Panic. worry. guilt. self loathing. confusion.
Passion? drive?
the road goes on without me. one foot and then the other as i try to keep up. The sidelines beckon for my time. There is too far to go. Too many hills i must cross. I must make it to the end.
I wake many mornings with a tired mind. It races all night. fighting for something. when i wake, the road stretches out in front of me again. I can see the span of my days journey and the hills i must over come. The first steps are cold. it is hard to get started. Somehow I have managed this far.
Sometimes i step off this road. I take a hand an am pulled from my toil, but my mind is never free.
Panic. worry. confusion.
when i sleep i seldom rest. I keep racing.
i wake. and am tired.
One foot and then the other.
Hope.
I must make it to the end.

these things i know

I awoke from an unpleasant dream into a nightmare.
Collecting the pieces i have rendered
to make myself whole once again.
Waves of worry and sadness rise then fall.
there is a mass in the distance
it looks solid enough.
calm the seas and swim to shore.

silver
French Painted nails
Grey, earthy green, brown, deep red, turquoise
simple, unique.
cranberry rasberry
carrots , broccoli , potaotes
Beef, chicken, ext. ext.
cheese or pepperoni
vanilla
orchids, lilies

I'm just waiting for my nails to dry....

For tonight, my mind is on vacation.

It's friday afternoon. i am taking the night off. I can tell right now that i am going to have to keep on my toes. And that i am going to be exhausted until school is over for the semester. yesterday i had to do a drafting project. i came home to do it cuz i was skipping a class i didn't want to go to as well . i tidied and rearranged the guest room and so that now i can double as my super kewl work space. i should hang some pitcures or something to make it more decorated like a room. something to comver all the junk. eventualy move the junk somewhere else. but that will have to wait for is the time to do it.
i was on the bus ride home today , i hate taking the bus on tues and friday, cuz i take it at 3ish and there are a bunch of annoying kids in it. Today was no different. i got of early just to get away from a particulaially annoying few. i figured the walk would be good for me to. on my walk home i had the thought. " i feel to many different things to deeply , at the same time.' i don't know if it is true or not. but thats what my interenal dialoge said.
I remember why i love meatloaf so much. it;s epic and beautiful and passionate. it's a rock orchista with heaven and hell and love. i want there to be a bat out of hell musical. That would be AWESOME. i wonder if anyone has made a story of the cd's?? ... *runs to the interweb*

http://www.playbill.com/news/article/113907.html

I found this article..... i need to see that musical. i might have to fly to london to see it.. i'll just ask my daddy hahahah you may be smiling ?? i know spencer is smiling. haha anyways. i mentioned before that we should go see some of those big shows.. like go to vegas or broadway to see them. soo. and we both love meatloat.. it;s perfect hahah i;ll start saving my pennies.
I'm fascinated with people's voices. i'm watching meatloaf on youtube. and seeing the man and the voice is interesting. and thinking about how meatloaf's voice has changed from ageing. there are people i meet on an everyday basis that have voices that just have something about them. I don't meet fasinating voice people alot. i like listening to the voices when i do thought. it;s pleasing. i wonder if there is something in my genetics that makes me naturally predisposed to liking certain notes... hmmm. hahah listen to this, can you tell what kinda of state i am in. anyways...
i'm looking through some pictures of my art work, and i have may that i think i would will do have a had time getting rid of. like giving them as gifts or selling them. it;s like if i give it away then i won't have it anymore... but some i have but don't even look at. it;s so kinda weird artist mother creater type thing. i think i might be able to let some go. the thought just occured to me, and how much that maybe means about something. but really it;s hard to tell right now. i'll have to think on that again.

two out of three aint bad...

last night i kisses dave grohl... i was sleeping, it was a dream. we where also suspended very far in the air on these hammock type things. perhaps the strangest part was i don't really think about dave grohl. i had a chat with him. somehow we kissed, then after as i was walking away i thought to myself " i'll have to tell jill about this". i had this part of my dream within afew hrs. after i had woken up already. talk about wierd. i have strange dreams. sometimes things happen in them that very closely refelct things in my life. hmmm. i should get a good dream diary see if i can decode anything.. like a feather. i remember at a pivotal point in my dream there was a feather. or there was a canvas with one of my paintings before. or part of my dream was in black and white.

i figured i had better write a blog soon. it's been so long since i had. everyday i check all of your to see what is new in your lives. i hope for somethign new, a new insight. even if it is a sentance. it makes me feel more conected to you. i am a hypocrit though cuz i hardly update mine. i never really feel like it or at least i haven't. i guess alot of the time i don't hink there is anything particularally interesting to write.

"take this sinking boat and point it home" this semester is going to be crazy. i wonder how i am going to manage a show. and all the projects i have to do. directing analysis. design homework, directing scene. "falling slowly, eyes that know me" mmm i love music

thats all folks.
<3

So lets give it up for the new year

Happy new years all. i hope everyone had a wonderful time. Mine was pretty good. Probably the best ever, not that thats saying much. yesterday, january first, the group of us left after the party walked to apple tree for some food... but let me back track a moment. before that happened the wonderful toilet over flooded down stairs. Guess who that happened to? Thats right, this guy. ok now fast forward to 1ish which is when we finally get around to leaving. We arrive at the apple tree and gourge ourselves on many differnt dishes... several people semi including myself ordered two meals. i some how spilled some creamers.. woot. spill two for lisa. after yummy food and some stops at the mall we head back to the house. bryan and i go to pick up provisions. cookies, scones, hot chocoalte, leg warmers and nessy. then we watch this strange strange terrible movie called " the room" and ... yea. it;s kinda like a car accident. it;s so horrific but you can't look away. oh and eventually the hightlight of the evening. I was going to take rielle to her new house to drop off her rent. but she didn't really know where she needed to go and i sure as hell didn't. so we ended up getting super lots and had tophone the boys like 2 times. but some how we found the place and somehow we made it back. had some timmies sad some more than i decided i wanted to be home to sleep. i think i ended up going to sleep by 10. so tired. i slept for almost 12 hours. not really because i needed to. but i guess because i wanted to.

I kinda feel like garbage right now. not really physically, but more mentally and emotionally. I would like to figure out what i am really looking for/ striving for in my life. perhaps this will go away once school has started again once i have things to do. things that i have to do. more purpose. I would also like to get a job. it almost makes me sick to say it, but looking at my bank account steadaliy decrease is making me really unhappy. there are actaully afew things, mostly about myself that are not making me super joyful. i want and need to figure my shit out. i'm pretty sure i hate having nothign to do. it does horrible things to me. makes me thing that i don't think i would be otherwise. but who knows maybe i am just to otherwise distracted to notice stuff.

now i am going to make myself somethign for breakfast and watch kungfoo panda...
fare well

sign your name on the dotted line...

Ah music... how i love you. i made a playlist of some older songs on my rents computer. There are so may good songs that i have forgotten about.
So as many of the rest of you, i am sick of the snow. well not so much the snow i love snow. but i am sick of being confined and the limitation that the snow brings. Right now i kinda can't be pleased. no activity cures my boredom. i can't think of anything that would make this aggravated feeling go away.. well that's a lie. it's work.. I want to have some work to do. i want to do something for a useful purpose. making some money from it wouldn't be so bad either. My mom has been nagging me to sign up for another course. right now i have three. right now instead of another course i would like to work. as nice as it has been not to work i want more structure and purpose in my life. i am not content as it is.
as a continuation of that thought i want to be good to myself again. at the beginning of this year i started kinda working out and eating better which felt super great. I basically gave that up when i started packing my apartment life up. for the months i was at my parents i lived frivilously and free. which was pretty awesome im not going to lie. but i want that self satisfaction back .
" here's to all those who know me all to well, here's to the night we felt alive, here's to the tears you knew you'd cry, here's to good bye, tomorrows going to come to soon" (mmm music)
when i get home i want to get back into my wonderful ways. i dunno . i want to figure what i really want and go to get it. as for right now my life as no drive because i don't know where i am going. i feel pretty well established in vic. i'm comfortable there. now what do i want.

sometimes i wonder if i am crazy. dur... no like actaully bi polar or have some kind of split in my personality or thinking. or maybe it;s just cuz i just never know. damn it.. i was shoveling snow earlier and i had so many good thoughts to type but now i don't remember any of them. Oh i guess what i was thinking was .. how i have a love hate relationsihp with myself. sometimes i think i am the kewlest person ever. but there are so many things that i hate.. which i do... so thus i hate myself for being like that... .

" someday this chalk outline will circle the city"

Sometimes i feel like i can never be satisfied. Like there is nothing that will keep my happy. i worry that i will be like this forever. jumping from one foot to the other with mu opinions of everything switching back and forth. I want to be content... but do i really. look at me know. i am going nuts. i have no purpose to drive me. i should be relaxing, enjoying holiday festivites. but i don't really care. i do enjoy spending time i with my family but i need my own devices, time, space. It's funny. As a child i never got homesick really. i would go to peoples houses.. or away on trips or camping .. but i never missed my home as much as i do right now i think. i spent my life living in these walls but they feel uncomfortable. i want to be free of them.

"if my heart could beat it would break my chest"

I'm going to type on this side for a change.. hehe hhe.. heheheh
Yay... i dunno why but i seems fun.. somoene posted a link about a string quartet that did a tribute to the mars volta. and it is awesome. go to youtube and check it outs.

Ok thats enough blogity blogity for me tonight ... apparently i'm going out. haha
see ya's

verse 1

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

you make my happy

when stuff and junk is grey. really icky grey

i hope you know dear

i fucken loves you

don't take my sunshine away

cuz i would be sad and stuff

so i just woke up not too long ago. and i realized something funny... or strange or whatever, i dozed off in my dream.  i was hanging around or doing some kinda of job with this group of people and i sat up kinda startled like i had just woken up and then there where some new people around me. i guess it wasn't anything spectacular but it was a weird sensation.  i've done that before... had dreams within dream. or have people in the dream tell me this is just a dream. very strange. But then again, my dreams have never been normal.

"sometimes sentences end with a period... but other times you can add to more dots and keep going"  hehehe this just popped into my head and i thought i was funny. 

i wish i had more things to write... but i donts : (

maybe later