should be my responsibility to fix them. i don't think i am doing so bad now, as the dream beginning to fade from my memory. thats the thing with my dreams they are so clear they are real.

i am definably still in a slump. i decided that if i cannot be happy by myself, then i am not happy in general, with myself and with my life. will you all help me. this is not something i ask very often. I'm actually quite stuborn on the fact, but seeing as i can quite get through all of this on my own i would really like some advice. any advice, anything that i could try.... i'm just so tired of feeling low all the time.

ummm thats all for now.

Doesn't make sense i know, but...

i don't understand why some days are so different from others. yesterday i was fine i was happy. but today is horrible. i don't know what happened. how and why did that good feeling just fade away. why can't i just remember it? remember that it's there. or is it really there in the first place. all i know is its gone. and with that my motivation.. i have done nothing today, which is pathetic. i just sat around all day feeling fucking sad and sorry for myself. my stupid, lazy, lonely self. it's fucking pathetic.
thats the worst part of this. these random days of sad.
one of my friends ben made a cd. it's pretty neat/good. you should check it out, go to my facebook group" bens imaginary band" you can Dl it.

thats all, there isn't anything else to say. this is one of bens songs

Do you have to pretend I don't exist?
does it make you happy when I'm not around
am I at the very end of your list
why do you make me feel so put down
maybe now I'll disappear

Doesn't make sense I know
but you make me feel better when I'm feeling low
silence isn't as sweet
but I love every moment whenever we meet

There is nothing I want more than to see you smile
have you ever considered - the fault is all mine
never anything to you and all the while
I know I'll just disappear

Doesn't make sense I know
but you make me feel better when I'm feeling low
silence isn't as sweet
but I love every moment whenever we meet

but i don't know how, to get it back to good

It's nothing, it's so normal you
Just stand there I could say so much
But I don't go there cuz I don't want to
I was thinking if you were lonely
Maybe we could leave here and no one would know
At least not to the point that we would think so

Everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking about
Somebody else
It's best if we all keep it under our heads
I couldn't tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do
But I'm lonely now, and I don't know how
To get it back to good

This don't mean that, you own me
This ain't no good, in fact it's phony as hell
But things worked out just like you wanted too
If you see me out you don't know me
Try to turn your head, try to give me some room
To figure out just what I'm going to do

And everyone here, hates everyone here for doing just like
They do
It's best if we all keep this quiet instead
And I couldn't tell, why everyone here was doing me like
They do
But I'm sorry now, and I don't know how
To get it back to good

Everyone here, is wondering what it's like to be with
Somebody else
Everyone here's to blame, everyone here
Gets caught up in the pleasure of the pain, everyone hides
Shades of shame, but looking inside we're the same, we're
The same
And we're all grown now, but we don't know how
To get it back to good

Everyone here, knows everyone here is thinking 'bout
Somebody else
It's best if we all keep this under our heads
I couldn't tell, if anyone here was feeling the way I do
But it's over now, and I don't know how, it's over now
There's no getting back to good

have you ever find that there are sound tracks for different parts of your life. different albu,s that depict how you feel, and whats going on. then that music forever reminds you of that time in your life, sometimes to the point where you can't listen to it ?? it happens to me all the time. some things that i remember
cold chamer, spine shank, aslip knot,= grade 9
finger eleven = summer of 2004 driving around in james' van late at night
marlyn manson , tool , NIN = first half of grade 12
APC, porcupine tree = second half of gr 12 , with spencer
panic at the disco= my caribean cruise
three days grace, one X - the hell of last december
matchbox twenty - now
it;s funny that my last two novembers an decembers have been bad. this one is more sad than angry. it;s the end of three years, which is very sad. and like that song says. i don;t know what to do with myself. i want to be happy. but i am too scared to take chances. not that i can see that possibly working out for me anyways, not any time soon.
i want this school year too be over. i want summer to come and go and i want to be gone from here. i want someone to find me and realize how amazing i am , and love me for it. because thats what i deserve. i deserve more than i have been given in the past. i want to believe i won;t settle for less, again. but right now i feel that anything is almost better than nothing.
I don;t like working many days in a row at night. it makes me feel like i have no life, or have not accompished anything. which is silly because i have done thing. last night i went to the golden compas with jill gregoire tasia and nathan .. and it was fucking sweet. and before that people came and watched movies with me... but even with all that, i still feel like i haven;t accompished anythign .. it;s this stupid work like this... it makes me depressed.
two more days and it will be over...

but for now balh.
~lisa~
p.s. i suggest you listen to this song as you read it. it makes it better. matchboxtwenty. back to good.

chaos sheer chaos

day two of 6 over. this red room thing is so very ridiculous. there is no organization what so ever. i will tell you all about it if i make it out alive. :p *sigh* at least i am getting payed. i am very tired. at least i don't have to worry about school. one exam, that is all .

i am listening to the songs that remind you of me. it makes me happy that you don't forget me.

i have a fantasy. a vision of my life down the road. it's seems to real. it's beautiful.
i was thinking earlier, i was knitting, ahaha and the thought occured to me that i am ment to be a mother. not now for certain. but you can see it in the way i act. hahah mama lisa right. i dunno. to be honest i cannot wait for that time to come. i know it will not be soon hahaha i would no be so foolish. years from now. it will be beautiful. a little girl perhaps. could you imagine me with a little girl. we would be the cutest pair. and in the fantasy of my life to come, she would be the ultimate joy of her father.nhahahah i am talking silly for this is indeed a fantasy. a beautiful dream. i might as well look to the future. when i will be truley happy next. who knows when that will be. i know it isn't now. right now i;m just lonley. i've dealt with the pain, now if only i could get rid of being lonley. i might as well look to the future, cuz is isn't going to be soon.

" Someone must have loved you ,Not the way that I do..."

4 more days of chaos. at least i'm getting payed.*sigh* so tired. at least i have the mornings off.
i wanna thank you guys for always comming over. it makes me happy.
i think it is time for lisa to go to bed now.
nightynight
"I don't know what it means, But I've been wondering, Who let you go? "

wholly crapy snow eh

i guess the weather made up it;s mind to do it's thing. i expected it to be going away by now. hahah yesterda i work up at 8 and looked outside expecting to see a nice while landscape however i was misteaken, i decided to go back to bed. woke up though to myself maybe i'll go shopping. i walk down the hall. hmm the sky looks very while is it foggy. oh no, it was like 3 inches of snow. hahaha there when my shopping plan, since we all know... my car and the snow doing get along.
so i tided the appartment and when out to brave the elements to bring our rent to the office.
then i just chilled until spencer gave me the yes or no on our trip to vic.
friday tim asked if i wanted to go help out on tool call in vic and i was all for it. anyways we where still going so at 6 we started heading out, picked up tony and drive. specners step dad offered to drive us which was goood.so much snow.
i estimate there where between 35 and 40 cars stranded on the highway to vic. there where at least 15 on the malahat. but we made it.. haha no snow in victoria. we meet up with tim and got some warm drinks before we where allowed to go backstage.
when we finally where. spencer, tony and i did some paper work and recieved our extra large oranger shirt. we where pushers. ( also present people designated to lights, sound, video, rigging, stage carps) we took all the loaded crates and braught them to the trucks, then loaded them on.
it;s was pretty simple, the where people who told you what to do. which was good. haha ther was a lot of stuff to move. anyways we finished the call at the like 2: 30 is.. then we got a ride home with tim, because harry and spencers mom had gotten a hotel room and we didn;t want to stay the night. which was probably a good idea because .. as i can see it started snowing again and it is probably more difficult to drive back now that it was last night. the roads where fairly clear.

soo the school is closed for the weekend... i wonder if it will be open tomorrow. i have my final print making class. i am sooo glad i did my print on friday. also i have a gig, that honestly i would be upset missing, except for the fact that i have that gig until sunday and that would make us behind.
but it's up in the air..because it;s hella snowing now. but the weather network says that the temperature is suposed to go upt o like 8degrees. and it is suposed to rain.
who knows. all i know is that i cannot wait for this week to be over with. i have to work every night at the college then i have a night off for the christmas party.. then i work at the restuanat... yay day off them two more days...
lots of work.. which is supose is good

anyways i have nothing really to talk about.
if the college is closed tomorrow i say we all get together here for some good snowy times ....say perhaps involving a snow fort??? and cough cough who knows
*love*

mad season - matchbox 20

future thoughts and a depressing denument

68 Thingies! from martha

1. Single or Taken - Single
2. Zodiac sign - pices
3. Birthday - march 3rd
4. Male or Female - fem ale
5. Preschool- some church basement i think
6. Elementary - rutherford
7. Middle - negative does not compute
8. High School -Dover
9. Eye color- grey blue
10. Hair color - brown... but spicey red
Are you a health freak? ahahahahahhah no.
12. Height - 5'4" :)
13. Do you love someone - yes indeed
14. Is that someone in your school - yes
15. Piercings you have - ear lobes and a rook
16. Righty or lefty - righty

FIRSTS :
17. First piercing- my ears
18. First sport - fastball
19. First pet - misty my grey kitty
20. First vacation - does camping count ?
21. First crush - my first hard core crush was levi in grade 5
22. First love - james
23. First boyfriend/girlfriend- well there was shane.... but i'm gonna have to say james

CURRENTLY :
24. Eating - nothing
25. Drinking- apple juice box
26. Listening to - nothing
27. Wanting to see/speak to - josh and kyle or spencer

YOUR FUTURE:
28. Want kids - yes
29. Want to get married - Yes, eventually...
30. Job - an artist
31. Where will you live - anywhere

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
32. Lips or eyes- Eyes.
33. Looks or personality- Personality, when you like someone for who they are they become more attractive to you anyways
34. Athletic or lazy - i don't think those two work as a contrast...
35. Intelligence or attraction? Attraction i guess but i think its hot when a guy knows alot about something.. but isn't pompus about telling you
36. Romantic or spontaneous- both
37. Body or mind?-mind
38. Tall or short- Tall and skinny
39. Shy or outgoing- outgoing.
40. Older or Younger? - doesn't matter

HAVE YOU EVER :
41. Kissed a stranger- i don;t think so
42. Lost glasses/contacts - yes...*sigh*
43. Ran away from home - noop
44. Broken any bones- my collar bone
45. Broken someone's heart - yes
46. Been arrested- Negative
47. Cried when someone died - yes
48. Liked a friend - yea
49. Been cheated on - not to my knowledge
50. Seen porn- gay for pay!
51. Snuck out - no ,
52. Been called a slut- not to my face, so i dunno
53. Got in a fist fight - no, but i think it would be fun
54. Shoplifted- kinda

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
55. Yourself - most of the time, sometimes i'm not so sure
56. Miracles- not really
57. Love at first sight - no
58. Santa Claus - nope.
59. sex on the first date - i don;t think so ..
60. Kissing on the first date - yea
61. Angels - no
62. God - not specifically,
63. Gay Marriage - yea
64. Abortion - a womans body is her own
65. Barack Obama - i feel dumb cuz i don't know who this is

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY : (isnt that what I've been doing?)
66. Is there anyone you would really like to be with right now? yes.
67. Have you really liked someone that you shouldn't have? hahaha yes
68. Have more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? Negative

thats was a nice warm up, i like surveys, but you cant do the all the time cuz it;s just the same questions over again. they are fun because sometimes you get to say things about your life where you would not normally get to say. i dunno.
it was weird today. i was at work and it randomly occured to me that one day, someone is going to want to spend the rest of their life with me. i found that though very assuring. i thought about myself, i am beautiful, pleasant kind, kinda funny, i am talented. ext ext. i am many amiable qualities and one day some one will realize and love all that and stuff... i dunno, i guess i didn;t get that far on the thought train, but whatever it gave me something nice to think about while i was cleaning.. and then i thought what kind of man will i end up with? i have no clue, i really could not think.. i guess thats good though.. too many women have their ideal man and they miss one that might not fit perfectly into their plan... but w.e i dunno
ha ha i did alot of thinking today. and got two things out of the way, what an efficiant day.

anyways i also pondered as i drove, about how unfortunate this has been. the end to what was an amazing exciting thing, was merely a fizzleing out. as my mind likes to see it. no big drama , no passion, just meh, and it's almost as if there was never anything there. except ya know that love i find myself repressing, but it doesn't really matter i don;t think.
i think my biggest uneasyness is that although i do, at the same time i dont understand.. why. not that it matters now anyways.

i am getting quite sleepy, today was an exausting day, as with the next few be as well. next week will be no different. why is it i have been waiting for things to be over, i want somethign to start.
oh well oh well, one day things will be set in a way. i am looking forward to that life. i do not think i am much for this atm. who knows.
i am excited for your visit , i am excited for mine.

sometimes i want to fucking scream

was it so bad? that everyone else saw but me. did you treat me like shit and i just didn't notice, are you just trying to make me feel better.
why do you say it's for the best? do you know something i don't.
i want to hit the wall until one of us bleeds. that is my urge right now. but i won't do it because in my head i know it;s fucking stupid. and now i;m fucking crying cuz i don;t know what to do with myself. i want to run away. to forget all about my life right now. forget because i don;t understand why things happened the way they did. was i just a blind fool. how long did you humor me to make me happy. congrats it fucking worked.. but i'm sure you knew it would. go along and have you party, i'll watch from the sideline till i get up enough fucking guts to leave.
it must have been true. cuz you do all the same shit now, exept you just arnt there to pick up the pieces all the time.


... i just don't want to feel like this anymore. i have your picture. should i just put it away? not see you not talk to you? would that help or make it worse. but your the only one who knows. who knows how this feels right now. i guess it doesn;t matter i already feel alone. almost all the time. i know the rest of you will say you are there and i know you mean to be, but nothing you can say can help. i need what none of you can give.

go a head and have your party, i'll stay here until have the will power to leave. don't worry, you won't miss me when i;m gone, you might not even notice.

my Christmas wish list

i want to be curled in someones arms right now. i don't care which per se, just some good, male(sorry tasia*winkwink*)arms.
i want to feel wanted and appreciated.
i want to be able to give myself to someone. someone who will give themselves back.
i want to be kissed like i remember kissing someone used to be like
i want to go for a walk at night time and maybe getting lost
i want to be able to sleep next to someone. to wake up and cuddle.
i want butterflies
i want to be taken out on a date, to be treated special
i want to be told i;m beautiful and feel like i really am.
i want to be wanted, lusted after, and maybe to lust back. a girl has got needs that need for fillin'
i want to cuddle
to feel stable and safe
i want someone to notice and enjoy that my skin is soft.
someone to laugh at my horrible jokes, to think i am fun and quirky
i want someone who calls me to see what i am up to, who wants to see me
i want my evil, my smurf, my sir, my barnacle, my goth, my cupcake, my mr who the fuck knows , my knight in any kind of armor to find me.
i want what i cannot have and will not have for what seems quite a while.
i want to be ok with that

" i don't want a lot for Christmas , there is just one thing i need, i don't care about the presents, underneath the Christmas tree.. "
... and to all a good night

why certainly , what's certain

i'm not really sure of much at the moment. it seems that there are too many variables floating in the air. or perhaps its just cuz i am a little foggy today. thought i am sure tomorrow will hold no mighty answers. how can you be sure exactly how you feel about something when it always seems to be different or flip back and forth depending where you are . or what you are doing. i always seem to have something in mind but something will come up that changes that. is it like that for everyone or am i just horribly indecisive. i know i suck at making decisions, but this almost goes past that. how do you know what you really really feel???
today was a bad/good/ mediocre day. curse you print making. whatever i'm all caught up and i only have one project left. np.
i wish i had a stable life, ha good luck with workin in theatre, i have no desire to be on the edge or go out and be crazy. i like to stay in and have a good time with the people that matter to me..
does that make me lame. i know i don;t like to try things, but does the fact that i have simple pleasues bring down my kewl marks as well?
bad lisa brain, stay on one topic....
one day i will understand where this is all going, right now there is no use fighting. one day life will turn out in my favor. something, someone will be there with me.

to think i went all the way to the school after work to get my computer because i wasn't tired... and now i am .. pft,
good night my love.
~lisa~

so many blogs latley

but i guess i have a lot on my mind. i looks like i will be spending tonight alone again. *sigh* st least tomorrow will be different.
ok so i am pretty sore in some spots from basket ball yesterday, like my arms a bit, my sternum, and the spot where spencer kneed me in the ovaries. i guess it was all worth it because it was pretty fun.
today, just did some work op stuff, yay future money. then i sat around with kylan, not doing my art project, and then i came home and cleaned my balcony, and some of my house, someone has got to do it. decorated a bit, then jill and tasia and i when on a costco adventure. there where so many wonderful things there. tasia definatly did not buy 2lbs of truffles ahahaha ...
and then to walmart where we met a lisa m, i baught some christmas lights, yay festiveness. then to work which was lame and slow. o well , at least i don;t hate it.. and .. and i get saturday and sunday off. which is sweet, but now i just realize i dunno what i will do.. hmm i'll figure somethign out.. perhaps i will knit... which is kinda what i wanna do now cuz i wanns finish my rents present before christmas but i am le tired....
so i will probably sit around a bit then off to bed.
so good night ,
see ya
~lisa~
in my heart i always hope, but my head knows i will get nothing in return

maybe be i wanted me to be nothing special

so tired right now.
today while i was waiting i got restless. it was a very frustrating / angry day for me i am not sure exactly why. it just started that way and continued. anyways i was getting annoyed that nothing could keep me entertained, so i went out, i wasn't quite sure where i was going. it was raining so hard, i love it when it is like that. i would have walked around outside if i had felt safe doing it alone. i ended up getting a coffee and driving to departure bay beach. i sat in my . my car a while listening to the waves and rain. i resolved to stop feeling sad, even if i have to feel nothing for a little while. i hate crying all the time. i sat there a while.. until i got restless once again and just started driving. where ever , it didn;t matter as long as i was going somewhere. i thought about josh, he offered that i move out with them next year to victoria, if i could go anywhere that is where i would be able to go. the thought will remain with me i think,. but i do not thing that i am ready just yet,we will see i know you want me to go, so you can get on with you life and i with mine. but even without you i am not ready. sorry to dissapoint
swimming was very fin tonight. i really love swimming. my dad used to take us all the time, i hope i get to come again. i apologize if i was rather rough at basketball. i think that it was a combination of my natural competative nature and some extra energy i needed to get rid of. i'm sorry if i was mean, it's really just a front. i just don't wanna be sad anymore...

why does this weekend seem like it will be really lonley.arg enough. fuck fuck fuck enough

tonight i will sleep with your heart in my hands...
and it will keep me safe and loved through the night

why are we made to put up with this. i just don't wanna do it , not right now, not any of it. i don't want a job, i don't want to go to school, i don't want any of it... i don't know what i want. i feel so vulnerable. i want to collapse and watch the world rush by me. i want to be caught. i want to be safe. i won't be caught. i don't want this. i want to feel something other than i what i feel right now.
i have so many questions, but i doubt i will get answers.
i don't want to deal with any of this thing called life.
yes i'm aware i;m probably being over dramatic. but thats how i feel, so go a head and think what you like and i will feel my shitty feelings and we can both go on our ways.
i think i'll sit a while
i need to collect myself, the part i still have, it;s falling to pieces can;t you see, of course you can't. no one can.part of me has dissapeared. i don't know when i lost it or how but apparent;y i am not to blame. what is to blame.

i think i'll sit a while ,
i need to be put back together

sad, hurt, lonley, confussed, unattactive, unwanted, betrayed, cast asside, ugly, worthless, unmotivated confused, lonley, unwanted, sad, hurt, confused lonley, confused lonely hurt sad, sad , confused unwanted, sad, lonley sad, sad sad sad sad

alone

i'm not taking this so well anymore. loneliness and confession have set in. i've been sleeping dreaming on the couch until now. dreaming stupid dreams thats my mind makes up. i know they are not reality. but i can't get you to take away my poison thoughts anymore. they seed in my mind and grow like weeds. they fight reality.
i feel kinda lost, terribly unmotivated, confused. i keep thinking what i could have done to help you be happy. the worst part is this is only partial realization. there is a part of my that imagines this is only for a short while. that within a month or two this will all be but a bad dream. but you asked me not to take you back. how can i possibly begin to fulfill that request when all i want is you back. but at the same time i want you to be happy for the long run.
i want to curl into a ball and cry. but i know it will not help. there isn't anything i can do. i am helpless. it feels like i have been alone forever, it seems like so long since i have seen someone.
i want to come to you. to make sure i;m still here. but i can't ... can i. i don't know what i can do.
i don't want to be alone. but i'm afraid that if i see anyone i will just start crying.. i hate crying in front of people. i'm even more afraid of school. i think that i will only be able to block out the truth for so long before i break down. fuck it's not like it matters anyways. nothing seems to matter atm.

comfortably numb

a state of shock. limbo.
this will probably hurt more tomorrow.and twice as much the next day. right now i understand. i am calm, tired, sedated. i understand. i'm dreading the time when the loneliness sets in. when i won't understand anymore. we are funny creatures you and i... i think we always have been.
i hope so much that you find what you need. i hope you find what i could not. at lease i have comfort in knowing i let you do what you needed, i love you enough to know i might not be the best thing for you. there is a hope that one day we will find each other a new ...
i concede. there is no more worrying as to when this time will come because it has passed. my nerves are set free. though it seems a part of me is missing, i will endure. because thats all i can do

the farther I fall I'm beside you
as lost as I get I will find you
the deeper the wound I'm inside you
for ever and ever I'm a part of

no matter what, i'll love you for the rest of my life
goodnight, tomorrow will be a very different day.

warm fuzzies and two pink dicks

you know what i've decided. that we as a group are really caring... like i know be talk about each other and are mean sometimes.. but we don;t really mean it. take the party last night, thank you james you are awesome btw, there where lots of little spills and hick ups and way to drunkenness, but evryhting is all good. becuase no matter how fucked up we are we are still looking out for each other. we help each other to the bath room when they are sick, and come and check up, we help clean up spills and any unfortunate events. and just look out after each other. last night was a spilly night. i think every one would agree. any like every time it happened like three people would rush to find tissue or paper towle.

i dunno about everyone else but i had a really good time last night. here are some things that i remember
- ditching the girls meeting then having a stomp session to combat the one downstairs with eryn and maddy.
- cock fighting with tom heheh
- dancing to no music with crowded
- becky and alex
- sitting on the stairs with Karly and alex
- attacking rick with a dildo
-wandering in circles around james main floor, floating an visiting
there are more but they do not currently come to mind.
but anyways see you all tonight, i'm off
lovelove love